Dear World: We’re Sorry. Sincerely, America.

Natalie Slaughter

Right now, we’re a mess.

God, where do we even start? We’re sorry. We’re so sorry for so many things.

The entire Trump thing is kind of a mess. Somehow we let a repulsive and sociopathic clown make it to the head of one of our primary political parties. Some of us thought it was funny at first, and that’s really the only excuse I can come up with. Like watching your kid put on their dad’s shoes and walk around carrying a briefcase playing grownup, except now the kid is CEO of your company and he’s burning the place to the ground.

My best guess is all the people who were supporting him as a joke are really embarrassed now and feel obligated to keep supporting him. You know, so they can pretend like they’ve actually been patriots this whole time.

We’re extra sorry about the whole “possibly causing a world war” thing, too. The obvious nepotism and complete foregoing of any appearance of bipartisanship was one thing, but we are really wiping our brows over this Russia and China business. Like how it’s really obvious that the Trump administration colluded with Russia, and then the FBI started to investigate it, and then Trump fired the investigator. For reasons that totally had nothing to do with the investigation, we promise.

I mean, yikes.

You know it’s gotten bad when our own press secretary won’t do press briefings on camera anymore and then tells the press that they aren’t allowed to announce that they aren’t on camera anymore. We don’t even trust ourselves with TV and that’s one of the only things we’re pretty reliably good at.

We also just can’t seem to figure out how to stop murdering each other with guns. Virtually every other country has this figured out, but for us it’s a real stumper. For some reason here in America we associate the ability to murder someone via firearm with masculinity and freedom, which means we have a whole ton of guys with something to prove demanding that they own all kinds of weapons at all times. If Sandy Hook, an event where a guy with a gun murdered dozens of elementary school students, didn’t do anything odds are good that our bloodthirsty need for murder is here to stay. So we’re probably gonna keep right on doing that thing. Sorry again.

Then there’s this whole healthcare fiasco. There’s another thing the rest of the world seems to have sorted, but we have this whole “bootstrap” mentality weighing us down. Bizarrely we associate failing health with personal fault. If you’re poor and you can’t afford cancer treatments, obviously you aren’t trying hard enough to get well. We’d rather shoot ourselves in the foot than help our population be healthier and happier. Simultaneously we’ll claim to be a Christian nation, a religion where one of the primary tenants is charity.

We’re just a mess, honestly. Age-wise, in comparison to the rest of the world, we’re teenagers. We broke off from our oppressive parents and promised ourselves we’d never be like them. We were gonna go off on our own, make our own country, and by god, it was going to be way cooler than the one our parents had. We weren’t gonna force religion on them or have kings and queens. We were going to let the people rule themselves.

And then like most teenagers, we quickly found ourselves instinctively mirroring our parents. We may not have a monarchy but we certainly are a country that’s ruled exclusively by the rich. We pass laws all the time that regulate what we can and can’t do based solely on religious beliefs.

Maybe someday we’ll outgrow our rebellious stage and figure out who we really are, but right now we’re a screaming pile of testosterone and awkwardness that’s been given way more power than we ought to be trusted with.

Sorry. We are so, so sorry.

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