Funny-stories

Weekend Wit: The Wonderful World Of Selfies

Love ’em or hate ’em, it looks like selfies are here to stay. Anyone with a mobile phone can happily snap their every move these days, whether that be out for drinks, at the gym, or on the toilet. Seriously, we’ve all seen our friends post pics that let us into their secret life at home alone. Never before has photography been so damn popular!

RELATED Weekend Wit: Common Sense At Its Most Bizarre

Now, some of us think we’re pretty good at taking selfies. There are even competitions to enter into such as the Selfie Olympics – we kid you not. So, with all this going on it’s not so unusual there would be a few fails, right? Absolutley – and it really is amusing just where, when, how and why people are happily snapping away! Here are a few of favourite #selfiefails:

Tip 1: If you are going to go as far as to photoshop your selfie, check to see if you’ve got it right. Instead, this women has photoshoped her way into making herself look like a vain fool!

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Tip 2: When taking a selfie don’t turn your back on oncoming traffic – particularly if that traffic is a train.

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Tip 3: When running with the bulls in Pamplona, one should always capture the excitement! However, one must also be aware that there may be consequences.

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Tip 4: When taking a selfie, present yourself in a way which an employer won’t reject you if you ever attend an interview. As they say: once on the internet, ALWAYS on the internet.

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Tip 5: Just a heads up, other mourners probably won’t appreciate your smiley selfie in front of their dads/cousins/friends coffin at a funeral.

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Tip 6: Food and shelter are still a big priority in third world countries. Donating phones to capture selfies won’t feed a family!

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Tip 7: Sometimes a selfie just won’t capture the intended moment…

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Tip 8: Sexy selfies totally lose their appeal with children present.

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Tip 9: If a women is being attacked in public, it’s not an opportune moment to take a selfie with a big grin on your face.

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Tip 10: Before going under the knife, always collect evidence on who’s preforming your operation.

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Tip 11: If you still have a body which would make men half your age jealous and you’ve mastered technology, you should probably go for it.

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Tip 12: If you are camera shy, you should probably stay away from the selfie craze.

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Tip 13: If you have large man boobs you can actually use them to your advantage to take selfies. Who knew?

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Tip 14: Firefighters should probably focus on fires, not selfies. Just a suggestion.

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Tip 15: When taking a glamour selfie you should always check that you aren’t being photo bombed by large people in underwear.

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Tip 16: If you get up to strange things in private, they should probably stay private. Speaking of private… What is that object on his penis?

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Tip 17: Women with wet crutches shouldn’t sit on men’s shoulders – and men taking selfies shouldn’t look so damn happy about it!

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Tip 18: When taking a selfie in front of a mirror always be aware of what your reflection looks like from behind.

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Tip 19: Taking this sort of selfie can only end up as a fail. He’s either exceptionally well tucked in, or not hiding much behind that phone…

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Tip 20: If you deep throat a banana while at work, it’s probably not the best idea to take a selfie of it. Your colleagues will most likely have cameras and you’ll end up on the internet for all the wrong reasons. Mum will be so proud.

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Tip 21: Looking good beautiful, but it’s probably best to take selfies when you’re OFF the toilet.

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Tip 22: If taking a selfie to look sexy, this probably isn’t the best way to achieve it. Props for getting nanna in on the action though.

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Tip 23: If you must take selfies in the toilet, for God’s sake flush! #EW

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Tip 24: One way to piss off your friends is to take a selfie while they on the toilet. Another way is to position the lens so it captures the pad placed neatly inside their underwear.

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Tip 25: When taking a selfie capture the reaction of bystanders for additional entertainment.

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Tip 26: Now, if there’s 2 dogs humping in the background of your selfie, at least crack a smile.

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Tip 27: Some selfies are best taken only from behind to capture the impression you’re after.

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Tip 28: The final selfie tip for today is to ALWAYS be aware of the roles that shadows play in photography!

