This week we’ve got something a little different. It’s all about exercising your dirty mind – granted some people have more of a dirty mind than others. While i’m sure at least one or two of you will see these optical illusions quite clearly, it’s incredible how the mind plays tricks on us and tends to zone in on profanity!
Let’s start with a challenge: You might have to look closely for this one – or perhaps not, depending on how your mind works…
No, it’s not what you’re thinking! It’s all very innocent, I assure you.
Now, look closely… What is the first thing that you see?
What an unusual place for a…
This older gentleman looks quite content, doesn’t he?
Gosh some people have a lot of time on their hands…
Well now, this is unexpected.
So, that’s what they get up to on their days off. Ten out of ten to the naughty nuns posing for some positive PR!
Can you see a couple of interpretations here?
Quite an innocent photo really. Check out the man on the left – oblivious isn’t he?
Can you imagine the looks he would have got at work after this image hit the net?
How many times would people have done this only for no-one to take any notice? Cheers to the person who did. Seriously though, how bored were they?
Umm… Any clue what animal leaves these type of footprints?
If you look at this from a distance it takes on a whole new dimension…
Calm it, first impressions aren’t always what they seem.
You may need to look twice at this one, depending on how your mind works, that is!
So, how did you go? Can you officially say your mind is in the gutter?
Images via Various Sources
Any parent will tell you that raising kids is a tough gig, but there are some people out there in cyberspace who don’t appear to take it very seriously. When kids are still at the stage when they don’t need a mobile phone to stay in contact, parenting is actually pretty much common sense.
However, we all know that some people’s version of common sense can be a little skewed – just check out some of the parenting skills adopted by some brainiacs out there. So, you’ve got to ask the question: How on earth can these parents really get it so wrong? Are they exceptionally over-tired? Are they lacking in the IQ department? Or should some people just resort back to their mobile phones and technology in search of an appropriate app to do it all for them?
Sorry, maybe I’m being a little too harsh. I suppose if anything, we do need people like this – they make the rest of us parents feel pretty good about ourselves. Yes, even on a bad parenting day. So on that note, ladies, here is 9 ways to avoid parenting.
When did a standard motorcycle become an 8 seater vehicle? I wonder which genius thought of that child’s bucket seat, too? Quite an invention!
They say children mimic what they are exposed to, but this little girl clearly looks a little distressed at the future in front of her.
Has parenting become such a chore that every waking moment – including a simple trip to the store – needs a screen? Hmm… Perhaps.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I sincerely hope the hospital booked this lady in for some parenting classes prior to discharge – something tells me neglect could be an issue in this child’s future.
Just because an item covers a child’s head does not make it a suitable helmet!
Shouldn’t it be obvious that some words should NEVER be written on a little girls top! Why is there even a market for this?
I wonder if this dotting Dad simply forgot about the precious cargo in his back pack? Or does he think this is a safe option should the train derail, and is ACTUALLY aware of the child behind him?
The thing about this pic is that these women look quite normal. These two little kids in the cage, however, may not have that opportunity in their future.
Just remember, I did say something about common sense being skewed, didn’t I?
Image via various sources
I recently had to organise travel plans and noticed that getting around is going to cost a bit extra in honour of Jesus who died over 2000 years ago. Is it just me or does it sound a bit bizarre? I’ve thought for a long time from the bits I’ve heard about Jesus that he actually sounded like the very first hippy.
No, not the 1960s free love sort that you’re visualising but the type of hippy that roamed around not too fussed about a regular address. The ultimate couch surfer. Surrounded by people who just wanted to hang with him as he went around promoting love and peace and all that. That sort of hippy. Aren’t they sort of anti-commerce, anti-ownership types?
So, have I missed something very important here? Or has commerce got the thought of Jesus very wrong and sort of screwing with his image a bit? I don’t know. Maybe it’s me and I just haven’t got the gist of what he was really about.
Perhaps as well as being the Christian Savior of Souls, Jesus was actually a secret advocate for commerce. Seriously. Think about it. People apparently flocked to him and I imagine it would have cost them a bit to be by his side. They did a fair amount of traveling. I can’t imagine he would have had to pay for much with all those followers supporting him. He wasn’t a carpenter all his life so someone was obviously sponsoring his cause. Hmm…. the first to be sponsored and the first hippy perhaps?
Millions of people Christian or not celebrate his birth and death every year. Perhaps Jesus would like it to costs us a fortune and boost our commerce sector in his honour? He apparently died over 2000 years ago and still he continues to influence our economy. Surely only the ultimate advocate for commerce could get that sort of recognition?
Anyway, let’s not speculate any further. I want to check out some evidence so I’ll start with the people who are working Easter weekend. After all they keep commerce running. Is it double or triple time you’re getting paid folks? If not, it bloody well should be. Your employers are going to make a killing this Easter long weekend in honour of Jesus.
The hardware shops for one are expecting a bonanza Easter long weekend. Fours full days to complete those DIY projects everyone. Come on, it won’t cost much to finish that decking and pergola. Jesus has once again provided time off to get it done, so get to it! The hardware shops will be thanking Jesus secret advocacy for commerce. Easter would surly be their busiest time of the year. Thank you Jesus… Ka-Ching!!!
Then of course there’s the chocolate manufacturers. The ultimate Easter commerce champions. Some have had their products on supermarket shelves since the week after Christmas.
After Easter, chocolate will be on special. Smart fundraising teams will be handing out their annual chocolate boxes to families to raise money. I ran a few of those, so yeah, guilty! They actually don’t expect you to sell a single chocolate but, over the weeks after Easter, they know your family will slowly consume what’s in front of them. While the taste of chocolate is on everyone’s lips they know your family won’t be able to resist. Nasty, hey?!
