Being in a broken relationship makes me feel more alone than being single.
If you’ve ever felt pangs of overwhelming loneliness where the entire world feels a zillion miles away, the thought of leaving a comfy relationship and being lonely again can be scary.
You imagine yourself being single forever, sitting silently alone in the corner of a large living room in a dusty rocking chair even though the living room in your apartment is the size of a postage stamp, you don’t own a rocking chair and you clean once a week. You imagine eating tasteless meals for one night after night, sleeping with only a cold cushion to cuddle and counting the hours over the weekend until you get back into the office for some company.
That daunting, intimidating picture is purely painted by fear; it’s not a true reflection of reality. Truth is, being alone can be fun and enjoyable if you play your cards right, and you don’t have to feel lonely just because you’re alone.
In reality, there’s no rocking chair in sight; you have a comfy sofa (phew), you can watch what you want on TV, line up whatever snacks you fancy, sleep like a starfish, go to the 24/7 gym whenever the mood takes you and chef up experimental meals when you feel like it. If you’re single, you have the luxury of indulging in ‘me-time’ or arranging company when you feel like it. You have the best of both worlds and if you get the balance right, you can be single and never actually feel lonely.
What is worse than being lonely is being lonely in a relationship. Lying in someone’s arms but feeling detached, knowing that the connection you once had is lost; that’s much lonelier than lying alone in bed at night. Not being able to communicate your greatest fears to your partner or talk about what’s worrying you and keeping you awake at night is worse than toughing it out alone. You’re better off standing on your own two feet and knowing that’s your deal for now, than holding someone’s hand and feeling an un-empathetic ice block.
I would rather be alone and have stinging moments of loneliness than feel that ongoing, heartbreaking loneliness in a relationship that’s wrong. When I’ve been lonely in a relationship, I’ve known it was time to go, even when it felt hard, scary and terrifying to leave. Coupled loneliness is the very worst feeling in the world; together but not together, in the same car but knowing you’re heading in different directions, sitting at dinner and having nothing to say to each other.
My mind wanders and I torture myself, reminding myself how good things once were. I pull my estranged partner close, lay on his chest, hoping to feel a heart that beats with mine again, only to find it’s out of sync, and deep down in my heart of hearts, I know it’s time to move on.
Without a doubt, being in a broken relationship makes me feel more alone than being single. This is why even when I’m loved up in a relationship and things are going from strength to strength, it’s crucial that I spend time alone, so the thought of being alone (and even being lonely for a little while) doesn’t ever scare me.
Image via tumblr.com.
Comment: Do you feel comfortable being on your own?