Sometimes you need to taste all the colors of the rainbow…
I’m a living, breathing, feeling woman. Not a robot.
Let’s stop making casual sex taboo, mmkay?
I pride myself on my self-confidence. Except when it comes to men.
So what if sex actually does mean something to me?
Sometimes you just want to get off, and get out.
Are we incapable of sleeping with someone without falling for them?
Preface: there’s nothing wrong with casual sex, so long as you’re both on the same page.
All pick up lines are lame, right? They’re sleazy, degrading and we assume that only the incredibly desperate respond. So why do some pick up lines actually work? Is it the line being used; is it the person using them, or is it something else?
Well ladies, it’s not necessarily the person delivering them – although that could make a difference. I’m sure if a famous eligible bachelor or bachelorette used a pick up line it really wouldn’t matter what they said, they’d probably still have some takers.
Still, it’s not all about the person. Ordinary people use pick up lines every day with some success and surprisingly it’s not just the desperate and dateless who respond. Many a fair maiden or handsome gent has been plucked from single obscurity by the use of a humble pick up line.
The mystery is though, how on earth does this happen? Well, in most cases it’s not the actual words people use as a way to start a conversation with a stranger. It’s far more than that. Much of it has to do with the delivery of the words being said. If it comes across alright, even if it’s stuttered or stammered from chronic nervousness, then you’re more than half way there.
So let’s talk about confidence – after all, it can be really tricky approaching a good looking stranger. Ironically, a touch of nervousness will win every time when compared with over-confidence. There’s nothing more sleazy than if the user of the pick up line believes they are God’s gift to the opposite sex.
Instead, the type of confidence needed to land a pick up line is quite different. To use them successfully people need to project a sense of who they are, what they want and most importantly they need to have conviction about what they say.
For example, if a man approaches a woman he won’t get very far if he states that she’s the most beautiful woman in the room if he doesn’t really mean it. It will come across in his body language that what he’s said is simply utter bullshit.
However, if a man approaches a woman and uses the same line but truly believes what he’s saying, it will be received much better. No matter how badly his pick up line sounds or if he’s fluffed his way through it, he will be far more likely to win the girl over.
Why is that? Well he’ll sound and behave in a far more sincere way. Additionally, his focus will be on her. He’ll want to listen to what she has to say, unlike the man who isn’t sincere. To this guy, it’s just a game of cat and mouse.
Instinctively the majority of us can recognise the difference, most of the time. However, as we all know sometimes our compass can be a bit off. So if someone uses a pick up line and it comes off sincere or even a bit funny, you might want to give the poor soul a chance. You never know how or where you will meet that special someone. It would be a shame if you turned them away because they used a pick up line as their initial contact. Maybe they’re super shy and not quite sure what to say.
Trust me when you hear it, you’ll know the difference!
Image via blog.mysillylife.net
You’ve been happily single, but sexually starved for what feels like forever – then, bam! You meet a partner who ignites your passion, excites your mind and, even better, he’s just as enamoured with you.
Indeed, your connection is so strong, you feel as though you’ve known each other for years and you can barely keep your hands off each other. In the age-old battle between vagina Vs brain: which should win? Should you have first-date sex or wait it out, lest he’s only interested in one thing?
For centuries, women’s sexuality has been strictly controlled, reined in and frowned upon. Young men are encouraged to “sew their wild oats”, while we women are instead traditionally taught to behave like ladies and learn to suppress and overrule our perfectly normal wanton desires, lest men view us as immoral and promiscuous.
Well, I say to the hell with that! I was always more team Samantha (pictured) than team Carrie in Sex and the City, with the much more neurotic latter famously never having first-date sex – until she met Mr. Big, that is. Samantha, by contrast, always seemed a lot happier.
And as Samantha once quipped, in reference to the archaic views in 1995 self-help dating book, The Rules: Time-tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right: “The women who wrote that book, they wrote it because they couldn’t get laid. So they constructed this whole bullshit theory to make women who can get laid feel bad.”
Amen! And that’s the thing, why should women alone bear shame for having first-date sex? Doesn’t it take two to tango?
I say don’t buy into the sexist bullshit that decrees women are somehow unworthy if you do decide to have sex on the first date. And I’m not saying leave your brain at home – always make sure it’s safe sex, in a secure situation, on your own terms – but let’s take the humiliation and indignity out of the equation.
