I took a masturbation workshop and learned to see my body in a whole new light.
I’ve been married for eight years, and with my partner for 17 years.
Most men’s mags are filled with images of women in sexy lingerie, right? Wrong! Sure, some mags are all about the images but, if you take a sneak peek to see what men are really reading about and looking at, you may get a startling surprise. It seems some men are reading up on ways to become better lovers and partners.
What fabulous news for the ladies! Some mags go into detail about how foreplay is essential for women to achieve orgasm, what positions are better for women, how and where to find the elusive G spot, ways to make sex last longer – the list of how to improve the sexual experience for women is endless.
Who knew? It’s not all about T and A, as many women believe. Then there’s also heaps of news, interviews, cartoons, comedy, jokes, sports commentary, heath and fitness, nutrition, entertainment guides, technology, cinema and gaming reviews, finance, fashion and grooming advice; plus sexual health – men’s and women’s.
Even mags like Playboy and Ralph seem to contain far more information than most women would anticipate. So, next time you find a men’s mag in your man’s bathroom or on his web history, don’t panic. The age-old excuse of “I’m just reading it for the articles” just might be the case and can be totally beneficial for you and your relationship.
This made me think about the differences between what women are reading, compared to men. Take SHESAID, for example. How many articles have you seen about how to give your man the ultimate sexual experience? Something like a step-by-step guide teaching women how to perform oral sex. Uh, none! Why is that?
Is it because women think they know what they’re doing in the bedroom and beyond; are men easier to please, sexually, than women; do they find other stuff more interesting; or more importantly, is it just not being published? Would women like to know more about how the male body works and how to make your man’s toes curl?
Judging by the response to articles on SHESAID about improving a couples sex life, the use of sex toys, different positions, etc; women probably would like to know more, about how to wow their partner. Men are obviously reading up on it, so why shouldn’t the ladies?
So, if you what to know more about how to perform an erotic massage, strip tease or pole dance; stick with us! Great sex is something couples should both work toward. As they say, variety is the spice of life; so we are going to get busy! Plus, if there’s anything else you want more info on, tell us! We always love to hear from our audience.
Image via http://www.teachmedia.org
Let’s talk about sex! At a recent #SexUncovered event, Dr Ginni Mansberg, host of the new show Embarrassing Bodies Down Under, and sex therapist Dr Margaret Redelman, answered everything you’ve always wanted to know about sex, but were too afraid to ask.
How often does a ‘regular’ couple have sex?
“Almost everyone wants a figure, or ‘target’, when they come to see me. For younger couples, averaging 2-3 times a week is probably a good amount, while for older couples it might more realistically be 1-2 times a week or fortnight. However, the critical factors are probably the longevity of the relationship and the happiness quotient of the couple,” says Dr Margaret Redelman.
What’s the ‘normal’ length of time before a women climaxes?
“There is no such thing as ‘normal’, but there are some averages. A lot depends on what’s happening in people’s lives and their relationship, the motivation for their love making at that time and their physical surroundings,” Dr Ginni Mansberg reminds.
“Women need on average 20 minutes of foreplay before penetration,” said Dr Redelman.
“But remember, not all women want this all the time. A quickie without orgasm can sometimes be as much fun as a long session with orgasm,” said Dr Redelman.
Does the ‘g-spot’ actually exist and does every woman have one?
“No, it’s actually a bit of a fantasy. There has been some research to suggest that there is a section of the vagina – around two thirds of the way up on the front wall – that if touched can result in intense sexual pleasure, but it’s inconsistent,” says Dr Ginni Mansberg.
Dr Margaret Redelman agrees: “I don’t think the ‘g-spot’ exists. There is a ‘g-spot’ area where there is a small plexis of nerves with increased sensitivity. In the same way as the fact that no two clitorises are the same, some women seem to have this area and some women don’t.”
How common is it for men ‘not to come’ and what causes this during sex?
“Some men have a high threshold for orgasm. There can also be emotional and physiological challenges for some men in ejaculating with age, disease and medication. Some medical conditions can impact ability to climax, for example, diabetes can effect nerve supply that impacts stimulus, while some medications inhibit ejaculation. There will be some men who are inhibited because of psychological makeup, family of origin issues, past sexual experiences and current relationship issues such as anger and pregnancy fears.
As men get older some men can have trouble if their partner has vaginal laxity and the penis is not getting enough stimulation. As men age, however, some find they don’t need to ejaculate every time they make love. They can find lovemaking to be emotionally satisfying without having to ejaculate,” says Dr Redelman.
How can couples keep things fresh in the bedroom after being together for a while? What should you say if you want something different?
