Comedy

14 Celebrities Impersonating Other Celebrities Like Total BOSSES

Imitation is the finest form of flattery.

October 26, 2016

14 Ways To Improve Your Health On Your Commute To Work

Time is precious – use it wisely.

August 8, 2016

13 Times Amy Schumer Perfectly Summed Up Dating In Your 20s

“Sometimes I really just do feel like a mess and slutty and out of control.”

November 6, 2015

Inspirational Women: Celeste Barber

Each week, SHESAID features an inspiring woman who has been kind enough to share her story with our readers. She might be a leader in her chosen field, someone still on their own path striving to make a difference or simply someone with a remarkable story to tell. These women contribute their own knowledge, expertise and life lessons in order to truly inspire others.

RELATED: Inspirational Women: Juliette Wright

Name and role

Celeste Barber Actor, comedian, #celestechallengeaccepted creator.

Tell us about your passion as a comedian? How long have you known you wanted to make people laugh?

People have been laughing at me for as long as I can remember. From a really young age people would always laugh at stupid things I did, it used to frustrate me because I wanted to be taken seriously.

What was the hardest time in your career and why?

It’s really hard to have a consistent ongoing career in Australia. It can be quite disheartening at times. I know some of the most amazing actors that are working for their parents to pay the bills. So whenever I am working I’m really grateful. The hardest time I have had while actually working was when Mark died. We worked together on All Saints and he was my best friend. When he died I never wanted to act again.

Where do you find your inspiration?

My friends. I have the greatest friends in the whole wide world, I’m sure other people say that but they are lying, MY FRIENDS ARE BETTER THAN ANYONES. I’m pretty picky with the people I spend my time with, so the people I surround myself with are quality. I LOVE actors and creative people, they really inspire me, but most of my friends have ‘normal’ jobs from HR management to retail assistants. My sister, Olivia is a university tutor and is by far my favourite person in the whole wide world.

Inspirational Women, social media, Instagram, comedy, actor, Career Development, Career Advice, Mentor, Life Advice

How do you feel about the huge amount of media you have received in the past two weeks?

Weird, fun, scary, awesome, stupid, crazy and exciting.

What has been the craziest minute of the past few weeks?

Sitting with my husband and two friends Kate and Phil last saturday night. My sister called and told me the Daily Mail online had done an article on me. So we spent the rest of the night watching my Instagram account grow. We invented some fun drinking games: ‘For every 100 followers we must scull.’

Why?

Because it’s weird. I’ve been working in the industry since 2003 and all of a sudden I post a photo of myself lying half naked on a dirt pile and BAM, I’m running for president.

How did you handle it?

I drank, A LOT.

Why do you think people have responded so well to your take-offs of celebrity photos?

I don’t really know, I think people like to laugh, I know I do. Seeing fancy people do fancy things that require A LOT of fancy money and calling it ‘everyday’ is kind of tiring to see all the time. So I wanted to be me, not so fancy, a bit silly and super honest.

Inspirational Women, social media, Instagram, comedy, actor, Career Development, Career Advice, Mentor, Life Advice

Did you have a mentor?

I have a few, I ask a lot of different people what they think about a script or a photo I want to post before I do it, the people that are close to me are my mentors.

Who/what helped you to get your career of the ground?

MY PARENTS, my mum has always said to me is “just be yourself” and that has always stuck in my head. As well as financial supporting when I as younger, they were always said and lead by me. If I called them and said that I wanted to leave my agent and freelance for a while, even though the security of an agent was appealing to them they were always supportive of my decision. My dad would say: “Whatever you want to do princess is great.”

What were the stumbling blocks, initially getting started on your career path and since then?

It wasn’t until I actually started working on All Saints that I realised I was funny. I had done the Big Laugh Comedy Festival before I started on the show, but I didn’t really think I was great at it. I really love and respect the people I worked with on that show and we had so much fun. Joking around on set with people like Mark Priestly, Virginia Gay, Wil Traval – people I think are fucking hilarious was where I think I found my confidence in comedy.

Inspirational Women, social media, Instagram, comedy, actor, Career Development, Career Advice, Mentor, Life Advice

How did you overcome these?

I feel like I got old really fast, I have always been the youngest in my group of friends. But then it felt like all of a sudden there were people younger than me audition for the same things and I thought: ‘Okay, it’s time to realise that funny is your thing, and if you’re not going to wrap your head around that soon and have a crack at this acting thing then there are a lot of younger people who will do it for you.’

You said “next step Ellen”, which is so totally possible (and we cant wait!).  What would you love to ask Ellen about her career as a comedian?