Women who do have first-date sex are not sluts (oh, how I hate that word – where is the male equiavalent?!) and supposed “walk of shame” be damned! What’s more, if you do get busy on the first date with a new man, and he never calls you back the next day and/or goes AWOL, isn’t that a true blessing?
You’ve dodged a bullet, sister; he’s nowhere near good enough for you. Let him, and his backward, sexist views, not even be a tiny speck in your universe.
And here’s the big thing ladies: if you’re fortunate enough to meet the love of your life, does it really matter when you actually do the deed? I highly doubt it: if it’s the right person, it all falls into place, in the blink of an eye.
Confession time: My husband and I had sex on our third date, over a three-week period, and it was amazing. But I fancied the pants off him right away and would have happily had sex sooner, if circumstances permitted.
After a string of dating disasters, including a crazy stalker, I’d insisted on public dates with him for safety reasons and it wasn’t until our third date that I took him back to my place.
But even if we had have had first-date sex, I firmly believe we’d still be together to this day, seven years after meeting at a live music venue. I think we were always destined to get married and have babies, regardless of when we did the deed.
So, I believe if you set yourself a rigid set of dating rules – like only having sex on the third date, for example, you’re just cheating yourself out of a lot of laughs, good times, life lessons and a hell of a lot of orgasms.
I really think you have to judge when you have sex with a new partner on how you feel, at the time. So, maybe it’s really a case of heart + vagina overrules head?
Leading Australian sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein, herself a sexy, young singleton, agrees there shouldn’t be set rules when it comes to the exact right time to have sex with a new partner.
“I think you have to assess each situation and be aware of the consequences,” she says. “He may be testing you to see if you are relationship material ala the Madonna-whore complex. You might then find the relationship slipping into a booty call/casual hook-up rather than a relationship.
“And then another consequence of first-date sex might be the classic he-never-calls-you-back post-sex because he’s got what he wanted.
“It’s a difficult one – but you don’t want to be with a man who judges you. Just bear in mind some guys are really old-fashioned at heart and would be put off by a girl who was up for sex on the first date.”
But Dr Nikki is quick to point out that sometimes first-date sex can be magical and lead to a relationship, despite the supposed risks. “I’ve got friends who’ve waited and friends who are happily married who had sex on their very first date,” she says. “If it’s right – if there’s a real connection – it doesn’t really matter when you have sex.
“Sometimes, women can feel enough connection and spark that you want to have first-date sex.
“There is nothing wrong with a girl who feels comfortable enough in her own skin to have sex on the first date – as long as it’s for the right reasons and not as a self-esteem boost.
“Women are just as sexual (if not more) than men – it’s just that society encourages them to inhibit and hide their sexual desires.”
However, Dr Nikki also advises that sometimes sex can be even more mind-blowing after intimacy has been pre-established. “Sex is often better when it’s something to look forward to,” she says. “You could try establishing an emotional connection first – it’s a hard one – a balancing act.”
For more information on Dr Goldstein, visit drnikki.com.au.
What do you think? Does first-date sex blow your hair back?
Main image via www.stephanspeaks.com; secondary image via www.fanpop.com and cartoon via www.someecards.com. Other images supplied
Picture this: It’s holiday season, you’ve been happily single for a year now (by choice, obvs) as you’re far too busy being fabulous, successful and carefree to want a serious relationship just now, but you’ve developed an urgent need for some hot lovin’.
a) Invest in yet another vibrator (yawn)
b) Eat more chocolate cake (like, a lot more)
c) Take up kickboxing to vent your sexual frustration and/or
d) Contemplate a holiday romance, fling or casual sex encounter, whatever term your fancy.
If you answered d), take a deep breath and let’s talk about the “rules”, girlfriend.
Sexologists and relationship experts alike say you’ll want to strongly consider the following hot topics below and/or include them for possible discussion with Mr-Perfect-For-Now if and when you decide to take up a short-term “fuck buddy” over the summer break. Of course, if it’s a one-night night you’d prefer, there probably won’t be a lot of deep and meaningful dialogue.
- Don’t expect cuddling, basking or canoodling after sex. If he bolts straight for the door after the big event, and you’re sure you’re just after casual sex, you need to learn to be OK with this, lady.
- You can’t expect to introduce your booty call to your friends, family or pets. Dude ain’t yours for the keeping (and you don’t want him long-term anyway).
