Capriciorns are up for just about anything between the sheets.
A great kiss should be experienced from the top of your head and work its way all the way down to the tips of your toes. That is the ultimate kiss. If you’re not aiming for that every time you kiss, you’re seriously missing out!
There really is an art to performing an incredible kiss. A bad kiss is a real let down, particularly if it’s a first kiss. If the first kiss with someone lacks that spark, which everyone is searching for, it may be a deal breaker. They figure if that spark isn’t there in that moment, it certainly isn’t going to get any better.
So how do you know if you are doing it right? No one automatically knows how to get it right and it takes a while to perfect. Remember back to your very first kiss? OMG, how bad was it? All mouth, tongue, hot breath and not exactly memorable for anything more than being your first kiss.
Now, no one can tell you how much tongue to use, how much saliva needs to be flowing, blah, blah, blah. That’s all personal preference. One thing you need to remember is that a great kiss starts slow. Just touching someone else’s tongue with yours is really sensual. So start there. Don’t go in like you are eating a giant-sized hamburger!
Starting soft, slow and sensual is what you’re after. Moisten your lips and let them gently come together with the other person’s. Let your lips touch well before you thrust in that tongue. You aren’t a lizard! Enjoy the sensation of your lips touching and then gently look for their lips with your tongue. Not like you are trying to lick something off them but like you are searching for a light connection.
If they do likewise, you will gently feel the connection between your tongues. Be careful not to overdo the tongue at this point. It’s likely you’ll begin to get that stirring feeling in the pit of your stomach. That’s the sweet spot, so savour it. Do whatever feels good and move in closer so your bodies are touching.
Your hands should be either to the back of their head with your fingers softly ruffling through their hair or cradle their face. Be conscious of where your kissing partner has their hands. If they don’t know where to put their hands, or have them somewhere else, direct them to a likewise position. Kissing is all about the face and head, not your butt, breasts or somewhere else. Well, not at this stage anyway!
You don’t have to stay glued to someone elses mouth, either. In fact, it’s better if you find their tongue and lips for a bit, come apart, take a breath and find them again, just as you did at the beginning. Take your time to build it up to being more passionate.
As that feeling in the pit of your stomach grows, the kiss will get more intense. Go with it. That’s often when hands wander. If it’s just a kiss, it might be time to pull away and come up for air. You can come back to it. Kissing not only makes us feel good, releasing all those positive endorphines, but many women find it an essential part of foreplay. That’s the beauty of kissing.
A great kiss doesn’t only get the saliva flowing but will also get the rest of the body ready for sex. Men generally don’t need as much foreplay and might neglect the effect a long, lingering kiss can have on a woman. Don’t let him rush it. That’s a sure-fire way to end up completely frustrated when he’s done and your not even halfway there. Remind him about your needs and let him know if the kiss lasts longer, you probably won’t!
Image via coverlayout.com
Looking for ways to drive your man wild and ignite the fire in his, er – belly? Well there’s nothing like a little naughtiness to keep it fresh and make him sizzle in anticipation.
Luckily, there’s a host of ways to keep that intimacy alive and well, especially while you’re doing everyday mundane things. From driving, eating, washing the dishes and everything in between, it’s just a matter of using your imagination. Here are 15 simple ways to drive him wild to start you off.
Driving: While driving in the car together, let him take the wheel and start with a firm leg rub. Then, work your way up to a sensational crutch massage. This one’s best done alone, for obvious reasons.
Breakfast in bed: Sunday breaky in bed is awesome, but this idea is even better. Get together some strawberries, cream and maybe a jar of Nutella. Anything that you don’t mind licking off his body. You’ve got extra time on a Sunday, so make it a long lasting meal instead of a quick snack.
Dirty dish washing: There’s nothing sexy about doing the dishes right? Well, what if he discovered you in the kitchen wearing nothing but an apron? To get him in the kitchen, just ask him to grab you something because your hands are wet. I bet they won’t be the only thing wet for very long.
Handwritten notes: Put sexy notes in places where he’ll find them. In with his lunch, under the sun visor in his car or strategically placed under the soap in the bathroom. It will definitely bring a smile to his dial!
Hide things: Speaking of hiding things, if he takes a brief case, tool box or something similar to work each day, hide a silk scarf, handcuffs, or a small sex toy in there. Don’t forget to write a note saying: “Please bring this home because we’ll be needing this later tonight.”
Erotic eating: When you’re alone together eating an ice-cream, a banana, sausage, or something which resembles a penis, try to do it as erotically as possible but without being too obvious about it. Pretend to be oblivious at first, but when you catch him watching you, make eye contact and give him a smile. Not only is it a bit of fun, but it’s guaranteed to drive him wild!
Foot massage: Give him a foot massage but concentrate on the area under the ankle bone on both sides of his feet. Give the region a strong rub moving in a circular motion. Apparently this is a hot spot and specifically using this motion will ignite a spark in his pelvic region.
Pelvic thrusts: When you are having sex, stop thrusting for a few moments and try doing some pelvic floor or Kegal exercises. It will feel like you’re giving his penis a mini-massage.
Housework: If you’re doing housework, why not do it in a naughty maid’s outfit? Wait until he’s sitting down in the lounge, grab a feather duster and pretend to clean up around him. He won’t be able to resist watching you work your magic.
Let your hair down: Speaking of watching, these next two are all about putting on a show for him – men just love watching women let down their hair. So if you have some long locks, let it down with a sweep of your hand, then shake it out so it falls gently around your face. The thing to remember is that if it feels sexy, it’ll look sexy.
Less is more: Continuing on the watching theme; on a hot day when it’s just the two of you, give him something to look at by wearing short skirts, sarongs, or low cut tops. Do plenty of bending down in front of him so he can get a good glimspe of your butt and breasts. He’ll probably try not to look for too long, but when you catch him, let him know it’s been your intention.
Footsies: If you go out to dinner or are at a dinner party, try and sit opposite or next to him at the table. Remove your shoes and slide your toes up his leg. He’ll go from being interested in the conversation to being more interested in his lady.
Play music: Pick a well played but sexy song on the radio. Tell your man that it makes you think of him and something he does that excites you. Each time he hears that particular song, the only thing he’ll be able to think about is the scenario that you’ve told him about.
Get wet: Surprise him by joining him in the shower. Pick you’re timing, though, because it will backfire if he’s in a hurry!
Hopefully these simple ideas to drive him wild have provided you with some inspiration to be a bit naughty for your man. If you have any more simple ideas, we’d love to hear them in the comments below!
If you’re old enough to remember a topless Fergie’s 1992 toe-sucking Texan scandal in St-Tropez – while the Duchess of York was still married to Prince Andrew – you’ll recall the somewhat cringe-worthy tabloid photos of said hot foot lovin’.
The photos, which showed American financial manager John Bryan with a mouth full of one of Fergster’s feet while they holidays and canoodled by the pool in full view of the world (and Fergie and Andrew’s toddler daughters) in southern France, were first splashed across British tabloids.
And the Queen was not amused – the Duchess is said to have been at Balmoral with the rest of the royal family when the story broke, with Her Majesty effectively banishing Fergie from the royal household henceforth.
Whether this was due to the Duchess’ refusal to toe the line (pardon the pun) or the royals’ horror at the said foot fetishism, I guess we’ll never know, but public toe-sucking has arguably suffered a tarnished public image ever since.
However, fast forward some 20 plus years and foot fetishism (er, arguably best celebrated in the privacy of your own home) is seemingly now so popular, it’s virtually cool. However, it does seem to be more popular among men.
Famous foot fetishists who’ve gone on the record of late include perennial-cool singer/songwriter Pharrell Williams, actor Jack Black, singer Ricky Martin and director Quentin Tarantino.
What’s more, Elvis himself is arguably one of the best known foot fetishists, with a well-documented obsession, allegedly as a result of having to massage his mother’s feet as a child – shudder. There’s some serious Oedipus complex going on there! And The King’s handlers are even said to have screened the rock’n’roll icon’s female love interests on the basis of their feet attractiveness, er as you do.
While foot fetishism is nothing new – indeed, it’s the most common form of sexual fetish related to the body – it’s certainly not something I’d personally encountered prior to the advent of social media. You see, I recently joined Instagram and wow, what an eye-opener it was for me when I recently innocently posted several random pictures of my feet post-pedicure, one of my favourite beauty indulgences.
A recent such pic I posted got a lot of attention from said foot fetishists in Insta-land: countless pervy comments and requests this time to both share and repost said pic to others in the foot-worshipping community. In addition, it gained me no less than nine new foot fetishist followers?! What rock had I been living under? Was foot fetishism really that much of a thing? Apparently so!
Foot worship, or podophilia, is a pronounced sexual interest in feet. For a foot fetishist, attractive traits include the shape and size of the foot and toes; foot jewellery, such as toe rings and ankle bracelets; treatments, such as pedicures or massaging; state of dress, such as barefoot and/or thongs; odour, and/or sensory interaction such as smelling, licking, kissing, tickling and biting the foot.
As we all know, it takes a lot of different types to make the world go ‘round and if feet (mine included) blow your hair back, I say go for it, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone.