The first thing I would ask her is if I could go house shopping with her, I LOVE interior design (I’m constantly moving my house around, much to my hot husbands disgust) and she seems to buy a house live in it then move 6 months later. I’m quite angry, loud and self- deprecating with my comedy, whereas I find Ellen to be upbeat and positive which I LOVE. I would ask her if I could borrow some of her ‘happy pills’ so I could be more like her.

Who makes you laugh?  

My 4 year old son Lou, he LOVES making people laugh.  My sister and the way my mum talks to my dad when she knows she has an audience. Also, my husband falling over is the funniest thing ever. He is the most grounded, coordinated, centred human I have ever met. He surfs, skates, snowboards and can ride a bike one handed while carrying our sleeping 4 year old son. So when he slips or trips on something, I have to stop what I’m doing so I can respect the belly laugh that is about to spew out of me.

Inspirational Women, social media, Instagram, comedy, actor, Career Development, Career Advice, Mentor, Life Advice

What advice would you give to someone wanting to follow the same path as y?

I really struggle with giving people advice. There is SO MUCH advice being given by people that are really privileged and out of touch. Insta quotes will be the death of me. So I guess my non advice would be: Have a crack at it, or don’t. Whatever.

What is your biggest dream for your career?

Work with Tina Fey, I want to do more TV. I LOVE working in TV. Sitting around on set a lot of people talk about doing films, but my heart lies in TV.  I want to be given lots of money to work on the scripts that my friend Belinda and I have and when they are ready, shop them around. That would be pretty cool. To be honest, I’d like to be offered something, I’m HORRIBLE at auditions I hate them so to skip that step and just be offered a comedy role would be a highlight. I’d love to be part of SNL.

To see more of Celeste’s work and #celestechallengeaccepted follow her on Instagram: @celestebarber

August 28, 2015

Weekend Wit: What If Toddlers Were In Charge?

On TV recently I saw a toddler roaming freely around a moving car. When questioned, it was stated that the toddler refused to sit in the seat or wear a belt. I think the child was about two years old. Now despite the fact it was ludicrous stating this as a valid excuse to avoid a fine, it did get the cogs turning. I thought to myself, what if all toddlers were really in charge? Can you imagine what that scenario would look like behind closed doors?

RELATED: Weekend Wit: Kids say the darnedest things

For starters, I wonder what would be on the menu? Fruit, veggies and custard with stewed apples? I highly doubt it. As soon as that kid got a taste of McDonald’s and began collecting those happy meal figurines I’m pretty sure fruit and veggies wouldn’t get much of a look in. As far as drinks go, I reckon they’d ditch their water bottles or pop tops and go for a nice cold glass of Coke. They don’t care if they don’t sleep or if their teeth rot.

Which brings me to bedtime. As they’re fully hyped up on sugar and processed foods, bedtime would become a thing of the past. An overtired toddler has no idea what’s going on. They just scream until they get their own way. Which, by the way, they have no idea what that is. What’s the bet they’d hold out until they couldn’t hold out anymore and just drop on the spot and sleep where ever they happened to land.

Be aware though that as soon as you move them, they’ll wake up. A toddler in charge wants attention day and night, especially when you want to sleep. Not to mention that your sex life will definitely suffer. Toddlers don’t know that mummy and daddy need alone time. When they do finally sleep, they’d prefer to do it snuggled up next to you. This not only assures attention but will prevent you from having another child. This means they’ll get to rule the roost for years to come and never be required to share.

Now bathtime could possibly go one way or the other depending on the child’s preference. You could either get a nudist always wanting warm water for the tub or a stinky baby who won’t go near it. Toddlers don’t have a middle ground and it will be all or nothing.

As far as entertainment goes, the TV would be permanently on and switched to ABC kids. If they’ve grasped the concept of DVDs you might get a continuous playback of the Wiggles, Dora the Explorer or Thomas the Tank engine. You can forget the late-night crime shows or reality TV. Hubby can totally forget about watching sport as well. Toddlers just aren’t into that and remember it’s all about them, so you’ll have no say.

There won’t be any more adult outings either. All trips would either be to the local park, beach or swimming pool. They generally hate the shops, so you’d need to order everything online. Plus you won’t be heading to the movies, pub or club anytime soon. You may get away with visiting friends or relatives but as soon as the toddlers had enough you’ll need to leave.

You may get to sneak off to work but the toddler won’t be too happy when mum leaves the house. They have no idea that work equals housing, food and entertainment. If you’re lucky, all income will need to be brought in by dad if the toddler lets him leave. There won’t be working from home options either. That toddler’s going to demand your attention 24/7.

