(Don’t) Talk Dirty To Me

June 15, 2017

Because there’s nothing ‘hot’ about your ‘pink shaft’.

Call me vanilla, but having a lover craft obscene sentences to crudely describe our bedroom antics isn’t my idea of a good time; hearing a guy say he wants to fill me up with his baby batter just makes me gag.

I get that dirty talk can be a healthy part of sex and foreplay, and it’s not like I’m a complete mute in the bedroom, I just prefer to respond to the pleasure by being as natural as possible. Whether that’s moaning, a suggestive look, or general sex lingo…you know, the usual sexual feedback to help me to Oh Town, a compliment about a lover’s handsome member or a sex position suggestion. But suddenly start telling me you want to ram your “hot pink shaft” into my “dripping pussy”? Let’s just say I become awkward AF.

Sex isn’t the time for some lengthy monologue with lots of inventive adjectives. Maybe if we were having phone sex? But why talk to each other like we’re giving a play-by-play to people standing outside the room?

How am I expected to be a witty wordsmith whilst on the cusp of orgasm?

If there’s one thing that easily makes me lose my Oh, it’s being put on the spot to think of something creative to call someone’s bits after being delivered a graphic one-liner. It takes me straight out of the moment, almost like I’m talking over the best part of the movie.

I’m not kink-shaming – I’m open to the fact there are different strokes for different folks – but I’ve been with many men who seem to think a cookie cutter approach to dirty talk is appropriate for every situation. They believe I should turn into some foul-mouthed submissive who shrieks with delight at being called a dirty slut. Oh, and be vocal with expletives typically reserved for PornHub flesh flicks.

We’ve all been with people who say the right thing in bed and it makes us just throb a little more. It seems so natural and uninhibited, and I guess that’s why the best kind of heated bedroom discussion in my book, is one that flows organically, and doesn’t require constant prompting.

It might not be as sexy as the garden variety dirty talk, but I prefer to use mid-coitus discussions as opportunities to provide feedback aimed at intensifying my pleasure and improving the sexual experience for all parties involved.

We have to stop faking orgasms and pretending that we like things when we don’t. I’m much more interested in helping mankind find the clitoris than I am in being called a filthy little whore. But hey, that’s just me.

By all means, you should communicate with your lover in bed however feels comfortable, but, because we’re not all fans of hearing a running draft for the next Fifty Shades Of Grey, perhaps test the waters first, and gauge your bed buddy’s reaction before you say something that could bring the entire deed to a cringe-induced halt.

Here’s what kind of talk really gets my motor running in bed: being complimented. Whether it’s my body, or something I’m doing that the other person really likes. Having someone moan my name is a lot hotter than hearing them describe our coitus in depth. And sexy talk that flows, without feeling forced or clinical. I don’t want to feel like I’m having sex with a medical professional (unless you want to bring some work toys along). “Hard cock” sounds much better than “Fully erect penis”.

I’m not interested in recreating a porno. There’s a huge difference between porn sex and sex IRL, anyway. I believe that just voicing your inner monologue in an appreciative way is hot AF. If that makes me vanilla, then so be it.

Images via pinterest.com and reactiongifs.com.

Comment: What’s the most cringe-worthy thing anyone’s ever done in the bedroom?

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