Let’s talk about sex baby…
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a talker. Like, a big one.
Like, if you don’t interject at some point I will probably only stop blathering on when I use up all my breath and slowly turn blue from the lack of oxygen. But there’s one thing that causes me to clam up quick smart and turn a shade of beet red: talking dirty in the bedroom.
That’s right, the person who would be happy speaking in front of a crowd of hundreds, even thousands, finds her voice is barely a squeak when it comes to getting her freak on for an audience of one. Which got me thinking: if I have trouble talking dirty in bed, how difficult must it be for people who are really, painfully shy?
And so, dear fellow shy sisters and brothers, I present to you my handy (pun intended, not sorry) guide to between-the-sheets filthy talk for those who can’t help but giggle at every synonym for penis ever invented.
Start with sighs, moans and groans
The key with dirty talk is that you have to work up to it. You can’t just go from the sound of silence to screaming, “Yeah baby, thrust that quivering member deep inside my love cave!” (Not the least of which because that sentence just sounds totally wrong. Don’t ever say that.)
If you wanna be vocal in bed, start with making your pleasure audible. A few moans and groans, heavy breathing, sexy sighs. This is all about getting you confident enough to talk during sex, so starting with noises is a great way to work up to it.
Graduate to PG-13
Once you have the hang of that, throw in an “Oh yeah,” or even a “Don’t stop”. Start noticing the feel of what’s happening and make a light comment on it. “Mmm that feels so good,” can be as much as a turn on as full on porn talk for some people. Get yourself confident being vocal with light PG-13 banter first, before throwing in X-rated talk.
It’s all in the delivery
Here’s the part most people struggle with: how you say it. The key to good sex talk is always in the delivery. Think about it, if you tell your partner you love the way he feels sliding into you hesitantly, it’s going to sound like you really do not love that feeling at all. If you can deliver your talk with a confidence to it, he’s gonna lap it up.
Still can’t say some things out loud? Lean in close and sexily whisper it in his ear. That way you don’t need to maintain eye contact if you’re not super confident, can get your message across and it’s almost like you’re sharing a sultry secret.
It’s okay to laugh
Not all of this has to be serious business… Sometimes a little laughter will lighten the mood. Don’t be afraid to have a little giggle, because sharing a laugh is a major turn on. Just make sure you’re not laughing AT someone else’s attempt at dirty talk, but more laughing together and sharing in the joke.
A bit of Dutch courage goes a long way
If all this still hasn’t loosened you up, you might want a little alcoholic encouragement to lower your inhibitions. A little tipple could be all you need to give your nerves a little rest and get you in the mood for dirty talk. Just make sure you don’t overdo it. Slurring isn’t sexy. Drink responsibly!
Look, you might be blushing up a storm reading this list. I get it. Talking dirty during sex is a very vulnerable thing to do and not everyone is up to it. But if you still want the benefits from a bit of sensual speech, it’s time to turn to technology.
Sexting gives you the power to be naughty without having to pluck up the courage to do it in person. You can seem confident when inside you’re freaking the heck out. You don’t need to worry about giggling or sounding convincing. You can even throw your phone across the room (gently) if you’re still embarrassed after sending a bit of textual healing, and no one will know!
Then, waltz in the house as if you own the place post-text, and wait for the carnal bliss to begin.
Images via giphy.com.
Comment: What are your best dirty talk tips?