Because if you don’t take care of you first, you won’t be able to take care of anyone else.
Because ladies like a good drink, too.
How many of these can you check off the list?
If you keep telling people you’re not good enough, they’ll eventually believe you.
Getting glowing, sun-kissed skin just got a lot simpler.
When your friend becomes your fiend.
I’ve been told to dumb myself down and even dress dowdy so as not to scare guys off.
Do I look like a Kardashian yet?
Turns out it really is what’s on the inside that matters most.
I’m thinking of a number between one and ten…
Looking for a little more guidance in your life? SHESAID has teamed up with author, Domonique Bertolucci, to provide a few tips from her new book, The Kindness Pact. If you can’t get your hands on her novel, head over to Domonique’s official website for free video training on how to break the exhaustion/dissatisfaction cycle once and for all and get rid of that nagging guilty feeling forever.
Congratulations on the new book! What inspired you to write The Kindness Pact?
Thank you! The first seeds for The Kindness Pact: 8 promises to make you feel good about who you are and the life you live were planted a few years ago when I was walking in the park and observed a scene that left me feeling quite uncomfortable. A young boy of perhaps six or seven had climbed a tree and gone beyond the height he was confident to get back down from and I could hear his mother berating him for his lack of courage: “‘Don’t be so pathetic.’ ‘You really are being stupid.’ ‘What a wimp you’re being.’ ‘You really are useless.’”
It was awful to hear, but at the same time the words this used were the very same words I had heard countless people, both in my professional and personal life, use to berate or belittle their own efforts. You see, most people are terribly unkind to themselves. They make harsh judgements, engage in endless self-criticism and are unforgiving of even the smallest of failings. At the same time these people are often loving and kind parents, generous and encouraging friends, and supportive and committed colleagues. They give everyone else their best, only to give themselves their worst.
The Kindness Pact is about learning to treat yourself with the same kindness, love and respect you give the other important people in your life. When you keep the pact, you will build your self-confidence, nurture your self-esteem and have more energy to do what you want to do and be who you want to be.
What are some of the main ways to stay positive in this day and age?
The three best pieces of advice I have for staying positive and feeling happy are to:
- Be present: Learn from the past, plan for the future, but live in the moment. Focus your energy on making today the best day possible and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
- Express your gratitude: Regardless of what you want or still want to achieve, appreciate all the wealth and abundance already in your life.
- Be generous: Give willingly and not just with your money. Be with your time and energy too. The more you give the more you receive.
Could you list a few different ways to turn an I can’t into I can?
The three most effective ways to turn an I can’t into an I can are:
- Reframe your ideas with logical thought based on facts. “If I follow a training plan I will build my endurance and be able to run a marathon.”
- Reform your thinking with affirmations: positive, present tense, personal statements. “I have run a marathon and I couldn’t be prouder of myself”
- Take action and prove yourself wrong! Start running, feel yourself getting fitter and stronger and realise that your goal is in reach.
How can our readers use these tips to change their outlook in the workplace?
- Reframe: The key to reframing most experiences in the workplace is not to personalise them.
If things aren’t going the way you want them to, don’t be a victim and think, “why is this happening to me?” Instead, acknowledge that it is happening and focus your energy on what you are going to do about it.
- Reform: Believe in yourself, your abilities and your potential to do well in the workplace.
The more authentically confident you are in the workplace, the better you will be treated and the faster you will progress. People want to work with people they can put their faith in and the fastest way to show them that they can believe in you is to believe in yourself.
- Take action: Be proactive about your career and the experience you want to have at work.
Seek out mentors and create your own learning agenda based on the path you want your career to follow. Learn to accept constructive feedback for what it is, feedback about the work you’ve done, not the person you are.
Many people find it difficult to say they’re happy. Why do you think these feelings are hard to vocalise?
A lot of happy people prefer to keep quiet about their happiness. They’re tired of being misunderstood and having people think that by saying “I’m happy,” they mean “my life is perfect” and that they are big-noting themselves in some way.
You see, most people are looking for happiness in all the wrong places. They think they’ll be happy when they’ve done this or got that; a promotion, a pay rise, a partner, a perfect figure, perfect kids, the perfect home. But true happiness is not a state of doing or having, it’s a state of being. Truly happy people know this and are happy regardless of the size of their house, bank balance or on label of the clothes they wear.
How can readers stay in touch with your tips when they’re constantly on-the-go?
Happiness is a choice, but you can’t just make it once. You can’t say: “Happiness… I think I’ll give that a try next Tuesday.” You need to choose to be happy every day and then continually and consistently make decisions that support that intention.
