Probably even a sex drought too…
Google “bad sex good relationship” and you will find a litany of articles that shout “run while you still can!” Page after page of stories that tell you that bad sex is a dealbreaker when it comes to long-term relationship happiness.
One even says, “Hang on to the love you have, but understand that no romance has ever survived bed death.”
Geez, talk about grim.
But I would happily put up with bad sex if it meant a good relationship. You heard me. If I found the love of my life, the fact that he was a dud in bed wouldn’t sway me at all. Let me explain…
Good sex means nada if the relationship sucks
When it comes to really good sex in bad relationships, I’ve been there. Again and again, and again (sometimes even multiple times in the one session). But when all the orgasms are said and done and you’re slowly putting your clothes back on, knowing you have a crappy relationship to jolt you back into reality is just shit.
Think about it. When it comes to coupledom, we spend most of our time out of the sack. If what’s going on when you have your clothes on isn’t good, what’s the point? Don’t get me wrong, I am thoroughly in for making sure the sex is sizzling if it’s a friends-with-benefits situation. But no amount of chemistry will cut it if the foundations of a love match are shaky.
Thing is, I’ve had so many bad relationships in the hopes of finding a good one; and some of these have been relationships where the sexual chemistry was off the charts. I can’t help but think; what’s the point of heat between the sheets if the love’s gone cold?
I can take care of myself…literally
When it comes to sex in a relationship for me, it’s more about the connection and the act of vulnerability than about how many times I can get off. Mostly because I’m pretty handy. And handsy. As with most people (I should hope), I’m pretty much an expert at polishing myself off.
So if we do the deed and I don’t orgasm, I’d be okay with that, because I’d still get out of it what I came (or didn’t come) for: connection, intimacy, closeness. For me it’s more about what the act represents within the couple. Obviously I want to orgasm, and Imma try to get there with my guy, but if it doesn’t happen every time, I’m okay with that.
If I found the love of my life who treated me like a goddess, was empathic, kind, made me laugh, loved all my weirdness and was good for me in every other aspect of my life, I couldn’t give two shits if he couldn’t get me off. I can help out in that area. As long as he tries and/or is willing to learn, that’s all that matters. We can make it a team effort!
Good sex can be taught, and bad sex unlearned
Here’s the big thing: bad sex isn’t forever. He’s probably doing the things he’s doing in bed because somebody, somewhere, once liked them or taught them to him. When it comes down to it, “Good” sex is largely subjective. It’s highly unlikely he’s just always been terrible and no one told him. He’s just programmed to get someone else off, so you need to fiddle with the controls and set him to your specifications.
One marker of a good relationship is communication, so if the sex isn’t enjoyable you should be able to communicate what you want without fear. And if you can’t? Then maybe assess how “good” the relationship really is.
If a guy really loves me, he won’t mind me teaching him what I like in bed. If something doesn’t quite hit the spot, I have no trouble asking for it, and I hope he’d feel comfortable doing the same.
My only exception
So where would I draw the line? No sex at all would be a dealbreaker for me. Bad sex still means connection of some kind. It still means there’s some passion and desire there, even if the final act isn’t all spine-tingling orgasms. But a sexless relationship would feel a little like a best friendship rather than a loving partnership. I think I’d probably go mad from doubting my own attractiveness and would be constantly paranoid he was getting it elsewhere. In the end, I think no sex would then impact on how good our relationship really was.
I’d need some sex to feel safe in our otherwise perfect relationship, even if it was all awkward flailing limbs and one-sided orgasms.
Because, even if he isn’t great in bed to begin with, if we click, the sex thing can come later (pun intended).
Images via shutterstock.com and giphy.com.
Comment: Would you give up good sex for a good relationship?
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