Pets are so adorable. It’s no wonder people dress them up for a photo shoot or take snaps of them to capture their non-animal like behavior.
This week we’ve got a selection of pets and a few extra animals doing just that. To the pets it’s quite innocent. Yet to us humans it’s funny to see them mimic what us humans get up to.
Cats being toilet trained is just freaky. I get it, but still…it seems unnatural.
Technology really has taken over, hasn’t it. I wonder if he gets upset when his laptop is taken away?
Isn’t this adorable!?! The cat’s spooning the baby.
If people get fined for doing this, do dogs?
This dog looks quite content just hanging with the boys.
Ah, Yogi. Waiting for that pic-a-nic basket. He does look very patient, doesn’t he?
You know when you need to stand up very straight to get a good look at something? Well I think this cat has nailed exactly how we look when we do that, including the facial expression. Priceless!
Please pass this fella the remote!
These owls look quite happy enjoying a picnic in the mist.
Man’s very best friend.
Geez, with that scowl I’d be steering well clear of this cats breaky!
I bet if this cat really could drive there’d be some serious road rage happening.
They say cats have a great life, but this cat appears to have an amazing existence.
I’m not very fond of rodents, but this little creature is just too cute!
Now, he looks totally engrossed at whatever’s on that screen. I hope it’s G rated – he looks too cute to corrupt.
OMG, I can so relate! That morning cuppa is so important.
I thought only kids did this. I wonder if you’d get the same response if you told him he’s sitting too close to the TV? Just a thought.
This fella certainly knows how to strike a pose!
Images via officialhuskylovers.com, buzzfeed.com, memes.com, ebaumsworld.com, reddit.com, pintrest.com, thegoodhumor.com, pleated-jeans.com, newsiosity.com, supurrb.com,
Travelling by road can be a tedious task. There’s all that traffic to contend with and very little entertainment, so it’s enlightening to see people’s attempt at humour with the vast selection of bumper stickers and decals drivers have opted to display on their vehicles.
Ironically, you can tell a lot about a car’s owner from their sticker choices. Some are family people, with those little stick figures that every second family car seems to have; then there’s the activists who use their car to advertise, whether it be religion, politics, animal or environmental causes. Then there’s the other type of driver who decides to use their vehicle to tell us all a bit more about themselves. Curious? Here’s what i’m talking about…
Obviously the owner of this vehicle doesn’t picture themselves as any type of saint; or perhaps they are referring to a regular passenger like their beloved partner, perhaps?
This one lets people know not to ask the owner for any favours.
This one screams sexual deviate! If this owner was picking up your daughter for a date, would you let her go? Probably not.
Clearly not a fan of people who park in disabled parking zones.
This car is owned by a married man who’s obviously not too wealthy.
Hard to tell if this driver is male or female, but they aren’t afraid to use sign-language to get their point across.
Possibly owned by an older person who was never been a surfer at any stage during their lifetime.
A mechanic who describes his worth as a man by his ability to change the oil? Sad, but perhaps true.
It’s more than likely that this chap is a science buff who thinks NASA’s advertising is pretty awesome.
Now here’s a dilemma… Yes, it’s a mothers mini van and she just may be a hooker, but more than likely she’s discovered an outstanding way to get her children to catch the bus instead of asking for a lift.
Here’s a disgruntled single driver who probably hasn’t been laid in a while. Potentially because she’s been disillusioned with her former partners!
Clearly an advocate of Bill Clinton; they are supporting his decision to receive a blow job, regardless of losing the most significant job in the US.
Ahh, a classic for anyone who can recall when panel vans and drive-ins reigned supreme. Possibly a 1960’s vintage?
Here’s a reminder to top up the superannuation: This retiree has been unable to afford a decent car – check out that rust!
Here’s a BMW owned by a successful woman who isn’t afraid to misbehave to reach her goals. Go girl!
Possibly a female’s car, although it may be a male with an unusual imagination. Can you imagine a mans bumper sticker saying ‘dance like your penis is on fire’? Not likely.
A proud parent of none owns this one and is not afraid to share what type of contraception they use.