In the car, you’ll probably experience what the toddler did at the beginning of the story. Defiant till the end, they won’t want to be restrained. They have no fear and safety to a toddler isn’t even a word! They’ll jump around from front to back and probably end up perched in the front seat on the driver’s lap driving the damn car. They don’t care they just want the best view.

So consider the chaos it would cause if toddlers did run the show. Was it just in the car that the toddler had control? I somehow doubt that. Perhaps this a glimpse at how they really live? Hmm, the mind really does boggle. What were these people thinking? Don’t they know toddlers grow into teens? If they think their life is bad now, wait till that happens!

Image parentwin.com

February 22, 2015

Weekend Wit: Is Penis Size A Myth?

Is penis size a myth? Hmm, it depends which side of the equation you sit on this. Some say yes it is a myth and others say absolutely not! Penis size does matter, in fact it matters a heck of a lot.

I’d like to say for argument sake and to make men out there feel better by saying that penis size is a big fat urban myth. Just because a man is well endowed it doesn’t automatically qualify said man as being an incredible lover. I know some women out there will be jumping up and down right now, but wait ladies. If you think I’m wrong let me take you for a bit of a journey and provide some proof. Yes there is actual proof!

RELATED: Weekend Wit: The Walk Of Shame

penis size, sex, wit, witty stories, fun, humor, funny stories, penis,

The tradie

Being a tremendous lover is like any other skill that’s acquired. It’s not something men put on their resume or display on their LinkedIn account for all the world to see, but we can agree it’s a skill nonetheless. Tradies also have skills, yeah?

Now, when women hire tradies to fix their cars or something around their homes, they don’t base their selection on the size of the tradies tools now do they? Do they choose a mechanic by the size of the money wrench? Carpenter by the size of the hammer or plumber by the size of a plunger? No they don’t. How bloody bizarre would that be?

Instead they might chat to a few, get a couple of quotes and base their decision on the best quote or the tradie they feel most confident with. See where I’m heading with this? Tool size and skill have no connection people. None. Unless a tradie skillfully knows how to operate their tools, they won’t get the job done properly at all. A man with a hammer does not a carpenter make. Understand?

 penis size, sex, wit, witty stories, humor, funny stories, penis, fun,

Sex toys
Now if penis size was a defining factor to get women off why are there vibrators the size of an index finger? Also, why is this size one of the best selling vibrators and why do manufactorors continue to come up with more colours, designs and so forth? Plus, why wouldn’t the sex toy industry just make all vibrators and dildos the size of a well endowed man or larger, if all that mattered was penis size? Why?

Well I’ll tell you why. Size does not matter. Simple. Plus how on earth would a woman manage to keep a vibrator hidden in her handbag if they were all made based on the myth that bigger is better?

Image for a second a woman rummaging through her handbag as most women are known to do. She’s right in the middle of her favorite busy cafe about to pay for her morning latte. As she’s pulling out her purse out flies one of those extra large vibrators with a strong resemblance to a gigantic penis. OMG can you imagine! Is bigger better now ladies?

These women know that a small discrete bullet sized vibrator will do the job. Plus if the above fore-mentioned scenario did happen most people would think she’s just dropped her lipstick, not her favorite sex toy. She can calmly pick it up, pop it back in her handbag and no-one would be the wiser. I don’t think she could do that with something bigger, do you?

 

It’s what’s attached that counts

Most women would have to agree that what’s attached to the penis far outweighs penis size. If penis size was the only thing that mattered men wouldn’t be covering up. They’d be heading to the nearest plastic surgeon, getting massive implants and parading around their most prized possession.

Much like those women with ridiculously large boob jobs who are known to parade around rich old men like Geoffrey Edelsten, for them to make their breast selection. Oh sorry their wife selection. Clearly these men believe the bigger the better. Hmm, I wonder if that applies to them? OMG what am I saying? Sorry I really don’t wonder. Particularly in these cases I’m very glad men aren’t parading around, penis out!

 penis size, sex, wit, witty stories, humor, funny stories, penis, fun,

Evolution

Lastly, I’m pulling out the big guns and offering scientific proof! If women preferred well endowed men why are there so many men walking around with small penises? Wouldn’t the evolutionary process of natural selection have snuffed them out by now? Think about that one.

Images: huffingtonpost.com, groupon.ca, reddit.com, pintrest.com

February 7, 2015

Weekend Wit: Let’s Hear It For Single Mums

Today’s topic is single mums. They really are an incredible, almost unbreakable species. Many have capabilities that take womanhood to a whole new level. Yes, there are some who would be very comfortable in a place suited for the Bogan Hunters, but it’s the successful storm-trooper type I’m talking about. Carer, kids, home and they seem to have it all under control, plus have time to join the PTA! Seriously, hats off to you ladies, you really make other women look pretty bloody ordinary.

