He Said She Said
I’m engaged to a wonderful man but whenever it comes to decisions about our future I feel like I have no say. I have talked to him about how I feel but he says im being silly and of course I have a say. I know I have a say but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what I want anyway.
I hate feeling like the rest of my life is in someone else’s hands and I have no control over it. What should I do?
He Said: Doormat,
This feeling appears to be common among women. What generally happens is that the husband strolls into marriage feeling like he is the alpha male and learns somewhere in the first year that he is in fact a victim of the most powerful force in nature – erosion.
Your job, as the female partner, is to change him subtly in such a way that he feels he has made all of the decisions himself. Men are decisive creatures and can’t stand to constantly revisit an issue.
To begin with you will need to force your prospective husband to constantly revisit small issues until he finally realises that he will never hear the end of it. Soon he will realise that he must concede on these issues in order to live in any form of peace.
As your confidence grows you will be able to take these stands on increasingly important topics until eventually you are Queen of the castle.
By forty he will be making “yes dear” jokes with his friends and you will know that your work is done.
Tip: Occasionally humour your husband into thinking that he still has final say on matters of great importance if you want chamber relations to stay healthy. He will never believe you but will enjoy the game.
She Said: Dear Doormat,
Have you really told your fianc? how you feel? This is the rest of your life we are talking about here. If you don?t feel comfortable with something before you get married, you certainly are not going to feel comfortable about it after you say ?I do?. It won?t magically go away.
Most men will want to ?take control? of things, it?s their nature to do so, by that I mean their inbuilt mechanism to provide for, protect and be the head of the family. Perhaps your fianc? doesn?t really recognize how much control he is taking by not listening to your concerns. Perhaps this tendency has been passed on from his own parents relationship.
Instead of saying ?this is what you do?, express to him ?this is how I feel when you??. By just telling him ?you do this or that?, he will instantly go on the defense and dismiss what you have to say. If he?s really as wonderful as you say, he will slowly understand what he is doing and appreciate your feelings on this matter.
However, if your fianc? continues to steamroll the decisions that affect your future life, you need to step back and reassess how wonderful he really is. Best to do this now rather than after the wedding.
Got a question for our He Said She Said columnists? Email email@example.com with your problem.