The Ass family vehicle. Wise and Smart don’t sound too bad, but calling the kids Lazy, Kiss and Dumb is just plain mean. Break out the check book people because these kids will be needing therapy in a few years.
Looks like a vintage motorbike, so perhaps this owner is in to older models – women included?
This person clearly has money to waste on crap like this bumper sticker which they find amusing.
The fact that their number plate holder reads “insured by mafia” makes me think that they’d care about their stick family, but wouldn’t give two hoots about yours.
Ahh, a technology fan! What’s the bet that they’ve got a Bluetooth stereo connected to their new iPhone inside. It screams: “Yep, I’ve got all the latest gadgets. Come break into me!”
A philosopher or perhaps a pot smoker who likes to ponder the absurd. BTW, the world doesn’t fart, people do.
Grandpa Simpson’s Kia.
Definitely the vehicle of a cynic who thinks too highly of others.
Well if the target is 2.5 beers, they aren’t a heavy drinker. If anyone is up for some fun, however, throw a couple of ales this guy’s way!
Possibly a spiritual soul, but definitely not a church goer.
My best guess here would be that this person is someone’s wife whose probably of the superwomen variety.
Well, they obviously aren’t the boss; so this car belongs to an unhappy employee.
This is every young man’s worst nightmare – and I’d say he’d be a little intimidating.
Given the right circumstances, I’m sure we could all paste this one on our vehicles. So the owner of this car is anyone’s guess!
Images via Various Sources
Facial expressions tell us a lot about what’s going on in the thoughts of others and we use them all the time to our advantage. For example when teenagers need that extra few dollars, they certainly don’t go and approach Dad when he walks through the door with a grumpy look upon his face. That’s a sure fire way to a definite “NO”. Instead they’d look for those times when he was smiling and this would inadvertently get them much better access to his wallet!
There are lots of other situations when we use facial expressions to our advantage. Another one is when someone posts a seriously funny facial expression for all the world to get a bit of a laugh at. This next lot is an example of what I’m talking about.
You can almost read this cricketer’s mind… “OMG, fast bowler! I seriously hope I hit it cause I swear it’s going to hurt if I don’t!”
A little kid with this facial expression looks cute, but on an adult it would be pure evil.
Yep. We’ve all been there, haven’t we?
What do you think, fellas? Clearly quite attractive, but perhaps a little too crazy for your liking?
If this is his facial expression for throwing a little round ball, just imagine the expression on his face when he’s doing ‘other’ things.
Now this one is a very tricky expression. Try and mimic it, I dare you!
This male tennis player’s expression is easier to copy, but he does look a little terrified or perhaps bewildered at what’s happening in front of him.
Now this would be a police mug shot to be proud of. He clearly looks surprised at whatever the charge is. If you’d have to say guilty or innocent, which would it be? Or is dumbfounded more appropriate?
Okay people, when you’re putting on your happy face make sure it NEVER looks like this. She doesn’t look happy. She looks disturbed. VERY disturbed!
This is what a husbands face would look like if their wives spent exactly what they wanted to when out on a shopping expedition!
Who would have thought diving was such an intense sport? Or is that just gravity working against him?
This little tacker looks totally victorious. But at what though, considering he only sleeps, eats and poops? We can only imagine… He’s not sleeping, and he ain’t eating, so that only leaves one attainable victory.
Images via Pinterest and Various Sources
Cats have always been an internet favorite, so this week we’re bringing you a collection of cute and funny pet memes. We’ve included a few dogs who have got themselves into funny predicaments, beloved animals who just might consider themselves human – and, of course, some cute and bizarre snaps from owners.
This feisty raccoon either considers itself a mum or it’s doing one hell of a bad kidnapping job!
Some expressions are priceless!
Who could get angry at this pup, seriously?
A photo is worth a thousand words…
Surprise, surprise, a cat with attitude.
This is personal security at its very best.
Here’s something you don’t see everyday.
Imagine how cuddly this little fella is. How cute!
Is is just me, or does this dog look like a soft teddy bear?
This is either some awesome Photoshop work, or this dog has mastered the art of meditation perfectly.
OMG, this pug is adorable!!