Regardless of what you might think, single mums do differ from partnered ones. If you’ve ever had a time in your life when you’ve been a single mum, you’ll understand why I say this. Think about it. There’s no one to vent to at the end of a long hard day or discuss how you’re going to move forward into the future. They can’t turn to a partner at 3am and say “Can you get that?” when the kids have woken up for a feed or with a nightmare or a wet bed. Nope, they are on-call 24/7.

Now being a single mum isn’t something most women aspire to be when they are young. Can you imagine that pretty little picture? I want 3 kids under the age of 7 by the time I’m 35, try my heart out in a relationship which is doomed to fail and would then prefer their dad to nick off so I can raise these kids on my own! Mmmm. Not exactly a goal for an easy life!

Sure, some women do opt to be single mums, but that is generally before they are in the thick of it. Like many other things in life, the only way to fully comprehend a situation is to experience it. The reality of life as a single mum is tough, hard work, an absolute endurance, exhausting and all those other adjectives which describe a situation when the work of an entire village is taken on by one woman.

Ironically, married or partnered women tend to stay as far away from this single mum crew as possible. Have you ever wondered why? I’ve thought about it and it actually became pretty obvious. It’s possible that partnered women view single mums as a threat or they see their future and seriously want to avoid looking in that direction.

So let’s look at the first scenario. The single mum as the threat. A threat to what you might ask? Well, everything! Single mums are SINGLE. Strike one. Only confident, trusting or should we say naive women will introduce these types of single mums to their partner.

Not only to they support themselves, dress their kids in designer clothing and footwear, have homes which resemble a photo opportunity in House and Garden, but they are usually quite lovely people and to top it off, many are outstandingly gorgeous. Keeping everything afloat, they manage to stay fit and healthy and radiate confidence, independence and all the other attributes men find irri-bloody-sistable!

For many, the only reason they are single is out of misfortune and bad luck. Partnered women are aware of this and in their quest to retain their lives, they avoid introducing Ms Perfect to their partner. Not that she would go for most of them anyway, but partnered women won’t take that chance. They have grown accustomed to their lives and intent to keep it.

That brings us to threat number two. The single mum can be a vision of the future for many women in unhappy, soul-destroying relationships. If they choose to ditch their partner, this is the type of single mum many of these ladies will need to become. Looking this harsh reality in the face can be daunting and scary. How on earth will they manage to do it?

The reality is many women they know they can’t and hence remain with their partner. These women would rather remain in their crappy relationship than opt to be a single mum. Granted, most know very little about their lives because they avoid them at all costs, bag them for their life choices, ostracize them in the school yard and other family involved functions, yet when it comes to actually  being one, they strategically opt out.

So being a single mum is not for the faint hearted; partnered women will avoid you, men look your way and ogle, plus you are responsible for the kids 24/7. Still, many seem to pull it off with the grace and charm of a princess. What can I say but well done ladies, keep up the good work!

December 15, 2014

Weekend Wit: The Facebook Phenomenon

I was watching Family Feud the other day, which is something I seldom do and the question was, “What is the first thing people do when they wake up?” Now I thought of answers like have a pee, (which BTW was number one), make a cuppa, stretch, open your eyes, yawn. You know, that sort of thing? What struck me as totally bizarre was number two. Check out your FB page. WTF!

It seems FB has made a gigantic impact upon the lives of millions of people. Yes, I too have a FB page, but the last thing I want to do when I wake up is connect with other people or read about the crap happening in other peoples lives. You know the stuff. At blah blah, with so and so, having a ball. This is the meal I’m about to consume (which BTW is going cold because I’m trying to take the perfect shot). My partner is a lying arsehole, please comment. My partner is no longer a lying arsehole, how dare you comment! OMG really? Seconds after you wake up? Three words people; get a life!

So anyway, I’ve always queried that if people are at blah blah with so and so having this audacious time, why the heck would they bother updating their FB status to tell everyone about it? If they had to pull out their smartphone and update their FB status I reckon they’re probably stretching the truth. In reality they‘re bored as hell!

Think about it. If you’re in the middle of hot date and things are going really well and the two of you are about to get busy, would you say “hang on, I need to update my FB status.” No. You’re actually having too much of a good a time to be bothered about FB. That’s the reality. So when you see a post about this incredible time someone is having, it’s probably bullshit!

Now, the posts I really have to have a chuckle at are the arguments. Parents and their kids, partners going at each other and sometimes just general haters. Do people forget it’s a public forum? People have the opportunity to read about it AND comment!

