When it comes to sustaining healthy intimacy, not all sex is created equal.
If you’re in a long-term relationship and you’re still having sex on the regular, congratulations.
Too many couples let their sex lives slowly fade away after they’ve been together for a while – especially if they have kids. So, maintaining an active sex life is a great thing. Intimacy is vital for the survival of a romantic relationship.
However – and I’m sorry to have to tell you this – when it comes to healthy intimacy, not all sex is created equal. Just because you’re knocking boots, it doesn’t mean everything is rosy in your relationship and you’re going to ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after together.
What follows is a rundown of six sex styles that could speak volumes about the state of your relationship. It’s important to note that none of them is wrong or bad, in and of itself. They’re all pretty great, actually! But in an ideal relationship, you’re not having the same type of sex every time. Sometimes it’s slow and sweet, and other times it’s downright dirty. Variety, as they say, is the spice of life.
That said, if you find yourself only, or mostly, having just one of these types of sex, here’s what it could mean…
1. Strictly missionary
The classic man-on-top position often gets a bad rap. Just because it’s a little unimaginative doesn’t mean it has to be boring. It has the advantage of putting you face-to-face, so you can gaze into each other’s eyes (although, you can also easily avoid this, staring over each other’s shoulders and pretending to be somewhere else).
But missionary style sex gives all the power to the man, which can be problematic. Ask yourself why you always default to this position: is it your idea, or his? Sometimes it’s nice to feel a man’s full weight on you, pinning you down in a reassuring manner. Sometimes it’s nice to give up control. But if this is the only way you ever do it, you might want to look at the power dynamics in your relationship – and suggest getting a little more creative.
2. Oral only, please
Look, reaching orgasm can be tricky for women. If you can only come through oral, there’s no shame in that. And if he really loves to blow his load in your mouth better than anyplace else, well – okay. Fine. (As long as it’s cool with you.) But while oral sex is still sex, and in some ways might even be more intimate than standard penis-in-vagina intercourse (hello, rim jobs), if you’re only ever going downtown, there’s something missing in your relationship. It’s like going out to dinner and only having dessert.
Maybe you’ve got birth control issues, or maybe it’s just difficult to reach orgasm any other way. If that’s the case, it’s worth looking into some different contraceptive options, and learning about all the different types of orgasms to be had. Practicing can be fun! So go ahead, order and appetizer, an entrée, and dessert.
3. Women to the top
What’s not to love about being on top? You’re in total control, which is totally sexy, he can feast his eyes your body as you ride him, and it’s one of the most surefire ways to guarantee an orgasm for you. A confident man isn’t afraid to lie back and let you call the shots – and he gets off on seeing you take the reigns. If you had to employ only one position for the rest of time, this might be the one.
Couples for whom this is the go-to position are usually healthy and happy couples, with no problems giving or receiving pleasure, and no fucked-up power dynamics. Still, it’s nice to mix it up now and then. Next time, when you start to get tired, ask your man to flip you over and give it to you doggy-style or good old missionary for a while. Everyone needs a break now and then.
4. Big spoon, little spoon
The ultimate cuddly position, this one is a favorite among the romantics of the world. If you prefer to have sex spoon-style, then your idea of the perfect date night probably involves sweatpants and Netflix. You’re cozy people, and you like to be cozy together under your big down comforter. (I called it, right?)
Here’s an idea, though: one of these nights, try dressing up and hitting the town for a fancy dinner and some sex-shop browsing. Bring home a new toy and try it out. You can always spoon afterward.
5. Woof, woof
Doggy-style sex, despite being somewhat of a porno cliché, does have its advantages. If you’re a fan of deep, cervix-banging penetration, this is the position for you. Plus, he can always give you a reach-around, playing with your clit to help you reach orgasm while he’s inside you. It feels kind of dirty, and that can be sexy.
Still, there’s something pretty impersonal about doing it doggy-style. Not being able to see each other’s faces takes something away from the whole “intimacy” thing. If this is the only way you like it, something is up. Couples counseling might be calling your name.
6. Backdoor lovers
Anal sex used to be a lot more taboo, back in the day, but now, it’s much more frequently on the menu – and that’s awesome. If you’ve never tried it, you’re missing out on one of the most potentially erotic experiences of your life. The anus has so many nerve endings. It’s an erogenous zone that’s begging to be discovered. If you’re super into it, then the two of you are likely quite the adventurous lovers who like to walk on the wild side.
But as amazing as this is, anal sex should not be the only thing you and your man are ever doing. For one thing, it can be just a little bit rough on your body, no matter how slowly you go and how much lube you use. For another, you’ve got to be super careful to keep things clean and not risk infection by moving fingers, toys, or penises back and forth between anus and vagina. Save this for a once-in-a-while treat, and don’t be afraid to be a little more vanilla in your sex style the rest of the time. Because even the most “boring” sex can be smokin’ hot when you love each other and have crazy chemistry.
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Comment: What’s your sex style?