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Images via Various Sources

May 30, 2015

Weekend Wit: Common Sense At Its Most Bizarre

Common sense is something we learn as we grow up. However, some people’s thought process’ in certain situations makes me wonder if that’s true. I mean, why do people think their car can fit into a trolley bay, or that climbing a 10 foot ladder balanced on cardboard boxes is safe? The mind really does boggle when we see some of these things.

RELATED Weekend Wit: 9 Ways To Avoid Parenting

Thankfully, since the age of the smartphone, most of us are prepared to forever capture others bending the boundaries of logic – and it does provide us with some amusing entertainment. I’ve sourced a tiny snippet of some of these bizarre behaviours, which i’m sure you’ll be jut as surprised as I was as to how many snapshots and videos there are of people doing crazy or lazy things!

common sense, fails, life, people

Moving debris from the road prior to marking was obviously not in their job description.

common sense, fails, life, people

There’s a few interesting things about this one:

  1. Does the witness watch this nightly news channel and get their eye witness description a little mixed up?
  2. Did producers not notice the similarity?
  3. I wonder how many people called this in as a possible sighting?
  4. Or most importantly, is this presenter the rapist they are searching for?

common sense, fails, life, people

I suppose you can’t do this with a regular jack. Good thinking, man about to be squished under his vehicle.

common sense, fails, life, people

Someone should have explained to poor old grandma that they now make electric kettles.

common sense, fails, life, people

Honestly, is parking really that difficult?

common sense, fails, life, people

Evidence of why some people really shouldn’t reproduce.

common sense, fails, life, people

I suppose it would be difficult moving furniture with a scooter. Ten out of ten for using imagination and initiative to get this difficult job done with resources on hand. I would have added a second helmet for the passenger as an additional safety measure, however.

common sense, fails, life, people

Now, the store would have had to of loaded this vehicle up and no-one thought it was a bad idea…

common sense, fails, life, people

There’s always one pyromaniac sitting around a peaceful camp fire, isn’t there?

common sense, fails, life, people

If this place was located in Australia, I’d guarantee it would quickly get itself a nickname.

common sense, fails, life, people

Some people really do make their lives more difficult than it should be, don’t they?

common sense, fails, life, people

Looks like laziness is highly contagious. Take the stairs, you lazy buggers!

common sense, fails, life, people

They’re obviously not expecting a workplace inspector anytime soon!

common sense, fails, life, people

This wouldn’t be such a bad set up if electricity and water wasn’t so damn deadly. But hey, at least you wouldn’t get dehydrated at your work-space. Ha!

common sense, fails, life, people

Observational learning has obviously failed here.

common sense, fails, life, people

The drive-though: Isn’t is incredible how people will do anything to just stay in their vehicle to make life easier?

common sense, fails, life, people

Now here is a conundrum – does he really want it to work… Like really?

common sense, fails, life, people

This mum is either very strong or the wind gave her a hand to get her toddler so high into the air. Either way, let’s hope she can catch as good as she throws!

common sense, fails, life, people

Male thinking. Sorry fellas, you know it’s true.

common sense, fails, life, people

Besides that fact that her kid’s holding onto a porn DVD, she looks like a pretty regular mum, doesn’t she? Minus the flogging t-shirt. Pity we can’t see the remainder of it…

common sense, fails, life, people

Are they kidding?

common sense, fails, life, people

I guess this is one way to improve strength and balance at the same time. However, I can honestly say that I’ve never seen it done like this before. Also, making the lift would be quite a task. Pity they don’t have a step-by-step guide for others to try it. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to put yourself at risk of busting a knee or breaking your back if it was a highly effective?

Images via Various Sources

May 16, 2015

Weekend Wit: World’s Worst Jobs

I recently came across this funny on Facebook and it prompted me to take a look at the world’s worst jobs – The sort of jobs that you’d need to be paid copious amounts of money to even entertain the thought of doing. Now I’m amazed that some of these jobs even exist. For example, which sadist thought of paying a person to literally watch grass grow or paint dry… 8-12 hours a day? OMG, shoot me now!

