Are they really never (ever) getting back together?
If ‘the one’ is out there somewhere, don’t you want to find him?
Couples remain together for many reasons, but if you’re only hanging in there for the sake of the kids, you both need to rethink what you’re doing. I know firsthand just how difficult that decision can be because so many other factors come into play. You may worry if you’ll cope emotionally, physically or financially and if you’ve got what it takes to be a single parent. It is a really tough choice, especially when you have kids.
You may also wonder if the relationship is worth saving. If that’s the case then a brief separation may be all that’s needed. You’d be surprised how miraculous a little time apart can be for highly stressed relationships. Will this effect the kids? Absolutely, however if you work together you may find that brief time apart will actually save your family.
Then there are other couples who have tried everything to stay together. Yet, they know deep in their hearts that their relationship really is over. This is when people remain together specifically for the sake of the kids – and while it’s honorable, they may actually be doing more harm than good.
For one, they need to consider role modeling. By staying together in a loveless or unhappy relationship parents teach their children to do likewise. Therefore, it’s highly likely that their children will also endure unhappy or bad relationships as adults. Instead, it’s much more effective to teach them that separation is okay and that some families function better that way.
Another positive, which takes place after a separation, is that happy people experience far more emotional growth. The parents will find they begin to excel in their lives, whether it be further education, work, or even going on to have a far more happy relationship. This too encourages the children of the separation to move forward.
Health and well being may also improve due to less stress within a household. Regardless of whether a couple argues or not, stone cold silence is just as damaging. In these cases the tension is thick and children aren’t stupid. They know something isn’t right. It’s up to the parents to correct their environment and for some this means a split is essential.
Resentment is yet another factor to consider. People who experience this can begin to resent their partner or even their children. This occurs when they feel trapped in their situation. However, they aren’t trapped and in most cases enduring an unhappy relationship is their choice. The children certainly aren’t responsible for their misery and neither is their partner. This is despite reasons why a relationship sours.
So in closing, separation is a very big decision but unhappy parents need to consider all their options. They just might recognise that while there will be negatives, separation may actually be a better option for everyone. The key thing to remember is that kids are resilient and adjust to new situations, so it’s often the parents who’ll find the separation more difficult.
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Nursing a broken heart is awful stuff. It’s one of life’s most unpleasant experiences. There’s usually a lot of hurt, pain and sorrow involved. Plus there’s the possibility of all that anger and frustration people can feel when they are unable to reconcile or fix the situation.
Men and women tend to deal with break-ups a little differently. For one, men often suffer in silence and can behave like they aren’t all that affected. So it’s not uncommon for some men to hook up with an ex or a stranger and have themselves some steamy hot rebound sex. This isn’t necessarily because they are in less pain than their former partner. Men can really battle through break-ups. It’s simply a coping mechanism and it seems to alleviate some of the pain they are experiencing.
Rebound sex isn’t just a male thing, and more and more women are finding solace in someone else’s bed. And there’s nothing wrong with that – if clear boundaries are set. It can cause upset to their former partner, however, if they discover their ex has had rebound sex. This is understandable but it doesn’t imply they didn’t really love them.
Some people engage in it because it puts distance between the intimacy shared with their former significant other. They may have deeply loved their ex but they no longer want that physical connection because it hurts. They use rebound sex to achieve this objective.
Now you might be thinking, ‘No f*%#ing way! Isn’t this setting yourself up for a rebound romance? Won’t this only add to the pain?’ Women often confuse love and emotions surrounding sex and this is where the danger lies. Hence, many women stay well away from rebound sex because their fragile emotions contaminate the benefits.
However if emotions are kept in check, there are some real positives relating to rebound sex. This is according to Patricia Rich, a clinical social worker and sex therapist, and Dr Lisa Wade of the sociology department at Occidental College, California. They believe that using sex as a coping mechanism is a motivation that should not be discounted.
When people use rebound sex to soothe their broken heart it’s all about igniting the brain’s pleasure zone. This is often why women will turn to chocolate or ice cream in moments of despair. Comfort foods like these have a similar effect and primarily why people will seek them out. The benefit of rebound sex, however, is that instead of consuming calories, you can expel them!
Then there’s the added benefits of touch that chocolate or ice cream can’t provide. There’s been a heap of studies which reveal touch is a basic human need. For example, babies who don’t get touched can’t develop properly and, in some cases, this neglect has massive repercussions.
Therefore, it’s understandable that in times of deep despair people need to feel the sensation of another. This is primarily why we feel the need to hug someone if we can see they’re sad or down. Sex is the ultimate form of touch so this factor in rebound sex is important.
Of course, rebound sex isn’t for everyone. It’s important to remember people cope with life’s challenges in many different ways. Rebound sex is just one of them. So next time your heart is hurting and you’re looking to feel better, having rebound sex just maybe food for thought!
Ever had the break-up blues? You might wonder why on earth we’d make light of that but, when you think about it, it really is one of life’s most pathetic moments. It’s not a memory you want to savour, take photos and stick up on your Facebook page, now is it?
