Single bells, single bells, single all the way…
Does this mean I’ve given up? Will I die alone? Do I care?
It’s called “BATNA”, and it’s why I love being single now.
Being in a broken relationship makes me feel more alone than being single.
Despite the consensus that you can’t find love at a bar, hopeful singles still pack popular venues every weekend in search of their perfect partner. Interestingly enough, some are actually finding it there. I’ve met a number of couples who initially met at bars and have been married for decades, so the idea that it can’t happen is a myth – love can, and will, find you wherever you are.
In saying that, however, there are some who continuously strike out. It’s a bizarre conundrum and singles seriously searching for that special someone need to ask themselves: what the heck’s going on?
Maybe it’s something to do with social competence, perhaps? Some people do have the gift of the gab and they seem to be able to strike up a conversation with almost anyone – especially when they’ve had a few drinks.
However, there is major difference between having a few drinks to socialise and going over the top and drinking way to much. Being drunk isn’t pretty no matter who you are. Even the most attractive person can look ugly if they’ve drank too much as it’s not so much about their looks, but their overall persona. I’m sure most of us would have witnessed someone in a bar doing some weird and not so wonderful things with a few vodkas under their belt!
It might be the usually shy guy in the corner whose downed a few too many bourbons and suddenly wants to take on every other male in the room; or the attractive young lady whose generally known to be intelligent and discrete who starts stripping off items of clothing to her favorite song. It really is amazing the stuff people do when they’re inhibitions are low and the wild beast within is set free.
Ideally, singles engaging in this sort of behavior aren’t giving off a great initial impression. Dating has recently been described as similar to attending a job interview, so these drunken antics certainly won’t have any potential partners lining up for them any time soon. They might be the most wonderful people to get to know, but the amount of alcohol they’ve consumed has made them instantly un-datable.
Sure, the bra clad lass may get a few offers for a quick roll between the sheets, but she’s definitely not going to find her Mr Right. Seeing as she’s so intoxicated, there’s a reasonable chance that she just might take up a willing bystander on his offer, however this is usually when STD’s and unwanted pregnancy raise their heads.
Drunk individuals aren’t capable of making great choices, so they are putting themselves at risk to a whole lot of trouble. With social media lurking, there’s also the fact that peoples one night drunken escapade doesn’t just stop when the parties over anymore; there’s a very real chance that whatever they’re doing when they’re as high as a kite will end up on Snapchat or Facebook.
Oh the shame! This stuff tends to linger for a while, so anyone who may have been thinking about asking them out may be a little put off. Therefore, it’s not only other singles at the bar that get to see these drunk individuals in action, the entire globe can now get a birds-eye view of peoples not-so-fine moments.
It’s probably not the impression most singles would want, particularly if they are serious about finding someone to love. So, if you are looking for Mr or Mrs Right at the bar and thinking about downing those extra few drinks for liquid confidence, rethink it – because you’ve got a much better chance of finding them if you’re drinking socially than drinking to get totally wasted.
Image via Daily Mail
Being single in the twenty-first century is a choice many people are opting to take, or perhaps they just haven’t found ‘the one’ to settle down with. Regardless, instead of people rushing into long-term relationships to get married and have a family, it’s become acceptable to wait until they have some life experience under their belt.
Relationships are damn hard work and other priorities often take precedent. This might be career aspirations, travel plans, or just simply wanting the freedom to live life without the constraints of a relationship. Even with partnerships where individuals feel free to do things solo, they still don’t have the same freedom as they would being single.
Obviously there are significant benefits to having a single lifestyle. However, some people desperately searching for a partner may not realise their valuable opportunity and unfortunately they feel like they are missing out on sharing their life with someone. So, instead of looking at the positives of their situation, they see it as a negative experience which can lead to depression and misery.
Being single shouldn’t mean being lonely. In fact, it should be embraced as a vital time in one’s life to live life to the fullest, learn, and to grow. Whether a person’s never had a long-term partner, is separated or divorced, being single can – and should – be a positive experience.
Take a singles vacation
Singles vacations are all about having fun and meeting other people. Cruises, for example, specifically cater for this demographic. As well as providing a great opportunity to recharge the batteries, they are a lot of fun. On board entertainment varies and some longer cruisers stop and visit different ports. If cost is a factor, some cruise liner companies have payment plan options for you to pay off your singles holiday of a lifetime.
If a cruise isn’t up your alley, there are other solo experiences you can embark on where you will meet great people along the way, and backpacking abroad is one of them. Despite having some poor publicity with young people getting themselves into trouble, the majority of overseas backpackers have an incredible experience.