Says Dr Margaret Redelman: “If your partner’s not meeting your sexual needs, say something sooner rather than later. The longer you take to say something the harder it will be to change, and the more hurt your partner could be. Say something with empathy and warmth, but say it!
The most important thing is not to accuse, or say they’re a bad lover. Talk about yourself and your needs and working together to be great in bed together. In a new relationship people are often shy to say things, but if you let it stay for a long time there will be repercussions for the long term sexual relationship.”
Says Dr Ginni Mansberg: “Good communication. Good communication. Good communication. Make it positive. If your partner hears ‘I want to spice things up’ they can read it wrong and turn off if it seems like an accusation. If it’s wanting to return to the rockstar sex of the past, and saying ‘I love you, let’s do it together, what about trying something different together’ you can have a great time.
Make sure your partner feels attractive. If it’s said in a positive way it can be very exciting, but otherwise it can sound negative or accusatory. Sometimes it can be a very simple change. If a woman can’t orgasm through penis-vagina sex, what if she said ‘maybe you could rub my clitoris while having sex?’
When suggesting something new, make sure your partner hears: ‘I love you. I want you’.”
How do you speak with your partner if they’re experiencing sexual dysfunction?
Dr Ginni Mansberg: “Definitely don’t ignore it. Don’t point the finger or blame, approach these types of problems as a team. Speak as ‘we’ and about what ‘we can do.’
Studies have shown that premature ejaculation (PE) is the most common form of male sexual dysfunction.
Having treatments that really work has changed the landscape completely. It is now a mainstream, medical situation where there is safe help available. We can now sort this out. Whether the man comes to a doctor’s appointment together with his partner, or alone, the main issue is ensuring that men feel supported and there is open communication.
Men, go to the doctor!”
Dr Margaret Redelman: “If you aren’t sure what is ‘normal’, or are confused about what’s happening, get some background education for yourself, raise it with your doctor or go online. One resource, including an online self-assessment for PE is controlPE.com.au, which has been created by Menarini.
You should definitely address any problems with your partner – and sooner rather than later – with a three-step process:
- Say something nice. Most people, in their anxiety, rush to say what they want and forget this step. Validating or acknowledging the partner’s feelings will open them up to hearing the dialogue better. Remember, you’re talking to someone you love! Let them know it.
- Offer neutral observation and what is happening to/for you. Don’t judge or accuse them. Give them information about your experience of the situation using the words “I”.
- Tell them what you want or your ideas on next steps which you think may help you. Ask them if they’re open to exploring ‘what we can do together…’ Ask them for their input or suggestions.”
What’s the most common reason couples attend sex therapy?
Dr Margaret Redelman: “The most common reason why couples come to me together is a discrepancy in sexual desire, that is, different libido levels. There are stereotypes in the community that men want to do it all the time and women are feigning headaches, but in approximately one third of the couples I see clinically, it is the woman who has the higher libido.”
Are pelvic floor exercises the best thing to improve the sexual experience for a woman?
“Pelvic floor exercises are critical for women and also important for men to do. They can improve the sexual experience for both men and women.
For women, the stronger your pelvic floor the better your orgasms will be. If she’s below a certain strength she won’t be able to have an orgasm and if it’s above a certain strength there’s potential to be multi- orgasmic.
Walking upright puts tremendous pressure on our pelvic floor muscles, so as we age and after kids we have reduced pelvic floor strength. So to maintain orgasmic potential over time it is very important to exercise your pelvic floor,” says Dr Margaret Redelman.
Does the contraceptive pill lower libido?
“It certainly can, particularly pills that reduce testosterone. If you have low testosterone already, some pills can definitely send libido into hibernation.
Libido is impacted by a lot of things, and sometimes women do miss-attribute their changes to different things.
If your libido takes a dive, look at what’s happening in your relationship or the stress in your life. Stress shuts down your ovulation, which in some ways can be your body protecting you,” says Dr Ginni Mansberg.
What sex questions do you want answered? Let us know in the comments and we’ll get them answered!
What’s your preference in the bedroom? A mind-blowing orgasm? Or settling under the covers with a nice, challenging crossword? If the good folk at the State University of New Jersey have their facts straight – it seems orgasms are more beneficial for your brain than crossword puzzles.
Tat O’Per couldn’t agree more. The Sydney author, psychologist, counsellor and therapist has documented her findings on men’s and women’s sexual energy for her book The Orgasmic Effect.
