How An Affair Saved My Marriage

I heard the warning voice in my head reminding me it was dangerous territory.

September 15, 2017

7 Deeply Upsetting Lessons I Learned From Being ‘The Other Woman’

How being the other woman was a deep learning experience.

August 18, 2017

I Started Out As The Other Woman, Then Left Him For His Brother

Not my proudest moment I assure you, but it happened nonetheless.

August 10, 2017

4 Ways To Stop Overthinking From Ruining Your Relationships

Because your brain never switches off, no matter how much you want it to.

July 12, 2017

I Have Sex With Married Men And Have Zero Guilt About It

I’ve never seen what the fuss was all about.

April 26, 2017

My Sister And I No Longer Speak Because She Condones Cheating

My sister celebrated something that resulted in a level of devastation I’ve yet to recover from.

April 5, 2017

What Exactly Counts As Cheating?

The lines are blurred more than ever before in the game of modern dating.

March 8, 2017

11 Times The Second Presidential Debate Turned Really, Reeeally Nasty

Are we watching the presidential race, or a soap opera here?

October 10, 2016

The Dangerous Problem With ‘The Other Woman’ Phenomenon

It makes us feel better about ourselves to point the finger, but at what cost?

September 26, 2016

Jennifer Aniston’s BFF Chelsea Handler Just Called Ange A ‘F**king

Well, at least now we know how #teamJen feel about the Brangelina split.

September 22, 2016

If Your Husband Is Your Best Friend, You’re Screwed

Maybe it’s the term ‘best friend’ that’s the trouble.

August 11, 2016

I Had An Affair With A Married Man And I Don’t Regret It

I knew what I was doing was wrong. But that wasn’t what scared me.

December 23, 2015

To Tell Or Not To Tell? When Your Friend’s Dating A Cheat

It’s the ultimate moral dilemma…

October 19, 2015

Is It Ever Excusable To Have An Extramarital Affair?

Does being in love excuse the inexcusable?

October 9, 2015

What Men think about Infidelity

What do guys think about women who cheat? Our male columnist, Gus, gives his point of view on infidelity and it may surprise you!

“It’s over 10 years ago now, but once in a while it can still seem fresh enough. I was just back from doing the Europe thing over summer, and was getting the appalling news from my girlfriend that her fidelity had suffered a major blip in my absence.

As the darkness of this news closed around me, I must have given her an imploring look. I needed her to say something that would sweeten this bitter pill, something to cushion the blow. And this is what she said: “It didn’t mean anything! I barely knew the guy! We just met at a party and it went from there. I never saw him apart from that night”.

And that’s the good news?? Faaabulous. Thanks a mill.

I’ve spoken to a couple of friends on this and I can’t say that I speak for all men but, for me, she could not have come up with a response more keenly designed to hurt. There’s obviously not a lot she could have said to give me a lift (although “Darling, it was just awful. His penis exploded before anything could happen!” springs to mind) but the idea that this creep was able to stroll up and hit paydirt so easily was just awful. What kind of loser was I to have invested so much emotion and effort (for starters) in this woman when all you had to do was catch her on the right night? I would have far preferred to hear that this bloke had launched a dazzling campaign, full of romance and all sorts of unexpected delights, that had swept her off her feet. In fact, I would rather had heard that she was in love with him. As it was, she was still mine but seemed a little less special to me.

Childish? Sure. Jurassically proprietorial? Damn right. Far more concerned with sex than the real issues of a relationship? You got that one right, too. My only defense is that I’m a man and if you haven’t learned yet that men are a little weirded out by sex then you haven’t had a lot to do with us.

The thing that struck me as interesting is that my girlfriend really was trying to soften my fall. That is, she came up with something that, in the same circumstances, she would have liked to hear. She thought I wanted to know that there was no emotion involved; that the integrity of our love had not been compromised.

Vive la bloody difference, I guess.

We stayed together for another year, incidentally, and remain friends so it didn’t do us much harm. I went to her wedding a couple of years ago where she sat me at a table with her other old boyfriends. Somehow it worked brilliantly. She always had style with things like that.

And the guy? I am delighted to report that his first marriage (they were engaged at the time of the ‘incident’) ended painfully and publicly when his wife ran off with her university lecturer. On a less pleasing not, he moved to London, remarried and made millions on the financial markets. Not quite the outcome I would have requested, but I figure the bastard’s luck can’t last forever.

So I keep in readiness, coolly biding my time, knowing that one day…one day…”

What do you think?

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May 3, 2000

Part 2 – Is it time to break up?

Excuse #4: “It will kill him.”

It won’t Okay, so you don’t want to be the bad guy, you don’t want to hurt him, you don’t want to face conflict, you don’t want to be alone and lonely, and you don’t care enough about yourself to get out. The longer your cling to a dead relationship, the more likely it is that you will grow frustrated and resentful, a lethal combination that often leads to destructive behaviour (an affair, anyone?). No sane person enjoys hurting someone else but think about it this way: were the situations reversed would he be doing you any great favour by staying out of some warped sense of obligation? The truth is, wonderful as you are, he will get over you. End it swiftly and honestly.

Excuse #5: “But the sex is great.”

Enjoy it while it lasts – what more can we say?

Excuse #6: “What if he’s The One and I blow it?”

Trust your gut and follow your instincts. If this guy were the best thing since sliced bread, you’d know it. When you begin questioning things it’s a signal to be more observant. Maybe you’re not ready to commit. Maybe the timing is wrong. But if you’re always wondering if there’s something better out there, you owe it to yourself to explore your options. “But”, you protest, “there’s nothing wrong with him!” If your friends love him, your parents approve, he’s “eligible” and you use the word “should” as in, “I should be madly in love with him”, then you’re not.

Excuse #7: “He won’t commit.”

When you’ve got the white-picket-fence fantasy and he’s just bought an open round-world air ticket, then clearly you’re not in the same relationship zone. If you’re the one who’s eager to seal the deal, here’s a likely scenario: eventually you do get fed up, threaten to leave, issue an ultimatum. He resists, you leave. But then you miss him because you love him, damn it, so you slink back to him. For a while it’s okay, until you start to want that concrete commitment, and you leave again. He knows you’ll come back, because you always do. The break-up/make-up cycle is the stupidest thing a woman can do. The moment you go back on your word, your word becomes meaningless.

Okay, what to do? find out what he thinks he’s committing to, or not committing to that’s so terrible. Is it you? Your pairing in particular, or the concept of eternal togetherness in general that’s got him clinging to his bachelorhood. If he’s just got normal fears and insecurities, lots of long talks and a little therapy might sort things out. On the other hand, if he’s a seasoned soloist with no interest in having a co-pilot, get out now with your self-esteem intact. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t’ want to be with you?

As we get older (and the more bridesmaid dresses you accumulate), the more important “landing a man” invariably seems and more pressure comes at you from the breadth society and the depth of your family. Instead of shifting into high-gear manhunt mode, figure out what you hope to get from a relationship – financial security? companionship? confirmation of your lovability? Then find ways to get these things on your own. Change careers, go back to uni, rekindle old friendships, and work on filling your life with happiness and meaning. Life isn’t about hooking up to complete yourself; it’s about making yourself whole first. When you do that you meet other people who are whole and who have something to give back to you. So how do you say goodbye nicely?

March 4, 2000