Check online for singles holiday ideas and book an adventure. There are even options for single parents who want – or need, to take the kids along.
Chase better employment options
Another upside of being single is having the opportunity to relocate and source the best employment options available. This might be an interstate move, securing a fly-in-fly-out job in remote areas, or perhaps relocating to a different country. Once people are no longer solo it becomes much harder to take that step. Not only do they need to consult partners, if kids are involved, it becomes that much harder again.
It’s much easier to complete a university degree or gather qualifications while being single. I completed my degree at 40, which wasn’t ideal. I had kids to tend to, sick parents to help and a partner in tow. Ideally, if I’d completed my education when I was childless and single, it would have been a heck of a lot easier! Plus the atmosphere at educational institutions like universities is a lot of fun for young singles. They have social clubs and events, so being unattached while studying doesn’t equate to being lonely.
Self-development is all about exploring life’s possibilities and getting to understand and know one’s self. People with a greater sense of self-satisfaction and knowledge can have much better relationships. It’s also about off-loading baggage, which older singles collect along life’s journey. This is particularly true for singles who go from one broken relationship to another. If people take the time to heal from their past, they can set themselves up for a much more positive future.
Save some money
Finally, saving money is much easier to do alone because many singles have a highly disposable income. This is especially true if they are still living at home. Unfortunately though, many singles don’t realise this fact until it’s too late. Once they start paying bills and having kids their finances become extremely tight.
Therefore, if while unattached they can get into the habit of putting a small percentage of their income away, even as little as 1-5 per cent, they will have a small net building up. If they work and live at home, the idea is to save a much larger percentage of their wage. I know having the latest technology, dressing well, looking good and going out can cost a small fortune these days, but getting into saving habits early is vital if singles ever want to buy their own homes later in life.
Image via Pinterest
Women have been warned about looking for love in places like pubs, clubs or some online dating websites. Sorry, but it’s bull###! Finding love can and does happen anywhere. If there’s an attraction there, why should it matter where you find it?
If you been putting yourself out there looking for love but keep striking out, it’s more likely your expectations rather than the environment are sabotaging your search for Mr Right. You’re liking finding Mr Right-Now but lets face it, he’s not exactly hiding. Just add alcohol to any Tom, Dick or Harry and there he is! Sorry fellas, but you know it’s true.
When it comes to finding the “one”, there really isn’t a right or wrong place as many people are led to believe. For example, if you’re not a church goer (where people do recommend finding a good man) you’re not going to find anything in common with most men you find there anyway. How on earth can he even come close to being the right guy for you then? In all honesty he can’t. Not unless you suddenly change your entire lifestyle and that’s just ridiculous.
If you are meeting people in pubs, clubs or bars but haven’t been happy with the outcome of the relationships you’re finding there, you probably need to change your game plan. You’ve likely been doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. So many people fall into this trap. Only when you change your behaviour will you manage to change the outcome. Make sense?
So for one, if you are finding some companionship when you’re somewhere “wrong”, that’s half the battle. The second half of the battle is what you do with that companionship when you find it. Not all men are the same. Yes, of course if it’s dangled in front of them most of them will take it. Men are hunters, that’s what they do, but ultimately they are after the challenge whether they know it or not!! Plus, it’s incredible how persistent they can be when they really want something. There’s not need to chase because if a man is interested, he’ll usually come to you.
Basically if you are wanting more than a quick fling, a night of passion or a two date romance then plan for it. Resign the fact that you won’t be hooking up with strangers or casual acquaintances and make it clear what you are looking for. Don’t settle for less no matter how studly he is! Guys talk ladies, so it soon gets around who they can hook up with and who they can’t. Men don’t want someone long term, who will go home with anyone at the click of their fingers. There’s no challenge in that.
When word gets out that you’re a challenge and not easy pickings you’ll actually get way more attention. Be aware of how you present yourself and don’t aim to be the sexiest or hottest girl there either. You want to be alluring, not intimidating. Also, aim for the less is more look with your make up but not your clothing. You don’t want the way you look to scream one-night-stand when what you really want is a relationship. Men aren’t stupid, they know the difference.
While you’re getting this extra attention, work out who is there for what reason and you should be able to find someone who is looking for a similar relationship to you. People tend to forget that it really doesn’t matter where you find love. I met my long term partner in a very “wrong” place. (No I’m not sharing, it’s embarrassing how wrong it was!)
