The Bachelor Recap: Batch-Man And H-Bomb More Fizzle Than Sizzle

September 10, 2015
love, dating, The Bachelor Australia

And then there were three: I am clearly far too invested in this show because I don’t know about you, but I am struggling to come to terms with last night’s shock development on The Bachelor Australia which saw early front-runner Heather, 29, get booted off the show in Ep14. I am agog. I am aghast. Not Heather?! Nooo.

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Who the hell saw that coming?! Not me – I’d fallen so madly in love with hipster cool-girl Heather myself that my she-crush made me blind to Bachelor Sam Wood’s repeated, ominous references to her being stuck in the dreaded “friendship zone”. Dammit!

Woody sent a devastated Heather home after emotional home-town family visits with each of the four remaining women’s families. Heather came first, then Lana, 27,  Sarah, 26, and finally Snezana, 34.

WTF Woody? Heather is PERFECT!? Who can forget their supremely sweet superhero date together which spurned the Batch-Man and H-Bomb characters? Oh the heartbreak! Oh the burn. And this – after Heather’s stand-in father figure, salt-of-the-earth Warwick turned full Gestapo/investigative journalist and grilled Woody’s pants off to the point that if poor Bachie did any more nervous hair-stroking, his beautiful hair croissant may have actually been torn out. Turns out, Woody didn’t want to pants our girl Heather as much as the others. Fuck (except not literally), pardon the pun.

Lana the gorgeous and accomplished “intruder” was next up on the home-town visits and what a whirlwind romance she’s enjoyed with Woody. “Lana was a beautiful unexpected surprise,” announced Woody. Hmmph. Woody is then subjected to another intense interrogation by Lana’s fierce mum who advises her to use her heart, as well as her head. Well said, Lana’s mum. I do think Lana is more of an actual catch than Woody myself.

love, dating, The Bachelor Australia

Sarah’s next – and I respect her emotional honesty and courage in nailing Woody’s breeder tendencies. “Do I have to breed straight away, Woody, because I’m only 26 and I’m not quite ready,” says she, or whiny words to that effect. In another startling revelation, Heather’s lookalike mum manages to get out of Woody that his spirit animal is a labrador. You stupid, stupid labrador – what have you done!?

dating, reality TV, The Bachelor Australia, Sam Wood

Finally, Woody visits the Perth home of luminous Macedonian beauty Snezana and finally meets her equally gorgeous nine-year-old daughter Eve – and another 25,456 family members – in the process. Aside from showing more cleavage than Snez on this date in a bizarre, low-cut T-shirt, Woody does manage to seemingly hold his own well with the wee lass and entire family, so power to him. I didn’t think he had the grit to take on a nine-year-old girl in an instant family situation – I was clearly wrong on this count too. Is there more to Woody than it seems?

In all honesty though, seeing a nine-year-old girl subjected to the horror and potential heartbreak of a reality TV dating show made me feel a bit sick – this is WAY too much for such a wee, awesome little lass to have to face, in my opinion. She’s endured having an absent mother for eight weeks and now she has to be subjected to a camera crew and being rejected by a man she’s just met? She doesn’t deserve that. For her sake at the very least, I hope Woody picks Snezana at the end – she’s my new favourite for the win, mostly because Eve is so utterly adorable. Go you good thing, feisty Macedonians!

love, dating, The Bachelor Australia

In other news, in a move that surprised absolutely no one, except of course poor, ol’ clueless Nina herself (pictured below), she got the big, ol’ boot in the previous night’s Ep13. Is host Osher Günsberg looking more and more handsome each episode? But I digress… Sam, who was clearly not into Nina at all, announced to camera he was worried they were like chalk and cheese. And – inspiring female hatred for him around Australia, he uttered these immortal words: that he’s “never had an opinionated girlfriend before,” in reference to Nina. Say what?! Did the poor, dumb Labrador get his words mixed up? Doesn’t he mean unclassy? Or aggressive?

Now, forgive me while I go and pour myself another glass of wine and lie down in the foetal position. Poor, poor Heather. What THE ACTUAL FUCK, Woody!? Hang on, can we fix her up with the lovely Osher? Does anyone know if he’s single?! Heather was so lovely, kind and quirky that – given her clearly very dire family situation (where was her mum?) – I’d quite like to adopt her myself. Sigh…

Stay tuned for yet more The Bachelor hilarity, heartbreak and humiliation galore as it goes down the wire with the final three remaining women.

love, dating, The Bachelor Australia

What do you think? Were you Team Heather too?

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