RELATED Weekend Wit: The Facebook Phenomenon

That actually doesn’t seem so bad when you consider there are some truly revolting jobs out there. Just think how much would you need to be paid to sniff the flatulence of strangers, especially the old nanas? Have you ever smelled an 80-year-old woman fart? It’s certainly something only a professional flatulence sniffer is trained to handle.

The there the people who swim through raw sewerage. Yuk. Seriously there isn’t enough money on the planet to want that gig. Then there’s people who collect animal semen via manual simulation. Image their resume which got them the job in the first place?

Job title: Professional Animal Ejaculation Collector

Career objective: I’m hoping to work for a progressive company where I can work closely with animals. I have a gentle approach and trust me when I say, your animals will be in good hands.

What about the crime scene cleaners? Are they really just psychopaths trying to hide in plain sight like Dexter? Surly your average cleaner couldn’t cope with that sort of mess, not to mention to the visual or the smell. How would they sleep at night?

Now stop and envisage the meetings where all these jobs would have all been originally proposed. What do you think initial reactions were? “Gee boss, 8 hours a day watching paint dry….what a marvelous idea!” said the brown noser in the corner. Perhaps some of the other staff made a mental note to Google inpatient mental health facilities when they got back to their desks. Clearly their boss has ever so slightly tipped over the edge and lost the plot.

Incredibly there are so many jobs which people do everyday which make the rest of us question….HOW? or perhaps more appropriately WHY? Why would a seemingly normal person decide to start cleaning crime scenes? Why would another be willingly to swim through raw sewerage? The mind really does boggle at what goes on amidst this floating circle we live on and call Earth.

So folks enjoy your weekend off and be thankful you do what you do. All things considered….it really could be a heck of a lot worse!

Image diversityhuman.com

April 18, 2015

Weekend Wit: Signs That Make You Look Twice

Last weeks weekend wit complete with wayward text messages will be hard to beat. I hope you all got a good laugh. I know I did!

RELATED Weekend Wit: Text Fails That Will Have You In Stitches!

This week I’ve sourced some strange and amusing signs from around the globe. Whether or not some people realise it, they too have provided us with yet another form of entertainment.

Funny signs, comedy, wit, laughter

Nice to see they still have hold of their beer.

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I wonder who pays?

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I take it he wasn’t in sales? Or perhaps he was.

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This is just a cruel joke, isn’t it?

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I bet they will.

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Was it the spelling they didn’t want to get wrong?

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Now I reckon this house would probably be a bargain.

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Ouch! What’s the saying about a woman scorned?

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 “Where the word is preached and the people are reached.”

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Sharp elementary school. Very sharp.

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Is this really going to assist water conservation people?

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Ladies, I think you’d agree. No way in hell!

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Sponge Bob… HR specialist.

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Putting fun into falling.

Funny signs, comedy, weekend wit, laughter

The new McRape. I wonder if it comes with a special sauce?

Funny signs, comedy, weekend wit, laughter

Yes Dave, you will be very sadly missed. However we are eager to replace you.

Funny signs, comedy, weekend wit, laughter

“Bartender. I’ll have a beer and keep em comin’. Plus the $5 special. Cheers mate.”

Funny signs, comedy, weekend wit, laughterWTF?

text

How many highly paid professionals approved this billboard? Worth every cent, wasn’t it.

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Now this one is advertising genius! What a great idea to drum up business. I hope they took notice of the words and not just the boobs.

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At least they give you a heads up.

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 Yuk! Bad visual.

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Isn’t it good to see that our tax-payer funds are being well spent?

Images Via Pinterest And Other Random Places On The Internet

March 21, 2015

Weekend Wit: Life As A Non-Drinking Aussie

Life as a non-drinking Aussie isn’t easy. In fact, I’d liken it to trying to remain a virgin in a whore house. Now we all know there’s usually someone keen who’s trying to bed the virgin, right? Well, being a non-drinker when everyone else is drinking can be much the same.

