I’m calling it, ladies (and gents): The Bachelor Australia has fast become The Heather and Woody Show – aka our dastardly TV superheroes Batch-Man and H-Bomb – and everyone else just may as well go home.
Yep, for the 13 remaining poor, hapless ladies locked away in the lush mansion of misery at Sydney, our Bachie Sam Wood, aka Woody as I like to call him, is really just going through the motions. Who can possibly compete with the super-cute Batch-Man and H-Bomb scenario? Now, it’s become all about the producers destabilising their considerable erm, “connection” by throwing fireballs into the house of horrors.
Ep4 picked up with Heather finally making her move and asking Woody out on her white-rose “power move date” after the “dude”, as she prefers to call him, all but begged her to play her hand in Ep3.
Quick Ep3 recap while we’re there: Woody sent a silly, self-obsessed and vain lady-child called Madeleine home after the girls voted her for a one-on-one date and she spent the entire time boring our Bachie senseless with endless, tedious, uptight and self-conscious BS about her hair/teeth appearance and weird eating habits whereby she flat-out refused to chill out enough to fuel her body – gasp – in front of Woody. Here’s exactly how not to behave on a date, ladies! And he hated her behaviour so much he sent the beautiful lass home instead of her runner-up Laura, aka Anal Glands. Talk about the worst date EVER!?
I’m actually shocked to find myself quite liking this Bachie for once. He seems a lot more emotionally honest, real and less pretentious than his previous counterparts. I mean, the fact that he was quite gallant, genuine and diplomatic about Madeleine’s departure speaks volumes about his character.
Now, back to Ep4: The girls eat fruit salad and fake sadness for Madeleine’s “shock” departure when Osher’s luxuriant hair walks in and announces Heather is on her white-rose date. The camera cuts to Heather’s major love rival Emily making bitchy comments about them just being friends.
Next up, Heather and Woody head off in a luxury, red sports car to her fave prop hire, event styling company so she can give him an “idea of who I am”. They pretend to do an exercise session so she can test out Woody’s passion for hot and sweaty pursuits Cameras cut back to Heather and Woody jelly wrestling in costumes, as you do. Is there a spark or isn’t there? Does he want to stick his tongue down her throat or NOT?!
Heather, now dressed in a miniature skirt cooks for him and they share deep and important intimacies such as her growing up father-less and her later search for her dad and Woody shares his grief at losing his mum to cancer. I’m not making light of this, because this is a rare and lovely moment of genuine TV realness.
Hold the phone! Despite saying he’s had the “perfect date” Woody boldly confesses over dinner he’s worried they’re falling into the much-dreaded “friendship zone”. “I feel like we’re in danger of just becoming fantastic friends,” he says. Heather’s jaw drops to the floor. “Pash him!” I screamed at the TV. Thankfully, there’s no need, Woody eventually goes in for the big pash after presenting her with a rose. After much pleasing tongue-hockey, he declares there’s “lots more fun dates to come!” Phew!
The cameras cut to the mention where the remaining 15 angry and hormonal girls are stewing in their own juices. Cue yet more Emily bitching to camera. Yawn.
Meanwhile, through all this a gold card has arrived announcing a group date: it’s a beach bikini showdown! Joni aka “falsies” as I like to call her for customary ten inches of make-up, including false eyelashes, in broad daylight suddenly gets lots of camera time so we know she’s doomed. Falsies worries she’s not fun enough for Woody. You think?
Lo and behold Anal Glands, who’s English, gets a chance to talk to Woody again and f***s it up once more by mentioning – yep, you guessed it – anal glands. Is she a frustrated comedian? He’s so sending her home, too.
Meanwhile, Woody subjects the poor women to a mini-beach triathlon. Joni then goes into “freak-out mode” in baby waves and Woody is forced to give her the much-coveted, later one-on-one beach date in sympathy to her madness. He says she’s “incredibly intense and I want to see if she can take it down a level”. Fail – Joni’s just getting started! Woody falls asleep while she bangs on all serious dullness.
Cut to the rose ceremony where Anal Glands is in denial about going home. Woody goes in search of the luminous Snezana (pictured), who eventually – gasp – gets Woody’s first kiss in the house of a thousand tears. Just a bit of Ep3 back-story people – this gorgeous Perth mum is also giving H-Bomb a run for her money as she and Woody appear to share a special bond after a hot-air balloon ride and vineyard picnic. Again, the fact that Woody appears to so far accept Snez has a daughter he didn’t in fact father makes me think he’s not a total scumbag. It’s not a big ask at all in real life, but this is TV la la land.
Lo and behold their tiny kiss goodbye on the lips is a MAJOR drama people as some twit called Jasmin, who has the social skills of a gnat and whom ran away from Woody on the beach when he dared to try to talk to her, throws a giant fireball into the mansion of mayhem by virtually running from room-to-room announcing that Woody has in fact PASHED A GIRL!
Poor Snez. Heather’s all dropped pie expression until Sam rescues her by giving them a moment alone so she can present him with their superhero poster. Sam lights up like Christmas tree and Jasmin again reports back to everyone in the house they “only” exchanged a peck on the cheek.
Osher glides into room all hair and funereal countenance. Two girls are going home! Someone called Nina, who’s never had an actual single or group date gets the first rose. Who the hell is she? Did the producers forget about her until now?
Unfortunately, silly and vacuous Jasmin gets the second rose as Heather thunders. Finally, as predicted, Woody sends Joni, aka “falsies” and Laura, aka Anal Glands, home. Amen.
And my biggest high for the night? Osher himself favouriting one of my tweets. Beat that! Stay tuned for more hijinks, heartbreak and heinous Emily bitching…
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Nicole is a Queensland-based writer and bona fide word nerd whose first love (apart from heels) is feature writing. Follow Nicole on Twitter.