For some, it might happen in their early 20s, while others might not realise it until they’re 40, but we all have to let our careless life as an adolescent go at some point and face adult life. This is how you know you’ve reached that point:
1. You have to watch what you eat
Remember those glorious times as a teenager when you could eat anything you wanted without gaining a single pound? You’d do anything to get that metabolism back, but it’s hopeless. You can’t even look at a muffin without putting on weight.
2. You need at least 8 hours of sleep
Staying up until 2am watching TV or talking on the phone was normal and felt easy. Now, you’re in bed at 9.30pm and love every single minute of your sleep.
3. Your weekends are filled with weddings
Your friends are all getting serious and the only thing that you talk about is engagement rings, centre pieces, and how many tiers make the perfect wedding cake. You also had to start putting money aside for wedding presents.
4. You’d rather stay home than go to a club
Paying $15 for a drink while struggling to move through a room full of sweaty people – how could you have ever liked this?
5. You invest in quality
This applies to anything, but is especially noticeable when it comes to fashion. Instead of buying lots of cheap, trendy clothes that you only wear for one season, you invest in timeless pieces and intend to wear them for at least a few years.
6. You’re out of touch with the cool kids
When you listen to a bunch of 16-year-olds talking, you feel like you need a dictionary to understand them. Snapchat what?
7. You start sentences with: “Back in the day…”
And hate yourself a little bit each time you do it. But you can’t help it, because it WAS back in the day!
8. Time is flying
Whenever you get a bit of time to yourself, you realise how quickly that day/week/month has gone by and it scares you a little bit.
9. You go to auctions on Saturday mornings
If you want to own a house at some point, you need to know the real estate market in your area!
10. You finally understand your parents
When you’re young, your parents can seem like super heroes who know it all, and at the same time they can be the most annoying people in the world. Now that you’re an adult yourself, you realise that they’re just human and deserve all your love and respect.
image via wyattanddad.co
Last weeks weekend wit complete with wayward text messages will be hard to beat. I hope you all got a good laugh. I know I did!
This week I’ve sourced some strange and amusing signs from around the globe. Whether or not some people realise it, they too have provided us with yet another form of entertainment.
Nice to see they still have hold of their beer.
I wonder who pays?
I take it he wasn’t in sales? Or perhaps he was.
This is just a cruel joke, isn’t it?
I bet they will.
Was it the spelling they didn’t want to get wrong?
Now I reckon this house would probably be a bargain.
Ouch! What’s the saying about a woman scorned?
“Where the word is preached and the people are reached.”
Sharp elementary school. Very sharp.
Is this really going to assist water conservation people?
Ladies, I think you’d agree. No way in hell!
Sponge Bob… HR specialist.
Putting fun into falling.
The new McRape. I wonder if it comes with a special sauce?
Yes Dave, you will be very sadly missed. However we are eager to replace you.
“Bartender. I’ll have a beer and keep em comin’. Plus the $5 special. Cheers mate.”
How many highly paid professionals approved this billboard? Worth every cent, wasn’t it.
Now this one is advertising genius! What a great idea to drum up business. I hope they took notice of the words and not just the boobs.
At least they give you a heads up.
Yuk! Bad visual.
Isn’t it good to see that our tax-payer funds are being well spent?
Images Via Pinterest And Other Random Places On The Internet
On TV recently I saw a toddler roaming freely around a moving car. When questioned, it was stated that the toddler refused to sit in the seat or wear a belt. I think the child was about two years old. Now despite the fact it was ludicrous stating this as a valid excuse to avoid a fine, it did get the cogs turning. I thought to myself, what if all toddlers were really in charge? Can you imagine what that scenario would look like behind closed doors?
For starters, I wonder what would be on the menu? Fruit, veggies and custard with stewed apples? I highly doubt it. As soon as that kid got a taste of McDonald’s and began collecting those happy meal figurines I’m pretty sure fruit and veggies wouldn’t get much of a look in. As far as drinks go, I reckon they’d ditch their water bottles or pop tops and go for a nice cold glass of Coke. They don’t care if they don’t sleep or if their teeth rot.
Which brings me to bedtime. As they’re fully hyped up on sugar and processed foods, bedtime would become a thing of the past. An overtired toddler has no idea what’s going on. They just scream until they get their own way. Which, by the way, they have no idea what that is. What’s the bet they’d hold out until they couldn’t hold out anymore and just drop on the spot and sleep where ever they happened to land.
Be aware though that as soon as you move them, they’ll wake up. A toddler in charge wants attention day and night, especially when you want to sleep. Not to mention that your sex life will definitely suffer. Toddlers don’t know that mummy and daddy need alone time. When they do finally sleep, they’d prefer to do it snuggled up next to you. This not only assures attention but will prevent you from having another child. This means they’ll get to rule the roost for years to come and never be required to share.
Now bathtime could possibly go one way or the other depending on the child’s preference. You could either get a nudist always wanting warm water for the tub or a stinky baby who won’t go near it. Toddlers don’t have a middle ground and it will be all or nothing.
As far as entertainment goes, the TV would be permanently on and switched to ABC kids. If they’ve grasped the concept of DVDs you might get a continuous playback of the Wiggles, Dora the Explorer or Thomas the Tank engine. You can forget the late-night crime shows or reality TV. Hubby can totally forget about watching sport as well. Toddlers just aren’t into that and remember it’s all about them, so you’ll have no say.