Then again some people put everything on social media. He’s dumped me. I’m crying. I’m listening to sad songs and crying. Oh, the pain! Seriously, no one wants to see that crap. Imagine your next job interview? They do ask for your social media links, these days. You didn’t know that? Well, you do now!
Having seen your last 50 Facebook statuses or hearing it via the gossip vine, friends and family may try to console and comfort you. What’s with that? You are miserable. It’s no secret. You certainly won’t be the best company. Why would anyone in their right mind want to spend time with someone who is miserable?
Bottom line: It makes them uncomfortable. They need you to feel good, so they can feel good. Basic social psychology, folks. You thought it was your selfish stage to mourn and grieve, right? No. It’s your friends and relatives selfish stage. They have the best of intentions, but they are usually blissfully unaware of what they are doing or why.
That won’t last long though. Miserable people repel others. You’ve been whinging, whining and totally obsessed with your broken heart and your ex. Ever time they try to change the subject, because you’ve driven them crazy, you change it right back. They need to get as far away from you as possible. NOW – before they crack!
This is when you’ve learned break-ups are best handled alone. You can begin to grieve without distraction. Instead of hiding tears when your friends suggest watching a comedy and something reminds you of your ex, you can ball your damn eyes out. You can avoid showering, eating right, maybe drink too much, avoid sunlight, ditch work, and generally make a complete and utter mess of yourself. Now, this here is your selfish stage!
Maybe this is what your well meaning friends and relies were trying to save you from. Yeah? No. Be 100 per cent, research assured, it was their needs they were tying to meet, but weren’t they useful while they were doing it? At least you didn’t smell bad.
This period of chaos only ceases when you’ve hit rock bottom and you are faced with two very distinct options. The first is to pick yourself up, right here and now and get on with living.
Then there’s option two. Your job will go if you neglect going to work, that’s a given. Then, you’ll have no money. Makes sense doesn’t it? Homelessness will then become a very real probability. That is, unless you can manage to convince one of those well meaning friends or relies to take you in so you can “lounge surf” until you’re ok.
The only thing is the stress of having no fixed address, no job, no money and, of course, no partner will be considered stressors, in psych terms, and provide ideal conditions to bring on an episode of mental illness. What? You don’t think this happens? You clearly haven’t spoken to any homeless men!
Yes, folks. This is the grim reality of the break up blues. Next time those “helpful” friends and relies come to the rescue; think back to option number two. Welcome them in. Thank all that is good and holy that they are selfish enough to want to come and save you!
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The course of true love doesn’t always run smoothly, and most couples encounter some relationship problems. Fortunately, many of these relationship issues can be solved with a bit of work. Most breakups can be blamed on a small set of conflicts, so here are three of the most common problems and how to fix relationships that are affected.
The problem: bad sex
When sex is good, it’s very, very good. Sex is one of the things that keeps a couple together, so when there are problems, they should be taken seriously. If your chemistry as a couple isn’t working, there are things you should try.
One is finding time for sex, even if it requires making an appointment and hiring a baby sitter. Too many couples let their sex life fall by the wayside as they build a family, but this is sure to lead to dissatisfaction on both sides. Make a few weekly “sex dates” and see if this puts the heat back in your sex life.
Another idea is to make lists of what turns each of you on—and trade them. You may be surprised to learn how creative your partner can be, plus get new ideas for having great sex!
The most important thing is not to ignore it and hope the situation will improve by itself. Open communication is key.
The problem: money
After sex, financial woes are the problem most likely to cause relationship issues. These are lean times for many people, and that can lead to tension within a relationship, especially if one of you is a “spender” and the other is a “saver.” Some couples find out after marriage that they have been raised with wildly conflicting ideas about money.
If you’re having financial problems, they won’t just go away because you hide the bills and try to ignore them. The two of you must sit down and take an honest, non-hostile look at your finances. This is not the time to lay blame, because it’s likely that both of you are partly responsible for your money problems.
You should calmly go over the entire situation—bills, debts, bank statements, savings, insurance, investments, pay stubs—and work out a budget. Allocate tasks: one person should be in charge of checking statements and paying the bills, and both should have a modest allowance that they don’t have to account for. If the situation is really dire, you should consider going into financial or debt counselling as a couple.
The problem: trust
If your relationship has been rocked by infidelity, you may not be able to repair the damage. In some cases, the loss of trust in too much of a betrayal to overcome, but there are things you can try in hopes of fixing the relationship. Both of you have to be committed to the idea that your love is worth saving.
If you are the one who was unfaithful, you must show by your actions that you can be trusted again. Don’t give your partner any more reason to doubt you. Always be on time, show respect for your partner and never, ever lie.
If you are the injured party, ask yourself if you can forgive your partner and move on to save the relationship. Avoid jealousy, and don’t throw the past up or overreact to every small slight. If you find that you’re unable to put the hurt behind you, then maybe the relationship can’t be saved.
How have you solved your relationship problems?