- Be upfront about your expectations and feelings, or lack thereof: sure, relationships can grow out of casual sex, but you’ve got to make sure you’re both on the same page when it comes to love and commitment. Honesty is absolutely key.
- Do not act like a girlfriend and develop a strong emotional attachment to hot casual sex man if you don’t want a relationship. Save yourself (and him) the complication and possible heartbreak; leave your emotions at the door.
- Don’t be greedy and selfish in the bedroom: this is the time to be adventurous, find out what truly blows your hair back and experiment with new sexual positions and/or role play. Just be sure that he’s into it, too.
- Ensure you’re in control of both your emotions and your actions to avoid unsafe scenarios.
- Always, always practice safe sex. Always. Did I mention always? No ifs, ands or buts, if he won’t wear a condom, abort!
What do you think? What are your casual sex rules?
Images via www.someecards.com.
I once met a beauty therapist who told me her main male client assessed a woman’s dating potential, and indeed whether he’d consider “going down there” on her, purely based on the state of her feet. Yep, that’s right – this guy had a serious foot fetish and in his mind, if a woman didn’t keep hers in tip-top shape, then by his logic, the rest of her would be a hazardous no-go zone too.
I guffawed loudly in shock upon hearing this – talk about shallow and judgemental – wasn’t he interested in the state of a woman’s brain, too?
Dating can be a minefield, in which you must carefully navigate partners’ sexual quirks. So, what do you do when you encounter a sexual turnoff?
Communication is key, and definitely don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with, says leading Australian sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein.
“Partners have to tell each other what they like,” she says, “but it always needs to be requested, never forced. And if it feels like the request is overstepping a boundary, it’s time to call it quits.”
1. How does your lady garden grow: Bush is back in a big way, according to women’s tabloids, largely because a certain Gwyneth Paltrow recently admitted she “rocks a 70s vibe down there”. So, can we women banish our brazilian waxers for good? Easy tiger – chances are, you may meet a man who prefers your bod to be hairless in the manner of a mannequin. Is it a deal breaker? Should you have to wax if you don’t want to? Dr Goldstein says if you find the idea of a brazilian abhorrent, and he’s always at you to wax, get a new partner who likes you au naturel.
2. If it’s not on, it really ain’t on: Does your new man whinge every time he wears a condom? If your partner won’t take responsibility for your respective sexual health and birth control, it’s high time you booted him out of your bed, says Dr Goldstein. “If a man is going to refuse to wear a condom then he has to accept you’ll both be getting an STI test and entering into a monogamous, exclusive relationship,” she says. “It’s one of those important conversations that don’t have to be awkward: ‘Let’s discuss this, so next time we both know what to do and don’t have to stop mid-sex’.”
3. Keep it fresh, keep it clean: Sex can be hottest at its most primal, but personal hygiene is paramount when dating, methinks – no one wants to get busy with a partner with a bad case of BO. So, how do you tell the man you’re knocking socks with, to fix himself up, without offending? If he comes at you – post rugby match – do you spray him with Old Spice? Dr Goldstein agrees “grubby sex can be hot”, but says be careful you don’t damage a man’s ego with this one. “Suggest a shower together, be calculating and clever to make this situation work for you.”
4. Ladies need a warm-up: Is your lover always in a rush to get to Orgasm Town? Or is his idea of foreplay buying you a drink? “A lot of guys find foreplay boring because the focus isn’t on them – it’s selfish and lazy,” Dr Goldstein says. “The rule of thumb is give her an orgasm before you enter her. If a woman is already aroused, she also has more chance to orgasm through penetration and come quickly. A lot of men don’t understand women need a slow warm-up – and getting a woman off is a turn-on for both of you. If you put in the work, guys, you’ll benefit too!”
5. Does he do a Harry Holt?: Does your new lover bolt from the bed after sex? The cool-down, or basking, is just as important as the warm-up – if you’re in a committed relationship that is, says Dr Goldstein. “If you’re having casual sex, you can’t expect the snuggling afterwards,” she says, “it’s the one negative to the casual hook-up. But if you’re dating someone, that behaviour’s a little indication they are scared of commitment – people who don’t want to stick around and snuggle and jump out of bed after sex, I would put money on them not wanting a relationship.”
Main image via checksandspots.com and bikini image via www.timeslive.co.za