Woody Gets Hard At Work In The Bachelor Season 3 Premiere

Ah, another season of The Bachelor Australia: isn’t it the best?! Is this how die-hard sport fans feel at the start of a new season?

RELATED: The Bachelor’s Achy Blakey Scandal

I frigging love this show. I can’t get enough of the blood sport that is watching 19 young women willingly cut themselves off from the outside world, then be shut away into a hellish, hormone-laden prison – sorry, a lush mansion – where their every move is caught on camera and they must compete for the affections of one man.

And the man in question? Sam Wood: a Bachelor-worthy himbo who’s displayed all the emotional intelligence of a pot plant thus far, and who has the requisite reality dating TV show’s muscle-bound torso and seemingly one-dimensional character.

However, never fear, ladies – this season three Bachelor does come armed with special gifts: no.1 he’s not a real estate agent and/or stripper aka last season’s most hated man in Australia Blake Garvey (phew) and he does in fact work with children (cue house of horrors inhabitants’ collective, in-sync ovulation); he has a lush head of hair styled in an appalling Ray Martin-esque hair helmet only rivalled by that of The Bachelor Australia host Osher Günsberg’s luxuriant locks; and can we all just take a minute to praise Network Ten here for giving us a bachelor named Sam Wood? What an awesome name for our bachie?! There are endless “wood” puns to be had with his name and so let’s call him “Woody” here, henceforth, for short.

dating, reality TV, The Bachelor Australia, Sam Wood

And for the record, I’ve got my money – for the win – on the first girl to croon to him: “Do I make you hard, Woody? Do I? ” Heaven.

If you were unfortunate enough to miss the scintillating, titillating and ground-breaking TV that was The Bachelor Australia episodes one and two last week, I’m going to recap some highlights for you here.

First up, the Bachelor’s shiny, new 19 girlfriends arrived in various states of undress, sorry cocktail dresses, at last Wednesday night’s premiere, oozing sex appeal, plastic fantastic, understandable nerves and some pure batshit-crazy behaviour and verbal diarrhoea gold previously unseen on national TV.

Cue many of them declaring Woody is the most fabulous walking hairpiece, sorry man, they’ve ever met approximately five seconds after meeting him, and excited squeals aplenty about his alleged tall, dark and handsome good looks and much estrogen-fuelled talk of early “connections”. Yawn. Deprive 19 attention-starved women of company with the opposite sex and you could probably present a monkey in a tuxedo and some of them would still declare he was a great catch.

Early frontrunners for Woody’s wood include the very gorgeous Snezana, who he seems enamoured with, but unfortunately may as well go home now because not only can Woody not pronounce her name, he is entirely aghast over the fact she is a mother and has dared to procreate outside of his harem; the very pretty and allegedly “career-driven” events manager Sarah who impressed our Bachelor with her ability to do the “downward dog” and “warrior one” basic yoga poses while dressed in a glorious tight, white evening frock; and the “hectically cool” hipster-dudess and possible Woody favourite Heather (pictured), who tries really hard to be nonchalant about the fact she’s joined the freak-fest that is The Bachelor, complete with constantly calling Woody “dude.”

dating, reality TV, The Bachelor Australia, Sam Wood

Conversely, ladies are on the outer edge, who are hopefully due to be sent packing in the limo anytime soon, include vet Laura, aka “Anal Glands,” who launches into the most heinous, unending, nervous monologue about the ghastly mess involved in expressing a dog’s anal glands three seconds after meeting poor, ol Woody; Jacinda, a funny and slightly unhinged lass who seems perpetually on the brink of emotional breakdown; and Sandra, who’s this season’s resident, full-blown passive-aggressive crazy, who – god help our national education system – allegedly also works as a primary school teacher. The vast and infinite horror!?

If my children were anywhere near this chick in real life, I’d seriously call the cops, because she is on a strange and tortured inner-trip, let me tell you! After picking a fight with poor, old confused Reshael, who somehow maintained dignity in the face of a Lord of the Flies-esque house brawl, Sandra then quickly makes enemies with every other contestant on the show by being her bizarre, outlandish, extroverted and deranged self. Has she spent too long with minors and forgotten how to act with maturity and self-respect? Well played, Network Ten producers, well played. Like last season’s resident crazy, Amber, Sandra is actually inevitably due to stick around until the bitter end just so she can cause a multitude of tears, tantrums and dramas in the mansion of misery.