The hilarious part for me though, and I mean no disrespect to said foot fetishists, is that my feet are my least favourite body part; indeed my right foot has been damaged beyond repair by years of high-heel abuse. I’ve even got a small bunion, for God’s sake! Are bunions hot?!
Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being, says foot fetishism is so popular, in part, because feet are fairly non-offensive.
“One reason we hear about foot fetishes so much is that as far as fetishes go they are quite vanilla; it’s okay to admit you have a foot fetish in comparison to BDSM [bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism] or being into golden showers, for example,” Dr Mars says.
“It can be a submissive act for men and they can enact that without going too far down the submissive path and compromising their masculinity.
“Feet are accessible. There are lots of options, toes, shoes, stockings… And the options are often elegant.
“In addition, feet are an area of the body with lots of nerve endings!”
And while feet aren’t my thing, shoes are another story altogether…
What do you think? Have you ever encountered foot fetishism in a partner?
Images, in order, via www.popsugar.com; theurbanrooms.co.uk; topnailideas.com and supplied.
Marvin Gaye and Chris Isaak exist for a reason: the bedroom. Whether you religiously press play before you jump into bed, or have never reached for a sexy soundtrack, listening to good music before, during, or after sex can be fantastic.
- It gets you in the mood
Instead of wondering who’s going to make the first move or whether your partner is in the mood tonight, putting some music on can act as a signal which takes the guesswork out of it. A lovers’ code, if you will. Not only this, but once you know your partner’s keen, the right tunes can help get you a little tingly too.
- You can keep the beat
Have you ever been mid-rhythm, completely lost in the moment, only for things to come to a halt because of a frustrating loss of momentum? It could be an awkward slip, a phone call, an unsubtle adjustment, but for whatever reason, you both lost your groove and need quick repositioning/restart. Music isn’t going to stop the interruptions, but it will help you find a beat and get back into it faster than you can say ‘libido.’
- It can hide the awkward sounds
Sex sounds are inevitable. There are a lot, from creaky beds and squeaky springs to groans and body fluid squelches. You don’t want to cover up all of them, but you’ll probably feel more comfortable about the involuntary body sounds if there’s music on to help hide them. Plus, you’ll feel more relaxed and less self-conscious about making them in the first place if you’re lost in the moment with Frank Ocean crooning out of a speaker next to you.
- It mixes things up
If you’ve been with the same partner a while, there’s nothing worse than sex feeling like a chore, and for it to be the same every time it does (eventually) happen. Music can be a simple way to change things up a little, with a different sensory experience happening. Maybe you went to a gig for an early date so you put on that album. It doesn’t matter what the music is, as long as it’s different to what you’ve been doing the past 1/4/10/30 years.
- It can break the ice
On the opposite end of the ‘mixing things up’ scale is breaking the ice. For a first encounter, self-consciousness can be high and nerves can be running wild. The right music can help you both relax, and if things are looking a bit shaky, can work as a conversation starter. There could be a common interest there, it could bring up an old story, and if you like their choice of tune, could give some assurance they’re normal.
- It heightens sensations
A study from McGill University found that when we listen to music, we release dopamine – the “feel good” chemical. So put that together with sex, and there are a lot of pretty “feel goods” out there. Science doesn’t lie.
For most ladies an orgasm doesn’t just happen. So women intent on experiencing greater sexual pleasure haven’t just laid back, knelt down, or stood up expecting their partner to get them off. Instead, women have realised that they need to take charge of their own sexual pleasure and now there’s no stopping them!
Hell bent on making sex even better, some gals have been having bigger, better, stronger, longer AND more intense orgasms. Sounds pretty awesome, doesn’t it? Well, if you’d like to join these smiling, sexually satisfied women I’ll give you the low down on what they’re doing to achieve it.
It’s all in your head ladies!
Our brains are the one forgotten sex organ we all have. So many of us neglect to recognise that if it weren’t for sexual urges which initiate in our brains, we wouldn’t bother having sex at all. Basically, if want a more intense orgasm think about sexual positions that have worked well for you, if any toys or lubes have helped make your orgasm more intense and think your way to a better orgasm.
Look after your general health
Your overall health can really impact your ability to orgasm. So if you’re a drinker or smoker and think that exercise if only for athletes then sorry ladies, but you’re already behind the 8-ball. For one, drinking might help lower your inhibitions, but it also lowers your ability to orgasm.
Primarily you need to focus on activities that boost your circulation and enable you to breathe better when having sex. The key thing to remember is that sex is like any other exercise and the more you train for it, the better your outcome will be.
Produce more Oxytocin
According to scientific research published in Hormones and Behavior, Oxycontin may increase sexual satisfaction and the intensity of orgasm. Additionally, when produced in women it’s believed they feel more comfortable sharing sexual desires with their partner. This miraculous hormone is produced when we display gestures of affection through hugging, cuddling, kissing, touching and during sex.
More foreplay and delay your orgasm
It’s a fact that sex is always better with foreplay. Not only does it lube up all of the important parts of our bodies that we use during sex, but it also builds up anticipation. Anticipation is the key if you want a more intense orgasm. So in other words, work toward orgasm and then back of. Do this as many times as you possibly can and by the time you do actually reach climax, it will be the big bang you’re looking for.
Lube isn’t just for those who have trouble producing their own. It’s fun to slip and slide, plus it’s been recommended for a way more intense orgasm.
Pelvic floor exercises aka kegels
One of the easiest ways to improve the intensity of your orgasm is by doing pelvic floor exercises aka kegels. They’re an easy exercise that can be done anywhere, at any time, and have been recommended to strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor which support the bladder, uterus and vagina.
If you aren’t sure how they’re done, videos that go into further detail are available online; plus there is a neat little gadget called the Kgoal (pictured below) which has been specifically designed to help women strengthen their pelvic floor muscles. Click on the image for a video on how it works.
Seriously girls, how is anyone going to know how to get you off if you don’t know how to do it yourself? Experiment with what you like and discover what makes your orgasm more intense. Try out different toys, lubes, positions and times of the day or night. You might find your body responds better to some things than others.
Boost your libido
It makes sense that if you desire more sex then your body will be better prepared when you have it. Ways to boost your libido include eating certain foods, surrounding yourself with particular smells, masturbating regularly and having more sex. The more sex you have with the same partner, the better the sex will get. What’s more, if it’s good, you’ll want more – a lot like chocolate!
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want
So often men feel like they need to be the ones to supply female sexual satisfaction. Many do so without direction, so don’t be shy or coy in the sack! Tell your partner exactly what you want and don’t forget to ask him to multitask. This will stimulate more regions within your brain and give you a way more intense orgasm. Not only is a sexually confident woman irresistible, but most men want their partners to enjoy the experience.
If anyone has anymore suggestions, we’d love to hear about them in the comments below!
Image via thesheet.ng
Can couples’ mismatched libidos be cured simply by men doing more housework and occasionally letting their partners sleep-in? I had this revelation in the shower recently, while feeling on top of the world, after my husband granted me a rare sleep-in.
As a busy working mum, I’d felt so pathetically grateful for a few extra hours of sleep – after my beloved husband took the bullet and got up with our two small kids at the crack of dawn and let me stay where I was, blissfully warm and cosy, with one eye open, willing him to get up with them for once.
And you know what? My well-rested state and good mood continued for the rest of the day – especially after he helped around the house too, without being asked – and he got lucky that very afternoon. Coincidence? I think not.
So, ladies – what do you think? What would you much rather: sex or sleep? And are you more inclined to have mad, crazy sex with your husband, if he’d only help out more with the kids and the housework and let you catch up on some extra, much-needed rest?
Now, I’m no sexologist, but it seems to me this could be a solution – if only men would listen up –to many a marital conflict and discord over mismatched libidos. Why? I believe today’s busy, modern woman has more on her plate than ever before. In our quest to try to “have it all” we are wearing ourselves out in our bid to be the perfect businesswoman, wife, mother, friend and the list goes on. It’s called the “superwoman syndrome” and the struggle is real, very real. And so, many busy women I know, myself included, are perpetually exhausted due to struggling to fulfill all these taxing roles at once.
If I’m brutally honest, I’d choose sleep over sex every time right now. I just can’t get enough shut-eye, largely due to the fact I’m juggling so much and our two-year-old and three-year-old daughters still wake many times in the night. And I don’t think I’m alone in feeling like this. Indeed, a short poll of five of my closest friends – all busy professionals and mums themselves – three out of five would choose sleep over sex also. So, if men just stepped up more – would men and women’s sex drives be more in sync?
I mean, I love sex, don’t get me wrong, I just feel like I don’t have enough energy for it, every time. But should we women instead be focusing more on “getting in the mood” for sex?
Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being, says couples with mismatched libidos need to be open and communicative – and a little kindness and empathy goes a long way.
“Not many people like housework and resentment is a massive turn off,” Dr Mars says. “Signalling that a complaint has been heard and you are willing to do something to make the other person feel better is always likely to ease the pain. So yes, I think in many instances it doesn’t take too much more than a sleep-in and a little housework to boost women’s sex drives.
“Men could try doing little things like a foot soak, a shoulder rub or even making a cup of tea when a partner is a little spent and weary. This can have spectacular results. It doesn’t take to much effort to fill a bucket of water, pour in some bath salts and grab a towel.”