There won’t be any more adult outings either. All trips would either be to the local park, beach or swimming pool. They generally hate the shops, so you’d need to order everything online. Plus you won’t be heading to the movies, pub or club anytime soon. You may get away with visiting friends or relatives but as soon as the toddlers had enough you’ll need to leave.
You may get to sneak off to work but the toddler won’t be too happy when mum leaves the house. They have no idea that work equals housing, food and entertainment. If you’re lucky, all income will need to be brought in by dad if the toddler lets him leave. There won’t be working from home options either. That toddler’s going to demand your attention 24/7.
In the car, you’ll probably experience what the toddler did at the beginning of the story. Defiant till the end, they won’t want to be restrained. They have no fear and safety to a toddler isn’t even a word! They’ll jump around from front to back and probably end up perched in the front seat on the driver’s lap driving the damn car. They don’t care they just want the best view.
So consider the chaos it would cause if toddlers did run the show. Was it just in the car that the toddler had control? I somehow doubt that. Perhaps this a glimpse at how they really live? Hmm, the mind really does boggle. What were these people thinking? Don’t they know toddlers grow into teens? If they think their life is bad now, wait till that happens!
Life as a non-drinking Aussie isn’t easy. In fact, I’d liken it to trying to remain a virgin in a whore house. Now we all know there’s usually someone keen who’s trying to bed the virgin, right? Well, being a non-drinker when everyone else is drinking can be much the same.
It doesn’t matter what the occasion either. Family gatherings, barbecues, festivals, sporting events – it’s normal Aussie behaviour to have a drink in your hand.
I even ended up at a baptist church picnic and the conversion began. Not the religious variety which I had anticipated either. I went along expecting a dry event and reprieve from the relentless onslaught. Yet out came the bottle of bubbly and wham-o! As I passed my plastic picnic glass along the familiar conversation about my abnormality began.
Now if I wasn’t safe among the God fearing Christians…actually strike that. The monks have always had a hankering for mead. Plus they do drink wine in church. Add the fact they were Australian and thinking back I was being totally naive. What was I thinking?
I should have known that if there’s an excuse to crack a can or pop a cork Aussie’s will generally support it. Look at Australia Day? Even though most people need to return to work the next day it’s no deterrent. Our culture dictates we all want to have fun but it also encourages that we should be drinking to do it.
I recent heard a survey on the radio that stated something like 60% of Victorians don’t drink alcohol to get drunk. So I’m not a total alien after all but that does mean that the remaining 40% are out to have a damn good time! Maybe that’s the populations percentage I’m surrounded by?
Now I’m not against having a drink or dozen if that’s what you wana do. It’s just that I’ve been there done that and don’t feel like drinking anymore. The thing I just don’ get is why a non-drinking Aussie has the capacity to make the drinkers so uncomfortable?
Is it because they’re worried their drunken escapades will end up on social media? From what I’ve witnessed I reckon they’re more than capable of doing that themselves. Isn’t it a fact that some drunken Aussie invented the selfie? Probably not but it shoulda been.
As a sober Aussie among the drinkers I can and do join in the fun but sometimes the different wave lengths are a little annoying. Quite often drunk Aussies aren’t nearly as funny as they think they are. It’s amazing what this lot will laugh at and consider funny.
Thankfully the term designated driver is now a valid excuse for choosing coffee over champaz. I would have hated to be a non-drinking Aussie twenty plus years ago though. Driving wasn’t accepted as a valid excuse to remaining sober. They’re weren’t designated drivers. They just had those who weren’t as wasted as the others and they were thrown the car keys! Imagine the peer pressure back then?
Yeah, life as a sober Aussie isn’t for the faint hearted. For many the more times they say no to a drink the more times it’s offered. (That’s a tip for anyone wanting free alcohol BTW) Mind you us teetotalers do come in handy. Which Aussie on a mission wouldn’t want a willing allocated driver for those occasions hey? Come to think of it I do get invited to a lot of outings. Umm, maybe being a non-drinking Aussie isn’t such a bad thing after all?!
Image via theleader.com.au
Is penis size a myth? Hmm, it depends which side of the equation you sit on this. Some say yes it is a myth and others say absolutely not! Penis size does matter, in fact it matters a heck of a lot.
I’d like to say for argument sake and to make men out there feel better by saying that penis size is a big fat urban myth. Just because a man is well endowed it doesn’t automatically qualify said man as being an incredible lover. I know some women out there will be jumping up and down right now, but wait ladies. If you think I’m wrong let me take you for a bit of a journey and provide some proof. Yes there is actual proof!
Being a tremendous lover is like any other skill that’s acquired. It’s not something men put on their resume or display on their LinkedIn account for all the world to see, but we can agree it’s a skill nonetheless. Tradies also have skills, yeah?
Now, when women hire tradies to fix their cars or something around their homes, they don’t base their selection on the size of the tradies tools now do they? Do they choose a mechanic by the size of the money wrench? Carpenter by the size of the hammer or plumber by the size of a plunger? No they don’t. How bloody bizarre would that be?
Instead they might chat to a few, get a couple of quotes and base their decision on the best quote or the tradie they feel most confident with. See where I’m heading with this? Tool size and skill have no connection people. None. Unless a tradie skillfully knows how to operate their tools, they won’t get the job done properly at all. A man with a hammer does not a carpenter make. Understand?
Now if penis size was a defining factor to get women off why are there vibrators the size of an index finger? Also, why is this size one of the best selling vibrators and why do manufactorors continue to come up with more colours, designs and so forth? Plus, why wouldn’t the sex toy industry just make all vibrators and dildos the size of a well endowed man or larger, if all that mattered was penis size? Why?
Well I’ll tell you why. Size does not matter. Simple. Plus how on earth would a woman manage to keep a vibrator hidden in her handbag if they were all made based on the myth that bigger is better?