Before you go to bed each night, take a minute to express your gratitude for today and set your intention for tomorrow. When you wake up in the morning, before you leap out of bed and race around doing a million and one things, reconnect with your intention for the day and use this to anchor your day in positive way.
I also have a whole range of free resources at domoniquebertolucci.com, to help people get the life they want while loving the life they’ve got. These include downloadable workbooks, my free video course Life: Make the Most of Yours and the 100 Days Happier iPhone app which will send you an inspiring thought to help you to maintain your happiness each and every day.
In need of a some new books to help change your perception on life? Who doesn’t! Sometimes we all require a little extra guidance, and the best way to get some is to sit back and relax with a self-help book.
Choosing just one book to start can feel a little daunting at first, but we have hand-picked some of our favourites for you below.
The Kindness Pact, Domonique Bertolucci
8 promises to make you feel good about who you are and the life you live. A great book if you’re unsure of where to start and need to reflect on your own actions.
Six Pillars of Self Esteem, Nathaniel Branden
If your self esteem needs a reality check, then this straightforward book is the best one for you. It clearly explains how anyone can master great self confidence at any age.
10% Happier, Dan Harris
Who else is a victim of their thoughts, even at the best of times? Take control of your life and make your thoughts work with you, rather than against you. A delightful little read on how to make the most of your life.
Stop Procrastinating and Get Things Done, Adrian Tannock
As women, we often have more than we bargained for on our daily schedule. If you’re always leaving everything to the eleventh hour, this will will change your views on almost everything.
The Relaxation & Stress Reduction Workbook, Martha Davis
Finding it hard to practice what you preach? This interactive workbook will help to realise your goals and make the most of what you read, without making it feel like a waste of time.
What are some of your best self-help books?
Image via Womens Health Mag, Buzzfeed
Most of us are well familiar with the inner critic, that voice in our heads telling us we’re not good enough, we don’t have what it takes and something bad is going to happen if we take a step outside our comfort zone. While you can’t completely switch that voice off, you can make sure it doesn’t stop you from doing what you really want to do and here is how.
Create a persona
If your inner critic was a person, what would it look like? Would it be a man, a woman or a child? Maybe it’s an animal or a monster? Imagine as many details about your inner critic as you can. Give it a name. Creating a persona helps recognise this voice as something that comes from you, but is not the whole you and therefore, it’s not the ultimate truth.
Once you can see your inner critic as a separate persona, it’s easier to choose to dismiss what it says. It’s like getting advice from a friend: You’ll follow it if it works for you and you’ll discard it otherwise.
Know that your inner critic means well
The purpose of your inner critic is to protect you and keep you safe. That’s why ignoring the little voice is usually not a good idea – it will just get louder and more creative in devising ways to get your attention.
Instead, listen to what your critic has to say, but be discerning. Is there any evidence that this is true? Do you need a backup plan? Or is it safe to let your inner critic’s opinion go? Once you’ve made a decision, reassure your inner critic that everything is okay and move on in the direction you need to go.
Sounds crazy to be personifying and talking to voices in your head, doesn’t it? We all do it anyway, just not consciously. By hearing your inner critic out, you’re acknowledging and communicating with the part of you that wants to keep you safe, so that it feels reassured and allows you do your great work in the world.
Image via Pixabay
A prominent fact of life is that all people judge each other by how they look and what they wear. Some people attempt to be consciously non-judgmental and try to look past appearances, but they still make unconscious decisions based on initial impressions on whether a person is a potential friend or foe. This phenomenon goes back to the time of the dinosaurs and it’s ultimately how the human race has survived.
It’s due to the importance of making a good impression that people generally take care of how they present themselves. Yes, there are times when you just want to sleuth out so some situations are more important than others, like going for an interview, a night out on the town or going on a date.
During these times if you are aiming for that sexy and sophisticated look and are actually leaning toward skanky, you will be repealing the type of life opportunities you deserve. The most imperative thing in these situations is to know the difference.
So what are they? Firstly, the difference between sexy and skanky is attitude related. Regardless of how you look, if you feel and behave like God’s gift to men, you are probably projecting yourself as skanky. Sexy, sophisticated women don’t pounce, they lure and there lies the big difference.
Traditionally, males are the hunters and that still applies to the battle of the sexes when it comes to work and play. Whether you are being interviewed for a job, at a club or on a date, the majority of men don’t like to be chased. Regardless of the advancement Feminism has made, men still judge women who chase them and prefer the company of women who don’t.
