I was recently told that people should forget about being a better tennis player or golfer and concentrate on being better lovers. It made a lot of sense – people are forever complaining about their sex lives, but the overall consensus is that it will somehow take care of itself. In reality, how can it?
Many couples have a 12 month, 5 or 10 year plan of things they want to achieve – things like education, career, home, family, kids and fiance. Yet sex, which we all recognise as being a basic human need, is the one element of our lives we leave to chance.
When you stop and think and about it, it’s quite bizarre, isn’t it? Just like with everything else couples want to accomplish, a better sex life should be an essential goal.
The key to an exhilarating sex life relies heavily on the physical connection – this basically takes care of everything else. During the honeymoon phase (when sex is awesome) the connection experienced by most people is primarily physical. Understandably this is where the concentration of energy is, in bedroom bliss!
As time passes, other forms of intimacy grow and therefore the physical concentration isn’t as dense. Your energies are essentially divided as other factors are introduced or take over. It can be stress, kids, parents, finance, or whatever demands your attention.
Having a Better Sex Life
Reinstating a passionate physical connection won’t be easy – nothing worthwhile ever is! Life will throw it’s challenges at you and sustaining the passion long-term is a challenge many of us experience. Unfortunately, that spark won’t ignite itself and magically appear either.
Talk together about what you want your sex life to resemble, similar to what couples do every day about every other topic. Include elements of quantity and quality and set an action plan in place and make it happen. Here’s a few suggestions to make a start:
- Make sex a priority – the more sex you have the more you’ll want.
- Schedule sex into your day or week (depending on your preference).
- Make alone time a priority. If you have young kids, make sure they got to bed early so you can have that time alone together. It will be good for you and for them.
- If other stresses like finance have become a focus, you’ll need to address them. Often people worry and don’t act. When you have an action plan, this often reduces the stress and lifts the libido. Plus solves a few issues in the meantime.
- Be physically intimate outside the bedroom. Hold hands, touch, caress, kiss, hug, and when the day is done, sit together not apart.
- Try new things, new places, new toys and keep your sex life interesting. No one wants to sustain an activity which bores them.
- Laugh together and try to make your sex life fun.
- Create a sexual bucket list.
- Set new sex related goals for one another or each other.
- Make foreplay a priority.
- Avoid criticism of sexual performance. This will sever your emotional and physical connection.
- If either of you is experiencing low libido or other sex related issues, talk openly about it. This is where many sexual problems start. Follow up with a GP if necessary and any referrals.
- Tell your partner you love them at least once a day.
Of course having a better sex life comes down to far more than a physical connection. However, for most couples, it’s an essential place to start. Once it’s re-established, everything else sex related can, and often, will fall into place.
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