Image for a second a woman rummaging through her handbag as most women are known to do. She’s right in the middle of her favorite busy cafe about to pay for her morning latte. As she’s pulling out her purse out flies one of those extra large vibrators with a strong resemblance to a gigantic penis. OMG can you imagine! Is bigger better now ladies?
These women know that a small discrete bullet sized vibrator will do the job. Plus if the above fore-mentioned scenario did happen most people would think she’s just dropped her lipstick, not her favorite sex toy. She can calmly pick it up, pop it back in her handbag and no-one would be the wiser. I don’t think she could do that with something bigger, do you?
It’s what’s attached that counts
Most women would have to agree that what’s attached to the penis far outweighs penis size. If penis size was the only thing that mattered men wouldn’t be covering up. They’d be heading to the nearest plastic surgeon, getting massive implants and parading around their most prized possession.
Much like those women with ridiculously large boob jobs who are known to parade around rich old men like Geoffrey Edelsten, for them to make their breast selection. Oh sorry their wife selection. Clearly these men believe the bigger the better. Hmm, I wonder if that applies to them? OMG what am I saying? Sorry I really don’t wonder. Particularly in these cases I’m very glad men aren’t parading around, penis out!
Lastly, I’m pulling out the big guns and offering scientific proof! If women preferred well endowed men why are there so many men walking around with small penises? Wouldn’t the evolutionary process of natural selection have snuffed them out by now? Think about that one.
Images: huffingtonpost.com, groupon.ca, reddit.com, pintrest.com
We all get that proposing marriage can be a nerve wrecking experience but the drunken proposal is just plain wrong. I’ve actually had this happen to me more than once! So, chances are that if one woman has experienced this multiple times it must be a bit of a trend. I maybe wrong, but it is a possibility. It might also be that I just totally lucked out and probably not in a good way either.
Now, the first time I received a drunken proposal, I fell for it. I was young, dumb and in love. It didn’t matter how he proposed just as long as he did. It seemed everyone around us was in proposal mode, so I figured sooner or later it would be my turn. Sure enough it was, at the worst time possible! I happened to be so drunk when receiving the proposal, that when I woke up I had to ask whether or not it actually happened. Had I dreamed it? Was it real? And, more importantly, did I accept?
Hungover and desperate for answers I discovered that apparently I had. Hmmm, not exactly the way I’d pictured it. Perhaps this is the reason I switched from alcohol to coffee? I do recall not getting that drunk for a very, very long time!
Anyways, I might be a bit old-fashioned here but there are still plenty of ladies out there that believe one day the man or woman (I won’t discriminate, even though laws do) of their dreams will actually show up. To add to this fantasy, they’ll eventually get down on one knee and ask the question, “will you marry me?” In her mind it will be perfect.
They will probably be somewhere romantic, candles, soft music and the love of her life down on one knee, holding hands, asking earnestly if she’d give them the honor of becoming the wife. (It’s actually quite difficult writing this gender neutral, but you get the gist.) We’ve seen it on The Bachelor, heard it it fair tales like Cinderella, so surely that’s how it’s supposed to go?
So, image the horror when this image is replaced by the reality of a drunken proposal? There’s no romance, or very little and they’re probably down on two knees because they’re far too wasted to balance on one. The words spill out of their mouth so slurred that they are almost unrecognizable and the speech they had prepared goes totally out the window. Basically they’re that drunk that the words flow out like, “willyamaryme” as if it’s one word rather than a phrase.
Unfortunately it isn’t pretty but I can understand that it’s easily done. The individual is so nervous preparing and looking for the right time to propose that they choose to have a few drinks to calm their nerves. Those few drinks turns into a few too many and voilà! Thankfully by the second drunken proposal I’d learned my lesson and demanded the romance, which is perhaps why I’m still waiting for it?
It’s not all bad though. There is something worse than the drunken proposal. I’ve seen it happen to others and those poor souls accepted and then had their proposal revoked. Ouch! Having awoken the next morning the proposer took another look at their bride to be and thought, hell no! What have I done? Suffice to say not exactly relationships made in heaven. So, I’m certainly not going to complain. At least I haven’t had to endure that!
Image via fc03.deviantart.net
The work/life balance. Is it only for people with a few bucks or does it actually exist for people on minimal wage? Perhaps it’s one of those 21st century myths created by the wealthy to inspire people who are struggling to work for peanuts, raise kids, look after elderly parents, have a social life, do things for others or the community and try to somehow sneak in valuable time out? Should they be so optimistic or is it a mythical ploy to make them work harder?
Now, we’ve all been told that everything is achievable if we are prepared to put in the hard work. However, achieving the work/life balance when the chips are down and the funds are low is actually achieved by doing the opposite. Like to know what I’m on about?
From my experience, work/life achievers without money to fund the balance, usually don’t care for elderly parents needing constant attention, combined with kids who demand the latest iPhone. They might have one or the other, but probably not both. As far as community involvement, they might attend functions, events and social engagements in their spare time but you rarely see them in the trenches organising any of it.
What these work/life balancers know is how to effectively say no to passing responsibilities like taking on that extra shift, child minding, transporting a 90-year-old nan to the doctor or fundraising for the local community. Purely focused on the balance they so desperately require, they don’t feel a bit guilty about it either. They know that someone else will pick up the slack, so they can sit back and have it all.
That someone is usually their single sibling who works full-time, has four kids and rolls their sleeves up at the local school during functions. They will “choose” to take nan to the doctor, in lieu of time out. Unfortunately for them, they do have a conscience and rather than successfully achieving their work/life balance, they effectively work their way further from it. It doesn’t seem quite fair, does it?