A firm believer in how sexual energy can benefit your emotional, physical, and mental health, Tat reveals what every woman needs to know about men; how to channel sexual energy into having a successful business, career and life plan as well as how to keep the passion alive in the face of the mundane, daily grind – and most importantly, tips on how to keep your man from straying. Pretty sure a crossword puzzle won’t help you there.
What do you do as a life coach?
I teach people how to harmonise emotions, by connecting to their body intelligence. I employ my psychology background with my intuitive abilities to enable each one to go to their next step where ever they are on their path.
My studies of religions, including Buddhism, Hinduism, Theosophy, Catholic studies and Yoga, have given me insights and understanding into the human soul and the realisation that there is no religion higher than truth.
This has led me to gain inner strength and inner peace and is a platform from which I teach. I have developed a Life Balance and Relaxation program with techniques to incorporate mind – body rejuvenation. And a seminar “Using Sexual Energy in your every day life”.
How did your work as a counsellor and therapist lead you down this path?
I have always wanted to write about energy, as I felt that there is a missing link to combining it all. People either teach about health, or fitness, wellness programs and healing all separately. Sex is never discussed or the wrong connotations are associated with it, it’s the main topic in movies.
Sexual energy is not really known about on its own, so I decided to combine it when I began to notice how lack of self esteem, was a huge issue with men who brought it into every session when addressing their issues. A common denominator always played a role. I began to document my findings until I realized I needed to write this as a book, to inform everyone of this common problem that interferes with men’s health, and wellbeing and for all of our personal relationships, men and women.
Who is the book aimed at?
Sexual energy is a common factor to both men and women, so I address both men and women. It encompasses techniques and exercises that refer to both and is a great reference book to reference any part of topics you may be interested in. I have made the table of contents accessible by dividing it up for this reason that you can look up any part rather than searching through the chapters.
What are the main things women can learn from your book?
What men don’t want women to know about them and what every women needs to know about men. When a woman learns about that, she is more in control of herself and her relationship on a daily basis.
Women can learn what turns a man on, and why they go seeking sexual relief from outside, and how to prevent this from happening.
How orgasms really work. How to keep their man in order for their man not to go astray. How to recognise baggage we carry so we can be responsible for our own energy rather than dump it on our partner. It opens up for women how to be more aware about the dynamics of their relationship with their man, and the signs to watch for to keep a healthy balanced partnership on track.
How do you define ‘sexual energy’?
Sexual energy is the most powerful tool in existence and is the driving force within us that makes a man do anything. All great men of genius and power used their sex drive as fuel. Love must be included in the sex relationship as sex, alone, is a powerful force and can be uncontrollable. Transmutation of sexual energy is the key to turning sexual energy into productivity, creation, invention and accomplishment. Creativity, advancement, and achievement are the most long term satisfying goals for mankind. When the emotion of love begins to mix itself with the emotion of sex, the result is calmness of purpose, poise, accuracy of judgement, balance, and most of expansion of our true self.
How does sexual energy benefit your emotional, physical and mental health?
The benefits of sexual energy for our emotional and mental health is when you recognise that we have to transform our sexual energy into fuel for something else. Masturbating frequently drains vital physical energy from you. You can see vast, positive changes in mood, personality and happiness by giving this up. The greatest benefit is to have love in your sexual relationship which becomes key to any successful partnership both home and business.
Does sexual energy benefit men and women differently?
Sexual energy is our power energy, this applies to both men and women. We can consciously use our sexual desire and energy and focus it into our business and life plan. Women initially seek to have children and use their sexual energy for nurturing the growing family. Or if she chooses career over family, as long as she has a supportive loving partner, her business can really take off significantly.
Sexual energy is damn near limitless and when re-directed can turn any man or woman into a money making machine.
A good woman who will take care of her man’s needs (not just sexual) – will free his mind from having to even think about these things and he can focus completely on his goal at hand. The love and support of a woman is essential for success – most successful men had a good woman behind the scenes. This rule applies to both men and women in business.
Can you ‘tap into’ your sexual energy at any time?
Tapping into our sexual energy is easily done with meditation a few times a week, also with balanced exercise routine, reviving yourself in nature, and harmonising the body with breathing exercises. I also list exercises in my book on stroking different parts of the body using a love energy that is different to masturbation energy.
How can we improve our sexual energy?
Improving sexual energy is not to indiscriminately have sex. Don’t make sex your primary goal. Don’t masturbate or watch internet porn frequently, this drains vital energy from you. Keeping your seed develops an animal magnetism that draws people to you, constantly spilling that seed repulses people. The key purpose of my book is to draw attention to the beneficial ways that transforming sexual energy actually boosts your health and quality of your relationships. As positive relationships are the major factor that bring happiness.
