Is it getting hot in here…?
When I was a teenager, I used to watch episodes of MTV Cribs and get excited when celebrities would show their bedrooms.
Like clockwork, they’d typically say something along the lines of, “This is where the magic happens” as they opened french doors to reveal a bedroom the size of my entire apartment. I wanted to know more. What kind of magic were they talking about? How often were they getting those Egyptian cotton sheets dirty? Who were they sleeping with in them? Of course they never divulged the details of their sexual escapades because they had the rest of a $2.4 million home to show off.
But 15 years later, I’m still curious as to how people “make the magic happen”, so in the name of good ol’ fashioned research, I got to the bottom of this heated issue (puns totally intended). Here’s what people who have really hot sex do behind closed doors…
1. Make eye contact
Direct eye contact can be awkward sometimes (okay, most of the time…) because it’s pretty damn intense. But imagine bringing some of that intensity into the bedroom… Sometimes there’s nothing hotter than truly being in the moment with your partner, and eye contact helps you connect on a way more intimate level by creating a sense of trust.
“It doesn’t matter if your sexual partner is a casual friends-with-benefits or a long-term romantic partner – having more trust leads to better sex,” says sex therapist, Vanessa Marin.
2. Share fantasies
Ludacris made talking about fantasies cool in 2001. Khia rapped about her neck and her back in 2002. What fantasies can you bring to life in 2016? You don’t need to write a song or make a video (or maybe you could) to let your partner know what you want to try. You can bring it up by telling or showing your boo what you’re into, or asking them if there’s anything they’re curious about trying.
3. Incorporate sex toys
Vibrators, strap-ons, anal beads, OH MY! Whether you incorporate your own vibrator, check out some sex toy shops, or get creative with household items, sex toys can be a fun way to try something new, which is why couples who have mind-blowing sex aren’t afraid of using them in the bedroom. There’s a toy out there for just about every type of fetish, so chat with your bae and see what toys would work for both of you.
4. Get their tantra on
Tantric sex means “weaving an expansion of energy”. This has been practiced in Hindu culture for more than 5,000 years as way for couples to seek a stronger sexual connection. This connection deepens over time (weeks, months, even years) after doing several exercises that prolong and intensify the orgasm. Even Sting has touted it’s benefits, once saying, “The idea of tantric sex is a spiritual act. I don’t know any purer and better way of expressing a love for another individual than sharing that wonderful, I call it, ‘sacrament.’”
5. Watch porn
While the porn industry can distort sexual expectations, it can also enhance sexual experience.
“Porn can actually help foster emotional and sexual intimacy. A significant portion of our work in helping couples develop a deeper sexual connection is through erotic images,” explains psychologist and author of Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing Your Relationship, David Schnarch.
So chat with your partner and see what kind of porn they watch when they masturbate. If they don’t watch porn, maybe the two of you can discuss some curiosities and see what would work for you two as a team. It’s the 21st century, so thankfully feminist porn is a thing. If porn isn’t your jam, looking at erotic images or reading erotic poetry may tickle your fancy.
6. Engage in role play
Couples who have hot sex work together to recreate a scene that turns both of them on. It could be a scene from a movie or a porno they watched together. Maybe it was something they partner made up. Either way, role play can be a fun way to try something new. So if you want to up your bedroom anti, get out of your comfort zone every once in a while, but don’t do anything that you’re not comfortable with.
7. Light candles
Senses are an important part of sex, but people often forget about their sense of smell when doing the deed. Couples who have great sex however, often strategically select scents or fragrances they know will enhance a typical night in bed. The sweet scent of vanilla can increase the sense of stimulation for both men and women, while jasmine can open up your other senses to new experiences.
8. Listen to music
What songs turn you on? Slow jams? EDM? Rock n Roll? Maybe the lyrics themselves aren’t sexual, but your memory attached to the song is sexy. Do like hot-sex-having duos do and make some funky playlists separately, then come together to see if you guys have any similar artists or songs. From there you both can make make a collaborative playlist for sexy time.
“Sexuality has a rhythmic quality to it. The way we that we make love or the way we are in an intimate setting probably mimics greatly the type of music we like and inspires us in that moment,” confirms sex therapist, Moushumi Ghose.
9. Leave the lights on
Sex with the lights off can heighten senses and can hide “imperfections”, but leaving the lights on has it’s perks, too. It can be sexy to watch your partner pleasure you, or see each other’s bodies collide. It’s easy to feel insecure or vulnerable while having sex, but, ideally, your partner should adore you and your body. So next time you go to turn the lights off, try doing as the naughtiest of couples do and leaving them on…
10. Have a quickie
Sometimes a quickie is the best way to relieve the stress associated with modern life. And it can be enjoyed just about anywhere – in the car, in the stairwell, in a fitting room, or simply in your own bed. A typical quickie lasts 7-13 minutes. This can be just enough time for each of you two to get off and go about the rest of your day.
“A quickie is a form of intimacy. It is giving intense, sudden sexual access without asking for motivation or justification,” explains sex therapist Pepper Schwartz.
11. Engage in foreplay
A quickie is great every once in a while, but it’s important to remember how important it is to make time for foreplay, especially for women. Couples who spend an extra five to 10 minutes caressing nipples, fingering, or going down on each other exponentially increase their sexual experiences.
“It’s particularly important for women to have successful foreplay because it takes a woman a longer time [than a man] to get up to the level of arousal needed to orgasm,” says Dr. Ruth Westheimer.
12. Shower together
Whether it’s a shower or a bath, it can be super fun to clean up together. It’s not just about the opportunity for slippery shower sex, it’s a chance to experience intimacy. Washing one another in the morning is a beloved activity by couples how have lots of sex, and can be a great way to connect with your partner and feel sexy throughout the day.
13. Talk dirty
A sexy conversation doesn’t have to be X-Rated. It can be something as simple as letting your partner know that what they’re doing feels good. If talking about sex face-to-face is too awkward, there’s always sexting. A few hours before your next hang-out, shoot your partner a kinky sext letting them know what you’re looking forward to doing with them. You’ll most likely get a fun reply and you two can engage in sexy banter until it becomes time to act it out in person.
Images via favim.com, giphy.com and tumblr.com.
Comment: What’s your biggest turn-on?
Tawny is a Texan who’s living in New York City. When she’s not writing about sex, she’s writing about sobriety and mental health on her blog, SobrieTeaParty.com. She loves Mexican food, running, and carefully deconstructing song lyrics. Follow Tawny on Twitter and Facebook.