In this case, achieving the work/life balance is actually based on not putting in the hard yards at all. If they can get others to do that on their behalf, then they’ll be able to get there. However if they do the hard work themselves, they are pretty much out of luck.
So, effectively it appears that achieving a work-life balance isn’t for everyone and for some it is a mythical 21st century ploy which makes them continue to work harder. Those with some money have a better chance because they can outsource some of their responsibilities. Those without it, combined with a conscience probably won’t get there. Plus, if they have a sibling who manages to acquire it, they’re pretty much screwed!
Image via media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com
The sex-starved spouse club isn’t the type of club where membership is eagerly sought! Plus, it’s a secret club where membership isn’t often discussed. If and when a spouse turns off the intimacy tap, it can affect the other spouse in weird and far from wonderful ways!
There’s also a process which members usually go through, too. It’s not an instant membership like joining a library or the old DVD shop either, where you sign up and get to borrow whatever you like right there on the spot. No. It’s more like a gym membership. Let me explain what I’m talking about.
When most people join a gym, they are really into it. They’ll go as often as possible, but they don’t really consider themselves a fully fledged member because they are still testing their commitment. As time goes on, the visits get less regular. This is when they do consider themselves a member because they are continuously coughing up the monthly payment despite how many times they visit. Can you see where I’m heading with this? This is parallel to how membership into the sex-staved spouse club begins.
This is also the stage where the obvious lack of sex is discussed and the sex starved spouse still tries to initiate some form of intimacy. However, rejection after rejection, strange things do begin to happen.
I’m talking about internalisation. For many members, they will begin to internalise the issue. Is it me? What’s wrong with me? Don’t they love me anymore? Blah, blah, blah. All that soul destroying stuff which could be prevented if the couple just talked about the issue and got some help.
The only thing is, the turner of the intimacy tap isn’t budging. They dig their heels in, for whatever reason and because the conversations about the lack of sex starts to end up becoming an argument each time, they project their problem onto their spouse. Yes, it is your looks, weight, attitude… This isn’t a joke. This stuff actually happens!
This is when members have their insecurities confirmed. For some members, this is when the weight begins to pile on, they lose faith in their capacity to please their partner and “attempt” to suffer in silence. By attempt, I mean they go about their daily activity, vividly aware there is a problem. Discussions about their lack of intimacy, is like the big, fat, pink elephant in the room!
Every now and then members just need to say something. Anything! They know there’s no point, but they just need to make it known that this just isn’t going away. It’s going to linger there like a stale old fart in bed, just waiting for some poor buggar to lift the covers and expose it for what it is.
For other members, the thought of cheating becomes a very viable option. They might even threaten it. Repeatedly! It makes no difference, though, what the members do. The intimacy tap tightens even further and all that’s left is the application of super glue!
After a while, loyal members just give up. They know their partner has shut down, closed shop and made it startlingly clear that intimacy is no longer a part of their relationship. Yep, they are effectively living as housemates, or worse, it feels like they are sleeping next to their sibling!
This is when their membership in the sex starved spouse club is confirmed. If they are “lucky” members might get birthday sex once a year. The sort of sex that it’s hot, steamy and exciting, but more like a pity put out. Yes folks, membership into the sex starved spouse club certainly isn’t pretty, so it’s no wonder members kept it such a big secret!
Image source: http://blog.joins.com/usr/o/hp/ohpax/1006/4c0b890192555.jpg
Like most women, I love to shop. I like to head to the local mall, strolling from shop to shop; picking up one item and then another to examine it for its value, purpose, fit, texture, durability, style, blah, blah, blah. It’s a process. A long one! Most men, on the other hand, loathe shopping with a passion.
You can see them at the shops, disinterested, with distracted look on their faces, regularly staring down at their watches and we know they’re just wondering how long this hellish experience is going to last. A torturous affair for you both!
It is pretty amusing though, when men spot another masculine soul on the arm of their lady. They too are being led from shop to shop without making a single purchase. When they make eye contact, you can almost hear the conversation going on behind the smile or the grin: “Yeah, I know mate. Hell, isn’t it? I’d rather be doing anything else as well. Yeah, I’m only doing it to get laid too buddy, don’t you worry about that. It’s ok brother, you aren’t alone.”
They pass each other both knowing the sheer agony of their situation. Stuck at the damn mall with the missus. Hour after after of “Do you like this one? Hang on, what about that one? Which one do you like better? Do you mind if we just have a look in here for a minute?” Knowing all too well that they will be there over half an hour. Men at the mall don’t need to say a word. They know what’s in each other’s thoughts. Torture. Utter… Bloody…. Torture! Why was it they agree to tag along? Oh, that’s right. Sex.
Now, not many people are aware, but there is an alternative. You can drive to and from the shops together, but instead of dragging him round the mall, where you know he clearly doesn’t want to be, but has only gone to “please” you; he can go directly to the man crèche. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but inside or very close to most shopping malls lies a pub.
Driving on the way to a large local mall one day, there was a sign outside one of them. It was only weeks before Christmas and the sign said, “We will look after your man, while you go shopping!” Well, the look on my partners face was ecstatic. “Man crèche?” he proposed, smiling from ear to ear as if he’d be stranded in the desert and just discovered water.
So man crèche it was. Oh, thank God! Best shopping expedition either of us have ever had. It’s put a new spin on the word “shopping” that we can both actually enjoy. Him at the “man crèche”, me at the shops – shopping expeditions made in heaven.
