Can you go back to an ex lover?

August 11, 2009

Can you go back to an ex lover? Relationship expert Helen Avaient argues no. Read her reasons and let us know what you think!

“Has he changed? Will it be better this time? What if he saw the new me? But we’ve both learnt from our mistakes!”

For every idea, suggestion or thought you have about getting back with an ex, there is only one thing to say… they are an ex for a reason.

Yes, we have all heard urban legends about people who have been separated for years who re-discover love for each other and live happily ever after. This may happen, but the chances of this happening each and every time ex partners give it another go is extremely rare, almost non-existent.

When you have thoughts of reconciling with an ex partner, think to yourself:

• Why did we break up?
• Why do they/me want to reconcile?
• What about the past relationship did not satisfy my needs?
• Can my needs be met by someone else?
• Do I need to love and be kind to myself more?
• What about them really irritated me, and would continue to irritate me?
• Is my ex really happy with their life right now, and would reconciling change that for them, or me?
• Do I just want them because they have someone else, meaning I lost and someone else won?

What you need to do when you have thought about the above:

• List all the reasons why you feel that the relationship you had together did not work out. Would these conditions still be there if you got back together, or do you know that none of them would exist anymore?
• Have you or they changed so much that your new relationship would be the one you dream of?
• Write down all the qualities you want in your “perfect” partner. How many of these qualities does your ex have? How many do they not have?
• Think of the “prize”. Is “the prize” worth winning? Is it worth fighting over with another person that you don’t even know? Do you just want it so that someone else doesn’t have it?
• Can you “put up” with some things that you don’t know about your ex, so that you can have the things you do want about them?

In almost every situation, most ex partners do not change as much as you would like them too. No, really, they don’t. Life is not a romantic/comedy movie where they wake up one morning and realise that you were their soul mate and they try everything they can to get you back.

Nor do you wake up one morning and realise that you would do anything in the world to get them back, because they need/want/truly love you and just don’t realise it, and it is your mission to convince them of this.

Naturally there were lots of things that you did like about them. Realise what these things were. Do the things that you liked so much about them exist in other people? If they had an awesome sense of humour (and you loved that about them), can someone else you know or meet in the future have the same trait? Of course.

I say take the lessons you learnt from your past relationship and seek a new one that satisfies your needs, wants and desires. What do you think?

Helen is a life, success and relationship coach. You can visit her at www.helenavaient.com.

Do you agree with Helen? Share your thoughts below!

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