What do you think? What would you prefer: sex or sleep?
Images via irishexaminer.com, mirror.co.uk
Sorry to any coy or shy folks out there, but sexting isn’t a fad and it looks like it’s definitely here to stay. In fact, over the past few years it’s become a pretty standard form of intimacy. Researchers at Drexel University’s Women’s Health Psychology Lab report that almost 90 per cent of people aged 18-80 have engaged in sexting at least once during their lifetime.
So with all this sexting going on, how many of you feel like you’re actually nailing it? Seriously, there are no classes to teach us how it’s done (please correct me if I’m wrong), what the objective is, or even what constitutes sexting. Is it foreplay? Is it a modern day love letter – and are images or videos considered sexting?
Basically, it’s yes to all the above and the beauty is that there are no rules – it helps spice up people’s sex lives and it makes us feel good. So if you want some hot tips on how to keep a blushing shade of red on your sexting partners face all day long, please keep reading.
Writing a horny sext
Now, if you want an example of a long hot steamy sext you’ll have to go elsewhere. Why? Generic sexts regurgitated from websites and other sources are just wrong. When sent, they don’t include any of the passion or intimacy within a relationship. At best they are just dirty talk, which I’m sure people can conjure up on their own or borrow from some cheap porno.
Instead, I’d much rather give you some tips about how to write your own horny sexts and keep them coming. This way they can come from the heart – or further down the torso – and be relevant to the person you are sending them to.
1. Should sexts be based on fantasy or reality?
There are plenty of thoughts circulating regarding fantasy sexts vs sticking with reality. Despite some folks claiming that sexts should be based on real sexual behaviour and talking dirty, there are just as many, if not more, advocates for fantasy.
I’d have to agree with both, however; fantasy sexting has an added advantage. It’s an excellent way of communicating inner animistic desires. From childhood most people haven’t been conditioned to reveal them and so many sexual fantasies remain just that. Sexting therefore provides an opportunity to introduce these fantasies into a relationship, particularly for those not quite sure how to go about it.
2. What to write about
Even if you aren’t the worlds best writer, you should be able to produce a great sext. If you’re in a relationship, the main aim is to keep the sext personal and focus on the things that you know will excite the receiver. It might be past experiences that you’ve shared together, sexual acts or scenarios you’d like to try, the way the person makes you feel or anything else you share as a couple. Basically, the idea is to make sexting an extension of your sex life and use words, images and videos to spice things up a bit.
Alternatively, if a sext is to a person who you haven’t been intimate with, write about some of their features that you find attractive, how they make you feel, or what you’d like to do with them if given the chance. Don’t be overwhelming, though. In these instances, you probably don’t know the recipient well enough to know their likes or dislikes. What you may consider harmless sexting could be considered offense and stop things dead in their tracks. Ideally, test the water and see how far you can go.
3. How to write it
By now you know what you should be writing, so the next step is to know how to write it. Ideally, you want some foreplay to begin with, so start slowly with something like: “I’ve been thinking about you all day and can’t get the image of you out of my mind.” From there, gradually build the anticipation. This can be done by being as detailed as possible, much like soft porn written in a romantic novel. “I love it when we lie naked on the bed together. Your heart pounding as I begin to…” You get the picture.
On the contrary, there are other types of sexts that get right to the point and are simple dirty talk. They are just a quick reminder to a lover that you’re thinking of them. For example: “I can’t wait to have you between my legs tonight.” They aren’t as romantic or inventive as longer, hotter and more descriptive ones, but they get the job done – especially if you aren’t confident in writing.
4. Using images and videos
Not everyone can write horny sexts or is comfortable with talking dirty, so still images and videos are another option. The sky’s the limit with this one, so use your most vivid imagination and you’ll nail it.
My only tip here is to keep private images and videos private, if that’s your intention. That means making sure that they aren’t synced to Facebook or other internet sites, even in private settings. Also, make an arrangement that any sexts sent during a relationship aren’t to be publicly exposed after a break up. This may not seem valid during a relationship, but it will be highly relevant if it ends.
Most of us can manage to send a few images or a dirty video, but it’s words that people often struggle with. So, if you do have trouble writing a sext, I have a simple solution. Find somewhere where you can be alone, close your eyes, visualise a scenario of the two of you and then narrate it in your head. If you aren’t comfortable coming up with a fantasy scenario, then recall some steamy situation from your past.
To write it, you can either visualise the scene in its entirety and then describe it in a sext, or better still, write it as it plays out in your head. Finally, if it gets your juices flowing when you’re sending it, then the receiver will be blushing wherever they happen to be when they receive it. It really is that easy.
One of life’s best natural highs is the thrill, passion and excitement of having a new partner. The conversation is endless, the connection you both feel is intense and the sex… Well let’s be totally honest, it’s hotter than hell! So, if you could reignite that honeymoon spark with your long term partner, why wouldn’t you do it?
Now, according to Graeme Sudholtz, a former Aussie farmer turned relationship and sex therapist and co-owner of Oztantra, “As you get older sex goes from a V8 automatic to a 4 speed manual, but it gets better!” His charming and equally skilled partner in life and in business, Annette Baulch, smiled and nodded in agreement.
I recently had the opportunity and privilege to sit down with this knowledgeable couple of holistic therapists to discuss love, life, relationships and of course sex. It was an entertaining and eye opening half hour, which left me wanting to book an appointment to go back for more!
They offer individual sessions, couples therapy and retreats, Skype appointments and more. Teaching individuals and couples about their sexuality, how to improve quality and quantity in their sex life, how to reignite the intimacy and connection in relationships and having longer lasting sex, are just a few of the topics we discussed. If you want more from your sex life and relationship, I’d highly recommend these two very down to earth, life and fun loving professionals.
They’re relaxed natures and ease in discussing relationships and sex would make even the coyest of people comfortable and they were kind enough to offer SHESAID tips on any upcoming relationship or sex related articles. Tips from the sexperts guys… Thank you Oztantra!
So, now you know where our info is coming from, lets get into Annette’s top 10 tips for reigniting that honeymoon spark:
1. Remember how to feel – The most common reason relationships go stale is that we shut down emotionally from each other. Make your feelings ok, remembering if you can’t feel yourself, you wont feel someone else.
2. Feeling mistakes – Don’t assume that the man is not feeling just because he may not talk about them or uses different language in talking about it. Men do feel, they just have less permission to show it. And women, don’t assume you ARE, check that you’re actually feeling your feelings in your body rather than thinking your feelings.
3. Be willing to be vulnerable – Being vulnerable is how we are able to connect with another and invite our partner into our world, which can be scary! Consequences of not doing this will ultimately lead to the loss of the relationship. Actively choosing to go there is far less scary.
4. Sleep together naked – Our skin is the largest organ in the body and is longing to be nurtured. As adults we are often touch-hungry, especially for touch that has no agenda to it. Relax and snuggle.
5. Honour yourself – We don’t realise how much we dampen our spirit by the hundreds of negative judgments we make about ourselves. Offer honest appreciation daily.
6. Bring love back into sex – Sex becomes boring and hard work when we let love run out and start performing instead. In sex, seek to connect rather than stimulate. Go slowly, connect eyes and breathe.
7. See each other clearly – Take the time to really listen to what they are saying (like you used to do) and get to know a whole new person.
8. Remove your exits – Long-term relationships can get leaky, where we drain energy away from the relationship. This can result in the ‘invisible divorce’. Too much TV, work, talking with friends, focusing on the kids, porn – all of these factors can negatively effect our relationships.
9. Plan a sex date – Set up a regular time to be sexual. Set the date and time (not late at night). You have other essential appointments, why not make sex one of them? Send texts in the lead-up. Ask your partner what they want, enjoy it with them if it feels ok for you. Vary it so you both get to share.
10. Spend quality time on your own – Sometimes couples can get enmeshed and lose the sense of a unique identity, which is what attracted you in the first place. It is healthy to have some time out on your own now and again.
If you want that honeymoon spark back or would like to find out more, speak to Annette and Graeme from Oztantra. Plus, we will have plenty more Oztantra tips and information coming up on SHESAID.
Image via oztantra.com
Is your sex life getting you down? We’ve created the seven days to better sex plan. Just follow a different tip every day to get your mojo back between the sheets.
It’s time to spice up how you live your sex life. Below are seven tips to increase your sex life.
1. Love yourself
The first step to better sex is accepting your body. Embrace it! Love your lumps and bumps – they’re part of you. Insecurities show, and this important confidence boost will play a huge role in improving your sex life – and your self-esteem overall.
2. Challenge yourself with change
We all get used to the same old scenarios and positions, but tonight, mix it up and give boredom the flick. Try a new sexual position. Being open-minded to your partner’s suggestions. Explore your fantasies and your partner’s as well.
3. What turns you on it?
It’s time to voice what turns you on and share it with your partner, and listen to what turns them on. Being able to share your sexual thoughts is an important step in communication.
4. Don’t be shy with the foreplay
Remember how great foreplay was when you first started dating? It’s like that delicious amuse bouche before a sumptuous dinner. Don’t rush into sex – tonight, linger over kissing, touching, and playing.
5. Make some noise
There’s nothing more exciting than hearing your partner moan in bed! Same goes for you – demonstrate how good it feels. It doesn’t hurt to talk dirty either.
