Is work affecting your relationship?

February 9, 2010

Too stressed to have sex? Too tired to chat? Here’s how to slow down and get some balance back in your love life the Valentine’s Day way.

Finding time to connect

If you and your partner are both juggling hectic schedules, deadlines, long hours and managerial responsibilities, just how do you find and plan for quality time?

The biggest problem for modern couples is a lack of clarity in their communication,” adds Wells. They’re too busy doing the job; and just don’t talk enough.”

Even when they get home, it can be hard to switch off. “Many people don’t mentally leave work,” explains Wells. “It takes a unique person to walk out of the door at 6pm, leave the laptop behind, and turn the mobile off,, and men do it differently to their female partners.

However, you can improve the quality of your relationship by communicating with clarity and listening with understanding.

Along with enjoying each other’s successes and even resisting the urge to outsource all domestic chores can assist with keeping modern high achieving relationships on the rails.

“Sometimes it’s getting home and doing the small things together like the housework and cooking the evening meal that are the real bonding experiences,” says Wells.

Get loved up this Valentine’s Day

Wells says Valentines Day is a great time to reflect on your relationship and restore the work/play balance.

Below are his tips for a Valentines’ check up

1. Are you in a mad panic to just get through your week together?

A. Try being in the moment more-being focussed on what is happening, this allows you to pick up on the sense of pleasure that comes from the closeness of being around your partner.

2. Do you take your partner for granted often ignoring their successes and/or goals?

A. Try to be consciously aware of the need for respect and valuing to your partner and focus on adding value to their day.

3. Do you find yourself snapping and being impatient and over trivial?
A. Practice patience, bite your tongue and try to step away from the incident and think about another way to engage your partner.

4. Are you more interested in talking about office politics and petty grievances than being open to what has been a significant day for your partner?

A. Engage your partner in reflection, be interested and sincerely try to probe for underlying issues or agendas.

5. Are you having more arguments than usual?

A. Try to avoid talking loudly, soften your voice and look at your partner’s face. Try to speak with clarity avoid ’motor boating’ and try to exchange your feelings around one issue at a time!

6. If you find your disagreements are over small matters and you never seem to get to underlying issues?

A. Seek to connect with the big picture, your partner will love this and both of you will feel importantly connected as you try to explore setting goals and milestones.

7. If you sense your partner is treating you badly and taking your resourcing for granted?

A. Try to point out sincerely what it is that you do to help your partner. Wells explains partners are unaware of their partners support. Try using more expressions of love and valuing.

8. If you find in-laws or powerful friends interfere with you having an “equal share of voice”?

A. Try to stay neutral, speak about the positives and negatives, don’t allow yourself to be swayed one way or another which can set up a feeling of being undervalued or even of powerlessness.

9. If you find you are crossing paths but not connecting?

A. Try to spend a regular night out just being together each week, set aside an hour at the same time and place for a “partner chat” session. Use this time to review the week in retrospect and plan the next weeks social and business connections (men will love you making a regular appointment time!)v
10. If you find the sentiment and caring is wearing thin?

A. Set time aside to write a list of the good qualities that you admire in your partner, and also those that will require “creative management. Often reviewing that which is good reconnects you and you can remind yourself of just how lucky you have been to catch this partner!

Lloyd Wells is Principal couple’s coach at Lloyd Wells and Associates,

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