We set goals and create plans for every other area of our lives, but when it comes to looking for love most of us leave it to chance. Sometimes chance works, but not always. If you have been waiting for a while, why not try something different?
Why you need clarity
Love and empowerment coach for women Karolina Dobrovska recommends to get crystal clear on what it is that you want in your relationship, just like you would do it for your career or business goals. When you know who you want to be with and how you want to feel in your relationship, there’s no place for confusion and you won’t always be wondering whether you’re with the right guy or not.
It’s also important to get clear on our own needs and desires because most of us are simply not used to listening to ourselves. And when we don’t know what we want, we turn to other people for approval. We choose a partner because our friends think that he’s a great guy or because he gets along with our parents and it’s time to have kids –so why not him?
“Well, what do you want?” asks Karolina. “Because you are the one who’s going to live with this person. You’re the one who’s going to be happy or unhappy.”
How to get clear on what you want
Start with child-like curiosity, like someone who doesn’t know what’s possible and what isn’t, and describe specific qualities that you’d like to see in your partner. Don’t edit yourself to make your description more realistic, dream big!
Focus on how you want to feel in your relationship. Explore each item on your list through the lens of the feelings it evokes. For example, it may be important for you that your partner wants kids, but why? How does that make you feel? Safe, connected, loved… Something else?
You can create your description of your ideal partner in the form of a checklist or simply write it out as a story, or even use art and images to connect you with your vision. Do whatever works for you, as long as it brings you clarity.
“I’ve got my checklist, now what?”
Once you have clarity, you’ve got two thirds of the work done already. Keep your description somewhere that you can see it often and be reminded of what you want, so that you don’t end up making compromises that cross your personal boundaries and devalue your self-worth.
Act as if you’ve already attracted your ideal partner and connect with the feelings you want to feel. Visualise the relationship you want to be in. That’s how you’re letting the Universe know that this is what you want. Even if you don’t believe in the Law of Attraction, getting familiar with the feelings you want will help you recognise them easier when you meet people.
Finally, let go of desperation. Don’t get attached to how and when you’ll find your soul mate and stop looking for someone else to make you complete. Give yourself what you need here and now. For example, if you’re looking for a partner with a great sense of humour so that you can have more fun and not take things too seriously, how can you do this for yourself today?
What if things don’t go to plan?
You might find yourself attracted to someone who doesn’t tick all the boxes. What now? “Go back and reflect,” suggests Karolina. “How much of a big deal is it for you that something is missing? How does it make you feel?” Trust your gut feeling if it’s telling you that something is wrong, no matter how silly the reason might seem. Alternatively, you may find that the missing quality is not that important to you and you feel exactly the way you want to feel anyway.
Other times you might meet someone who is all that you dreamed of and there’s nothing. No sparks. No attraction. Karolina says that this happens regularly. It’s usually because we tend to focus on external things and forget about the feelings. For example, you may have wanted a guy with six-pack abs, but when you meet him you discover that you feel self-conscious and nervous.
Don’t lash out at yourself in negative self-talk! Simply step back and observe: “Oh, that’s interesting. I met the guy I thought I wanted to meet but I feel self-conscious and nervous around him.” Then ask yourself the question: “Is this how I want to feel?” The answer will be pretty simple, yes or no. If it’s a no, then adjust your checklist and move on.
When you’re looking for love, don’t think that you have to change or that you can change someone else to make things work. You’re perfect just the way you are. There’s someone out there for you and when you’re clear on who he is, you’ll recognise him much easier.
Image via Pixabay