It doesn’t matter what the occasion either. Family gatherings, barbecues, festivals, sporting events – it’s normal Aussie behaviour to have a drink in your hand.

RELATED: Weekend Wit: The drunken proposal

I even ended up at a baptist church picnic and the conversion began. Not the religious variety which I had anticipated either. I went along expecting a dry event and reprieve from the relentless onslaught. Yet out came the bottle of bubbly and wham-o! As I passed my plastic picnic glass along the familiar conversation about my abnormality began.

Now if I wasn’t safe among the God fearing Christians…actually strike that. The monks have always had a hankering for mead. Plus they do drink wine in church. Add the fact they were Australian and thinking back I was being totally naive. What was I thinking?

I should have known that if there’s an excuse to crack a can or pop a cork Aussie’s will generally support it. Look at Australia Day? Even though most people need to return to work the next day it’s no deterrent. Our culture dictates we all want to have fun but it also encourages that we should be drinking to do it.

I recent heard a survey on the radio that stated something like 60% of Victorians don’t drink alcohol to get drunk. So I’m not a total alien after all but that does mean that the remaining 40% are out to have a damn good time! Maybe that’s the populations percentage I’m surrounded by?

Now I’m not against having a drink or dozen if that’s what you wana do. It’s just that I’ve been there done that and don’t feel like drinking anymore. The thing I just don’ get is why a non-drinking Aussie has the capacity to make the drinkers so uncomfortable?

Is it because they’re worried their drunken escapades will end up on social media? From what I’ve witnessed I reckon they’re more than capable of doing that themselves. Isn’t it a fact that some drunken Aussie invented the selfie? Probably not but it shoulda been.

As a sober Aussie among the drinkers I can and do join in the fun but sometimes the different wave lengths are a little annoying. Quite often drunk Aussies aren’t nearly as funny as they think they are. It’s amazing what this lot will laugh at and consider funny.

Thankfully the term designated driver is now a valid excuse for choosing coffee over champaz. I would have hated to be a non-drinking Aussie twenty plus years ago though. Driving wasn’t accepted as a valid excuse to remaining sober. They’re weren’t designated drivers. They just had those who weren’t as wasted as the others and they were thrown the car keys! Imagine the peer pressure back then?

Yeah, life as a sober Aussie isn’t for the faint hearted. For many the more times they say no to a drink the more times it’s offered. (That’s a tip for anyone wanting free alcohol BTW) Mind you us teetotalers do come in handy. Which Aussie on a mission wouldn’t want a willing allocated driver for those occasions hey? Come to think of it I do get invited to a lot of outings. Umm, maybe being a non-drinking Aussie isn’t such a bad thing after all?!

Image via theleader.com.au

February 14, 2015

Weekend Wit: Is Penis Size A Myth?

Is penis size a myth? Hmm, it depends which side of the equation you sit on this. Some say yes it is a myth and others say absolutely not! Penis size does matter, in fact it matters a heck of a lot.

I’d like to say for argument sake and to make men out there feel better by saying that penis size is a big fat urban myth. Just because a man is well endowed it doesn’t automatically qualify said man as being an incredible lover. I know some women out there will be jumping up and down right now, but wait ladies. If you think I’m wrong let me take you for a bit of a journey and provide some proof. Yes there is actual proof!

RELATED: Weekend Wit: The Walk Of Shame

penis size, sex, wit, witty stories, fun, humor, funny stories, penis,

The tradie

Being a tremendous lover is like any other skill that’s acquired. It’s not something men put on their resume or display on their LinkedIn account for all the world to see, but we can agree it’s a skill nonetheless. Tradies also have skills, yeah?

Now, when women hire tradies to fix their cars or something around their homes, they don’t base their selection on the size of the tradies tools now do they? Do they choose a mechanic by the size of the money wrench? Carpenter by the size of the hammer or plumber by the size of a plunger? No they don’t. How bloody bizarre would that be?