Image via c2.staticflickr.com/4/3577/3321835983_12e2f1efa5.jpg
If men, in general, wrote up a list of things which resembled the perfect wife, it would probably look something like this, in no particular order – that’s male organisation at work, ladies. If it was a women’s list, well it would be structured in terms of priority (probably in a spreadsheet), but no need to go there.
Tip 1: Learn how to download
There’s not a man alive who doesn’t appreciate a woman who can download content off the internet, especially if it’s their favourite TV show or latest action flick. “Here’s the latest episode of Game of Thrones, hunny” – he’ll be so blown away and won’t even care that you’ve done so illegally and you’re now a “pirate”. Mmm, that might add to the attraction..?
Tip 2: Become a DYI queen
Men loathe having to fix stuff around the house, especially if they do it for a living. So, if you want the gutters cleaned, the lawn mowed, car washed, etc, then DYI ladies!
Tip 3: Encourage his hobbies
So, he’s heading toward 40 and suddenly has an urge to buy that motorbike he’s always wanted or maybe an expensive set of golf clubs to go hang out at the course with his mates. Instead of holding him hostage as you drag him shopping, encourage his hobbies (take out life insurance in the case of the motorbike) and get him out of the house. Now, a great wife would even pack his lunch.
Tip 4: Cook… Often!
That brings us to the next item on the list. It really is true that a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It might have something to do with their mothers, who cooked for them and made their favorite meal when they were little boys. Who knows, but feeding him will gain you valuable wife points.
Tip 5: Sex
BJ, HJ, S&M… Enough said. (Probably should have been first on the list, but it is in no particular order, remember!)
Tip 6: Look fabulous
It doesn’t matter if you have the flu, are heavily pregnant carrying his child or tired after a long day at work. Throw away the trackie pants and sloppy tops. You need to look like you’ve just stepped out of the beauty salon. This is especially true when his mates pop over, but be careful not to overdo it. He wants to show you off, not give his mates bait for them to go fishing.
Tip 7: Never say “we need to talk”
All men dread these four little words. They either think that they’ve done something wrong and they are in trouble or you need to talk, in which case they will need to look at least half-interested in whatever you have to say. Either way, there’s nothing in it for them so the perfect wife would never strings these four words together.
Tip 8: Praise him for little things
Men love praise. It doesn’t matter if the only housework he’s managed to do in the past six weeks has been the dishes – at least he did something! A little praise goes a long way. Once again, this probably goes back to their mothers and their childhood, but don’t dare mention that either.
Tip 9: Let him have control the TV remote
What is it with men and the TV remote? It’s a strange phenomenon, isn’t it? Ever wonder what men had hold of before TV was invented. Ok, lets not go there. Anyway, let him have it. If he thinks he’s got an inferred magic power wand. Seriously, what harm can it do? Just as long as he doesn’t aim it at you and press the mute button, it’s all good. (Hey, there’s not a man alive that hasn’t at least thought about it.)
Tip 10: Let him think he’s the boss
Speaking of power, we all know women really run the home. Imagine the state of things if the man was in charge? Two words: bachelor pad! They do like to think they run things, though, so do what good wives do best and don’t remind him about it. You know in your head what’s really going on.
Image via maryloudriedger2.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/the-perfect-wife.jpg
Men. They really are strange. The way they make decisions, their behavior, what they pay attention to and how they go about things makes the female mind boggle! Take menstruation for example. What is it about women’s periods that freaks them out and has them running for the nearest exit?
For example, if you are chatting on the phone to a friend or have your BFF over for coffee, a sure-fire way to stop any man from eavesdropping on your conversation is to throw in the topic of your menstrual cycle. It’s like female Kryptonite! They’ve overheard the word period and they leave the vicinity faster than Superman on a mission. (Tip: Don’t forget to use this one to your advantage!)
Then there’s buying feminine hygiene products for female partners. This is possibly the one incidence whereby gay men are envied by heterosexual males. If your fella is like most of his comrades, this is the one request he could probably do without.
Yes, he will need to walk into the shop and find his way to the feminine hygiene section. Challenge number one. Once there, he will likely be completely overwhelmed when he is instantly confronted with – a wall of feminine hygiene options. Pure horror for the average bloke. Super, regular, flow related, wings, no wings; all of which he knows nothing about. Challenge number two.
Although preferred products are usually neatly placed in her section of the bathroom cabinet – which is shared and he actually opens each day – he chooses not to see them. This is a man skill learned and passed down through generations with utter perfection. The products are there but the connection between his eyes and brain are severed when it comes to anything related to feminine hygiene. (Tip: This is where to hide your own private collection of sex toys because he’ll never see them!)
Back to challenge number two. Men can go either one of two ways when it comes to selecting tampons for their lady. If a man chooses a super-sized product, he has done so with his anatomy is mind. During the selection process, he has come to the assumption that the size of the tampon reflects how endowed he believes he is. If he can fit inside that vagina, it must need a super-sized tampon. Yes, ladies, that’s the logic!
If the man selects the regular or smaller variety, he has done so with her anatomy in mind. These products have been selected because he wants to believe her lady bits, are too small for super-sized products. The thought of his lady using super-sized tampons is a concept he just doesn’t want to envisage. Once again, male logic at work. How on earth was the wheel or electricity ever invented?
Whatever rationale he uses to make the selection; he then finds his way to the checkout. Challenge number three. Some men feel a bit awkward about this. The big question is why? Everyone knows the product isn’t for him. Not unless he’s hiding a vagina in his pants! Maybe there lies the fear?
Despite all men knowing that women bleed once a month, it’s not something the vast majority want to delve into any further. Why any man would want to become a gynecologist is a pure mystery. Maybe they have a defective male gene, assume women visiting the gynecologist aren’t menstruating or something along those lines. Remember, we are dealing with male logic and decision making, so who knows, and most of these men would say women are strange!
