If You Do These Things, I’ll Swipe Left To You On Tinder

July 12, 2016

I have a love-hate relationship with Tinder.

I love that’s it’s so easy to meet guys these days thanks to modern technology. But I hate that for every 100 swipes, I’m lucky to find a single unicorn, aka, a man so seemingly normal and un-douchey, I’m convinced the profile must be fake.

I sometimes wonder if men go about designing their profiles with their idiot mates in mind, or if they realize that this is their resume to get laid. Why do they think I’d want to sleep with someone who drinks beer out of a shoe? Tinder is an app based on appearances, so it’s hard not to judge. I’m starting to get RSI in my thumb from swiping left so much.

Call me a high maintenance girl, but I think it’s important to have a checklist in mind before venturing into Tinderland, and if a guy doesn’t tick off those check boxes, I won’t hesitate to give him the virtual flick. Here are seven reasons why I’d swipe left to you on Tinder…

1. Your bio leaves a lot to be desired

Why would I want to meet you if you can’t write a sentence about yourself? That being said, sometimes I wish you’d just leave it blank. I’ve seen rants about how guys think women are stupid sluts, cheesy AF quotes from Dirty Dancing and even testimonials from exs… Ah, maybe just leave it blank.

2. You only have group photos

So are you the Brad Pitt lookalike or the dude wearing cargo pants with socks and thongs? Who has the time to be flicking through all these photos to work out which one you are? Are you capable of participating in activities alone? How can I work it into a question without coming across like a crazy? I can’t!

3. You forgot how wearing a shirt works

I’m a fan of a man with a good bod just as much as the next woman, but when all your photos are shirtless shots of your perfectly chiselled physique, you just look like a lame self-obsessed douche. Even attractive men have a lot more to offer than just their looks. If you can’t show me who you are with your clothes on, it makes me think you have something to hide – like your wife.

4. All your photos involve the gym

I’m into someone who takes their health seriously, just not when you live at the gym. Something tells me you’re going to judge me if I wake up one day and have pizza for breakfast. And more disturbingly, who is taking all these photos of you on the weights set? Do guys get together for a workout and then do a sweaty photoshoot for Tinder?

5. You included a dick pic

I’ve never once heard of a story that started with “I saw his cock before I ever saw his face and knew it was love”. I guess the dick pic send is your idea of making it apparent that you’re really only out for sex, but you’d get a lot more swipes right if you had a photo with a puppy, not your penis.

6. You dress like you live in your parents’ basement

I’ve never gotten a lady boner from a guy in a Bintang singlet and a backwards cap. A man who dresses well is such a turn on, and although it isn’t a deal-breaker for me, I’m attracted to the effort that someone puts into their appearance.

7. You’re just not doing it for me

I’ll openly put my hand up and say that looks count. I’m after someone tall, dark and handsome. I’m still young and don’t see myself settling down anytime soon. Tinder essentially is a hookup app that’s based purely on appearances – how is that different to meeting someone in a bar?

Images via giphy.com and tumblr.com.

Comment: What makes you swipe left on Tinder?



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