Finally, after a lot of alcoholic beverages and extreme side-eye action, Sarah (pictured) gets an early red rose, Heather gets the early “wild card” white rose first, which gives her the “amazing power” (cue sarcasm font) to ask Woody out on a date, and the entire season three harem is herded for a rose ceremony. At this point, I started to like Woody a tad more after he sends an intense, plastic-fantastic Barbie lookalike called Zilda who “really, really wants kids” home, along with Jessica, whom I can’t recall doing anything of note. Of course, Anal Glands remains, so Woody is either into that shit, literally, or he’s blocked the horror of it all.

dating, reality TV, The Bachelor Australia, Sam Wood

Episode two then gets hurriedly underway when Sarah wins the “pleasure” of being Woody’s first one-on-one date, while the other contestants busily set about crafting voodoo dolls in her likeness while watching she and Sam sail away aboard a giant yacht. Sars has, guffaw, unfortunately chosen to wear the world’s tiniest belt, sorry skirt, on her date and so spends most of the date looking genuinely terrified, whether this is due to her deep-seated fear of boating, the wild seas, her straightened hair getting messy and/or her flashing her vagina on national TV, I can’t be sure.

Of course, Woody takes this opportunity to grunt a lot and speak in monosyllables, press his body close to hers, display a total lack of empathy and emotional intelligence by saying Sarah is “loving it” and impress upon his poor, frightened date his extreme love of boating, which probably means he owns a tinnie in real life.

Back to the mansion of misery, where the remaining contestants are then forced to compete for Woody’s attentions and endure some sort of movie-themed group date horror with Woman’s Day, whose editor looks like she wants to stab herself, with this season’s best pursed-lips cat’s bum expression thus far.

And things are now getting far from “hectically cool” for hipster-dudess and Bachelor frontrunner Heather, whose cute description on what it would be like to meet the love of her life in Ep1 is now coming back to haunt her big time as she seemingly finally realises she is trapped in the midst of a TV dating reality show where she has to endure watching hordes of other women making out with Woody. “The horror! The horror!” she seemed to be thinking, all ingénue wide eyes.

And Heather is far from alone on this naiveté: her main rival, the delectable and uppity Laurina-wannabe (see season 2) Emily Simms (pictured) was, quite rightly, a tad peeved at being asked to strip down to her undies, with half her tiny, toned arse hanging out on national TV, for a bizarre Ghost-themed, pottery-wheel nudity grab. And next up, Jacinda loses the plot, causing all cameras to collectively turn to point at her to document her meltdown, with her practically in the foetal position, crumbling under the pressure of being a pawn in the Playboy Mansion-esque showdown.

dating, reality TV, The Bachelor Australia, Sam Wood

I want to scream at these girls: “Wake up and smell the roses (which most of you won’t get), ladies! You’ve signed your lives away to a TV network for the country’s sick, voyeuristic pleasure! None of what you’re doing, or being asked to do, is in any way normal!?”

I mean, imagine in life you’re, say, lucky enough to meet one or two or even three soul mates, and then you have to fight for their love alongside a score of other women, all documented on camera?! Who the hell signs up for this thing? And who wouldn’t go a bit mental themselves under these brutal and mind-f***ing conditions, while locked away in a mansion of misery? I actually feel more than a little sympathy for these young twits for putting themselves in such an unwinnable situation. Are they all sadomasochists? It’s humiliation galore – and don’t we TV watchers love it!

Osher and Woody are all sombre hair helmets at the episode two rose ceremony where poor, hapless Reshael is sent home, along with a faceless, blonde girl whom no one can recall speaking called Krystal and a lumberjack named Tessa, who distinguished herself by, yawn, being too cool for school by changing from her cocktail frock into casual gear, all in a wild, desperate bid to get Woody’s attention. Apparently, she didn’t er, fire up Woody’s engine. And yet, Anal Glands and mad, bad teacher Sandra (pictured) still remain. Why are they both still here?! Is he too scared to talk to them again?

dating, reality TV, The Bachelor Australia, Sam Wood

So, dear readers, some lingering, unanswered questions going into The Bachelor Australia episode three this Wednesday night: do any of the women, in fact, still have real jobs? Why are they on the world’s worst dating experiment? Who are the blatant star f***ers chasing their 15 minutes of fame? And what is the “epic scandal” Network Ten is promoting the hell out of prior to this episode’s airing? Did someone forget to do their brazilian wax? Eat a sandwich? Not pack 20,000 bikinis?! Stay tuned for yet more humiliation galore…

Images via Ten Play, Daily Mail, News.com.au, The Age

The Bachelor’s Happy Ending… Finally?