There’s nothing more hilarious than a couple who are arguing. Their friends or family comment saying what a prick he or she is and then when the argument is over the couple combine and attack the people who have stopped by to comment. OMG talk about entertainment! Why do people comment? Why do couples argue on FB? It certainly is a strange world we live in. What’s more is that people don’t learn from the first time it happens. They do it over and over again.

Imagine being an alien and monitoring this stuff. The human race would look like a bunch of half-wits who have nothing better to do with their lives. They upload ridiculous photos of people doing all sorts of weird and wonderful things and write about every single thought which miraculously passes through their brain. If you were an alien would you bother visiting our planet?

So in closing, I just want to say thank you to the FB creators. They’ve managed to turn seemingly intelligent beings into sideshow freaks. Anyone who wants to stop by and take a gander at someone else’s life can do so with the click of a button.

People are heading straight out of the toilet in the morning to jump online and check out the latest gossip. They’ve managed to turn at least some of the worlds population into bullshit addicts. Pity they didn’t come up with something really significant, like a cure for Cancer. Instead, we got FB. Job well done fellas!

Image via jcsocialmarketing.com

December 6, 2014

Weekend Wit: The Art Of Successful Dating

Ever noticed that some of the most important things in life aren’t taught in school or by our folks? Schools teach algebra and where to put a capital letter. Helpful, but irrelevant when it comes to love and learning about life. Parents teach us how to ride a bike, cook and clean (if you’re lucky).  Neither seem to get to the important stuff though. Who teaches us what to do on a date? Expectations during childbirth? Maintaining a long-term relationship? What about raising kids, that’s a biggie. Are we expected to wing that? Apparently so.

Seriously, this stuff is so important, but we all walk around clueless. When we do realize the massive void in our knowledge base and our incapacity to successfully date and reproduce, we jump online for all sorts of info. We basically get our most important education from strangers. So, here’s a little more dating advice from one stranger to another, to add to this weird f###d up world we live in.

Dress nice

Your definition of nice may differ from others so by nice, I mean somewhere between looking for payment at the end of the night and dressing like the local librarian.

Who pays?

If you are on a dinner date, payment happens at the end. Here’s a tip. If you don’t really like the date or want to see them again, pay for your own meal. Nothing screams “you ain’t gettin’ any” like paying for yourself.

Then again, if you are the sort of person who likes free stuff and is ok with hurting others, order the most expensive dish on the menu and get them to pay. When they spend the extra money on fuel to drive you home and swoop in for a goodnight kiss (thinking the date went well), tell them to their face that you don’t want to see them again. You might be a bitch, but least you’ve saved a few dollars and will be a very well feed bitch.

Window shopping

If your date is a window shopper when he’s with you, choose one of two options. The first is to join him in the window shop and catch the eye of some hottie. Walk over to him, introduce yourself and tell them you are with your brother. The hottie will believe it because no self respecting man should window shop on a date. Make sure “your brother” picks up the tab and take his number out of your contact list.

The second optio: You can pick up your things and abandon him. Once again, make sure he pays. I’d recommend you choose the first option though. You actually use him as your wing man and you might be doing his next date a favor. Score one for the girls here! Either way, ditch him. If he doesn’t pay attention to you during a date, he certainly won’t pay attention to you in a relationship.

Sex

Okay ladies, this is where you have power and control. Use it, abuse it and let the poor guy know exactly what he’s in for should the relationship progress and you end up getting married. No use putting out initially and shutting up shop when the rings on ya finger. If you are going to be a frigid wife, then be a frigid date and don’t fool him into thinking he’s got a sex goddess.

Image via https://cdnil1.fiverrcdn.com/photos/1631473/v2_680/dating2.jpg

November 29, 2014

Weekend Wit: Thank God For Man Crèche

Like most women, I love to shop. I like to head to the local mall, strolling from shop to shop; picking up one item and then another to examine it for its value, purpose, fit, texture, durability, style, blah, blah, blah. It’s a process. A long one! Most men, on the other hand, loathe shopping with a passion.

You can see them at the shops, disinterested, with distracted look on their faces, regularly staring down at their watches and we know they’re just wondering how long this hellish experience is going to last. A torturous affair for you both!

It is pretty amusing though, when men spot another masculine soul on the arm of their lady. They too are being led from shop to shop without making a single purchase. When they make eye contact, you can almost hear the conversation going on behind the smile or the grin: “Yeah, I know mate. Hell, isn’t it? I’d rather be doing anything else as well. Yeah, I’m only doing it to get laid too buddy, don’t you worry about that. It’s ok brother, you aren’t alone.”

