SheSaid Relationship Advice – Too young for sex?

October 12, 2004

SheSaid Relationship Advice – Too young for sex?

Question: I am fourteen and have been going out with this guy for two months, he was my boyfriend before and it didn’t work out but now that we are older and more mature we decided to give it another go. Now we are very close and although I have been out with many guys before, this is the most intimate relationship so far.
My problem is a couple of weeks back we started talking about sex and both decided we wanted to do it. We are both virgins and were quite excited by the idea and we ran home to my place having thirteen minutes to have sex (we both now know that was very wrong).
I was a bit nervous but quite comfortable about my body because he had already seen me naked. We didn’t really have time to arouse him so he just put the condom on but because he wasn’t hard we couldn’t get it in. I have never had problems with arousing guys and so I am wondering why he didn’t go hard as soon as he saw me naked???!
I don’t understand how most guys go hard just by seeing a girl with her top off and my boyfriend is so difficult to arouse. He told me not to worry and it was because he had been masturbating the night before. Ever since this happened I have been worried and a lot more shy because I can’t arouse him. Please tell me if this is my fault or if it has something to do with him cos I’m scared I have lost my sexy ways.

Answer: A, before addressing your concerns, there is the issue of the legal age of consent and if your boyfriend is more than two years older than you, even with your agreement, you are not permitted by the laws of this country to have sex and this includes oral sex.

While physically your sexual urges might be overwhelming you, I question if you or your boyfriend are emotionally mature enough to be experimenting with sex at this level. The fact that you thought 13 minutes was long enough to get home rip each other’s clothes off and have sex for the first time signals to me that you are better off to wait until you are ready to treat sex with the seriousness it deserves. It also might be a good idea to wait and see if this time around the relationship is going to work for you both and you still feel the same way about each other in six month’s time.

Your first experience of sexual intercourse is something that has an impact on your sexual future and is not something to rush through in 13 minutes or even 30 minutes. If you haven’t already done the deed, wait a little while longer and make it something to remember for all the right reasons. Make it special by planning a time when you have a whole afternoon or evening to yourselves where you can experiment with your sensuality as well as your sexuality. Things like taking a bath together or giving each other a massage with oils will put you both in the right mood, emotionally and physically.

With all the pressure, time constraints and you both being virgins I’m not surprised your boyfriend didn’t manage to get an erection. Most men in the situation you describe would have had difficulty sustaining an erection even if they initially got hard. It was less about you, or your sexy body or your boyfriend’s masturbation than about the situation you put yourselves in. Try asking him what turns him on, how he likes to be touched, even ask him to show you what he likes and you can do the same for him, guide him in what feels good for you.

By Michelle Lewis

Michelle has been one of Australia’s leading matchmakers and as a relationship expert is the founder of Date Doctors.

Her first book is The Street Guide for Flirting. We all notice that guy or girl who effortlessly breezes into a room and immediately attracts the attention of every individual there. And they’re not necessarily the best looking, wealthiest or smartest in the crowd. So what’s the secret? This guide shows you how to be the most fabulous flirt.

RRP $19.95 but only $17.96 if you buy from the SheSaid Bookshop.

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