Couples-advice

What Are Sex Contracts And Do You Need One?

Now, I don’t know who came up with the term “sex contract” but they really should have rethought the wording. Great concept – but the term “contract” can destroy the intimacy it can bring to a relationship. Nevertheless, if you value your sex life or would like to improve it, you need to sit down with your partner and draw one up. It’s very different to a sexual consent contract which people get casual partners to sign to ensure they aren’t later charged with rape.

The main purpose of the sex contract is to get people communicating about their sexual behavior, desires and boundaries with their partner. It’s an excellent way to explore and negotiate all types of sexual activity you want to try, builds intimacy and trust; plus it can include things like what constitutes infidelity and anything else of a sexual nature.

They’ve become increasingly popular since 50 Shades of Grey was published a few years ago and sex therapists are using them as a tool to get couples back on track. Even if you have a great sex life, it’s a bit like having sexual insurance if problems arise within your relationship. Having a forum to talk about sex provides an opportunity to discuss it, rather than dealing with the problem in isolation or withdrawing from your partner.

Having discussed the benefits, we explore the how to initiate a contract and investigate the types of things to include.

Initiation

Even initiating a sex contract is a positive exercise. It shows your partner that you value your sexual relationship, want to protect it and make it even better. For some people, wanting to create one and actually doing so maybe a bit awkward. How and when do you bring it up? Before sex, after sex, at the dinner table?

Just like any other discussion you need to pick the right time to talk about it. In this case, you want to talk about your sexuality and sex life, so a perfect time would be when the two of you are in bed and have pillow talk. Be aware of how you word things. Like I mentioned previously, the word “contract” sounds cold and formal. You also want to get across this something you want to do, rather than turn it into a proposal.

Below are two examples. The first is a poor way to introduce it and the second is a better alternative.

  • “Hey babe, have you ever heard about this thing called a sex contract? Couples talk about their sex lives together and make up a contract. Would you consider doing something like that?
  • “Hey babe, I read about this thing where couples talk about their sex life together and make up like a list of do’s and don’ts. They include all sorts of sex related things in it. I’d love to do something like with you. ”

Can you see the difference? The first invites your partner to put an end to the discussion, whereas the second makes a statement of what you want. Wording things correctly is really important, particularly if you want something from your partner which may make them feel uncomfortable. Keep that in mind when you negotiate items on your list!

Contract Inclusions

Now, a sex contract is solely between the two people who create it. Therefore, what you include is up to you. Below is a list of things for you to consider:

  • Quantity of sex
  • Sex dates
  • Sex holidays
  • Foreplay
  • Turn-ons and turn-off
  • Non-intercourse activities (eg. erotic massage)
  • Sexual language
  • Sexual positions
  • Sexual research and experimentation
  • Aphrodisiacs
  • Sex toys and porn
  • Clothing
  • Spending on sex products
  • Sexual function and health
  • Lack of desire
  • Contraception
  • Pregnancy
  • Sexual boundaries
  • Compromising
  • Relationship boundaries
  • Infidelity – foundation and consequences
  • Talk about emotions; including guilt, shame, trust, respect, discretion, privacy
  • Contact with ex-partners
  • Friends of the opposite sex
  • Revisions to the contract

As you can see, a sex contract should include way more than depth than quantity and positions. It’s a tool to be able to communicate about sex with your partner, make it better and fix issues as they arise (or don’t, pardon the pun). Couples who can talk about sex have a much greater chance of working through issues which leads to a better, stronger relationship overall.

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November 18, 2014

4 Essential Sex Toys For Better Sex

Couples of all ages can boost their love life with some sex toys and aids. It not only makes sex more interesting but will  improve the experience for both partners. After a review of the most essential items, we’ve come up with 4 must have products which will improve sex for everyone.