Instead they might chat to a few, get a couple of quotes and base their decision on the best quote or the tradie they feel most confident with. See where I’m heading with this? Tool size and skill have no connection people. None. Unless a tradie skillfully knows how to operate their tools, they won’t get the job done properly at all. A man with a hammer does not a carpenter make. Understand?

 penis size, sex, wit, witty stories, humor, funny stories, penis, fun,

Sex toys
Now if penis size was a defining factor to get women off why are there vibrators the size of an index finger? Also, why is this size one of the best selling vibrators and why do manufactorors continue to come up with more colours, designs and so forth? Plus, why wouldn’t the sex toy industry just make all vibrators and dildos the size of a well endowed man or larger, if all that mattered was penis size? Why?

Well I’ll tell you why. Size does not matter. Simple. Plus how on earth would a woman manage to keep a vibrator hidden in her handbag if they were all made based on the myth that bigger is better?

Image for a second a woman rummaging through her handbag as most women are known to do. She’s right in the middle of her favorite busy cafe about to pay for her morning latte. As she’s pulling out her purse out flies one of those extra large vibrators with a strong resemblance to a gigantic penis. OMG can you imagine! Is bigger better now ladies?

These women know that a small discrete bullet sized vibrator will do the job. Plus if the above fore-mentioned scenario did happen most people would think she’s just dropped her lipstick, not her favorite sex toy. She can calmly pick it up, pop it back in her handbag and no-one would be the wiser. I don’t think she could do that with something bigger, do you?

 

It’s what’s attached that counts

Most women would have to agree that what’s attached to the penis far outweighs penis size. If penis size was the only thing that mattered men wouldn’t be covering up. They’d be heading to the nearest plastic surgeon, getting massive implants and parading around their most prized possession.

Much like those women with ridiculously large boob jobs who are known to parade around rich old men like Geoffrey Edelsten, for them to make their breast selection. Oh sorry their wife selection. Clearly these men believe the bigger the better. Hmm, I wonder if that applies to them? OMG what am I saying? Sorry I really don’t wonder. Particularly in these cases I’m very glad men aren’t parading around, penis out!

 penis size, sex, wit, witty stories, humor, funny stories, penis, fun,

Evolution

Lastly, I’m pulling out the big guns and offering scientific proof! If women preferred well endowed men why are there so many men walking around with small penises? Wouldn’t the evolutionary process of natural selection have snuffed them out by now? Think about that one.

Images: huffingtonpost.com, groupon.ca, reddit.com, pintrest.com

February 7, 2015

Weekend Wit: The Art Of Successful Dating

Ever noticed that some of the most important things in life aren’t taught in school or by our folks? Schools teach algebra and where to put a capital letter. Helpful, but irrelevant when it comes to love and learning about life. Parents teach us how to ride a bike, cook and clean (if you’re lucky).  Neither seem to get to the important stuff though. Who teaches us what to do on a date? Expectations during childbirth? Maintaining a long-term relationship? What about raising kids, that’s a biggie. Are we expected to wing that? Apparently so.

Seriously, this stuff is so important, but we all walk around clueless. When we do realize the massive void in our knowledge base and our incapacity to successfully date and reproduce, we jump online for all sorts of info. We basically get our most important education from strangers. So, here’s a little more dating advice from one stranger to another, to add to this weird f###d up world we live in.

Dress nice

Your definition of nice may differ from others so by nice, I mean somewhere between looking for payment at the end of the night and dressing like the local librarian.

Who pays?

If you are on a dinner date, payment happens at the end. Here’s a tip. If you don’t really like the date or want to see them again, pay for your own meal. Nothing screams “you ain’t gettin’ any” like paying for yourself.

Then again, if you are the sort of person who likes free stuff and is ok with hurting others, order the most expensive dish on the menu and get them to pay. When they spend the extra money on fuel to drive you home and swoop in for a goodnight kiss (thinking the date went well), tell them to their face that you don’t want to see them again. You might be a bitch, but least you’ve saved a few dollars and will be a very well feed bitch.

