“My wife accidentally left me a two-hour message of her lover talking shit about me.”
What’s she got that I don’t have?
I had no idea it existed until I was drowning in it.
I’m not gonna be my own enemy anymore.
Most of us have a mobile or cell phone at our disposal pretty much 24/7. So when we’re arguing with others regardless of who they are, it can be really tempting to carry it on via text.
Unlike verbal or face-to-face communication, digital communication is in a class of its own. There are real dangers of communicating using this medium particularly when the conversation is heated.
People need to be aware that although texts are super handy, there are also downsides to communicating this way particularly during an argument. Firstly, tech issues such as spellcheck can interject into a conversation. This can add fuel to the fire. Unfortunately the person on the other end won’t be aware the text they received was corrected. They will take it at face value and this can prolong an argument.
Then there’s the premature send. I’m sure most of us would have accidentally done this and it’s caused no harm. However when arguing via text we might rethink our words before sending. If this opportunity is missed we may send words we’d possibly delete before sending.
Additionally some texts may never get to a recipient, a phone may go flat or be turned off. This too can spark a texting war due to the lack of response. We can’t know for certain what’s happening so presumptions often heighten or even cause arguments. Therefore, we need to keep all this in mind which isn’t easy in the heat of the moment.
Another danger of arguing via text is the way we communicate. Although we may think our text messages are similar to the way we communicate in other ways, we need to be aware that isn’t always the case. For one text messages can easily be misinterpreted especially during an argument. This occurs because people search for the tone of the text.
This is done instinctively in traditional ways of communicating and while this is relatively straight forward, correctly identifying the tone of a text can leave plenty of room for error. For example, even a simple word like ok can mean various things when we add tone to our voice. Therefore when we argue via text the things we say can often be misconstrued. This is when things can get ugly!
There’s also the fact that people say things in texts which they wouldn’t say during other forms of communication. This is because they can’t physically see or hear a reaction. Someone can emotionally destroy another person with their words without really understanding how they’ve effected them.
Of course some idea can be gained by a response but it’s much easier to identify hurt feelings face-to-face or verbally. This is why some texts can get vicious or threatening. Without a clue to how the other person is reacting things can get quite server quite quickly.
So regardless of who is on the other end of a texting argument or whether a lack of response starts the initial fury, people should really refrain from arguing via text. While it maybe preferable to text someone a negative comment, it should be done face-to-face or via a phone call. That way there is less room for the downsides of digital technology to interject. Plus you’ll likely find the argument will be resolved much quicker.
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Break-ups can feel like a death, except there is no funeral to go to and no gravesite to visit. It’s sheer grief, despair, loneliness and isolation. Sound familiar? There’s no quick fix and there’s no one size fits all way to cope; but nevertheless, you need to find a way and move on.
Each person experiences grief differently. As long as it doesn’t affect your mental and physical health, do what you have done in the past when you have experienced a loss. For some, it will be the first time they have experienced this intense emotion. Check out this article on coping with grief for more information.
Give yourself time to heal. Rebound relationships might take your mind off your ex, but it will be extra baggage you may need to deal with. Plus, is it unfair to the person you choose to rebound to. There is no designated time limit on how long you need to give yourself, but if you’ve been in a long term relationship, be aware it will take some time to learn to adjust to life without them.
Distancing yourself from your ex is essential. Avoid going to places where they might be, calling or texting them or listening to saved voice messages. All this will add to your pain and prolong your ability to move on. Plus, this is initially how stalking can develop. Listening to music which reminds you of them or looking at photos might be something you choose to do as you grieve but long-term this can be really unhealthy.
If you have mutual friends, avoid asking about your ex. If they choose to discuss your ex and it’s making you uncomfortable; politely ask them to stop. It would be better for you to choose to associate with your friends, rather than mutual friends, in initial stages. If you want to retain a friendship with them ask them to give you some time while to work through the break-up.
Look after your health
People often pick up addictive behaviours after a bad break-up, such as drinking, drugs or gambling. Avoid trying to block the pain with substances or overeating, as this can quickly become an exceptionally unhealthy coping mechanism. Look for healthy alternatives to fill the void you are experiencing. Be aware of how you have coped with stress and pain previously. If it’s been unhealthy, catch yourself quickly.
At some stage after the break-up, you will begin to feel better. The tears will flow less, emotions around the break-up will dissipate and life without your ex will become normal. At this stage, you can look toward the future.
Instead of rushing into the arms of the next waiting stranger, take things nice and slow. Although sex makes us all feel great, it can have the opposite effect if you are still hooked on another person. Date on a casual basis and, if you find someone you’d like to get to know better, do that. Take sex off the table for a while and develop a friendship first. Really get to know if this person is right for you or if you are needing them to fill a void.
Even though the initial stages of a break-up are exceptionally painful and difficult, love is the greatest experience a person can have. Life will go on and a new type of normal will emerge. You never know, as one door closes, another one will open. This is the adventure of this thing we call living.