The dreaded walk of shame. This person has just snuck out of someone’s home, at 6 am, riddled with self doubt, confusion; possibly a snippet of self loathing. They have a chronic hangover and have little recollection of the previous night. All they know is, when they awoke, they felt a sickening shock at realising they weren’t alone. Who the hell is that? Where did they meet? OMG, what’s their name?
Their only tangible thought is to get the hell out of wherever they are right that second. They would make a dash for the door if they weren’t completely naked. There’s a high possibility they’re about to take an underwear-free walk. What they really need is their phone. Like many humans, life without their phone is an existence just not worth considering.
There’s no way they want to interact with this nameless stranger. Maybe if they leave quick enough, the stranger won’t even recall they were there. Yes, sounds like a plan. They begin creeping around the house, trying to be as quite as taking a poop in a public toilet; but, of course, the quieter they try to be, the louder they are and cringe each time they make a sound.
Heading back to the bedroom, they discover both of their phones sticking out from under the stranger’s pillow. WTF? Oh, no. Is there a recording of this experience? Instantaneously, a whole new level of shame is realised. Contemplating how to retain their dignity, they stand over the stranger and gently attempt to pry the phones from under the pillow. Bit by bit, they get closer to their claim and, after a good five minutes, they finally have both. Phew!
Walking into another room, attempting the password on the stranger’s phone, they think to themselves ‘this could take forever’. Should they steal the stranger’s phone, just in case? Maybe they could take it, have it wiped it clean and mail it back. Oh decisions, decisions!
Determined to sustain at least some level of their previous self respect, they decide to leave the phone and make the getaway. Hopefully, there’s another reason why the phones were under the pillow.
Semi-dressed, they make their way to the door. As anticipated, it will be an underwear-free walk. Opening the door as quietly as possible, they step out and just as they begin to close it gently behind them, a gust of wind comes past and slams it shut, like a nail being belted into a coffin. BANG! Run is their first instinctive thought.
So, rapidly, the underwear-free walk of shame becomes a sprint, which carries on for a block. By then they are totally spent because of all the alcohol they consumed the night before. Additionally, they receive a text. It’s 6 am, who’s texting at this time of the morning? This can’t be good.
Looking down at the name of the sender, they think for themselves ‘I don’t know anyone named…’ Oh, yes, they do. Yep, just as they suspected, it’s not good. That’s why the phones were under the pillow. They’d swapped numbers. The now-named stranger sent a text: “You left your keys”.
Image via http://www.writtalin.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/one_night_stand.jpg
To get 5 minutes to herself, the modern day woman gets up at 5.30am. She just wants to sip that first cup of coffee, before the rest of the household wakes up. At 5.35, bubs starts crying, so yep; 5 minutes of peace is literally 5 minutes of peace.
She does the whole 5.30am mum routine; feeding, changing and expressing for the rest of the day. Heaven forbid, she could have her baby on formula to make life easier. By then, an hour has passed and it’s time to wake the rest of the family.
After entering each bedroom, at least a dozen times, it’s around 7.30. In the meantime, she’s managed to prepare lunches and has breakfast under-way. Hubby strolls in, yawning and looking for his freshly made coffee. The kids are yelling and arguing in the hallway and finally make it to the table. At least they’ve managed to get half dressed for school. Now, it’s mum’s turn for a shower and get ready for “work”. Mind you, what the heck has she been doing since 5.30. It doesn’t sound like play, so it must be… Work! Not that anyone actually notices.
After her 2-minute shower, in which she washed her hair and entire body, shaved her underarms and legs and brushed her teeth; she takes another 2 minutes to get dressed and ready. Thank goodness, she went for that no-fuss hair do. She piles the kids and their gear into the car, including bubs, who has the latest in confusing car seats.
She drops the kids to school and bubs at daycare. As she turns the corner, there’s that familiar early morning workers traffic, and that’s where she does her makeup. The modern day woman has amazing multitasking skills. After taking half an hour to move 5 blocks, she reaches her workplace.
She works through lunch and opts for an extra cup of coffee instead. By 3pm, her day isn’t anywhere near done and she’s exhausted. She struggles through another couple of hours and knocks off at 5pm; only to hit the workers traffic as she drives back to the daycare. When she gets there, she’s informed bubs has been asleep since after lunch and they didn’t want to wake her. Oh joy. That’s totally worth the $150 a day, she’s paying in childcare fees! She picks up bubs and she opens her eyes like it’s 5.35am and ready for a new day.
Next stop is after-school care, where her other kids are waiting impatiently. Once again, they are the last to be picked up. The staff gives the modern day woman an unpleasant glare and she piles her crew in the car once again. As the kids bicker on the way home, hubby, who is already there, texts the eldest child that there is no milk or bread left. Of course there isn’t, she thinks to herself. So, she makes a detour to the supermarket, with the 2.4 kids she has with her and manages to snag a check out which doesn’t cost her an extra $20 in treats.
When they get home, they pile into the house and the modern day woman is carrying bubs, the shopping, school bags and her oversized handbag. Luckily, she has developed the upper body strength of an Olympic ultra-heavyweight lifter. She spots hubby sitting on the lounge, feet up, watching TV. How nice for him, she thinks to herself sarcastically. He couldn’t have ducked out and bought the milk and bread from the supermarket? She gives him a quick peck on the cheek, whilst hiding her disapproval and puts bubs on his lap, so she can head to the kitchen.
