When was the last time you had an earth-shatteringly good orgasm – the kind that gave you good bed hair; an all-day glow; and which may have scared the neighbours?
Like our own personal happiness, we all need to take responsibility for our sexual enjoyment – the onus is on you, not your partner, to truly learn what blows your hair back. So, how do we maximise our personal pleasure?
Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being, says there are fast and easy steps we can all take to get in the mood for hot sex.
- Heighten your awareness
We’re surrounded by sex all day, every day, in advertising, TV and multimedia, but how do we become more attuned to our turn-ons? “Once you are attuned to your own turn-ons, it becomes easier to discern what you really like, and in my experience, the scope of what you really like broadens,” Dr Mars says.
“Anything you see, read, or think about that is outside of what you think is okay, or what you would do, or that you think is a little risque is likely to be a turn-on. It has to be not too far over the borders, but just far enough to make you feel a little naughty/dirty/wrong. For example, nudity is a bit ho-hum for me, but if I get a glimpse of nakedness in a fashion magazine it often gives be a little sexual buzz.” Learn your sweet spots so you can go there quickly in your head.
- Practice makes perfect
Do you look and feel best in a gorgeous LBD and heels? Or does wearing super-sexy lingerie make you feel aroused? Find out what it is that makes you feel like a wanton sex goddess and buy it in every colour (okay, maybe not quite). By practising the art of feeling sexy, you’ll elevate your chances of hot sex. “Dress up in front of the mirror and find something you feel sexy in and you know looks good and keep it handy and slip it on when you want to have a good time, but you’re not quite in the mood,” Dr Mars says.
- Explore your horizons
The pursuit of great personal pleasure is a great excuse to learn new skills. Think you’re a sex ninja in the bedroom? Think again, says Dr Mars – we can all become better-skilled lovers, she says. “Go see someone like me and learn how to change the way your body works and the way you think about sex, learn a new skill,” Dr Mars says. “Or leave dumb Fifty Shades of Grey ideas about BDSM behind and learn how to spank someone so they like it.” You can also try a new technique in the bedroom to rock both yours and your partner’s socks off: if you’re usually passive, take charge, for example.
- Are you being served?
Do you and your partner need a change of pace, or what about a change of scene? Hot hotel sex could be just the ticket! There, you can role play; try something new – hello couples’ sex toys; or just bloodywell take some much-needed time out with your partner, sans kids, to enjoy each other’s company and engage in some wild sex! “Hotel sex is a great way to get in the mood for hot sex,” Dr Mars advises. “Plan it, spoil yourselves, buy each other a sexy present and drink champagne, although not too much!”
- Laughter is the best medicine
When did life get so serious? Remind yourselves of the carefree life you lived before kids and have sex in the great outdoors; go on a picnic, or watch a funny movie together. Laugh like a drain with your significant other and have good, old-fashioned fun and silly sex and you’ll both feel a damn sight happier for it. “Have a laugh; most of the time we’re way too serious,” Dr Mars says. “And, like anything, sex is much better if you’re relaxed.”
NB dear reader: Dr Mars is also quick to point out it’s vital to learn how to say no and take charge of sex if you stop enjoying it. In addition, never feel pressured to have sex or do it against your will – your body is your own sacred place, not someone else’s. Just say no.
A sizzling love life doesn’t just happen, and sometimes you have to work at having better sex. If your sex life is blah and boring, there are ways to spice things up. Here are three ways to improve your sex life and put the pizzazz back into your relationship.
Plan a date night
Some couples find their sex lives are taking a backseat to their careers and family responsibilities. If you’re having trouble finding time for a steamy session of great sex, make a date. Pick out an evening when you can be alone, arrange for childcare if you need it, and plan a night devoted to nothing except pure pleasure!
Since anticipation is part of the fun, smile to yourself as you think about your upcoming “date” with your guy. Set the stage with candles, your favourite romantic music and whatever else helps you to set the mood. Don’t allow the outside world to intrude – this is a special time for just the two of you.
You may feel awkward the first time you try this, or guilty about taking time away from your jobs or the kids. Just remember that you’re putting time into keeping your relationship together, and that’s important to both of you as well as everyone around you.
Don’t be afraid to get naughty
When a couple has been together for a while, it’s easy to slip into the habit of doing the same things over and over. Why not improve your sex life by trying some new tricks? If you’ve had any naughty fantasies, now is the time to turn them into reality—with your honey, of course!
If you’ve been too shy to peek inside a sex shop, maybe now is the time to check one out. See what types of lingerie, sex toys and other items call out to you. If the two of you have never watched a porn film together or tried a flavoured lubricant, maybe now’s the time to expand your sexual horizons!
Explore your fantasies
Have you and your guy shared your own dreams and desires? Maybe the key to greater sex will be bringing some of those fantasies to life! This is also the perfect way to shed your inhibitions and tell each other what really turns you on.
Look for ways to explore your fantasies in real life—without getting into trouble! If you’ve dreamed of having sex in public, pick a dark night when you’re alone together and toss down a blanket in the back yard. If you’re worried about nosy neighbours, how about doing it on the kitchen table or some other “forbidden” spot around the house?
Being in a long, comfortable relationship is no excuse for becoming complacent about your sex life. It’s never to late to try new tricks for better sex! Having greater sex will make both of you much happier.