Now, apart from attitude and behavior, how you look adds to the art of luring and seduction. Sexy, sophisticated women have this down pat. When it comes to how they present themselves, less is certainly not more and if you want people to notice your brain instead of your boobs, don’t shove them out there for everyone to see.
Sexy women show just enough cleavage to be alluring, dress their age, add make-up only to enhance their natural beauty, limit accessories and emulate femininity. They avoid revealing clothing like ultra short shorts, skirts or dresses, exceptionally plunging necklines and items which look more like lingerie. They also know how to style footwear. For example; many people refer to long full length boots as cum-fuck-me-boots. If you are going to wear them you need to know what message they are sending and how to style them with elegance and grace.
So, unless you’re heading down to the beach, cover up a bit and let the imagination work its magic. I’m not being a prude either. After years of experience, having male friends, work colleagues and a couple of long term partners, I have an excellent insight into the way they think. It’s not just men either. Other women are probably your most cynical critics and many will notice if you look skanky.
If you are unsure before you step out the door, check out how you look in the mirror. If you’re about to have a wardrobe malfunction and your breasts are about to leap out of your top, stop! If you bend over and get a peek of your underwear, (lets hope you are wearing some) stop! Turn around and choose something else. Plus, if your makeup has you looking like someone else, you are probably overdoing it.
Lastly, it doesn’t matter if you are 19 or 69, if you look skanky instead of sexy, it will make other people uncomfortable. That will limit valuable life opportunities, including jobs, friendships and relationships. Sure, you might get a fair bit of attention, but you need to aim for positive attention to ultimately get the best out of life.
Image via cmarchuska.com
Hey ladies, do you want to know what men find super hot … Older women! It doesn’t matter if it’s young men or older fellas; the older, more mature woman is highly admired and lusted after in a big way. Sure, there have always been the odd Mrs Robinson or cougar dotted around, but the way men are swooning toward mature women, you don’t have to degrade yourself or dress like a teenager to hook up. In fact, men would rather women dressed their age, add a little sophistication mixed with sexy and they turn to putty.
It’s interesting that 40+ year-old women are now considered in their prime, whereas years ago the same women would have been put out to pasture. If she was single, she wouldn’t have been going out to places where single men were and she certainly wouldn’t have been encouraged to be sexy. That was reserved for younger women.
Feminism has certainly had a lot to do with the shift and men have been discovering just how much mature women have to offer. Instead of only having younger women to choose from they can now venture into uncharted territory and it seems they are delighted with society’s progress.
So what is it about the older women that men are finding irresistible? Well, it’s a combination of factors and it seems experience is pretty high up on the list. Rather than hunting down the vestal virgin, men actually seem to prefer a woman who knows her way around the house, garden, kids, life and – of course – the bedroom. They aren’t looking for the mummy thing either. Mature women seem to be more experienced in all aspects of living and for lots of men, that’s a big turn-on.
Another thing is, the older women generally doesn’t have time to stalk men either. They have a life filled with responsibilities and the last thing on their mind would be to hunt down Mr. X from Saturday night, text or call continuously and basically turns a one-night stand into a 3-month stalk! Of course not all younger women do this, but they generally have more time on their hands and for some players out there, that’s a scary thought.
Now the older women I’m talking about aren’t the ones you’re likely to see on Bogan Hunter either. Sorry ladies. Men like older women who are self-sufficient, self-reliant and who respect themselves. By that I mean the ones who won’t drink the bar dry, dress to impress rather than look like they are ready to perform at a strip club or get paid at the end of the evening, know how to hold a conversation, are comfortable with who they are, generally don’t have body image issues, have read a few books rather than the latest copy of Dolly and especially the ones who ooze confidence. The number one tip for all the ladies out there; a confident woman is a sexy one!
Don’t mistake confidence with sleaze or desperation though. Men still like to be men, regardless of their age and go on the hunt. If you throw yourself at them, there’s no thrill of the chase. Most men would figure that if you are throwing it out there for them, you have probably thrown it out there for everyone. Feminism might have made some mighty shifts, but the psyche of men in their quest for a mate, certainly isn’t one of them! You might be hot, but you will still need to play the game.
All that being said, if you are single and have the qualities discussed above, plus have a little mileage on the old clock, you my dear are a hot commodity. Don’t think for a second you aren’t as sexy as you were 20 years ago. In the eyes of many men you are like a fine wine and have gotten better with age. Next time you head out for a night out, slip on a mix of sophistication and sexy and violâ, you’ll be beating men of all ages off with a stick and remember you can afford to be fussy.
Image via i2.wp.com/www.verysorry.gr