I was in my early forties – and many years into a relationship with my partner – when I started using vibrators and other sex toys on a regular basis.
In my mid-twenties, when Sex and the City was all over the places and chats about vibrators became somehow mainstream, I was gifted a ‘rabbit’ by my friends! I tried it once and didn’t particularly like it. After that, I just thought vibrators were not my thing.
Fast forward a couple of decades, three kids, and a long-term relationship with my beautiful partner, I had to have cervical surgery. I will spare you the surgery details, but the point is I was not allowed to have sex – the penetrative type – for a while.
That’s when my partner suggested we try sex toys! I immediately agreed and never looked back…
Our sex toy collection has grown exponentially since then and I decided to start writing sex toys reviews!
When I tell my close friends about my sex toy collection, they often think… I masturbate – solo – a lot! While I occasionally do precisely that, it is with my partner that I use my toys more regularly.
Here are some thoughts and tips if you are considering introducing toys to your relationship:
Make sure sex toys are a guilt-free experience
Even though sex toys are becoming more popular than ever and taboo around them is becoming a thing of the past, many people still see them as masturbation-only devices or something you resort to when you don’t have a good sexual life with a partner.
Well, while there is some truth to that – of course, sex toys are great for masturbation- there are also a lot of misconceptions. A lot of people still fear that if they express the desire of using sex toys to their partner, the latter may think that something is wrong.
The reality is, the opposite is true!
Sex toys are no substitute for a person, but using them together can add so much to your sex life. Embrace them in guilt-free mode!
Consent still matters
Sex toys can bring a lot of positive vibes (pun intended!) for couples in a long-term relationship. Nevertheless, the rules of consent still apply.
Bringing home an unexpected vibrator is not exactly like surprising your loved one with flowers. It really is important to have a conversation about the idea of sex toys to make sure your partner is comfortable with it.
If you think surprise is the way to go, it is essential to create a safe space where your partner is comfortable to say ‘no’.
The bottom line is that what is meant to bring joy to your relationship could turn out to be a terrible thing if there’s no enthusiastic consent.
It’s OK if sex toys make it easier for you to reach an orgasm
The orgasm conversation could be a tricky one. It may sound like it falls onto the ‘sex with toys is better than sex with my partner’ category! But there’s more to it!
It is perfectly normal that sex toys lead to easier orgasms. Even the more gentle vibrators are pretty powerful machines compared to human touch. Sex toys can wake up someone’s nerve cells within seconds and give you a humanly-impossible explosive orgasm.
The important thing here is that you are still sharing this experience with your partner and sharing those explosions of pleasure can be an incredibly bonding experience.
Choose sex toys together
Shopping for sex toys with your partner is both fun and overwhelming – if you are not used to it, the large number of toys, models, and function types can make you more confused than ever!
If you are a beginner, my advice is to start simple! Sex toys with many functions, patterns and unusual designs can take their time before you and your partner work out how all these variations interact with your body.
My personal favorite, especially when I was a beginner, are the so-called bullet-vibrators. They are pretty straightforward to use, can often be used externally and internally and, although traditionally marketed for cis women, are suitable for men too.
Allow some ‘trial and error’
As mentioned earlier, my first experience with vibrators in my twenties did nothing to me and I left it there. My first experience with my partner, many years later, led to a ridiculously fast orgasm! I missed the build-up!
I have now realised these experiences are not necessarily unique. It can take a bit of practice to make the most of these types of toys. My recommendation is that you persist. It can take a few attempts!
Sex toys can absolutely enrich a relationship. Once you get over the fear of suggesting that idea to your partner, it opens up many possibilities that will likely strengthen the connection you both have.
Alice Queen founded Vanilla is the New Kink as a site about sex toys, with a different ‘flavor’ (pun intended!) to what she predominantly saw online. As a late-40s mom of three, she often found that people thought she had ‘retired her vagina’. So, Vanilla is the New Kink was born to celebrate mid-life sex and sexuality.