6. Be intimate
Sex is more than just a race to orgasm. When you get home from work, kiss your partner on the back of the neck. Shower together. Enjoy a glass of wine with the lights turned low. Practise small tokens of intimacy every day.
7. Get your endorphins on
Exercise releases natural endorphins which make you feel amazing for hours afterwards, so tonight, get sweaty together before you even hop under the sheets. Go for a jog together, hit the gym, or enjoy a bike ride after work. You’ll love how good it makes you feel!
Move over, missionary! This weekend is just the time to get your groove on under the sheets and try some great sex positions to up your bedroom game. Better sex starts tonight!
The Ballet Dancer
Face him and push him against a wall. While standing on one leg, wrap your other leg around him. Have him hold your leg or your hips for support. This is a very sensual position. It may be a little harder to do if there is a large height difference between the two of you, but try it anyways. It’s worth it.
Here is a move you’re both guaranteed to love. While he’s lying down, straddle him but facing his feet. This is a particularly kinky position because you’ll have most of the control, so take advantage by teasing him a little by speeding up and then slowing down. The reverse cowgirl also provides him with an excellent view of your butt.
Spank Me Maybe
This sex position is a great move if you want to give him a little more control. Start in reverse cowgirl and have him sit up with his legs still extended. Lie forward between his legs. Your legs will be extended back while your torso is between his thighs. This move is great for some spanking and hair pulling.
While he sits cross-legged, sit on his lap while facing him and wrap your arms and legs around him in a passionate embrace. The key is to rock back and forth, not to thrust. This position is great for intimacy and kissing while you rock to orgasm.
Downward Facing Doggie
Yogis and yogis-to-be will love this move. For those who are unfamiliar with yoga, begin in the normal doggie style position and, with your hands still on the floor, place your feet flat on the floor and lift your butt high in the air, creating a pyramid. Have him hold onto your hips while he thrusts into you. Like doggie style, this position is great for deep penetration and G-spot stimulation.
Lie on your front with your legs apart and arms extended over your head, like you’re swimming. Your man lies on top of you (think missionary, but you’re lying on your stomach and not your back). Bring your feet closer together for a tighter squeeze.
Visual stimulation and comfort to help achieve orgasm are easy with this sex position. The man sits flat on the bed, with one leg out straight and the other bent at the knee. Sit on his lap to achieve deep penetration and clitoral friction.
The moods set and you’re ready to do the deed, but something just isn’t working – that’s why we’ve put together the top 5 reasons you’re not having an orgasm.
Did you know that only 10 per cent of women easily climax? While the other 90 per cent of us are left struggling to reach that moment of pleasure no matter how much we anticipate it. Sexual positions and libido aside, there are some lesser-known reasons why you just aren’t making it. But, don’t stress, you can fix it!
You spend all day at a desk
Spending your day cooped up at a desk can actually shorten your pelvic muscles. This may not seem like a big deal but it not only leads to pelvic pain, it can also make it harder to orgasm. For some, these symptoms might appear mere months after starting a new desk job – for others it may take years. However, your job doesn’t have to doom you to a lifetime of bad sex. Getting up and moving around every half-hour or so, or stretching your hip flexors with back bends, squats and butterfly stretches, can all see you on the road to recovery – and a healthier and happier sex life.
You’re overdoing the alcohol
To orgasm your body needs plenty of H2O because the arousal tissue linked to your orgasms is comprised of collagen, elastin and relaxin. For the tissue to do its job it needs to be able to slide and guide, but without fluid it can’t do this. Since alcohol dries up your body, make sure you drink plenty of water whenever you indulge in that always-tempting bottle of wine.
Your medication is interfering
Every day medications like blood pressure tablets, contraceptive pills, and anti-depressants are the main culprits. A common side effect of these drugs is a spike in your prolactin levels – a protein that reduces libido. The antihistamines in these drugs can also reduce your ability to self-lubricate and make sex uncomfortable. This means that you will probably need lube to prevent discomfort and get closer to pleasure. If you have any of these symptoms it’s best to seek medical advice before you take action.
Your partner hasn’t worked out your pleasure spots
Every woman’s parts are slightly different, including your pleasure spots. If you’re in a new relationship or your partner is generally inexperienced, he might need some guidance. Communication is the key here. Talk to him, let him know what feels good, or to get really kinky and show him.
You don’t masturbate enough
Did you know that how often you pleasure yourself directly affects your chances of reaching orgasm when you’re with your partner? This is because your ability to fantasise during masturbation can help you be more orgasmic during foreplay or sex. Jenny Block, author of O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm, says that “orgasm breeds orgasm,” and recommends masturbating at least three times per week.
Overcoming your sexual obstacles really is easier than you may think. You’ll be orgasming every time once you work out the kinks in your relationship.
Image source: www.mindbodygreen.com
When you’re riding the crimson wave, you have a lot of mixed emotions that are like a washing machine inside you. You’re cranky, feeling fat, feeling yucky, but also feeling like you might want to get down and dirty (really dirty) with your sweetheart, even though, you’re suffering from cramps and a chocolate food baby.
During our periods, we’ve got heaps of hormones rushing through us and our levels of progesterone (the pregnancy hormone) are at their lowest. Progesterone is often said to put a wet cloth on your libido candle, so when it’s low, you’re all fired up, putting you in the position to have some mind blowing sex. Having orgasms during your period can also relieve cramps, back pain and other physical discomfort that may affect you during that time of the month.
Having an orgasm during sex can also make your period shorter. Your period slowly starts to evacuate itself from your body through involuntary contractions of your uterus. When you have an orgasm, your uterus contracts, pushing blood out; so while after you have sex it may seem that your period is heavier, it may be shorter in the long-term and thus give you more time for non-bloody sex.
There’s a stigma around having sex on your period; that it’s gross and unsanitary and that lots of blood is going to run everywhere. While blood pouring out of your vajayjay is unlikely, if you’re worried about getting messy, laying down a towel over those Egyptian cotton sheets or moving to the shower to do the deed are a few great options. One thing you shouldn’t be worried about though is the lubrication – things will be pretty slippery down there, so there will be no lube required.
As for the gross part, it’s really time to get over it. Having your period is a natural function of a woman and contrary to popular male opinion, blood does not gush out of our vaginas during menstruation. We’re not sitting on a red river here. On average, a woman loses 30-40 mL during the 3-7 days she has her period. This is less than a quarter of a cup over that whole time. You’re not going to be covered head to toe True Blood style by the time you’re done.
To minimise the mess, a soft menstrual cup or male or female condom can be used. You can still get pregnant on your period, so precautions should always be taken. Another option is to wear a pad and pull your panties to the side so that you can easily slide them back over your lady parts when you’re done. Having sex in the missionary position is also the best option to stop anything from dripping too much, thanks to gravity of course.
While you should never do anything that you feel uncomfortable with, why not take advantage of the sexual enthusiasm that you’re having on your period? You’ll feel great and will satisfy your cravings – and let’s be honest, it’s unlikely that he’ll complain about getting to have sex for the whole month instead of adding in a blowjob/hand-job/no-job week.
Image via warnerbros.co.uk and someecards.com
When was the last time you had an earth-shatteringly good orgasm – the kind that gave you good bed hair; an all-day glow; and which may have scared the neighbours?
Like our own personal happiness, we all need to take responsibility for our sexual enjoyment – the onus is on you, not your partner, to truly learn what blows your hair back. So, how do we maximise our personal pleasure?
Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being, says there are fast and easy steps we can all take to get in the mood for hot sex.
- Heighten your awareness
We’re surrounded by sex all day, every day, in advertising, TV and multimedia, but how do we become more attuned to our turn-ons? “Once you are attuned to your own turn-ons, it becomes easier to discern what you really like, and in my experience, the scope of what you really like broadens,” Dr Mars says.
“Anything you see, read, or think about that is outside of what you think is okay, or what you would do, or that you think is a little risque is likely to be a turn-on. It has to be not too far over the borders, but just far enough to make you feel a little naughty/dirty/wrong. For example, nudity is a bit ho-hum for me, but if I get a glimpse of nakedness in a fashion magazine it often gives be a little sexual buzz.” Learn your sweet spots so you can go there quickly in your head.
- Practice makes perfect
Do you look and feel best in a gorgeous LBD and heels? Or does wearing super-sexy lingerie make you feel aroused? Find out what it is that makes you feel like a wanton sex goddess and buy it in every colour (okay, maybe not quite). By practising the art of feeling sexy, you’ll elevate your chances of hot sex. “Dress up in front of the mirror and find something you feel sexy in and you know looks good and keep it handy and slip it on when you want to have a good time, but you’re not quite in the mood,” Dr Mars says.
- Explore your horizons
The pursuit of great personal pleasure is a great excuse to learn new skills. Think you’re a sex ninja in the bedroom? Think again, says Dr Mars – we can all become better-skilled lovers, she says. “Go see someone like me and learn how to change the way your body works and the way you think about sex, learn a new skill,” Dr Mars says. “Or leave dumb Fifty Shades of Grey ideas about BDSM behind and learn how to spank someone so they like it.” You can also try a new technique in the bedroom to rock both yours and your partner’s socks off: if you’re usually passive, take charge, for example.