Window shopping

If your date is a window shopper when he’s with you, choose one of two options. The first is to join him in the window shop and catch the eye of some hottie. Walk over to him, introduce yourself and tell them you are with your brother. The hottie will believe it because no self respecting man should window shop on a date. Make sure “your brother” picks up the tab and take his number out of your contact list.

The second optio: You can pick up your things and abandon him. Once again, make sure he pays. I’d recommend you choose the first option though. You actually use him as your wing man and you might be doing his next date a favor. Score one for the girls here! Either way, ditch him. If he doesn’t pay attention to you during a date, he certainly won’t pay attention to you in a relationship.

Sex

Okay ladies, this is where you have power and control. Use it, abuse it and let the poor guy know exactly what he’s in for should the relationship progress and you end up getting married. No use putting out initially and shutting up shop when the rings on ya finger. If you are going to be a frigid wife, then be a frigid date and don’t fool him into thinking he’s got a sex goddess.

Image via https://cdnil1.fiverrcdn.com/photos/1631473/v2_680/dating2.jpg

November 29, 2014

Weekend Wit: Thank God For Man Crèche

Like most women, I love to shop. I like to head to the local mall, strolling from shop to shop; picking up one item and then another to examine it for its value, purpose, fit, texture, durability, style, blah, blah, blah. It’s a process. A long one! Most men, on the other hand, loathe shopping with a passion.

You can see them at the shops, disinterested, with distracted look on their faces, regularly staring down at their watches and we know they’re just wondering how long this hellish experience is going to last. A torturous affair for you both!

It is pretty amusing though, when men spot another masculine soul on the arm of their lady. They too are being led from shop to shop without making a single purchase. When they make eye contact, you can almost hear the conversation going on behind the smile or the grin: “Yeah, I know mate. Hell, isn’t it? I’d rather be doing anything else as well. Yeah, I’m only doing it to get laid too buddy, don’t you worry about that. It’s ok brother, you aren’t alone.”

They pass each other both knowing the sheer agony of their situation. Stuck at the damn mall with the missus. Hour after after of “Do you like this one? Hang on, what about that one? Which one do you like better? Do you mind if we just have a look in here for a minute?” Knowing all too well that they will be there over half an hour. Men at the mall don’t need to say a word. They know what’s in each other’s thoughts. Torture. Utter… Bloody…. Torture! Why was it they agree to tag along? Oh, that’s right. Sex.

Now, not many people are aware, but there is an alternative. You can drive to and from the shops together, but instead of dragging him round the mall, where you know he clearly doesn’t want to be, but has only gone to “please” you; he can go directly to the man crèche. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but inside or very close to most shopping malls lies a pub.

Driving on the way to a large local mall one day, there was a sign outside one of them. It was only weeks before Christmas and the sign said, “We will look after your man, while you go shopping!” Well, the look on my partners face was ecstatic. “Man crèche?” he proposed, smiling from ear to ear as if he’d be stranded in the desert and just discovered water.

So man crèche it was. Oh, thank God! Best shopping expedition either of us have ever had. It’s put a new spin on the word “shopping” that we can both actually enjoy. Him at the “man crèche”, me at the shops – shopping expeditions made in heaven.

Image via c2.staticflickr.com/4/3577/3321835983_12e2f1efa5.jpg

November 22, 2014

Weekend Wit: 10 Tips For The Perfect Wife

If men, in general, wrote up a list of things which resembled the perfect wife, it would probably look something like this, in no particular order – that’s male organisation at work, ladies. If it was a women’s list, well it would be structured in terms of priority (probably in a spreadsheet), but no need to go there.

Tip 1: Learn how to download

There’s not a man alive who doesn’t appreciate a woman who can download content off the internet, especially if it’s their favourite TV show or latest action flick. “Here’s the latest episode of Game of Thrones, hunny” – he’ll be so blown away and won’t even care that you’ve done so illegally and you’re now a “pirate”. Mmm, that might add to the attraction..?