They pass each other both knowing the sheer agony of their situation. Stuck at the damn mall with the missus. Hour after after of “Do you like this one? Hang on, what about that one? Which one do you like better? Do you mind if we just have a look in here for a minute?” Knowing all too well that they will be there over half an hour. Men at the mall don’t need to say a word. They know what’s in each other’s thoughts. Torture. Utter… Bloody…. Torture! Why was it they agree to tag along? Oh, that’s right. Sex.

Now, not many people are aware, but there is an alternative. You can drive to and from the shops together, but instead of dragging him round the mall, where you know he clearly doesn’t want to be, but has only gone to “please” you; he can go directly to the man crèche. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but inside or very close to most shopping malls lies a pub.

Driving on the way to a large local mall one day, there was a sign outside one of them. It was only weeks before Christmas and the sign said, “We will look after your man, while you go shopping!” Well, the look on my partners face was ecstatic. “Man crèche?” he proposed, smiling from ear to ear as if he’d be stranded in the desert and just discovered water.

So man crèche it was. Oh, thank God! Best shopping expedition either of us have ever had. It’s put a new spin on the word “shopping” that we can both actually enjoy. Him at the “man crèche”, me at the shops – shopping expeditions made in heaven.

Image via c2.staticflickr.com/4/3577/3321835983_12e2f1efa5.jpg

November 22, 2014

Weekend Wit: 10 Tips For The Perfect Wife

If men, in general, wrote up a list of things which resembled the perfect wife, it would probably look something like this, in no particular order – that’s male organisation at work, ladies. If it was a women’s list, well it would be structured in terms of priority (probably in a spreadsheet), but no need to go there.

Tip 1: Learn how to download

There’s not a man alive who doesn’t appreciate a woman who can download content off the internet, especially if it’s their favourite TV show or latest action flick. “Here’s the latest episode of Game of Thrones, hunny” – he’ll be so blown away and won’t even care that you’ve done so illegally and you’re now a “pirate”. Mmm, that might add to the attraction..?

Tip 2: Become a DYI queen

Men loathe having to fix stuff around the house, especially if they do it for a living. So, if you want the gutters cleaned, the lawn mowed, car washed, etc, then DYI ladies!

Tip 3: Encourage his hobbies

So, he’s heading toward 40 and suddenly has an urge to buy that motorbike he’s always wanted or maybe an expensive set of golf clubs to go hang out at the course with his mates. Instead of holding him hostage as you drag him shopping, encourage his hobbies (take out life insurance in the case of the motorbike) and get him out of the house. Now, a great wife would even pack his lunch.

Tip 4: Cook… Often!

That brings us to the next item on the list. It really is true that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It might have something to do with their mothers, who cooked for them and made their favorite meal when they were little boys. Who knows, but feeding him will gain you valuable wife points.

Tip 5: Sex

BJ, HJ, S&M… Enough said. (Probably should have been first on the list, but it is in no particular order, remember!)

Tip 6: Look fabulous

It doesn’t matter if you have the flu, are heavily pregnant carrying his child or tired after a long day at work. Throw away the trackie pants and sloppy tops. You need to look like you’ve just stepped out of the beauty salon. This is especially true when his mates pop over, but be careful not to overdo it. He wants to show you off, not give his mates bait for them to go fishing.

Tip 7: Never say “we need to talk”

All men dread these four little words. They either think that they’ve done something wrong and they are in trouble or you need to talk, in which case they will need to look at least half-interested in whatever you have to say. Either way, there’s nothing in it for them so the perfect wife would never strings these four words together.

Tip 8: Praise him for little things

Men love praise. It doesn’t matter if the only housework he’s managed to do in the past six weeks has been the dishes – at least he did something! A little praise goes a long way. Once again, this probably goes back to their mothers and their childhood, but don’t dare mention that either.

Tip 9: Let him have control the TV remote

What is it with men and the TV remote? It’s a strange phenomenon, isn’t it? Ever wonder what men had hold of before TV was invented. Ok, lets not go there. Anyway, let him have it. If he thinks he’s got an inferred magic power wand. Seriously, what harm can it do? Just as long as he doesn’t aim it at you and press the mute button, it’s all good. (Hey, there’s not a man alive that hasn’t at least thought about it.)

Tip 10: Let him think he’s the boss

Speaking of power, we all know women really run the home. Imagine the state of things if the man was in charge? Two words: bachelor pad! They do like to think they run things, though, so do what good wives do best and don’t remind him about it. You know in your head what’s really going on.

