Ladies, it’s time to tackle the controversial topic of the “mercy fuck”. And by this I mean when you take pity on a lustful, randy partner and offer them sex, even if you don’t 100 per cent feel like it.
Just to be crystal clear, I am not talking about rape or unwanted sexual advances; I’m talking about consensual sex, where you may find yourself getting turned on unwittingly by the generous and loving act of pleasuring your amorous significant other.
Now, some prominent Australian sex therapists, such as the always-controversial and alienating Bettina Arndt, have long preached the advantages of regular “servicing” of a man in a relationship. Indeed, last year she hit the headlines with what she claimed was the secret to a truly happy heterosexual marriage: “The truly lucky man is blessed with a sexually generous woman, one who believes in taking one for the team.”
Now that’s a very unfortunate choice of words if you ask me – she made the idea sound distinctly unpalatable and degrading. But does it have to be? Couldn’t “chore sex” turn into swinging-from-the-chandeliers hot sex?
And in a marriage, I think both women and men may find themselves not wanting sex for a variety of reasons – fatigue, stress, kids-sucking-the-life-out-of-you and more.
So, should you really put out for the health of your relationship, and/or for your own personal well-being too? The health benefits of sex are both well-documented and varied: good sex can boost your immune system and your libido – kinda like fine wine or chocolate, the more you have, the more you crave – and it even lowers your blood pressure and heart attack risk.
But is it too compromising to offer sex if you’re just not 100 per cent feeling it? SHESAID went in search of answers from the good doctor herself, leading Australian sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein (pictured). Below, she shares her wisdom and insight on this tricky and divisive topic:
Should women be expected to put out for a mercy fuck?
I really think this is a case-by-case basis, but women need to start seeing this as something nice they are doing for their partner. Just like sometimes we want our partners to take the trash out, sometimes we might or should just have sex with our partners when we don’t 100 per cent feel like it.
Say, in the case of a tired, new mum, is a mercy shag an important way of reconnecting with your partner?
Sex can be a way to show your partner that you love them and reconnect. You might be tired if you have small kids, but men – especially Australian men – are taught to see the physical as a way of showing love. In a country that doesn’t encourage men to be open with their emotions, this is one way they show and can feel love. If you are exhausted, you might not want to go the full way, but some affectionate touching and kissing might be all that is needed.
And there are other things that a couple can do to increase intimacy and pleasure without intercourse – anything where skin-to-skin contact is involved. Even just being able to stimulate each other’s genitals or even an all-over massage with a sexy twist.
Can women (or men) get in the mood for sex during the actual act?
I do truly believe that even if you are not totally wanting sex, once you start to get into the act, your feelings might change and sexual desire might kick in. Start with some foreplay without the promise of intercourse and see how things progress. It might just be a night or touching and kissing or it might turn into a night of wild, crazy unexpected passion.
Is a mercy fuck an act of generosity and kindness in a marriage?
It’s important that your sexual relationship is not always a mercy fuck, but I do think from time-to-time it’s something you should do. Keep in mind however, that compromises are key. You might not feel like intercourse, but maybe there are others ways to be intimate and physical with your partner.
How important is sex in keeping the spark alive in a relationship?
Sex has so many benefits, both physically and mentally, and is important to connect a couple, but it’s important a couple thing outside the square when it comes to their sex life. It’s not always about penetration, but it’s the “sexy time” that’s important in a relationship: time for you and your partner to desire each other, make each other feel loved and wanted and pleasure each other.
What do you think? Is a mercy fuck ever OK?
Image via www.sodahead.com