Tip 2: Become a DYI queen

Men loathe having to fix stuff around the house, especially if they do it for a living. So, if you want the gutters cleaned, the lawn mowed, car washed, etc, then DYI ladies!

Tip 3: Encourage his hobbies

So, he’s heading toward 40 and suddenly has an urge to buy that motorbike he’s always wanted or maybe an expensive set of golf clubs to go hang out at the course with his mates. Instead of holding him hostage as you drag him shopping, encourage his hobbies (take out life insurance in the case of the motorbike) and get him out of the house. Now, a great wife would even pack his lunch.

Tip 4: Cook… Often!

That brings us to the next item on the list. It really is true that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It might have something to do with their mothers, who cooked for them and made their favorite meal when they were little boys. Who knows, but feeding him will gain you valuable wife points.

Tip 5: Sex

BJ, HJ, S&M… Enough said. (Probably should have been first on the list, but it is in no particular order, remember!)

Tip 6: Look fabulous

It doesn’t matter if you have the flu, are heavily pregnant carrying his child or tired after a long day at work. Throw away the trackie pants and sloppy tops. You need to look like you’ve just stepped out of the beauty salon. This is especially true when his mates pop over, but be careful not to overdo it. He wants to show you off, not give his mates bait for them to go fishing.

Tip 7: Never say “we need to talk”

All men dread these four little words. They either think that they’ve done something wrong and they are in trouble or you need to talk, in which case they will need to look at least half-interested in whatever you have to say. Either way, there’s nothing in it for them so the perfect wife would never strings these four words together.

Tip 8: Praise him for little things

Men love praise. It doesn’t matter if the only housework he’s managed to do in the past six weeks has been the dishes – at least he did something! A little praise goes a long way. Once again, this probably goes back to their mothers and their childhood, but don’t dare mention that either.

Tip 9: Let him have control the TV remote

What is it with men and the TV remote? It’s a strange phenomenon, isn’t it? Ever wonder what men had hold of before TV was invented. Ok, lets not go there. Anyway, let him have it. If he thinks he’s got an inferred magic power wand. Seriously, what harm can it do? Just as long as he doesn’t aim it at you and press the mute button, it’s all good. (Hey, there’s not a man alive that hasn’t at least thought about it.)

Tip 10: Let him think he’s the boss

Speaking of power, we all know women really run the home. Imagine the state of things if the man was in charge? Two words: bachelor pad! They do like to think they run things, though, so do what good wives do best and don’t remind him about it. You know in your head what’s really going on.

Image via maryloudriedger2.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/the-perfect-wife.jpg

November 15, 2014

Weekend Wit: Men and Menstruation

Men. They really are strange. The way they make decisions, their behavior, what they pay attention to and how they go about things makes the female mind boggle! Take menstruation for example. What is it about women’s periods that freaks them out and has them running for the nearest exit?

For example, if you are chatting on the phone to a friend or have your BFF over for coffee, a sure-fire way to stop any man from eavesdropping on your conversation is to throw in the topic of your menstrual cycle. It’s like female Kryptonite! They’ve overheard the word period and they leave the vicinity faster than Superman on a mission. (Tip: Don’t forget to use this one to your advantage!)

Then there’s buying feminine hygiene products for female partners. This is possibly the one incidence whereby gay men are envied by heterosexual males. If your fella is like most of his comrades, this is the one request he could probably do without.

Yes, he will need to walk into the shop and find his way to the feminine hygiene section. Challenge number one. Once there, he will likely be completely overwhelmed when he is instantly confronted with – a wall of feminine hygiene options. Pure horror for the average bloke. Super, regular, flow related, wings, no wings; all of which he knows nothing about. Challenge number two.

Although preferred products are usually neatly placed in her section of the bathroom cabinet – which is shared and he actually opens each day – he chooses not to see them. This is a man skill learned and passed down through generations with utter perfection. The products are there but the connection between his eyes and brain are severed when it comes to anything related to feminine hygiene. (Tip: This is where to hide your own private collection of sex toys because he’ll never see them!)

