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I Stopped Trying To Sexually One-Up His Ex, And I’m So Much Happier

I Stopped Trying To Sexually One-Up His Ex, And I’m So Much Happier

I don’t feel the need to perform gymnastics in the bedroom anymore.

I’m not a competitive person. Really. Pass me on the track. Buy a nicer car. Beat my high score. I’ll cheer you on. Because like I said, I’m not a competitive person… Except when it comes to sex.

I have to be the absolute best you’ve ever had. I have to be so good it induces sexual amnesia. So good it will make the guy I’m with forget every pussy that came before.

This commitment to quality has served me well over the years, which is to say I haven’t heard any complaints and no one’s ever stopped calling. But then I met my match. Because my husband? He dated freaks. And it’s really hard to out-freak a freak without committing a crime or doing things so weird you can’t even look at yourself in the mirror the next day.

I blame my parents for not screwing me up enough. Or maybe I’ve just never done enough drugs. In any event, I’ve always felt inferior to his ex and guilty that I don’t do everything she did. Because his ex did everything, and to hear him tell it, she loved it all. Mind you, this may all be a lie. It’s possible she faked a lot of those orgasms, and if that’s one your habits, please, STOP IT RIGHT NOW.

So I started out taking an “I’ll try anything once” approach to sex with my husband because I wanted to win. The trouble is, there’s a danger in that, best summed up by comedian Chris Rock, in his stand-up special Kill The Messenger, in which he jokes, “Ain’t no such thing as ‘just one time’ when it comes to sex, cause if we like it, it’s on the menu.”

And there’s the problem. Because if you don’t love what you’re doing, you’ll begin to resent doing it. And that’s not healthy.

According to the World Health Organization, sexual health “requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence.”

Free of coercion. That’s the part that troubled me. Because I realized I was pressuring myself into doing things that brought me no pleasure and plenty of anxiety. I was the one to blame for any negativity I was bringing into our bedroom. No one pressured me to engage in activities that I was uncomfortable with. The coercion was all me; my fault for trying to be better than his ex and not realizing that better doesn’t have to equal stranger, or more taboo. There’s no rule saying you have to try everything sexual once. And certainly not a thousand times.

The internet loves a freak. We’re inundated with images highlighting every conceivable sexual activity, position and proclivity. There’s something for everyone, but that doesn’t mean everyone has to do everything. (Also, keep in mind a lot of the people you see getting freaky online with big smiles on their faces are getting paid.)

Sexuality is as personal as a fingerprint. Good sex is whatever makes you and your partner happy, and that’s it.

I happen to love my sex life. My husband is the best I’ve ever had and he says the same about me. It’s not a matter of what we do, but how we do it. Plus, he picked me, so in that way I’ve already one-upped his ex. All of his exes, really. And while no, we don’t do everything he’s ever done, we don’t have to. The things we do do, we do really well.

Trust me, if we ever split up, his next girlfriend doesn’t stand a chance.

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Comment: Have you ever felt pressured to sexually one-up a partner’s ex?


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