Plus, how will women find out who they have in front of them, if they continue to make assumptions about a mans motives? Just because you are both in the “wrong” place, doesn’t mean neither of you will find love there. You just might need to search a little harder and be a bit pickier.
Despite the fact that men do go to pubs and clubs or search online for a hook up, there are also plenty of very decent men there who maybe simply too shy to approach a lady or not after a fling at all. You won’t find that out unless you give some or at least one of them a chance. Be choosey, change your game plan and find the one searching for something more substantial and just killing time until you show up. It’s not easy out there, but if you play your cards right you’ll come out a winner!
Image via rockpele.com
Valentine’s Day is almost upon us, and it’s a day that most people either look forward to excitedly, or dread. It’s one of those few days of the year when it really hits home that you’re single. And while being single is kind of cool these days, let’s face it, who doesn’t want to receive a cute card (and if you’re lucky more!) that means you’re special in someone’s eyes?
But how can you find someone to spend Valentine’s Day with this close to the actual day? Simple – go online. It’s a woman’s world online according to RSVP, Australia’s largest singles site, where there’s a male-dominant ratio of 60 to 40. RSVP’s marketing manager, Melanie Bowman, explains that this is the case because men are used to pursuing women. “They simply take it online as an extension of their social habits,” she said.
In the past two years, online dating sites have experienced a huge boost in membership numbers and activity. In the past year alone, RSVP’s membership has grown by a massive 95%, and the site will not only celebrate its 7th birthday on Valentine’s Day, but will also welcome its 350,000th member.
According to Melanie, one major reason why online dating is experiencing such a boom is because of positive experiences from using the site. “A large number of our new members advise us that they joined the site because it was recommended by a friend,” she said. “People are talking about their experiences with RSVP and because they have had a great time using the site, their friends are jumping online too.”
Safety is another important factor in the online dating world. Reputable sites like RSVP offer an anonymous system to send emails back and forth, which means that your personal details are kept private. “You’re in complete control,” advised Melanie. “You decide who you contact and keep in contact with, you provide your email address or phone number when you want to, and you decide who to meet and when.”
RSVP doesn’t charge a joining fee, and you can search the site to your heart’s content without paying a cent. You can simply join up and wait to see who contacts you. But it is a woman’s world online after all, so why not take charge and contact that cute guy you’ve spotted? You may just end up with a Valentine’s date after all.
Visit rsvp.com.au today!
Don’t use ‘honestly’ as an excuse to be bitchy. Listing his faults in minute detail and all the reasons why you believe he’ll never find true love is not the way to go. A good thing to say is, ‘I’ve realized I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend and it wouldn’t be fair for me to start something serious with you,’ or try saying, ‘I’m really loving being single at this stage of my life. Sorry I’m not interested in getting serious.’ Do not say ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ It doesn’t really make sense and he’ll know that it’s a line.Charm School Rule 4: If you’ve met someone else
The best thing to do is tell your current boyfriend that you are sorry, that you have enjoyed your time together but you have met someone else. Tell him you respect him and that you wouldn’t cheat on him, so that is why you are telling him now, before anything happens. It may seem harsh, but if you are honest you won’t give him any false hope that he’ll be able to ‘win you back’.
Charm School Rule 5: Don?t make up elaborate excuses
Don?t say that you?re breaking up with him because of things he can?t change about himself ? and that you probably knew about him before you started going out ? such as, ?You?re too short? or ?I don?t fancy bald guys?. If you want to break up because it just doesn?t feel right or your feelings towards him have changed, then say so. Tell him that he deserves to be with someone who is right for him, and that you feel that, even though you have had a great time going out, the two of you aren?t right together in the long term.
Don’t miss part 2 next week!
Kathy Buchanan is the author of Charm School: The Modern Girl’s Complete Handbook of Etiquette and Quit for Chicks. Charm School offers fun but helpful advice on why manners are sexy and how to use them to create the life you’ve always dreamed of. It deals with difficult love, social and work situations like how to ace an interview, help a friend through a difficult break-up, handle cheating flat mates, keep your hairdresser faithful and how to not fall in love with gorgeous gay men. Charm School: The Modern Girl’s Complete Handbook of Etiquette rrp $24.95, Penguin is available in all good bookstores.
SheSaid recently asked the question “What does being single mean to you?” Here?s what some SheSaid readers from around Australia said?
Being single means being on your own; having independence; freedom and putting yourself before anything. Semra, 23, NSW.