Image via maryloudriedger2.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/the-perfect-wife.jpg

November 15, 2014

Weekend Wit: Family – The Other F Word

Families come is all shapes and sizes. And just because you share similar genes doesn’t automatically mean you are going to get along. There have been times in my life when I’ve had to ask the questions: Was I adopted? Was I separated at birth from my real family? Who the hell are these people and please tell me I’m nothing like them!

Then you question yourself: I’m not like them, am I? No one wants to be like people that they dislike, but the reality is there’s probably more similarities than differences. Thank goodness there’s a little thing called denial to keep you sane. Hey, better to deny than self-loathe, right?

Then, of course, as you get older and find a partner, in-laws come into the picture. They are the gene-lessly related people you need to accept as part of your family. At least with your own family you can make choices about who to hang out with and who to ditch. In-laws are a completely different type of hell. You need to take your partner into consideration. Well, if you want your relationship to last, that is.

Speaking from experience, your partner doesn’t want to hear how much they irritate you or that you wouldn’t have this person in their life if it wasn’t for them. Yeah, it’s probably not the best way to go about it. If you are looking for a good way to start an argument, though, it’s highly recommended!

As it turns out, they just want the people they love to get along. Oh, how damn selfish of them and if it was only that easy. Sometimes in life there are people who you just can’t stand. What, you’re supposed to tolerate them, just because your partner wants you to? Ah, unfortunately yes!

So, what do you do about them? These people, or maybe a particular person, who makes you feel terrible because you struggle to do this one thing for your partner? I know. Smile nicely, thinking back to the last episode of Dexter and the possibility of taking out the trash in your life. Think about it. Your problem would be solved, but could you actually do it? No, me neither. Instead, you’re faced with a life-long lesson in patience, tolerance and all that other stuff which most humans choose to do in fairly small doses. Aren’t you lucky to have this opportunity?

Unfortunately, these no secret recipes or script to follow. Most of us with a hellish in-law just need to wing it. If you can avoid them; great. If you can’t; sorry you need to accept shit just happens! You might need to remind yourself that there’s a good person in there somewhere. With some people, though, you’ll need to look deep, really, really deep!

Image source:http://www.blastr.com/sites/blastr/files/the-addams-family.jpg

November 8, 2014

Weekend Wit: Men and Menstruation

Men. They really are strange. The way they make decisions, their behavior, what they pay attention to and how they go about things makes the female mind boggle! Take menstruation for example. What is it about women’s periods that freaks them out and has them running for the nearest exit?

For example, if you are chatting on the phone to a friend or have your BFF over for coffee, a sure-fire way to stop any man from eavesdropping on your conversation is to throw in the topic of your menstrual cycle. It’s like female Kryptonite! They’ve overheard the word period and they leave the vicinity faster than Superman on a mission. (Tip: Don’t forget to use this one to your advantage!)

Then there’s buying feminine hygiene products for female partners. This is possibly the one incidence whereby gay men are envied by heterosexual males. If your fella is like most of his comrades, this is the one request he could probably do without.

Yes, he will need to walk into the shop and find his way to the feminine hygiene section. Challenge number one. Once there, he will likely be completely overwhelmed when he is instantly confronted with – a wall of feminine hygiene options. Pure horror for the average bloke. Super, regular, flow related, wings, no wings; all of which he knows nothing about. Challenge number two.

Although preferred products are usually neatly placed in her section of the bathroom cabinet – which is shared and he actually opens each day – he chooses not to see them. This is a man skill learned and passed down through generations with utter perfection. The products are there but the connection between his eyes and brain are severed when it comes to anything related to feminine hygiene. (Tip: This is where to hide your own private collection of sex toys because he’ll never see them!)

Back to challenge number two. Men can go either one of two ways when it comes to selecting tampons for their lady. If a man chooses a super-sized product, he has done so with his anatomy is mind. During the selection process, he has come to the assumption that the size of the tampon reflects how endowed he believes he is. If he can fit inside that vagina, it must need a super-sized tampon. Yes, ladies, that’s the logic!

If the man selects the regular or smaller variety, he has done so with her anatomy in mind. These products have been selected because he wants to believe her lady bits, are too small for super-sized products. The thought of his lady using super-sized tampons is a concept he just doesn’t want to envisage. Once again, male logic at work. How on earth was the wheel or electricity ever invented?

Whatever rationale he uses to make the selection; he then finds his way to the checkout. Challenge number three. Some men feel a bit awkward about this. The big question is why? Everyone knows the product isn’t for him. Not unless he’s hiding a vagina in his pants! Maybe there lies the fear?