- Are you being served?
Do you and your partner need a change of pace, or what about a change of scene? Hot hotel sex could be just the ticket! There, you can role play; try something new – hello couples’ sex toys; or just bloodywell take some much-needed time out with your partner, sans kids, to enjoy each other’s company and engage in some wild sex! “Hotel sex is a great way to get in the mood for hot sex,” Dr Mars advises. “Plan it, spoil yourselves, buy each other a sexy present and drink champagne, although not too much!”
- Laughter is the best medicine
When did life get so serious? Remind yourselves of the carefree life you lived before kids and have sex in the great outdoors; go on a picnic, or watch a funny movie together. Laugh like a drain with your significant other and have good, old-fashioned fun and silly sex and you’ll both feel a damn sight happier for it. “Have a laugh; most of the time we’re way too serious,” Dr Mars says. “And, like anything, sex is much better if you’re relaxed.”
NB dear reader: Dr Mars is also quick to point out it’s vital to learn how to say no and take charge of sex if you stop enjoying it. In addition, never feel pressured to have sex or do it against your will – your body is your own sacred place, not someone else’s. Just say no.
Has your mojo pulled a disappearing act this winter? I hate to go all EL James on you and start talking about God-awful-sounding “inner goddesses dancing”, as per Fifty Shades of Grey, but there are some simple ways to bring your sexy back, even if your inner sex goddess has well and truly gone AWOL.
- Pamper thyself: A long-forgotten 11th biblical commandment, especially befitting working mums (busy women in general, actually) is to take the time to soothe your ills, whatever and whichever way you can, time permitting. Need a facial or a massage – nay, the whole goddam beauty menu – to destress and feel sexy once more? Do it – with no guilt whatsoever. I’m also a big believer in the power of shopping for a good high heel and/or a red lipstick – whatever blows your hair back, sister.
- Flick the bean: Any sexologist worth their weight in sex toys will tell you masturbation is good for your health – it’s even good for your hair, dammit! OK, I may have made that last one up. But you get the picture: a good solo sex session will put colour in your cheeks, make you feel sexier and more alive; reduces stress and PMS; and is even said to help combat chronic back pain. Sold!
- You gotta keep movin’: What’s your fave way to work up a sweat? No matter if it’s trampolining, dwarf throwing or shopping at a sale – get your pretty arse moving for those much-needed feel-good endorphins in winter. Hell, as good sex session even counts as exercise, right?
- Laugh like a drain: I’m a big believer in this one – laughter really is the best medicine for a troubled soul – so spend some time with your beloved besties, add a good cocktail or two to warm those winter cockles – and you’ll feel more like your old, sexy self in no time. In addition, there’s nothing like a man who can make you laugh – now that’s sexy! In fact, a clever and funny man may just be the ticket to charm your clothes right off and help unleash your sex-goddess-in-hiding.
- Poppin’ bottles in the ice: Lost your mojo? Find it fast with these decadent aphrodisiacs: oysters, red wine, hot chilli, champagne (OK, this one might just be me), asparagus, avocado and chocolate. These babies are scientifically proven to boost your sex life, so get your freak back on, girlfriend!
Images via www.studded-hearts.com; www.thetimes.co.uk
It was an ex-boyfriend’s insatiable love of watching both Sex And The City DVDs and former Australian professional racing cyclist Cadel Evans in tiny, sweaty lycra shorts during the Tour de France for hours on end which first rang alarm bells in my head.
Was I, in fact, dating a gay man, or a bi-curious one at that? I’d dated stranger, I told myself, and endeavoured to have an open mind when it came to the very handsome and very fit, body-obsessed and bathroom-hogging, new boyfriend whom I’d been dating for a month or so several years back. Perhaps he was just very metrosexual? And gender roles were becoming increasingly blurred, these days, I consoled myself.
My gay friends, of course, happily claimed him as one of their own – was my gay-dar that far off? Meanwhile, best girlfriends I’d roped in to meet “new guy” were as equally flummoxed as me. We were having sex, and lots of it, so he couldn’t possibly be gay, right? Wrong. My gay posse ala Sex and the City (pictured) were all over it, even though I didn’t want to believe it at first.
Ah the beauty of hindsight: sure, there were other tell-tale signs, such as his extreme love of fashion and beauty (a gay stereotype if there ever was one); but ultimately it was this ex-boyfriend’s shocking reveal at my home one day which convinced me he truly was batting for the other team. Imagine my dismay, when said man appeared on my doorstep, ready to collect me for another date (did I mention he also really loved shopping?) and quickly dropped his trousers, proudly presenting me with his new crack, back ‘n’ sack waxing treatment he’d just had done. The horror!
Now, I am fully aware it’s common practice for both straight and gay men to indulge in the full-wax thing these days, but in my experience at least, it’s not something a lot of Gen-X straight men are into – and that’s my generation, baby. A best friend, who wishes to remain anonymous, strongly disagrees with me on this point, but she recently moved from Sydney to Brisbane, and spent all her singleton time in the former city, so I say she’s at least wrong re: heteros’ pubic hair habits in the sunshine state, where I’m based.
And to this day, I still don’t know what impression I ever gave said ex that that was something I’d love. For the record, I like a manly man with furry bits! And my face must have given away my utter dismay, for he exclaimed: “Don’t you like my present?” Present?! All I could do was think at the time: “Oh honey, that’s not really for me.” And so we finally had the awkward chat about his obvious gayness, to which he reluctantly confessed, and we split amicably. And thankfully, just as I myself was about to swear off the opposite sex, I met my very manly and straight, future husband not long after that.
Have you ever dated a gay or a bi-curious man too, ladies? It’s an increasingly common social phenomenon according to Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being.
“Why are we becoming more bisexual? Perhaps we are just owning it more, or perhaps we are having more opportunity to play with sex and identity,” Dr Mars says. “If I had a dollar for every time anyone said ‘I’m not out at work’ to me I would be rich.
“I 100 per cent guarantee you that you know people who are gay, kinky, queer… And that you don’t know it. People who like sex and have a lot of sex are more likely to experiment with bisexuality. Pan-sexual is a good, encompassing term. It’s about being kinky, gay, bi, queer… It generally means someone who is sexually adventurous and is willing to give new things a go.”
So, why do gay men sometimes have lots of straight sex, I asked the good doctor – why bother? “Gay men sometimes have sex with women; I have gay friends who were once married, I am saying gay deliberately here as they are as far from bisexual as you can get,” Dr Mars says. “One says of his marriage, ‘The sex was okay, but men get me up quicker’, while the other just likes having sex and if there happens to be a woman involved, that’s okay too.
“Sometimes gay men date women because they haven’t yet realised they are gay or because they are gay and they want to have a family, or because there is a level of internalised homophobia that makes it not okay for them to express their gayness or to claim a gay identity.
“And often gay men have sex with women because they are curious about what it’s about. They might want to try strap-on sex or something else the woman is good at that they haven’t tried before, or they might meet a couple and be attracted to the man and end up having sex with both of them.
“I like the Robbie Williams’ song Swings Both Ways, with the lyrics:
‘Everybody swings both ways…
And after I’ve done her
Well you can do me
Dr Mars says recent research she did with Australia’s largest adult dating site, Adult Match Maker, which attracted more than 7600 Australian anonymous respondents, revealed that even people who aren’t interested in having sex with someone who is of a different gender to their normal partner would do it if their partner asked them to.
“As sexual identity categories soften and become more flexible, people are more likely to have a variety of different kinds of sex,” Dr Mars explains. “A gay man can have sex with a woman and still be gay. I can have sex with a gay man and it’s not heterosexual sex.
“Sex is a skill and it’s good to have sex with people who have excellent sexual prowess. After all, we learn the most about sex when we are having the best sex.”
What do you think? Have you ever dated a gay man?
Images via Huffington Post, Salon, Baller Alert
Have you ever suffered a great sexual misadventure, equal parts hilarious and embarrassing? Let’s face it, sex can be pretty funny – and, at its best, it can be fun, spontaneous, messy, passionate and pleasurable.
One of the greatest sexual mishaps I’ve ever heard of (but not personally encountered, thank God) is the friend-of-a-friend who once hit her head on a ceiling fan, mid sex-romp, suffering a minor, and not-so-funny, bloody head injury in the process. Her lover was very tall, you see, and obviously was so caught up in the moment and/or executed poor judgement in hoisting her up straight into a ceiling fan. Fail!
As for me, the sheer absurdity of finding Lego wedged in my hair recently, after my beloved husband and I were taken by the mood in the family living area – long after our cute, pesky toddlers were sound asleep – brought home to me the good, silly, funny side of sex and why it’s important in a long-term relationship.
Other hilarious and deeply cringe-worthy sexual misadventures I’ve heard of include: a flying, strap-on dildo-in-the-eye accident which caused a very unfortunate and painful black eye; a male friend accidently massaging Deep Heat into his poor female partner’s genitals; and oral sex gone hideously wrong when a woman attempted to suck on her lover’s penis shortly after chewing three Fisherman’s Friend lozenges. Yikes! Said poor man then ran off in horror and never came back which certainly makes for a very funny, if unfortunate story.