The choice to eat pate on toast for dinner whilst wearing my flannel PJ’s. Being happy with who I am is what it’s about! Simonette, 27, QLD.
Being single means more room in the bed; more time with the girls; more space in the shower and sole possession of the remote control. Susan, 32, VIC.
It means oodles of bad dates and bad restaurants. Chantelle, 25, NSW.
To me being single means I finally have time to find myself; be myself and love myself. Jenny, 21, VIC.
I am a strong person; can change my own light bulbs; make huge decisions; eat Nutella out of the jar; take risks and love my choices! Elaine, 26, NSW.
Dates with new people; lots of time with friends; parties; shopping; chocolate galore; new hobbies and keeping up with gossip. Caroline, 25, NSW.
To have the freedom and time to focus on the people and things important to me. Jenny, 28, NSW.
Being single means everything to me; I have my independence and I control my own destiny? Tina, 31, WA.
Peace; quiet and hairy legs! Jennifer, 40, QLD.
I can go out with whom I want; can go on the computer at 3am; gaining the TV remote control; having the bed to myself. Rhonda, 45, NSW.
Being single has been the best opportunity to actually discover who I am and where I want to go in life; I know now what I want in relationship with a partner. Tania, 27, VIC.
Wearing whatever daggy underwear I want; seeing whatever ‘chick-flick’ I want; staying fit for myself and choosing my own life! Emma Louise, 18, SA.
Living with my own set of rules. No one telling me not to wear dark green nail polish. Hui, 20, VIC.
It means being able to make my own decisions; to be able to explore my full potential. Carolyn, 30, NSW.
Long lunches with the girls; Saturdays spent having manicures & pedicures; big nights at the pub – and no fighting over the remote. Bliss! Kylie, 29, SA.
Discovering yourself; your passions; beliefs and talents; who your ideal man is so when you’re ready to settle down; the relationship will be long-lasting. Roselle, 25, VIC.
It means that I know who I am and I love who I am unconditionally – and I am open to whatever opportunities come to me. Kellie-Ann, 24, NSW.
Get On With It – learn stuff!
Yes. It?s a work in progress. It?s something that I probably don?t get that much time to think about because I?m a person who, when I?m not working on my work outside of work, I?m doing the stuff I love ? it?s movies, it?s bands? I just recently did a scriptwriting course at AFTRS (Australian Film, Television and Radio School) a 6-week part-time thing. I?m always off to Melbourne to hang out with friends and stuff, I?ve got such a full life that it would never really occur to me to go out and try to meet someone. But inevitably, every time I do step out the door I meet someone!
It?s just amazing how many new friends and how many male friends you accumulate when you?re totally busy and active and interested and therefore interesting. Madonna?s motto is ?Be interested and become interesting? and I really agree with that.
What?s the best thing about being single?
I just reckon the sheer indulgence of it, the indulgence of getting the most out of your career potential, the indulgence of making your own financial decisions. But really the social thing is a huge one, because you can just indulge at your own whim. It doesn?t matter how ?on the nose? your interests are, you can do them until the cows come home. It doesn?t really matter if it?s doing stuff at home like daggy crafty stuff, which can be very soul nourishing or you have the time to do weekend seminars or weekend workshops because you don?t have anyone pining and wanting your time.
For me personally, part-time study is a big thing, and in my case, career ? having the time to develop a side career, which in my case was writing books. I wouldn?t have had the time if Mr Man was hanging around.
And what?s next for the ultimate single chick?
The third book in the series is about hanging on to the independence and the freedom and the guidelines that you cultivated while you were single and applying them to a relationship so that when Mr Right comes along, you don?t just throw it all in. It?s about getting some discipline with your time and your interests and treating it, not as ?Oh, I?m doing this now while I?m single? but as kind of a long-term investment in yourself.
It?s going to be called Get It On and it?s really for the girl that finds herself back involved, who has possibly lost her familiarity with romantic etiquette and isn?t quite sure how a relationship is going to fit in with her friends, with her hectic social life? How do you hold on to your own identity, your own independence, your own friends and make time for their friends?
To find out how, keep your eyes peeled for Get It On or check out Sue?s web site www.sueostler.com for more info about her books, Q & As and interesting facts about being single!
Get On With It is a smart, savvy guide to making the most of your time as a Singleton. Packed with interesting, thought-provoking and dare we say, life-changing stuff to help you on your path towards a balanced, independent and interesting life. Have a ball, make new friends, do stuff with your friends, family and most importantly, for yourself! Enjoy your self!
Buy Get On With It from the SheSaid Bookshop.