Dating dilemma: “All sex, no talk”

August 6, 2009

What should you do when your new relationship is just based on sex? Relationship expert, Kathy B, answers your dating questions.

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Question: “I’m in one of those ‘stay in’ or ‘get out’ relationships! I’ve been seeing this guy for about 2 months and it’s just based on sex, which is fine. The thing is he gets very jealous when we are out or when I’m even talking to his friends. He will ask me questions – if I have done anything with them or even in general he would ask if I’ve been with anyone.

When we are alone together everything is fine … we are very affectionate like a couple, but out in the social world it’s not. He has even told me once before that he didn’t want me to ‘pick up’ in front of him when we are out, his friend has recently told me that he gets jealous. He constantly looks over my shoulder and watches my every move. I won’t deny I have feelings for this guy. I’m so confused I could go on and on about his behaviour. Can you please help me? I don’t know what to do or do I just get out of the relationship before jealousy takes over?”

Answer: Whether you realise it or not you are in a f*** buddy relationship. Because if you were in a real relationship then you wouldn’t have to specify to each other not to fool around with other people. No matter how uncomfortable it is you need to have “the chat” to decide if you both can handle maintaining your fuck buddy thang (and make it clear the jealous undercurrent needs to stop) or if you want to move things along and make things official – either you officially break up (this means no more sleeping together, even for booty calls so delete his mobile number so you don’t drink and dial) or you step things up and become boyfriend and girlfriend.

Before you initiate this discussion decide what you want. You say you do have feelings for this guy. Do you secretly want to be in a stable relationship or do you want the freedom to date and sleep with other people? Your problems are mainly stemming from the fact that that your relationship has no boundaries. Once you both agree what kind of relationship you are going to have and what you need to do to stick to your agreement, you can both get on with having fun, with or without each other.

He may have stronger feelings for you than he’s let on so be nice but don’t let yourself get manipulated. If you have explained yourself and given him a chance to have his say then it is over, move on to a more honest and supportive relationship (where the guy isn’t afraid to hold your hand in public!) Good luck!

Kathy Buchanan is the author of Charm School: The Modern Girl’s Complete Handbook of Etiquette (Penguin, $24.95) and Happy Endings (Penguin, $26.95) Vist her website at

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