And this is key: you can tell a lot about a person by their response to humorous situations, including sexual mishaps. Sure, some sexual misadventures are incredibly embarrassing, especially if you don’t know your partner very well – no arguments there – but the ability to laugh at ourselves and others in a good-natured way is a very attractive personality trait. What’s more, in this great adventure called life, you want to walk the path with someone special with whom you can enjoy a good belly laugh, right?
So, why do we make the mistake of taking sex too seriously? And why is good humour such a fundamentally important part of a healthy and happy long-term sexual relationship? For answers, I turned to my good contact, the equally hilarious and learned Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being.
“Sex, an act of simple pleasure becomes a serious and contentious issue for many reasons,” Dr Mars says, “In society today, sex stands for so much. It is often the primary marker of identity – whether gay, straight, trans, married or divorced.
“These parts of identity are often tied to social standing and we often hold onto relationships well beyond their use-by-date in order to preserve our sense of self. In the process, sex becomes a serious business.
“Desire naturally changes over our life spans and ebbs and flows in the course of long-term relationships. We may no longer be attracted to our partners; become bi-curious; have children; experience work stress; suffer the death of a loved one; become sick; or just stop having sex. As a result, desire and ability to give and experience pleasure diminishes and sex becomes a humourless business. Mismatched desire, low-libido, cheating, sexual frustration and a raft of other serious issues may ensue.”
So, if we need to inject some good, old-fashioned fun and spontaneity back into our sex lives, how do we go about this? NB: Dr Mars says while funny, sexual mishaps (pictured above, ouch!) are not always the answer.
“Sex accidents can be serious and funny, more commonly serious at the time and funny in retrospect,” she says. “The person at accident and emergency waiting for the vibrator to finish buzzing so the surgeon can remove it probably stopped laughing when it began to make its way unbidden up their anus.
“Light-heartedness in general is important; not taking things too seriously. Learning to laugh when bad things happen and moving on from mistakes enhances sex as it does other aspects of your life. A bit of humour can also be used to initiate sex and to bring a sex session that is not going so well to a close.
“Laughing brings some colour to your cheeks, just like a good orgasm. Going to bed after a good laugh is going to be more conducive to sex than watching the news! A lot of porn is quite funny, too. So, I would suggest finding a spoof of your favourite movie Edward Penishands, for example, and deciding for yourself if humour enhances sex.”
A good belly laugh plus pleasurable sex romp with your significant other is never a bad thing; go well, ladies!
What do you think? Have you ever suffered a great sexual misadventure?
Images via someecards.com, lockerdome.com, gbaglobal.com
Ladies, it’s time to “flick the bean”; May is International Masturbation Month. In addition, International Masturbation Day is also keenly observed all around the globe on varying days during May.
So, why is it so good for you to help yourself? Masturbation is normal, natural, healthy and highly enjoyable. What’s more, its health benefits are well-documented; for your mind, body and spirit.
I’ve read of highly stressed writers, for example, producing absolute gold ‘only after masturbating (er, this doesn’t work in an open plan office). And this isn’t unusual; you see, “flicking the bean” reduces stress and PMS and is even said to help combat chronic back pain. Indeed, it’s an act of self-love and self-care which will release a flood of happy endorphins, help you sleep better and strengthen your all-important pelvic floor muscles, which will, in turn, only boost your sexual enjoyment.
Then there’s the significant benefits that self-pleasure can bring to your sex life, says Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being.
Dr Mars, who is a guest at the Future of Sex Forum in Sydney on May 6, also recently set up private practice, where’s she finding masturbation to be a hot topic among some clients. What’s more, she says women’s self-pleasure is still seriously frowned upon among certain sections of the community.
“Masturbation is still taboo for women; it’s much more socially acceptable for men than women, I think. Men are allowed to have these sex drives that are claimed to compel them to do things that are beyond their control, whereas women are still supposed to have the moral high ground and have control over their sexual urges,” Dr Mars says.
“And that’s a really archaic view; the whole idea that women don’t have strong sexual desires like men is something I totally disagree with. We should definitely be encouraging young girls and women to explore their sexuality themselves because if you don’t know what turns you on, how can you tell somebody else and this then puts undue pressure on your partner.
“At the turn of the century, they realised that women’s ‘hysteria’ could be cured with an orgasm. Hysteria was another name for stress, anxiety or PMS – all those things which come naturally in life – and if a woman exhibited these symptoms, scientists and doctors were quick to prescribe an orgasm, but it was called ‘the job which no one wanted’.
“Not everyone can stimulate a woman to orgasm, not all men know how to do it, plus if someone’s stressed out, it can take a while to relax them in that way and get them to orgasm as well, so it could take up to half an hour. And that’s where the invention of vibrators came from.
“With my clients sometimes, I talk to them about the fact that in psychology they refer to masturbation as a form of ‘self-soothing’. Masturbation is something we all need to learn; a lot of us aren’t that good at it either, we have saggy pelvic floor muscles which don’t aid the whole process.”
So, how do we get masturbation-fit? Is it just about doing those damn pelvic floor exercises? “It’s about doing kegel work, yes, but there’s more to it than that too,” Dr Mars says.
“You should be able to tell the difference between a whole lot of muscles. If you think about the fact that the vagina and the anus are both O-shaped muscles – and think about all the different expressions you can make with your mouth – most people can’t tell the difference between left of anus, right of anus, front of anus, back of anus; pulling up their pelvic floor; or tensing up their vagina; or their penis and testicles at the front, so we’re actually mostly quite lazy with what we can do with those muscles.
“You have to be pretty fit and have really good control of your core/stomach muscles to be able to have good control of your pelvic floor muscles at all. I spend a lot of time in the first couple of weeks with a new client explaining to them how you can train those muscles to get a lot more out of them. It helps people have better sex; have more control of their orgasms and for men it helps them to learn how to orgasm without ejaculating.”
If you’ve never masturbated before, Dr Mars says it’s time to seek counselling to overcome whatever psychological trauma’s preventing you from doing so. “I’m also quite happy to teach people to masturbate, if they’re serious about it; I will start off quite gently, talking about getting a really little vibrator – the little bullet-sized ones are the ones I usually tell people to go and try because they’re very effective and direct,” she says.
Dr Mars’s other top tip is to seriously relax, ladies. “When people are trying to orgasm and they can’t, they often stress up and tighten up too much and then they keep trying and trying and trying and then they give up because they’re kind of exhausted. So it’s important to tense up and then relax.”
So, ladies, light some candles, slip into something comfortable, have a glass of wine – maybe even seek some inspiration from the awesome foursome on Sex and the City, such as sexy Samantha (pictured), who quips in one episode: “I masturbated all afternoon” – and go forth and enjoy yourselves. Or, as Dr Mars quips: “Set aside some ‘me time’ to wank.”
“Say: ‘Don’t disturb me. I’m having some me time!’” she says. “Just remember, if you’re really tired and stressed out, it takes longer. But if you can actually masturbate to orgasm, you’ll feel better from the stress-relief.
“But you don’t always have to masturbate to orgasm and sometimes, if you haven’t masturbated before and you don’t orgasm easily, the fact that you haven’t masturbated to orgasm isn’t a failure. It’s just practise; and if you practise anything enough times, you’ll have a good result.
“If you take the pressure off yourself when you’re masturbating to achieve an orgasm, and just appreciate the fact that you’ve actually taken the time to stimulate yourself and have a little bit of sexual pleasure, you won’t feel like a failure – especially if you’re busy and tired and you’ve got young kids, your sex life can go out the window. It’s really hard to orgasm when you’re exhausted.”
Meanwhile, Adult Match Maker spokeswoman Pauline Moran (pictured) says International Masturbation Month is a great initiative because it takes the shame out of self-pleasure.
Adult Match Maker – Australia’s largest online adult dating site – is celebrating the occasion by pointing to an event on its Facebook page. “Masturbation Month gives people permission to talk about self-love and helps remove the stigma which is sometimes attached to what should be a very natural and healthy activity,” Pauline says.
“Masturbation should be part of everyone’s sex life. It’s one of those taboo topics that people don’t always talk about, because heaven forbid our friends should think we’re not completely shagged out by our partner.
“Sex and the City was really the ground breaker because millions of women worldwide watched Charlotte’s Rabbit Vibrator become even more coveted than Carrie’s Manolos. This one episode made a taboo subject acceptable lunch conversation!”
And Pauline agrees that research conclusively shows masturbation boosts our mental, emotional and physical health. “Masturbation is important for a number of reasons,” she says.
“Research shows that people who masturbate regularly generally have happier marriages and lives. And let’s face it, if you know what turns you on then you can share those techniques with your partner/s and improve your sex life overall. And, other than a little chafing, there are no known side effects. We think everyone should get on-board and show themselves some love throughout May.”
So, there you have it ladies, all the handy hints – pardon the pun – you’ll ever need for masturbation 101.
What do you think? Is masturbation still taboo for women?
Images via healthmeup.com, 21stcenturygossip.wordpress.com and stepupyoursexlife.com
I was recently told that people should forget about being a better tennis player or golfer and concentrate on being better lovers. It made a lot of sense – people are forever complaining about their sex lives, but the overall consensus is that it will somehow take care of itself. In reality, how can it?
