Popping pills shouldn’t boost bedroom thrills.
Women generally aren’t comfortable talking about self-pleasure. Yes, I’m talking about masturbation, but it’s so much more than that. It involves being in control and exploring our own physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual and sexual needs. Many women don’t prioritise or give themselves permission to experience it.
Men have this naturally inbuilt and more importantly, self-pleasure is approved and encouraged by society. They participate and watch a range of sports and leisure activities, create private spaces for themselves like “man caves” and are given permission to sexually explore their own bodies and be sexual beings.
Despite women sharing this need most will need to teach themselves. Society has taken a strong position about women experiencing self-pleasure. Our mothers and the generations before them weren’t taught and many never experienced it. Their entire lives were based on the premise that they were born to serve and satisfy others.
Modern women need to learn about self-pleasure and pass this knowledge down to the next generation. We need to encourage them to fully explore themselves and open themselves up to life’s possibilities. Hopefully generations to come will be educated and empowered, encouraging self-pleasure to be approved by society, regardless of gender.
So, to start with, many women neglect self-pleasure by simply not allowing themselves alone or quiet time. This should be an essential part of each day. Concentrate on your breathing and heartbeat, allow thoughts to flow through your mind like clouds being swept away by the wind. Allowing yourself this time steadies, calms and rejuvenates the body, mind and spirit.
Women should also create a space as their our own private sanctuary. When we need alone time we need to give ourselves permission to go there and breathe in the peace and stillness. The experience should be similar to taking a nice, long, uninterrupted bath with no technology or other distractions.
Another element of self -pleasure is doing simple things for yourself. Women are instinctive nurturers and often this takes preference over caring for themselves. To achieve it, it can be as simple as taking time to read or going out into the garden with a cuppa and literally taking time to smell the roses.
Then there’s the element of physical self-pleasure. This includes touch and masturbation. We need to learn about how our bodies and brains work and offer ourselves permission to explore our sexual thoughts, fantasies, wants and desires. We should know what body parts react to what types of touch, what we like and what turns us on. Most importantly, women need to ignore society’s condemnation concerning their sexual and erotic self and lead a charge into a new and improved way of thinking.
This change of mindset is urgently required. Currently, many male partners feel responsible for their ladies sexual pleasure. In reality, they aren’t. Women should know how to bring themselves to orgasm, be fully in control of their sexuality and remove sexual pressure from their partners.
This shift will empower women and take sexual pressure off men to “perform”. Sex should be about experience, not performance. Women should be responsible for their own sexual gratification and self-pleasure will help them achieve this. This will level the equilibrium that women aren’t responsible for their sexual satisfaction and that men’s sexual experience be based on performance.
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The short answer is YES! Although Feminism has made major advancements for women, female sexuality has been staggeringly left behind. The double standard of slut vs stud is still thriving. The question we should all be asking ourselves is why?
As little girls, most are taught that their virginity is like a precious commodity, to be saved and savoured, only to be “given away” to the most deserving candidate. Boys, on the other hand, are encouraged to rid themselves of their virginity to the first willing participant. This is true of most cultures and some are extreme. They still kill young girls, who they believe bring shame on their family, due to attitudes and behaviours involving sexual activity. Plus other women, including their mothers, condone this barbaric practice.
It seems time and changes in womens roles haven’t changed this situation. Females are still being persecuted for their sexual behaviour; such as choosing prostitution as a career or having sex with multiple partners. The divide between male and female sexuality is still enormous.
It all comes down to attitudes of women. When women put other women down, they look to their sexual behaviour, amongst other things, to do it. Each time women refer to each other as sluts, whores, tramps or other derogatory names, they are keeping womens sexuality stagnant.
In doing this, they are actually promoting the opinion and belief, that female sexuality should remain in the closet. Men, on the other hand, encourage each others sexual behaviour. They use words, such as those above, as congratulatory, rather than derogatory.
You might be asking yourself, why would women choose to do this? The simple answer is; they aren’t even aware of it. This is what has been taught, like traditional folk law of what is acceptable behaviour for women. We keep each others sexual behaviour in check and anyone behaving outside of what is deemed “acceptable” is belittled, ridiculed and condemned. Mothers teach their daughters to keep their legs shut, if they have any sort of self respect.
Men don’t to do that. Why? Quite simply, because they haven’t been taught by generations before them, that they should discourage each others sexual behaviour. Fathers teach their sons to go and have sex with as many women as possible, but they aren’t the ones you marry. In many cases, this is strongly supported by their mothers.
This divide has been centuries in the making, so no wonder it’s one of the last frontiers of female advancement. Throughout time, women have been bred to believe, we aren’t as sexually inclined as males. This is despite the fact that the sex toy industry is booming and the greatest sales are sex toys, specifically designed for women. Obviously, women are also wanting sex, so something is amiss.
The only way to change it is for women to change their attitudes toward their own sexuality and stop belittling and putting down the sexual choices of other women. If it’s ok for men to be sexually active, why not women?
By Kim Chartres
It’s a myth that women’s sex drives don’t equal that of men and, in many cases, actually even exceed it. Centuries of cultural conditioning and suppression has seen to it that the double standard of slut vs stud is still alive and well. To make matters worse, many women support this value. They would be more comfortable labelling other women who openly admit their sexual behaviour, rather than standing up and acknowledging their own.
Not only that, as a result of this widespread disbelief, men can feel emasculated by women with sexual appetites greater than their own. It goes against societal expectations of the submissive female and promiscuous male. Some women assume that men who have partners with equal or greater sexual appetites, would love it. However, for many men, it can be a turn-off when they aren’t the ones who consistently initiate sex.
Women aged in their late-30s to 50s are at greatest risk of being labelled. We’ve all heard the term “cougar” right? Research indicates women in this age group are wanting more sex than at any other time of their lives. The problem is, just when they want more sex, their partners – who are often a similar age – have a sex drive that begins to slide. Women of this age are much more sexually compatible with younger men.
So where did the myth come from?
According to a leader in female sexuality, sexual functioning and gender differences, Associate Professor Meredith Chivers, male and female bodies respond equally to sexual stimuli. Chivers and colleagues, conducted a study to assess the level of arousal in both men and women, while listening to narratives describing conventional sexual activity. Using apparatus, affixed to subjects genitals, levels of arousal were scientifically measured. Results indicated, that biologically both sexes responded similarly.
When asked to self-report their level of arousal, men’s biological reactions matched their self-reports. However, womens self-reports didn’t. The researchers believed this was predominately a result of social conditioning, and not that women weren’t aware they experienced sexual arousal. Self-report “evidence” on women’s sexuality, would therefore be flawed if women neglect to report accurately.
Where to from here
Society would need to do a 180 shift, where women’s sexual experiences are celebrated as much as mens. Lets face it; if women are quick to label other women, we don’t have much hope of that. It’s up to women to initiate the drop in double standards if we want our daughters to get anywhere close to being understood as sexual beings. Until then, no amount of research will convince the masses, that women are sexually similar to men.
By Kim Chartres