He doesn’t look too happy. Are they sure it was red velvet cake mix? Quick, somebody go find the cat!
This is one way to tire a dog out, I suppose…
Some people go a little too far when it comes to treating their pets like babies.
Cats and dogs generally don’t get along, but when they do, it’s just so damn cute!
Images via Various Sources
I logged into Facebook the other day and noticed that my friends share some pretty funny memes sometimes. They certainly provide a pick-me-up when I’m feeling a bit flat, so I wanted to share them with yours truly. Now, most of this collection is directly shared by friends of mine, so they are quite eclectic – nonetheless, they still provide a good dose of entertainment when needed!
The innocence of children is so beautiful, isn’t it?
If you are wondering what this is… It’s kids play equipment. What did you think it was?
A lesson for every parent with teens, or perhaps one for preoccupied partners!
What the heck is that couple in the background doing? Seriously, wouldn’t you edit them out? I suppose they do provide a bit of added entertainment.
Be careful, buddy… Karma’s a bitch when she wants to be!
What can you say? Life is full of strange moments!
If this kid only knew what Grandma was seeing through that lens. I bet she thought she was smiling at her!
Well, when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go.
As you get older you don’t need to party for days to look like this. A weekend with a house full of teens has a VERY similar effect.
Haven’t we all! Did someone say bouncer?
Who needs a bucket list when you can make a f#@k it list a mile longer!
Hmm, I wonder how they then managed to get out this situation seeing as their lack of common sense got them into it…
This one was posted on a friends husbands page to take note of. That’s the thing with Facebook; what goes on behind closed doors is no longer a secret.
If you had a Ferrari surely you’d be able to afford parking, yeah? Or perhaps being a tight-arse is the how they afforded one in the first place…
Relationships are so hard sometimes. You couldn’t survive them if you didn’t do this at least once in a lifetime, but posting it on Facebook probably isn’t the smartest way to end an argument.
Some ideas look great a paper, but in reality… Probably not what you’d hoped for.
Can anyone relate?
Did someone say: Facebook friend cull?
When in doubt, buy a sports bra!
He’s smiling now, but I’d be giving this proud dad-to-be the very first dirty nappy!
Sometimes, you just got to take the good with the bad.
Parenting 101… Nothing like a bit of Facebook humiliation for the entire world to witness.
Images via facebook.com
Love ’em or hate ’em, it looks like selfies are here to stay. Anyone with a mobile phone can happily snap their every move these days, whether that be out for drinks, at the gym, or on the toilet. Seriously, we’ve all seen our friends post pics that let us into their secret life at home alone. Never before has photography been so damn popular!
Now, some of us think we’re pretty good at taking selfies. There are even competitions to enter into such as the Selfie Olympics – we kid you not. So, with all this going on it’s not so unusual there would be a few fails, right? Absolutley – and it really is amusing just where, when, how and why people are happily snapping away! Here are a few of favourite #selfiefails:
Tip 1: If you are going to go as far as to photoshop your selfie, check to see if you’ve got it right. Instead, this women has photoshoped her way into making herself look like a vain fool!
Tip 2: When taking a selfie don’t turn your back on oncoming traffic – particularly if that traffic is a train.
Tip 3: When running with the bulls in Pamplona, one should always capture the excitement! However, one must also be aware that there may be consequences.
Tip 4: When taking a selfie, present yourself in a way which an employer won’t reject you if you ever attend an interview. As they say: once on the internet, ALWAYS on the internet.
Tip 5: Just a heads up, other mourners probably won’t appreciate your smiley selfie in front of their dads/cousins/friends coffin at a funeral.
Tip 6: Food and shelter are still a big priority in third world countries. Donating phones to capture selfies won’t feed a family!
Tip 7: Sometimes a selfie just won’t capture the intended moment…
Tip 8: Sexy selfies totally lose their appeal with children present.
Tip 9: If a women is being attacked in public, it’s not an opportune moment to take a selfie with a big grin on your face.
Tip 10: Before going under the knife, always collect evidence on who’s preforming your operation.
Tip 11: If you still have a body which would make men half your age jealous and you’ve mastered technology, you should probably go for it.