Many couples have a 12 month, 5 or 10 year plan of things they want to achieve – things like education, career, home, family, kids and fiance. Yet sex, which we all recognise as being a basic human need, is the one element of our lives we leave to chance.
When you stop and think and about it, it’s quite bizarre, isn’t it? Just like with everything else couples want to accomplish, a better sex life should be an essential goal.
The key to an exhilarating sex life relies heavily on the physical connection – this basically takes care of everything else. During the honeymoon phase (when sex is awesome) the connection experienced by most people is primarily physical. Understandably this is where the concentration of energy is, in bedroom bliss!
As time passes, other forms of intimacy grow and therefore the physical concentration isn’t as dense. Your energies are essentially divided as other factors are introduced or take over. It can be stress, kids, parents, finance, or whatever demands your attention.
Having a Better Sex Life
Reinstating a passionate physical connection won’t be easy – nothing worthwhile ever is! Life will throw it’s challenges at you and sustaining the passion long-term is a challenge many of us experience. Unfortunately, that spark won’t ignite itself and magically appear either.
Talk together about what you want your sex life to resemble, similar to what couples do every day about every other topic. Include elements of quantity and quality and set an action plan in place and make it happen. Here’s a few suggestions to make a start:
- Make sex a priority – the more sex you have the more you’ll want.
- Schedule sex into your day or week (depending on your preference).
- Make alone time a priority. If you have young kids, make sure they got to bed early so you can have that time alone together. It will be good for you and for them.
- If other stresses like finance have become a focus, you’ll need to address them. Often people worry and don’t act. When you have an action plan, this often reduces the stress and lifts the libido. Plus solves a few issues in the meantime.
- Be physically intimate outside the bedroom. Hold hands, touch, caress, kiss, hug, and when the day is done, sit together not apart.
- Try new things, new places, new toys and keep your sex life interesting. No one wants to sustain an activity which bores them.
- Laugh together and try to make your sex life fun.
- Create a sexual bucket list.
- Set new sex related goals for one another or each other.
- Make foreplay a priority.
- Avoid criticism of sexual performance. This will sever your emotional and physical connection.
- If either of you is experiencing low libido or other sex related issues, talk openly about it. This is where many sexual problems start. Follow up with a GP if necessary and any referrals.
- Tell your partner you love them at least once a day.
Of course having a better sex life comes down to far more than a physical connection. However, for most couples, it’s an essential place to start. Once it’s re-established, everything else sex related can, and often, will fall into place.
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Erotic erogenous zones are particular places on the body which ultimately make our toes curl. Many articles cite either male or female erotic erogenous zones but knowing both is essential for satisfying love making.
You should know your own so you can direct a lover and in return have a much better sexual experience. Plus to be a better lover you’ll also need knowledge of where their hot spots are. That makes sense yeah? We all want a much better overall sexual experience so this knowledge is key.
Now people do differ. Some may have a fetish about where they prefer to be touched, stroked, caressed, kissed, licked, bitten or sucked (have I left anything out?). Plus there are some places which are a turn off. Knowing your lover is important, however there are areas of each body, both male and female, which are a good place to start.
Two types of erogenous zones
Now there two types of erogenous zones and they depend largely on skin type. Non-specific zones have been identified in areas such as the sides and back of the neck, the armpit and along the sides of the chest. Sensation in these areas can often feel like a tickle but it can be quite enjoyable.
Specific zones on the other hand have skin with nerve endings closer to the surface. They can be found in regions of the body around orifices. This includes the nostrils, lips, mouth, eyelids, ears, genital area and anus. The nipples are also associated. These areas are connected to our brains inner reward system. This is why they are exceptionally sensitive when touched and often provide a sexual response.
So lets take a closer look at some regions of the body known to be erotic erogenous zones:
The head’s erotic erogenous zones
Many people love having fingers run through their hair or their scalp massaged. As the nerve endings are so close to the brain it provides a sense of relaxation and enjoyment. Whether or not it is a sexual response depends highly on the individual and the circumstances.
Many things can stimulate the ears. This includes whispering, breathing, licking, biting, caressing or kissing. The area behind the earlobe is said to be the most effective. However personal preference always comes into play.
Some people like the feeling of having their eye-ball licked or eyelid kissed. Remember the skin around an orifice is more sensitive? The thought puts many people off. For those who have tried it, a number report it’s sensational.
It comes as no surprise that kissing or licking the lips and tongue are especially sensitive and a popular erotic erogenous zone. The tongue is noted as the most sensitive part of the human body.
The neck and throat regions are also popular hot spots for men and women. The collar bone, back and sides of the neck are all popular places to lick, kiss, bite and caress. Sometimes heavy breathing will do the trick!
Erotic Erogenous Zones Of The Torso
The areola and nipple are popular regions for both sexes. They can be stroked, caressed, rubbed, licked, kissed or bitten. Both sexes respond well to either firm or light touch of the breast region, including the sides of the breast. The type of touch can often change the sensation and the response.
Now this area is really interesting. Madonna told reporters back in 1985 that when a finger entered her navel (belly button) she distinctly felt a nerve sweep through her entire body. Others have had a similar experience and some have reported a direct link to their genitals. Who would have though a belly button could be such a hot spot?
For the rest of us the area between the navel and genitals particularity when licked with the tip of the tongue is the main erotic erogenous zone here.
Located directly above the anus lies another erogenous zone. People claim they really enjoy the sensation of being touched, licked or kissed.
The bottom and anus
Again the type of touch seems to be the ticket here at the bottom. Either firm gripping, smacking, hitting or even whipping can turn people on. Very light touch is also recommended. While many people like their bottom being touched, it’s not overly mentioned as an erotic erogenous zone.
The rectum or anus on the other hand has been thoroughly discussed. For men, inserting a finger into the rectum to locate and massage the prostrate gland can be a big turn on. IF they let anyone get close! For many heterosexual men this area is totally off-limits. So even though it’s an erotic erogenous zone many men would prefer their rectum untouched.
Women too experience sexual sensation in the rectum. Once again however this region is highly dependent upon personal preference.
Genital erotic erogenous zones
Interestingly and despite popular belief, the vagina as a whole isn’t actually an erotic erogenous zone. I bet you didn’t know that! It’s the vulva and clitoris as well as the region closest to the vaginal entrance called the anterior wall which have more nerve endings and responds sexually.
Along the anterior wall sits the urethral sponge. This fills with blood upon arousal. It’s suggested this might be where the elusive G-spot can be found but no-one knows for sure where it is of if it even exists. Regarding if it’s an erotic erogenous zone, some women find sensation here irresistible while other say it’s irritating. This is why knowing an individual’s erogenous zones is so important.
A man’s penis and scrotum as a whole is easier to identify as a primary erotic erogenous zone. Stimulation occurs when touching particular areas of the glans (head), penis shaft, foreskin, scrotum and the perineum (skin between the scrotum and anus). There does appear to be some variation to sensation which occurs after circumcision.
The prostate gland can be stimulated from the outside, rather than via the rectum, by applying pressure to the base of the perineum near the anus.
Erotic erogenous zones of the limbs
Areas of the arms with the most sensitivity have the softer less exposed skin. This includes the inner arm, the inside of the elbow where the arm bends and the armpit. Pheromones located under the armpit can be an exceptionally erotic erogenous zone for some people.
Hands and fingers
When very lightly touched, caressed, licked or kissed the fingers and hands may provide a sexual response. Very firm holding of hands can do it too. The sensation depends greatly on the type of touch experienced and the specific area.
Fingertips are considered the second-most sensitive parts of the body. This is possibly why finger sucking is popular.
The inner thigh is the most sensitive part of this region as well as light touch on the back of the legs and knees for some people. Once again light or firm sensations work best.
Feet and toes
This part of the body is greatly dependent on the individual. Some people are very ticklish or don’t like the visual and thought of feet. They certainly wouldn’t consider this region a turn on at all.
It’s worth noting that the amount of nerve ends in the feet have a strong connection with the brain. For those who don’t mind feet and toes, they enjoy the sensation of a nice firm foot rub or their toes being sucked and licked. For some the sensation is similar to genital stimulation.
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Women often have sex without an orgasm – instead they enjoy the closeness, being touched and the experience of initial penetration. Regardless of how good this may feel, these things don’t come close to the enjoyment of the big O. Plus non-orgasmic sex essentially misses the chemical release associated with an orgasm, which can often leave women feeling frustrated.
While many women think this is totally normal and just put up with it, it really doesn’t need to be this way. Women can and should reach a point where they can orgasm every time. With a little self-discovery and self-reflection, this article will explain how it can be done. And it’s not one particular thing women can do, but several things combined.
What’s stopping you?
Firstly, women need to figure out what’s preventing their orgasm: Is it because their lover finishes, are they distracted, is their mind wandering off, are they concerned about how they look, do they know how to orgasm or could it be a medical or psychological issue? Whatever the cause things can be rectified so satisfying orgasmic sex is had every time.
Get your partner to slow down
Another publication I read recommended speeding up the process of a female orgasm. Why? It’s not a damn race to an imaginary orgasmic finish line! Men who ejaculate quickly can learn to hold off and wait for their partner to climax with a little practice. Plus there are medications available which help.