Despite all men knowing that women bleed once a month, it’s not something the vast majority want to delve into any further. Why any man would want to become a gynecologist is a pure mystery. Maybe they have a defective male gene, assume women visiting the gynecologist aren’t menstruating or something along those lines. Remember, we are dealing with male logic and decision making, so who knows, and most of these men would say women are strange!

October 25, 2014

Weekend Wit: The Walk Of Shame

The dreaded walk of shame. This person has just snuck out of someone’s home, at 6 am, riddled with self doubt, confusion; possibly a snippet of self loathing. They have a chronic hangover and have little recollection of the previous night. All they know is, when they awoke, they felt a sickening shock at realising they weren’t alone. Who the hell is that? Where did they meet? OMG, what’s their name?

Their only tangible thought is to get the hell out of wherever they are right that second. They would make a dash for the door if they weren’t completely naked. There’s a high possibility they’re about to take an underwear-free walk. What they really need is their phone. Like many humans, life without their phone is an existence just not worth considering.

There’s no way they want to interact with this nameless stranger. Maybe if they leave quick enough, the stranger won’t even recall they were there. Yes, sounds like a plan. They begin creeping around the house, trying to be as quite as taking a poop in a public toilet; but, of course, the quieter they try to be, the louder they are and cringe each time they make a sound.

Heading back to the bedroom, they discover both of their phones sticking out from under the stranger’s pillow. WTF? Oh, no. Is there a recording of this experience? Instantaneously, a whole new level of shame is realised. Contemplating how to retain their dignity, they stand over the stranger and gently attempt to pry the phones from under the pillow. Bit by bit, they get closer to their claim and, after a good five minutes, they finally have both. Phew!

Walking into another room, attempting the password on the stranger’s phone, they think to themselves ‘this could take forever’. Should they steal the stranger’s phone, just in case? Maybe they could take it, have it wiped it clean and mail it back. Oh decisions, decisions!

Determined to sustain at least some level of their previous self respect, they decide to leave the phone and make the getaway. Hopefully, there’s another reason why the phones were under the pillow.

Semi-dressed, they make their way to the door. As anticipated, it will be an underwear-free walk. Opening the door as quietly as possible, they step out and just as they begin to close it gently behind them, a gust of wind comes past and slams it shut, like a nail being belted into a coffin. BANG! Run is their first instinctive thought.

So, rapidly, the underwear-free walk of shame becomes a sprint, which carries on for a block. By then they are totally spent because of all the alcohol they consumed the night before. Additionally, they receive a text. It’s 6 am, who’s texting at this time of the morning? This can’t be good.

Looking down at the name of the sender, they think for themselves ‘I don’t know anyone named…’ Oh, yes, they do. Yep, just as they suspected, it’s not good. That’s why the phones were under the pillow. They’d swapped numbers. The now-named stranger sent a text: “You left your keys”.

Image via http://www.writtalin.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/one_night_stand.jpg

October 18, 2014

Best Female Stand-Up Comedians in 2014

We were all saddened by the recent passing of beloved comedienne Joan Rivers. Her career was long and never without scandal, but she was adored for her relentless energy, boundary-pushing jokes and notorious zingers. She was a pioneer, blazing the trail for other female comedians, enabling them to brave the typically male-dominated industry. We have Joan to thank for the likes of Ellen DeGeneres and Roseanne Barr. Never in history has there been more female comedians in the limelight, so to celebrate Joan’s contributions, we give you some of comedy’s hottest ladies of the moment.

Amy Schumer

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One of the biggest names in comedy at the moment is Amy Schumer. Her Comedy Central sketch show, Inside Amy Schumer, has been renewed for a third season and was also nominated for a primetime Emmy this year. Schumer continues to break taboos regarding attitudes towards young women, sex and relationships.

Sarah Silverman

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She’s not exactly new to the biz, but Sarah Silverman scored an Emmy Award this year for her HBO special, We Are Miracles. Despite premiering on the scene in 1992, Silverman shows no signs of slowing down and continues to gain respect as a comedy legend.

Maria Bamford

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Bamford is well-known for her comedic take on her array of mental illnesses, form OCD to bipolar disorder. She has had guest appearances on Louie and Arrested Development, but it is her own web series – The Maria Bamford Show and The Special Special Special – that have earned her fame.

Cameron Esposito

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Esposito was famously praised as “the future” by Jay Leno after her performance on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson last year. Since then, Cameron has been making waves in her hometown of Los-Angeles, but keep an eye (ear?) out for her upcoming comedy album, Same Sex Symbol. You may have recently seen her response to a homophobic heckler after it went viral on the web this year.

Image of Cameron Esposito via redeyechicago.com

September 9, 2014