Question: “I am a divorced mother of two, recently turned 30, unemployed, relatively uneducated, but well travelled and sociable. Although I’ve dated since becoming single two and a half years ago, such relationships have been a disaster, mainly because the men I meet, however loving and charming theyseem to be at first, are eventually only after one thing, and NOT after a long term commitment. This hurt until I realised that it made sense, form their perspective, and i went into some sort of depression. I decided to concentrate soley on the children and me, maybe get back into study, find a job, make more girlfriends… and then, when I least expected it, I met J! He is no prince charming, not a muscle man, no Brad Pitt look-alike, nothing at all like the usual men I’m attracted to initially; but he’s tall, slim, quietly attractive, unassuming, kind, generous, loving, romantic, independant, intelligent, securely employed, never married, no children, no major emotional baggage… He bought me a piano for my 30th birthday because I happened to mention in passing that one of my greatest regrets was not learning to play as a child and that I hoped my own children would take an interest in music. I have never felt so spoiled and cared for in my life! But now he’s talking about marriage! I should be ecstatic, but instead I keep waiting for the bubble to burst any moment!! Will it??? Should it?? does this sort of thing ever work out??? Are there any precedents you can tell me about? I honestly love the man, at least I love what I’ve come to know of him thus far, but he doesnt’ believe in living together before marriage (he’s only had one serious girlfirend to date, lasting 12 years!!! They never shared a place, whereas I left home at 15 and have had SEVERAL boyfriends over a lifetime…) So how on earth will I ever know if we’re compatible???? Not forgetting the children (aged 6 and 4) who think he’s great, but again.. early days…
Answer: Hey S, get a grip girl! Before meeting J you were convinced there were no guys wanting a long term commitment, just sex. Now you’ve met someone who wants the long term commitment and isn’t interested in shacking up without the wedding ring and still you are not happy. Instead of looking for the down side in all of your new found happiness why aren’t you doing cartwheels down the main street and walking around with a Cheshire grin on your face? Quite simply it seems to me you got what you asked for so light some candles or burn some incense and do a little dance of gratitude to cupid.
Start looking for reasons the relationship won’t work and I can be sure of one thing… you’ll be right, it will fail. Why do you want to sabotage a good thing? Will it last? Who knows, that is up to you and J but the more you question it, the less chance you have of a happy ever after with him. Why on earth do you wants precedents? J makes you feel spoilt, loved, cared for and wants to be with you. What more do you need? Enjoy the relationship and if you are not ready to marry J, tell him how much he means to you and ask him to be patient until you are ready. J may not look like Brad Pitt and be unlike the usual men you are attracted to and this is where I think you might have overlooked the obvious. UP UNTIL J YOU’VE PICKED THE WRONG BLOKES! (BTW do you look like Jen?) It’s okay to be attracted to great looking guys but it’s what’s beneath the skin that makes a relationship last longer than the hot flushes of lust and infatuation. From what you’ve written, J has lots of good qualities that are the stuff great husbands or boyfriends are made of so show him how lucky you are to have someone as special as him, go on, do something to spoil him the way he’s been spoiling you.