Charm School: How Not To Fall In Love With Gorgeous Gay Men

January 11, 2005

Charm School: How Not To Fall In Love With Gorgeous Gay Men

The solution is - Will and Grace
The solution is – Will and Grace

How the hell am I supposed to get a steady boyfriend when I?m spending quality time with guys who care way more about what designer shoes I?m wearing than how big my boobs are? I mean, really.

A pretend straight, (yet seriously bent) guy is at first, like a dream boyfriend – you?ll be introduced to his work-mates, friends and flat-mates and invited to his regular family Sunday dinner. You?ll really appreciate the way he?s just ?taking it slow? because he?s ?obviously really serious about you and ready to settle down?. Or so you tell yourself…

A few weeks will go by and you?ll start to get, well, a tad anxious. When you wear a particularly sexy dress, instead of jumping you, he gets you to cover up. You arrange a special weekend away and he?ll be ?busy with work?. Sweetie, face it, your Mister Wonderful is interested in you as a trophy ?see I really am straight? girlfriend. Unfortunately that is it. Don?t ask me why but he?ll trot you out for his Christmas work function and his annual family picnic to show off his sexuality. That?s fine if you are in on the joke but if the joke?s on you then it ain?t really that funny, is it?

You can call me bitter and twisted and oh yes, you?d probably be right. But trust me when I say (and take it from someone who has been there) that if you aren?t careful, you are on very dangerous territory here.

I was once forced to attend a ceremony where the some might say obsessed bride had discovered that her husband to be was gay but didn?t want to give up her white wedding and the deluded projected image of their future ?happy and perfect? life together.

His natural urges were so in your face (ie: he was as camp as a row of tents) that they?d had to come to a compromise. Before the wedding night he was allowed two male ?dates? a week but had to be home before midnight (like that is going to stop any red-blooded nubile young thing getting it on).

After the ?blessed day? (when he requested a Britney Spears marathon from the none-too-happy Indie DJ), he was to stop shagging like a bunny and settle down to a blissful married life. Uh huh. Like that was ever going to happen. Six months later they were still together but living in separate (yet beautifully colour-coded) bedrooms. Sure, his Mum got a daughter-in-law and she got her ?day as a Princess? but it couldn?t have possibly been worth it – could it?

So, if you ever find yourself fantasising about ?turning him? or if you have doubts about an ?unusually not at all interested in sex? new boy – get off your arse and get out there and meet some new guys because it face it right now – it ain?t ever going to happen.

Signs to forget your hormones and put him in the ‘buddy’ basket
1. He?ll avoid giving you any direct information such as the sex of people he?s talking about eg: he?ll refer to ?a friend? or ?someone I used to see? rather than say ?my mate Brendan? or ?this girl I used to date?.
2. Even though he?s got a masters in business, he?ll love reality TV and will be able to discuss the pros and cons of every ?character? on the hot new show of the moment.
3. He can wear mis-matched clothing and still look glamorous (a very dangerous and difficult task for the uninitiated).
4. He?ll be very free with compliments – complimenting you several times in one evening on your most obvious asset such as your hair or eyes. He won?t be afraid to make long-lasting eye-contact and he?ll also notice your signature look eg: if you are addicted to hand-bags or shoes he?ll make an effort to notice when you make a new (and most likely expensive) purchase.
5. He?ll understand your obsession with New York, Paris and London.
6. You can giggle with him over stupid things that you?d be too embarrassed to tell anyone else (like the fact that you got a Princess Diana hair-do in primary school and you looked more like Ritchie Cunningham from ?Happy Days? than a pre-pubescent princess (the desired effect).

Kathy Buchanan is the author of Charm School: The Modern Girl’s Complete Handbook of Etiquette and Quit for Chicks. Charm School offers fun but helpful advice on why manners are sexy and how to use them to create the life you?ve always dreamed of. It deals with difficult love, social and work situations like how to ace an interview, help a friend through a difficult break-up, handle cheating flat mates, keep your hairdresser faithful and how to not fall in love with gorgeous gay men. Charm School: The Modern Girl’s Complete Handbook of Etiquette Penguin. RRP $24.95 but only $22.46 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop

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