Goop

16 Really Sucky Things No One Ever Tells You About Marriage

It’ll be the loneliest time of your life.

August 8, 2016

Gwyneth To Launch Skincare And Beauty Ranges Via GOOP

Would you trust an A-list celebrity who recently confessed her love of “steam cleaning” her vagina with your beauty regime? This is the question discerning women the world over must surely be asking themselves following the news Gwyneth Paltrow is reportedly launching skincare and beauty ranges via her popular lifestyle website GOOP.

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Of course, Gwyneth is also a fan of using goop.com to extol the new-age benefits of other such important life matters such as “consciously uncoupling” ala her split with Coldplay frontman Chris Martin; ridiculously overpriced, but gorgeous luxury clothes; month-long juice cleanses and macrobiotic diets.

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However, the health obsessive did come under fire for her health advice that if women steam out their vaginas they’ll achieve a powerful energy boost and internal cleanse. This is somewhat amusing given our vaginas self-cleanse, but I digress. Gwynnie advised her legion of fans to run, not walk, to get the special herbal steam-treatment service available at the Tikkun Holistic Spa in Santa Monica.

“The real golden ticket here is the Mugwort V-Steam,” Gwynnie enthused. “You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al.”

She added that the V-Steam is “an energetic release – not just a steam douche – that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.”

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Slammed for this potentially dangerous, sham health advice by multiple medical experts, Gwyneth was undeterred and continued to do what she does best, look amazingly radiant at red-carpet premieres, such as Mortdecai, with new Gold Coast regular, Johnny Depp, who has been in and out of the “sunshine state” of late shooting the new Pirates of the Caribbean film.

So, how does the gorgeous celebrity seemingly never age? Is there really something to her diet claims? And here are some more burning questions for Gwynnie – if she’s reading this –about her new organic and sustainable skincare and beauty ranges set to launch next January: Can we mere mortals afford it, or will it cost the equivalent of a monthly Sydney mortgage? And, will it be for women of all ages and skin types? And will we too, then attain the Fountain of Youth?

GOOP will apparently cut out the middle man and handle all retail aspects in-house. Stay tuned for more as it comes to hand, dear readers!

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June 15, 2015

Gwyneth Paltrow’s (Slightly Insane) Christmas Gift Guide

Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle newsletter Goop has released its annual Christmas gift guide, and in keeping with tradition, it’s just as loopy as previous years’.

“I am overwhelmed and a disaster,” Paltrow shares before listing her favourite things. “So our gift guide comes at just the right time, at least for me. We have included some old favourites and some new finds, all of which will make Father Christmas proud.”

A very, very rich Father Christmas, that is.

And sure, what do you get the woman that has everything (she even has Beyonce as a BFF)? But, come on, no one in their right mind is gifting half these things, unless they have more money (and space in their house to dump it all) than brains.

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Paltrow gushes over a limited edition neon slingshot that comes in at $130.

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Candles make a great gift, but Gwynie thinks you need this $530 Fornasetti candle. There’s just nothing that could justify a $530 candle.

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Under the section Knick Knacks, a Malle W. Trousseau Kitchen Set that’s only $6,230. Yep, that’s right.

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We think these Olivia Von Halle Lila Alexa Monogrammed Pajamas are pretty and all, but at $570 plus $20 for each monogrammed letter, we’ll be getting our PJs somewhere else…

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What Christmas gift guide comes without a useless dust collector or two, and we think these flashing Vegaz letters would make a fun gift, especially for a teenage girl, until we saw the price. They start at $550 and go up to $684. Whoa, Nelly.

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And, of course, her own cookbooks – signed! – for $59 each.

Her children Apple, nine, and Moses, seven, also have a say on what they would love to find under the Christmas tree, and luckily, it’s a lot less precious. Apple opts for a Kipling backpack on wheels and an iPod, while Moses wants to follow in daddy’s footsteps by asking for an acoustic guitar, and adorably, a hamster.

OK fess up, what would you really love for Christmas?

November 15, 2013