Tip 12: If you are camera shy, you should probably stay away from the selfie craze.
Tip 13: If you have large man boobs you can actually use them to your advantage to take selfies. Who knew?
Tip 14: Firefighters should probably focus on fires, not selfies. Just a suggestion.
Tip 15: When taking a glamour selfie you should always check that you aren’t being photo bombed by large people in underwear.
Tip 16: If you get up to strange things in private, they should probably stay private. Speaking of private… What is that object on his penis?
Tip 17: Women with wet crutches shouldn’t sit on men’s shoulders – and men taking selfies shouldn’t look so damn happy about it!
Tip 18: When taking a selfie in front of a mirror always be aware of what your reflection looks like from behind.
Tip 19: Taking this sort of selfie can only end up as a fail. He’s either exceptionally well tucked in, or not hiding much behind that phone…
Tip 20: If you deep throat a banana while at work, it’s probably not the best idea to take a selfie of it. Your colleagues will most likely have cameras and you’ll end up on the internet for all the wrong reasons. Mum will be so proud.
Tip 21: Looking good beautiful, but it’s probably best to take selfies when you’re OFF the toilet.
Tip 22: If taking a selfie to look sexy, this probably isn’t the best way to achieve it. Props for getting nanna in on the action though.
Tip 23: If you must take selfies in the toilet, for God’s sake flush! #EW
Tip 24: One way to piss off your friends is to take a selfie while they on the toilet. Another way is to position the lens so it captures the pad placed neatly inside their underwear.
Tip 25: When taking a selfie capture the reaction of bystanders for additional entertainment.
Tip 26: Now, if there’s 2 dogs humping in the background of your selfie, at least crack a smile.
Tip 27: Some selfies are best taken only from behind to capture the impression you’re after.
Tip 28: The final selfie tip for today is to ALWAYS be aware of the roles that shadows play in photography!
Images via Various Sources
Common sense is something we learn as we grow up. However, some people’s thought process’ in certain situations makes me wonder if that’s true. I mean, why do people think their car can fit into a trolley bay, or that climbing a 10 foot ladder balanced on cardboard boxes is safe? The mind really does boggle when we see some of these things.
Thankfully, since the age of the smartphone, most of us are prepared to forever capture others bending the boundaries of logic – and it does provide us with some amusing entertainment. I’ve sourced a tiny snippet of some of these bizarre behaviours, which i’m sure you’ll be jut as surprised as I was as to how many snapshots and videos there are of people doing crazy or lazy things!
Moving debris from the road prior to marking was obviously not in their job description.
There’s a few interesting things about this one:
- Does the witness watch this nightly news channel and get their eye witness description a little mixed up?
- Did producers not notice the similarity?
- I wonder how many people called this in as a possible sighting?
- Or most importantly, is this presenter the rapist they are searching for?
I suppose you can’t do this with a regular jack. Good thinking, man about to be squished under his vehicle.
Someone should have explained to poor old grandma that they now make electric kettles.
Honestly, is parking really that difficult?
Evidence of why some people really shouldn’t reproduce.
I suppose it would be difficult moving furniture with a scooter. Ten out of ten for using imagination and initiative to get this difficult job done with resources on hand. I would have added a second helmet for the passenger as an additional safety measure, however.
Now, the store would have had to of loaded this vehicle up and no-one thought it was a bad idea…
There’s always one pyromaniac sitting around a peaceful camp fire, isn’t there?
If this place was located in Australia, I’d guarantee it would quickly get itself a nickname.
Some people really do make their lives more difficult than it should be, don’t they?
Looks like laziness is highly contagious. Take the stairs, you lazy buggers!
They’re obviously not expecting a workplace inspector anytime soon!
This wouldn’t be such a bad set up if electricity and water wasn’t so damn deadly. But hey, at least you wouldn’t get dehydrated at your work-space. Ha!
Observational learning has obviously failed here.
The drive-though: Isn’t is incredible how people will do anything to just stay in their vehicle to make life easier?
Now here is a conundrum – does he really want it to work… Like really?
This mum is either very strong or the wind gave her a hand to get her toddler so high into the air. Either way, let’s hope she can catch as good as she throws!