Dual-stimulating vibrators

These little contraptions are a great invention for couples. There are some different types but the most effective variety fits inside the vagina, stimulating the clitoris and follows the shape of the woman’s body to rest on the labia. They have been designed to please both partners during intercourse, both in and out of water. Most have been created to stay in place, despite the thrusting motion which occurs during intercourse. Some are better than others, so check out different types before you make a purchase.

we vibe

Penis pumps

Penis pumps and cock rings are often used together. Firstly, penis pumps work like a vacuum and can improve an erection; making it larger (longer and wider) and last longer. There are air and water designed pumps available and some claim to increase penis size, considerably, when used frequently. They can be used when an erection is difficult to achieve or to improve the size and duration of an erection.

penis pump

Cock rings

Cock rings also improve performance. They are placed over the penis prior to it being erect and positioned to prolong the erection. There are heaps of different varieties; from single to multiple rings, vibrating or non-vibrating, made from different materials, glow in the dark, reusable or disposable and now they even come in various shapes. They are the ultimate little device, which can even be bought from some restroom, vending machines if you want to try them out.

4 essential sex toys for every couple

Lubes and gels

Sexual lubricants are considered sex aids, rather than toys. They are available in a huge range of places including supermarkets, service stations, pharmacies, etc. There is both edible and non-edible varieties, plus new technology have developed some which provide a different sensation, when used singularly and combined. For example, the man will experience a warming sensation, while his partner will experience tingling.

For mature couples, lubes and gels are essential, as bodily fluids reduce with age particularly for menopausal and post-menopausal women. They are also exceptionally useful to use with other sex toys. If lubrication isn’t an issue, try them out anyway and play around with different types. They aren’t expensive and are great to have in your bedside table.

personal lubricant

As you can see, sex toys are way more than vibrators and you don’t have to dive into the S&M real, to improve your sex life. Although, after Fifty Shades of Gray, bondage isn’t considered that kinky anymore. There are plenty of couples ready to give handcuffs a go!

There is, of course, a massive range available for those who are more adventurous. With new products continuously being developed, a trip or click to the adult shop is well worth another look.

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October 15, 2014

Ditch Date Nerves For Good

Ever gone on a dinner date with some hottie and been totally struck down with a bad case of nerves? Yep, you know what I’m talking about. That awkward silence. It’s just the two of you, face to face, with nothing to say. Rather than reaching for that extra glass of alcohol, here’s a few tips on how to start a conversation and get those nerves back in check.

Conversation starters

Rather than talking about yourself, which can be a total turn off, particularly when it dominates the conversation; ask them some questions about themselves. For example, how they chose their career, what hobbies they might have and what interests them, if they are close with their family, do they have a particular place they like to go or any travel they’ve done or have planned. There’s always something you don’t know about a new love interest. Dinner dates give you both the perfect opportunity to get to know each other better.

The trick to reducing those date jitters is being able to start the conversation. Using open-ended questions is the key. These are the types of things you ask someone, which require more than a one or two word response. Close-ended questions can be a barrier to communicating, especially when you’re a bit nervous. Here’s a few of examples of both so you can appreciate the difference.

Close-ended questions

“I know you’ve been working at (wherever they work) for a while. Do you like working there?”

“ It’s a nice change to get dressed up and go somewhere different. Thanks for bringing me here. Have you been here before?”

“You said that you like the footy. Do you play or like to go and watch?”

Open-ended questions

“I know you’ve been working at (wherever they work) for a while. How did you end up working there?”

“It’s a nice change to get dressed up and go somewhere different. Thanks for bringing me here. What made you choose this place?”

“You said before that you like the footy, but I’m not sure if you play or like to go to games. I’d really like to hear more about that?

As you can see, the first set of questions can be answered with a single word response; while the second set opens the opportunity to begin a conversation. Listen to what your date has to say and you can build on the conversation, using more open-ended questions. This will keep the conversation flowing. Asking closed ended questions is okay once the conversation has begun.

There is an art to effective communication. Remember, if you are nervous, chances are your date is as well. Increasing your ability to communicate effectively will ease the nerves for you both and will result in an exceptionally enjoyable and successful date.

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October 8, 2014