Blake Garvey, otherwise known to Australia as The Bachelor, has announced to the world that he is finally with his one true love – apparently. Garvey had proposed to Sam Frost in the last episode of the series before coming out and revealing that the pair were no longer together just 24 hours after the finale aired on Network 10.

We all know what followed. Even if we wanted to avoid it, it’s become almost impossible and the network have done a fantastic job at continuing the storyline despite the the actual series having now ended almost two weeks ago.

So what did we learn on The Project last night? Blake and Louise, one of the ladies booted off the show (in the second last episode to be exact), are happily in a loving and committed relationship with each other… since Saturday. Yep, Saturday, as in three days ago. Sounds legit, right?

RELATED: The Bachelor’s Achy Blakey Scandal

If we didn’t already have our reservations about playboy Blake (via the naughty party pics that have emerged of him as a topless waiter), you’d have to question the fact that this guy proposed to one girl while having “feelings” for another.

And then the first bombshell – Louise points out that Garvey actually wrote her “a very beautiful, very heartfelt letter” that she had received BEFORE the finale. Hmmm…

Louise also pointed out that she believed Blake had been “protecting me by sending me home”. Sorry Louise, that’s not quite how the show works.

Regardless of all that, Louise says, “It feels right… I need to trust in his word”. Well, Sam trusted his word, too. But we all know how that ended.

The pair will now get on with their lives, posing for Woman’s Day, which had followed them to Thailand for the exclusive images, and maybe we can focus on something else for a while – like Big Brother’s plummeting ratings.

But no, not yet. Because tomorrow the jilted ladies, Lisa and Sam, get their say on the matter and The Project gave us just enough for a teaser: “That is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard in my life” – thanks Sam. Me too.

Sam Frost Steps Out Solo For Agent Provocateur Launch

The Bachelor’s Sam Frost stepped out for her first public engagement this week post Blake. Hitting the red carpet solo for Agent Provocateur’s Fatale fragrance launch at the Carousel Bar of the X Studio, the pretty blonde wore a textured voluminous skirt by Mossman Clothing paired with her own vintage top.

Samantha Frost, Agent Provocateur, The Bachelor

Mingling with Sydney beauty bloggers and socialites, Sam looked relaxed as she tested out Agent Provocateur’s new fragrances: Fatale and Fatale Pink.

Inspired by the infamous sirens that graced the glamorous Hollywood Age, Fatale and Fatale Pink are sexy, sweet florals that fit perfectly with the brands’ Lingerie heritage.

Think notes of pink pepper, black currant and gardenia with seductive vanilla and musk. (Fatale pink starts with accords of tangerine and pear blossom). 

Fellow guest Imogen Anthony had fun with the femme fatale theme, channeling cat woman in her Felicienne Corset Dress by Misha Collection and fab feline headpiece.

Samantha Frost, Agent Provocateur, The Bachelor

Guests were treated to a gourmet selection of canapés and truffles, Moet champagne, tunes from Peter Dolso and a live performance from Tiaan.

While Sam candidly admitted on the night to texting rumoured couple Blake and Louise, she revealed she had no response back.

“I’m a bit Bachelor-ed out at the moment but ask me again in six months,” she told The Project.

Judging from the popular reaction in the room it’s clear the break-out star of the Bachelor is perfectly poised to capitalise on her fame.

With a background in publishing, Allison Voight has written for numerous local and international fashion magazines. She also has her own style blog, StylistaSister. She is Creative Director at Voight Photography and Design, which she co-owns with her photographer husband. Their work has appeared in publications including Vogue Australia, Cielo, Elle, En Vie and Fashion TV. Catch her on Instagram at @stylistasister

The Bachelor’s Achy Blakey Scandal

I’m all agog, I am aghast: the “fairytale” that was The Bachelor has in fact turned into a heinous nightmare, after Network Ten confirmed today Blake Garvey and Sam Frost have in fact split.
As a shocked and outraged nation mourns the demise of Blake and Sam’s “relationship” and social media bays for Garvey’s blood, some background if you’re one of only a handful of people (including my husband) who boycotted the blood sport that was this year’s The Bachelor reality TV show.