After chopping up 10 different types of veggies, because she needs to keep her family healthy, dinner is made. Luckily, hubby knows how to load the dishwasher and do a half-arsed kitchen clean-up. She runs a bath for bubs, who seems to have gained even more energy and she splashes water over most of the bathroom. The kids are next. They complete bubs work, plus find several bottles of shampoo and conditioner to make bubbles. Great. She makes a mental note to buy more on her imaginary shopping list.
When bedtime comes around, the kids get a story and bubs gives modern day woman grief. She tries the controlled crying thing, which lasts about 2 minutes. That’s when hubby finally steps in. Ahhh, relief! It seems though, that he may have an ulterior motive. As modern day woman finally crawls into bed at 11pm, hubby wants to play. Seriously! She gives him 2 minutes of pleasure and he rolls over and starts snoring.
Finally, she thinks. She shuts her eyes and before she knows it, the alarm is going off and it’s 5.30am the next day. At least bubs slept through the night. She sneaks downstairs for her first cup of coffee and her literal 5 minutes of peace.
Image via cfile29.uf.tistory.com/image/155E274A4E5E9D281C65A9
Kids come out with some classic comments. There’s very little social convention, growing brains are always ticking away and they say whatever comes to mind in raw honesty. Here’s a tiny snippet of what some kids have had to say.
A young family was on holiday, trekking across the countryside. The mother was heavily pregnant and it was a staggering 40 degrees outside the car and not much cooler within it. Nearing closer to the Murray River, the mother stated, “When we get to the river, I’m going in.” The small voice from the back seat was shocked at the mother’s proposal, “You can’t go in that yucky muddy river, mummy. What if the baby gets borned and can’t find its way to the top?” Apparently, she was very concerned the baby would somehow slip out of her mother whilst in the muddy water and be unable to swim their way to the surface!
Taking the kids to the hairdressers can be a challenge. On one occasion, a young child sat down in the salon chair and the hairdresser began to cut. After a few moments, the young person looked sternly into the mirror, announcing: “You do know your scissors are blunt, don’t you?” Astounded at what had been said, the hairdresser looked down at the scissors and, sure enough, they were!
There was an Aussie kid at school learning about coins and currency for the first time. The teacher held up a 20-cent piece and asked the class what it was. “20!” exclaimed a young boy. “20 what?” asked the teacher, expecting to hear the word ‘cents’ as she had for many years prior. “Platypuses!” answered the child proudly. The teacher was totally taken aback and, during her lunch break, told the entire staff room about her precious pupil. From that day forth, each time the teacher saw a 20-cent piece, she thought of those 20 ‘platypuses’, lovingly named because of the image on the coin.
Girl in boys clothes?
A mother was preparing dinner in an adjoining kitchen when her child, who was watching Ellen, announced, “She dresses like a boy.” “She does,” said mum. Several years later, in the same situation, the child stated, “Did you know Ellen is a lesbian, mum? I always wondered why she dressed like a boy.” Apparently, it had taken all that time, to process a conclusion.
The parents of a young boy were sitting watching TV while their 10-year-old had a shower. Wrapped waist-height in a towel, the young man walked into the room and announced to them, “I’m puberty! I’ve got a hair on my old fella!” He had the concept right, but his way of describing his remarkable discovery was priceless.
Image via teachingintheearlyyears.com
Life is full of those moments that make you cringe. Here’s a one of those “oh heck no” situations, which some of us have experienced along this magical journey we call life!
Online shopping is a marvellous invention, isn’t it? You can shop from the comfort of literally anywhere with your smartphone, tablet or laptop. I recently had an online shopping experience, I’d love to share with you.
It started when I got a re-gifted, store gift voucher, from the sister-in-law. Mmm, I thought, gotta remember that one, when her birthday comes around. So, I jump online in my pj’s, ready for a bit or R&R retail-style. I only have 3 months to use it, so may as well use it now.
I head to the ladies clothing section, select my size and start browsing. Low and behold, it’s a one day sale. Great, I think. I can get more for my money. The only thing is I’m totally naive; everyone else must be thinking the exact same thing. Being pretty new to online shopping, I take my time. It’s the weekend, there’s no rush.
Over the course of an hour, I check the cart and I’ve piled in 3 times as many items as I could actually afford. Hmmm, time to downsize. I notice that the items I initially selected display “out of stock”. Oh buggar! That was the stuff I really wanted. So, I try to get them in a different size or, better still, quickly steal the items from others. Certain that they too have piled in more items than they want to purchase and are going to steadily put them back. That’s exactly what happens, but that takes another hour. I remind you this was supposed to be a relaxing exercise. I felt like I was amidst the Boxing Day sales!
By the time I’m ready to check out it’s two hours later. I have everything I chose initially in the correct size. I’m a persistent women (for want of another word) and never give up! Three hours of pure relaxation – NOT! Of course, once I’m at the checkout, I don’t have an account, so I sign up. I’ve forgotten my store rewards card password and wait another 10 minutes for an email to arrive.
Ok, I’m reaching the finish line. My items should be here in a few days. I’ve filled out all the requirements and get right down to the bottom of the page. “Store gift cards are ineligible to be used for online purchases.” WTF! You’d think that would be one of the first things which should flash up on the screen, not something you read, right as you reach the very last step.
Totally piqued, I replace the re-gifted card back into my purse and shut down my laptop in disgust. No wonder my sister-in-law had taken so long to use it and finally passed it my way! The nearest store being a short two-hour drive away; I’m sure I’ll get there within the next 3 months. Just in time for the damn Christmas rush. Realising I’ve just wasted 3 hours of my precious life, I think to myself, “oh well, at least it’s given me some ideas for my next article!”