Back to challenge number two. Men can go either one of two ways when it comes to selecting tampons for their lady. If a man chooses a super-sized product, he has done so with his anatomy is mind. During the selection process, he has come to the assumption that the size of the tampon reflects how endowed he believes he is. If he can fit inside that vagina, it must need a super-sized tampon. Yes, ladies, that’s the logic!

If the man selects the regular or smaller variety, he has done so with her anatomy in mind. These products have been selected because he wants to believe her lady bits, are too small for super-sized products. The thought of his lady using super-sized tampons is a concept he just doesn’t want to envisage. Once again, male logic at work. How on earth was the wheel or electricity ever invented?

Whatever rationale he uses to make the selection; he then finds his way to the checkout. Challenge number three. Some men feel a bit awkward about this. The big question is why? Everyone knows the product isn’t for him. Not unless he’s hiding a vagina in his pants! Maybe there lies the fear?

Despite all men knowing that women bleed once a month, it’s not something the vast majority want to delve into any further. Why any man would want to become a gynecologist is a pure mystery. Maybe they have a defective male gene, assume women visiting the gynecologist aren’t menstruating or something along those lines. Remember, we are dealing with male logic and decision making, so who knows, and most of these men would say women are strange!

October 25, 2014

Weekend Wit: The Walk Of Shame

The dreaded walk of shame. This person has just snuck out of someone’s home, at 6 am, riddled with self doubt, confusion; possibly a snippet of self loathing. They have a chronic hangover and have little recollection of the previous night. All they know is, when they awoke, they felt a sickening shock at realising they weren’t alone. Who the hell is that? Where did they meet? OMG, what’s their name?

Their only tangible thought is to get the hell out of wherever they are right that second. They would make a dash for the door if they weren’t completely naked. There’s a high possibility they’re about to take an underwear-free walk. What they really need is their phone. Like many humans, life without their phone is an existence just not worth considering.

There’s no way they want to interact with this nameless stranger. Maybe if they leave quick enough, the stranger won’t even recall they were there. Yes, sounds like a plan. They begin creeping around the house, trying to be as quite as taking a poop in a public toilet; but, of course, the quieter they try to be, the louder they are and cringe each time they make a sound.

Heading back to the bedroom, they discover both of their phones sticking out from under the stranger’s pillow. WTF? Oh, no. Is there a recording of this experience? Instantaneously, a whole new level of shame is realised. Contemplating how to retain their dignity, they stand over the stranger and gently attempt to pry the phones from under the pillow. Bit by bit, they get closer to their claim and, after a good five minutes, they finally have both. Phew!

Walking into another room, attempting the password on the stranger’s phone, they think to themselves ‘this could take forever’. Should they steal the stranger’s phone, just in case? Maybe they could take it, have it wiped it clean and mail it back. Oh decisions, decisions!

Determined to sustain at least some level of their previous self respect, they decide to leave the phone and make the getaway. Hopefully, there’s another reason why the phones were under the pillow.

Semi-dressed, they make their way to the door. As anticipated, it will be an underwear-free walk. Opening the door as quietly as possible, they step out and just as they begin to close it gently behind them, a gust of wind comes past and slams it shut, like a nail being belted into a coffin. BANG! Run is their first instinctive thought.

So, rapidly, the underwear-free walk of shame becomes a sprint, which carries on for a block. By then they are totally spent because of all the alcohol they consumed the night before. Additionally, they receive a text. It’s 6 am, who’s texting at this time of the morning? This can’t be good.

Looking down at the name of the sender, they think for themselves ‘I don’t know anyone named…’ Oh, yes, they do. Yep, just as they suspected, it’s not good. That’s why the phones were under the pillow. They’d swapped numbers. The now-named stranger sent a text: “You left your keys”.

Image via http://www.writtalin.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/one_night_stand.jpg

October 18, 2014