Related: Why The Bachelor Is Bad For Your Relationship

So, to sum up: after 10 weeks of dates, dramas and dirty street pies, tall, dark handsome Perth auctioneer Blake – whom I always found extremely beige in personality and emotionally vacant – got to pash and fondle; humiliate in various degrading circumstances; and force some 30 women to declare their undying love for him at a Sydney prison, sorry mansion, for the nation’s vast amusement, entertainment and schadenfreude.

And of the 30 women, six were “intruders” sent in for the producers’ and ours’ collective enjoyment, only to be quickly voted off over the course of a few episodes. Blake then whittled the remaining women down to the top four of Jessica, Louise, Lisa and Sam, with the latter the favourite from the start to win the heart of “Blake the Snake”.

Fast forward to last night’s thrilling The Bachelor final rose finale in South Africa, where only the eternally-smitten, aforementioned Sam, 25, and Lisa, 27, remained. Lisa, who had previously wisely held back on saying the “L-word”, unfortunately did end up confessing her undying love for Blake firstly to his aunty and mum (as you do) and then to him, only to be booted off the show at the final hour when Blake the Snake declared his one, true love was in fact Sam.

Of course, mere hours before Australia found out who the final “lucky” chosen one was on The Bachelor, the shit hit the fan and social media went nuts over the news that Network Ten had cancelled all Blake, Sam and Lisa’s media interviews today and in the lead-up to the finale.

Then, Twitter conspiracy theories peaked with the one about Blake fathering a baby with one of the previously rejected Bachelorettes (obvs not Sam).

Well, I can confirm SHE SAID readers that while there is no Bachelor baby (bugger), as I said above, you may need some counselling, wine and chocolate, for it is true that Blake and Sam are splitsville.

Today, Network Ten issued this curt presser, along with a caveat, “There will be no further comment at this time.”

“Network Ten can confirm that Blake and Sam have sadly ended their engagement. When Blake proposed to Sam in South Africa, he did so because he had genuinely fallen in love with her. He was excited to start a life with Sam and was very much looking forward to their future together.
Unfortunately, not all relationships are meant to be, and feelings invariably change. Once Blake returned to his everyday life, he realised that they both wanted different things from a relationship and had different priorities. Blake has the greatest love and respect for Sam, but has made the difficult decision to end the relationship.”

dating tips, The Bachelor, Blake Garvey
Well, bugger me!?

But wait, there’s more! Interestingly, Sam broke her silence, on her Twitter account @fro_001 earlier today, saying: “People need to stop asking why we broke up. Trust me, I’m just as in the dark as you all are.. Blake is the one calling all the shots here.”

So, what gives Blakey baby? If the poor dude hasn’t already fled overseas to avoid the lynch mob on social media, he may be in need of some bodyguards. And, speaking of Twitter, my favourite analysis of the situation has been from the very smart and funny Todd Sampson, @toddsampsonOz who said: “perhaps Sam realised she was dating a production company for the last 8 weeks not Blake. #TheBachelorAu.

So, what can we all learn from this debacle, aside from the fact that TV reality shows are, in fact, not based on reality? And that if you go on a TV reality show to find true love, you need your head read?!

On a more serious note, the sinister I’m-a-princess/life-is-a-fairytale myths perpetuated by such TV shows as The Bachelor, which are so hazardous to women’s emotional and mental well-being and relationships, are still alive and well in our society.

So, I don’t know about you, but I’ll be teaching my daughters to: beware of tall, dark and handsome auctioneers who appear too good to be true; never seek true love on a TV reality show and above all, to find their own man – to never allow a love interest to pash/fondle and confess his feelings to 29 of their closest friends in a secluded mansion cut off from the world. How is that ever OK?!

And one final thing: who gets to keep the bloody $58,000 Bunda diamond engagement ring?! Should it actually go to The Bachelor’s most dastardly, devious and evil producer?

What do you think?