The best way to get your lover to slow down is to communicate. Tell them that you need more foreplay and hold off intercourse until you are ready. Foreplay prepares the body for orgasm. So if you are one of those poor souls missing out, you need to reflect on the foreplay you’re not having. If you are engaging in intercourse before you’re ready, there’s no way your body will achieve it.
People aren’t mind readers, so you need to tell your lover what works for you. If you like to have your ear nibbled on, tell them. Don’t assume that because you do it to them that they will get the hint. Be directive. But not like a school teacher – unless that’s what they like. Be seductive in the way that you let them know what gets your juices flowing.
Be in the moment
Researchers call the brain the largest sex organ for a reason. If your mind wanders off and you find yourself thinking about anything other than what’s happening between you and your lover, your chance of orgasm drastically reduces. Instead, use your brain to help you orgasm. Fantasise while having sex – the dirtier the better really.
Don’t feel embarrassed about your fantasies either. Your brain is a private oasis. Besides, if you did tell your partner what it is your thinking, they’d secretly love it (unless it’s about someone else). This is also how men can hold off ejaculation. They can concentrate on something other than sex and this reduces their potential to climax. Some people have a go-to thought that either helps or hinders the situation.
Be in charge of your orgasm
Loads of people believe it’s their lover’s job to make them climax. That’s rubbish! We all need to take responsibility and take charge of our own orgasms. Work out what turns you on and what doesn’t and discover what positions work for you. Women who have masturbated are more likely to orgasm because one, they know they can do it; and two, they know how it’s done. Either figure it out with your lover or by yourself.
If by some chance you can’t reach orgasm through masturbation or intercourse, you may have a condition which is preventing it. Female orgasmic dysfunction isn’t uncommon for women to experience, but if you think you may be suffering, head to a GP who can then refer you to a specialist. It may be physical or psychological but professionals can work with you to achieve the type of sexual satisfaction you deserve.
Use sex toys
Sex toys can really help women orgasm. So find one which will help you and use it on your own or with your lover (they are still called marital aids for a reason). There are always new ones on the market and some can improve the experience of intercourse substantially for both of you.
It’s totally understandable that women can’t reach orgasm when they are distracted by external forces such as babies waking up. If this is the problem initially, sort out some distraction free time. It might be getting the bub looked after, spending the night in a hotel or some other method of removing the distraction.
To orgasm every time, gradually increase exposure to the distraction and work toward achieving orgasm when it’s there. It can be done, and after a time the distraction won’t have a negative effect. This is called exposure therapy and psychologists use it successfully all the time.
Self-pressure on appearance or orgasm
If self-pressure on appearance is an issue, rest assured it will be the furthest thing from your lover’s mind. They want you – all of you! It may pay to work on your body image out of the bedroom to stop it affecting you in the bedroom.
If pressure to orgasm is the problem, you need to relax. Be in the now, fantasise and most importantly don’t try so hard. Experience the sensation of touch and enjoy it. Let your mind wander from the pressure to the pleasure you are experiencing. Another way to reduce the pressure is to start with longer love-making sessions that involve erotic massage. This will relax the body and encourage you to orgasm naturally.
Anticipate pleasure and orgasm
Finally, when most men have sex they anticipate pleasure and orgasm. They enjoy the experience for what it is and allow themselves to be completely engulfed in it. Most are not thinking about having to go to work and they certainly aren’t distracted by babies in the next room. Instead, they are in the here and now wanting their lover and looking forward to the experience of an orgasm. If women follow their lead, they should be able to reach a stage when they too can orgasm every time.
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If you have a pair of handcuffs and looking to spice up your sex life, we have 4 creative & sexy ideas for sex with handcuffs! They are fast becoming a default sex toy for couples. The issue with such widespread use is that couples have probably role played them to death in the bedroom.
There are only so many times you can be cuffed to a bed post before it gets a little stale. Coming up with something new and exciting might be a bit tricky. Maybe that’s why bondage and sales of bondage toys are on the rise? (Hmmm… that’s another conversation.) Anyway, assuming the bedroom has probably been fully explored, lets consider the rest of the house and see if we can come up with something new for you.
Look but don’t touch
Now the bathroom usually has a towel rack or something similar. So do kitchens. Handcuff both hands together and tease your partner while you take a seductive shower, do a strip tease or masturbate in front of him. Being cuffed to the wall will ensure they look, but don’t touch. This one will drive him absolutely crazy because men are so visual. When you’re ready, un-cuff him and let him join in.
Behind the door
Some doors have coat racks or something similar attached to hang items. Why not make that item your partner! Put both hands in cuffs and slide the center links over the door. Depending on their height it might be a bit of a stretch, so women can be hoisted up onto their partner, arms in the air, and he can take control. It can be done either facing toward or away from the door. The door behind you will provide resistance and some support. Alternately use the door nob if the hanger is just too high. It won’t have the same effect but it will provide another experience.
If you want to try the hanger, you can get portable versions which are held in place when the door shuts. If you want to add to the excitement, why not hook one over the front door and hope someone comes knocking.
If you have stairs and a pair of handcuffs you’re in luck, providing they reach around the area you’re being cuffed to. Get your man to cuff you to the stairs while you kneel on the steps. If they aren’t carpeted, improvise so you don’t end up with scuffed knees. One hand will need to be free for you to balance. When he’s ready, he can enter from behind. If you wear a skirt or dress without underwear, he won’t be able to resist for long, particularly if you tease him!
Sex in the shower/bath/spa
Some handcuffs have been made with suction cups especially for use in water or resistance against most porous surfaces including tile, glass, cars and even wood. They resist any pulling or struggling and can be placed around the wrist or ankles.
If you want to give these a try, get your partner to position you exactly where they want you or vice-versa. The suction actually makes it safer to have sex in the shower, bath or spa, plus gives you both something a little extra to hold onto. As they can be used on many different surfaces, why not try attaching to the fridge or maybe the washing machine while it’s vibrating. Get creative and don’t forget car bonnets, widows, doors and anything else you discover works.
Lastly, don’t forget the portability of the humble handcuff. If you want to take these outside or even out in public (providing you don’t get caught!) it will give you another experience. Don’t just limit sex with handcuffs to the bedroom, explore and get creative!
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For many women vaginal intercourse isn’t the orgasmic experience they crave, according to Elisabeth Lloyd, American philosopher of biology and author of The Case of the Female Orgasm. After analyzing 33 studies conducted over the past 80 years, Lloyd discovered that only 25 percent of women regularly experience orgasm during vaginal intercourse and half “sometimes” get there. Then there’s roughly 20 percent who rarely experience it and another 5 percent who miss out all together.
What’s more, achieving orgasm seemed unrelated to the duration of intercourse (how long her partner lasts), penis size or emotions connected to their partners. Therefore, it’s safe to say that actually achieving orgasm during vaginal intercourse can be a bit of a hit and miss experience. The question is, why? Or more importantly what can women do about it?
It seems to boil down to simple biology. The location of the clitoris is outside the vagina. It lies within the top area of the vaginal lips and penile stimulation inside the vagina usually doesn’t touch it. Although vaginal orgasm is possible without clitoral stimulation, most women find this difficult.
Another significant way which women miss out on achieving orgasm, is skimping on foreplay. If duration of intercourse doesn’t seem to relate to the low account of female orgasm, duration and quality of foreplay is a major possibility. This ultimately readies the body to experience pleasure. Women’s bodies take longer to prepare them for orgasm than healthy men and this factor maybe where women are missing out. Most men can arouse easily and take little time to orgasm. Women, on the other hand need more encouragement.
This might have to do with conditioning. Like anything in life, the more we do something the quicker and more efficient we become. Most teenaged boys masturbate, therefore, by the time they reach manhood, most can achieve an erection and experience orgasm within minutes. For some men, foreplay can be an unnecessary distraction which can lead to premature ejaculation. If they spend too much time on foreplay they probably won’t last very long during intercourse. Some men therefore limit the amount of foreplay so intercourse is prolonged. Make sense?
There’s no changing biology (well there is but that’s a different conversation!) and some sexual positions are better for women to achieve orgasm, like straddling her partner. The women on top is popular for this reason, because she can control the areas being stimulated. Plus, women can grind, which will stimulate the clitoris while her man thrusts.
The only problem with this is that it can get boring repeating the same position over and over again. Being the primary way many women achieve orgasm, regularly changing positions can deter bedroom boredom, assist the duration of intercourse and women can “finish” on top.
Another way to make orgasm more achievable is through masturbation. Women can achieve a similar level of stimulation, to that of their partners, by practicing. If it seems to take an eternity to achieve orgasm, masturbating might help.
Women can use visual or auditory imagery during masturbation, much like men. Self-exploration maybe what’s required to discover what’s hot and what’s not! Using the imagery during foreplay can prepare the body faster and make orgasm more achievable during vaginal intercourse.
Lastly, a women can help condition her man to last longer. This can be achieved by taking a break during foreplay, switching positions or getting him to think about other things during foreplay and intercourse.
Work together to find solutions and on achieving a happy medium. Remember, your man isn’t responsible for your orgasm. You are! Women can practice to orgasm more efficiently and men can practice to orgasm less efficiently. This is what happens naturally as a man ages and possibly why it’s recommended that sex can and often does get better!
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