What are your top tips for women wanting to keep their man interested and not straying?
Remember to thank him for the little things he does around the house. Give him a foot or head massage when he comes home and looks tired. Don’t avoid sexual innuendo’s just ask If he’d like a neck to shoulder massage, as he might just want a relief from tension. Men don’t realize that realising tension is not necessarily from the genitals only, so when he reaches for a quickie ask him if he’d like to have a head massage.
Arrange to take turns to give one another oral. If he is insisting on a quickie, ask yourself if you’d prefer to give him a quickie or if you really don’t mind another woman doing this for your man. If you love your man then a quickie is something part of your relationship that you want to maintain.
How can couples reignite the passion in their relationship? What are some of your top tips?
Reigniting sexual energy does not happen just by going away for the weekend, engaging in some on going activity is what keeps the energy flowing. Activities that bring you pleasure like, ice hockey, ice skating, salsa or ballroom dancing, jazz, hip-hop. Outdoor sporting activity with your sons, bush walking or yoga for yourself. Activities raise sexual energy and actually release negative patterns that come up in our daily life. Try giving one another a regular sensual massage every so often. Celebrate with any occasion by cooking dinner and spoiling your partner with buying special treats, spoilt her/him. Sexual energy is stimulated from the heart and being
consciously aware of it raises your sexual energy energising you body in these simple ways. DVDs on sexual play can work for some people, and even going to week end retreats on exploring your sexual energy, especially when you are both looking
forward to it.
Once you’ve reignited the passion – how do you ensure it doesn’t wane again?
Get into a good habit of having one day of the week where one will give the other what s/he really wants from their partner. It could be just a really good massage, or shoulder, neck or head massage. It could be a sensual massage that ends in some erotica.
Another good habit to get into is to score points, or exchange good deeds, like X3 dishes in a row will give you a shoulder neck and head massage. Washing the car could be exchanged for cooking a nice meal, it pays to be inventive. You can easily come up with some fun scoring ideas. Always look out for going for drives, walks in the forest, country markets together, playing golf or tennis together maybe once a month. Scanning what short holidays may be on offer for things like share accommodation.
What are your top tips for shy folk to discover and act upon what their partners really want?
Going for drives, stopping when on a walk and having a cuddle. Cuddling on the beach or cinema. Making outdoor picnics an intimate affair where its special for just the two of you, so you can become more relaxed with one another and have scope to talk and chat about some fantasy that your partner could be fantasising about and not being brave enough to articulate.
The Orgasmic Effect by Tat O’Per, $27.99 available at Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Balboa Press.
Today is International Female Orgasm Day, so we’re sharing some expert sex tips on how to achieve the big ‘O’!
The day was founded in 2011 by a Brazilian politician who felt he had a sexual debt to his wife and wanted to dedicate an entire day to paying it off! Sex expert Christina Spaccavento from My Little Black Book, an Australian website dedicated to help sexually empower women, shares her best orgasm tips.
In our modern day world where we often strive to have it all we can easily fill our time without even considering our sexual expression. Stress is one of the biggest villains when it comes to feeling sexy – stress kills desire! It isn’t realistic to expect yourself to be ready for sex (alone or with a partner) if you are not feeling turned on. There are however, a few things you can do to consciously get into the mood:
1. Allow yourself to think sexy thoughts. If you see someone sexy walking down the street and feel a pang of arousal, don’t shut it down, allow yourself to appreciate and enjoy it. Remember hearing those anecdotal quotes about men thinking about sex ever 3 minutes and always wanting it? Well, this actually makes sense. If you’re thinking about sex all day, of course you’re going to be hot and ready for sex by the time you get back home from work.
2. Remember your sexual fantasies and actively reconnect with them using visualisation.
3. Explore new sexual fantasies. You may want to use some erotic literature or view erotic film to help get your imagination going. There is such a diverse choice to choose from, so if you don’t hit the nail on the head on the head the first time, don’t worry, just try something else util you find what works for you.
4. Do things to feel sexy such as dressing in sexy clothes, having a hot bath, or using essential oils to give yourself a sensual massage. Take the time out to nurture your sexual self in whatever form that takes.
5. Do a sexual meditation that not only relaxes your body and mind but also focuses you on sex. You may want to bring your attention to different parts of your body that become sexually activated and energised. These simple exercises assist your brain and genitalia to connect and create sexual desire and arousal.
It’s very important to become aware of what is it that you want, what makes you feel good, and what turns you on. And if you don’t know what these are, start exploring! Discovering what your sexual needs are, and then actually acting and fulfilling them can in itself be a fun and fulfilling activity.