There are so many myths floating around about male sexuality that many of us have bought into. No wonder so many men aren’t sure where they stand or what their role is anymore. The fact that men are faking orgasm is just the start of the confusion. Who knew that could or would do that or, just as importantly, why?
Faking orgasm is just the tip of a very large iceberg uncovered by Abraham Morgentaler, M.D in his book Why Men Fake It: The Totally Unexpected Truth About Men and Sex. Morgentaler is also the director of Men’s Health Boston and an associate clinical professor of urology at Harvard Medical School with over 25 years experience helping men with their sexuality.
Morgentaler stated: “Our concepts regarding men are stuck in a time warp.” He went on to say “We always talk about the differences between men and women, but I think we’ve exaggerated that.”
Morgentaler believes, “What we think we know about men, sex, and relationships is totally incorrect. The truth is, we know next to nothing.”
He went on to defend a need for more understanding for mens sexuality by stating;
“It is tough out there for men. The world is changing rapidly, and the misinformation that passes as conventional wisdom about male sexuality leads many men to have anxiety, low self-esteem, and conflict within relationships.”
This is understandable. Women have certain expectations when it comes to their male partners desire for sex based on this misinformation. They assume their man should want sex on tap because that’s what we’ve all been brought up to believe. However for many men out there this is a myth!
The shift in female sexuality has brought some of these issues to the forefront. So the many myths about male sexuality are finally being revealed. Neither women nor men understand what is “normal” anymore. So lets take a glimpse at what we’re getting so wrong. Beginning with men faking it first cos let’s face it, this is interesting stuff!
How men fake orgasm
Now Morgentaler thought he’d come across an isolated case of a man faking orgasm until many more men came forward and put up their hand. Using condoms made it easier to disguise as ejaculation is contained and can be disposed of quickly. It seemed more difficult for men who didn’t use condoms but the amount of fluid can vary so this can be explained. Plus most women wouldn’t question if her lover has faked it because it’s been relatively unheard of until recent years.
Why men fake orgasm
So why would a man fake it? Doesn’t a mans orgasm generally holt umm, proceedings? Morgentaler discovered an interesting fact emerge from the majority of clients who faked it. “It’s almost the same as what happens with women……It’s a way of saying to their partner that they still did a good job, everything’s fine, and it’s enough for now.” Just like why many women fake it, it’s probably not the best option but it does sound like a very similar explanation.
What about ejaculatory-free orgasm?
This is another interesting myth. Not all men ejaculate during or just after orgasm. For some it’s a medical condition like diabetes. Instead of expelling the semen the fluid reverts into the bladder and is discarded upon urination after sex. Men who have undergone a radical prostatectomy are also prone to an ejaculatory free orgasm.
It’s also believed men who practice Tantric sex can orgasm void of ejaculation. Interestingly but off topic a little, these men can also experience multiple orgasm similar to what some females experience.
Testosterone levels and male sexuality
Morgentaler shed some interesting light on Testosterone levels. The book states, “…testosterone levels decline by as much as 50 percent in young men every single day from morning to evening, without causing a change in mood or behavior. “ He went on to say that sleep deprivation was a likely explanation in young fathers and particularly those with any type of sleeping disorder.
Therefore if women notice their man’s lack of libido it may have very little to do with love, their attractiveness or sex appeal but possibly a decline in their lovers hormone levels. Morgentaler’s book went on to say “one-third of men over the age of forty-five have abnormally low levels of testosterone, which can cause poor erections, low sex drive, and difficulty achieving an orgasm.”
A third is a big number. It’s also believed around 20 percent of younger and older men experience Erectile Dysfunction. That’s 1 in 5 in those demographics. It was previously believed ED was an older mans issue, however it’s not.
Major shifts in male and female sexuality
Over past decades women are becoming more forthcoming about their desire. Libido has therefore become a major issue and according to Morgentaler feminism may have revealed something which has possibly been there all along.
Before feminism women were much more submissive. If they had a stronger sex drive than their partner it wouldn’t have been revealed. This is rapidly changing and both genders are feeling the pinch.
Morgentaler believes “It is confusing to know how to be a man these days. Sexual roles may have become muddled,…” He went on to mentioned young healthy men with no history of ED issues were being prescribed Viagra. When he asked why it was directly connected to their partners desire. Many were taking the drug simply to keep up with the sexual demands of their lover. These were generally healthy women with a stronger sex drive than their own.
Therefore this shift is causing many men to become increasingly unsure of what sexual role they actually do play. Particularly if they are no longer the primary instigator of sex. This is a really difficult 21st century relationship issue and fairly new to male sexuality. So no wonder so many men are feeling unsure of their new role.
Men focus on their lover’s pleasure
Lastly, Morgentaler’s clients weren’t the neanderthals many women believe them to be. The stereotypical belief that most men are focused on their own sexual gratification is vastly inaccurate. Morgentaler found the majority of his clients were more concerned with their partners sexual pleasure than their own.
The fact that women now feel responsible for their own orgasm and sexual pleasure is leaving many men feeling inadequate and often lost in the bedroom. The sexual role has changed but some men continue to feel like they should be their lovers ultimate provider.
The ramifications of changes in male sexuality on relationships is overwhelming. Mens sexuality has been part of their identity for centuries. If a man feels his lover is taking over that primary sexual role in the relationship he begins to question himself. Some men are therefore having to re-establish what constitutes being a man. So together couples need to find a way forward. Becoming more aware that men are more similar than different to women sexually, will be a good place to start.
Kim is a writer and SHESAID's resident psychologist. A self-proclaimed tomboy who understands more about relationships and men than she ever will about glitz and glamour. Follow Kim on Google+.