Male thinking. Sorry fellas, you know it’s true.
Besides that fact that her kid’s holding onto a porn DVD, she looks like a pretty regular mum, doesn’t she? Minus the flogging t-shirt. Pity we can’t see the remainder of it…
Are they kidding?
I guess this is one way to improve strength and balance at the same time. However, I can honestly say that I’ve never seen it done like this before. Also, making the lift would be quite a task. Pity they don’t have a step-by-step guide for others to try it. I mean, why wouldn’t you want to put yourself at risk of busting a knee or breaking your back if it was a highly effective?
Images via Various Sources
Our interstate move was planned about six months ago. It should have been pretty simple really: Organise housing, utilities and a truck to move all of our stuff. Of course nothing ever goes according to plan, however.
I should have know it wasn’t going to be smooth sailing three weeks prior to the move when a very close friend passed away. While there’s nothing funny about death, I’m certain he timed it just to add as much stress as possible – he was exceptionally well known to do that – God bless him!
So, off we flew for a day trip to his funeral knowing full well in three short weeks we’d also need to find the money to move back there permanently. Mind you, we had lent the cash to said friend with the promise he’d pay it back. Now, that obviously wasn’t going to happen. Financially we were pretty much screwed; and emotionally, well let’s just say our family was totally crushed. In hindsight, we probably should have put off the move; but despite our financial woes and tremendous grief, we soldiered on.
We packed up our belongings and were set to take our furniture from an uncles shed. In the meantime, we’d been lucky to rent an amazing holiday house on the beach and hadn’t needed it. The only thing was that the truck was full before we left the house. How did we manage collect so much crap? Hmm… Quite the conundrum.
So, instead of offloading to make room from furniture, we set off with the beds, our electrical stuff, a fridge (minus the shelves, oops!), a washing machine, two motor bikes and a convoy of beloved belongings, all of which managed to load up an entire four tone truck, a Tarago and a Mazda 626.
Mind you, we had no actual home to go to. All 50 plus rental applications I’d submitted online were never opened. Apparently most agents accept this nifty facility, but unless you correspond directly with them the application is 100 percent useless. Of course in my haste to secure a place to live, deal with our friends death and our increasing financial strain, I didn’t take any notice of this until 2 days before the move.
Luckily a dear friend offered us a place to live for three weeks until her lease expired. The place had no heating, 2 bedrooms and was ready for a wrecking ball, but she’d already moved out so it was vacant. Or at least we’d thought. In the days prior to our move her daughter required a temporary roof for her friends. The empty place soon became home to 7 tenants, all aged sporadically between 16 and 45, all of who shared only two precious house keys. Not exactly the touch down I’d envisaged for our long awaited interstate move.
Obviously things were looking fairly bleak, so off I trotted to every open inspection in search of a suitable home. Our list of wants quickly became a list of needs, and the race to find a home began. Despite fabulous references and being a former home owner myself, it wasn’t enough. Weeks passed before I finally spoke to a sympathetic agent and who directed me to an empty property.
From the outside I could see potential, but the tired old abode needed serious TLC – and that was just the exterior. I was determined to make this a home, so despite obvious flaws I booked an inspection. The chatty agent told me she had no other interested parties and she managed to capture my attention for the entire five minute of viewing. Out of desperation to find a place I sped through our list of needs; three bedrooms – check; shed – check; ducted air-con – yep. Where do I sign?
Within two days we got the keys; and soon after the power was connected so we finally left the halfway inn. Hurrah! Upon collecting a fist full of keys to our new home, only one set gave us access through the front door. Perhaps they’d had a bit of bother and had to change the locks a few times, I thought? The house on closer inspection was grottier than any place I’d ever lived. What the hell had I done? The agent had said there had been trouble with previous tenants but it was cleaned “beautifully.”
Beautifully? Really? Every surface in and out of the house needed wiping or scrubbing, plus the curtains all needed re-hanging and a damn good wash. We even used the high pressure hose to clean the bathroom before we used it because it was so damn filthy! Perhaps her definition of “beautifully” was skewed.
Not long after I discovered particular lights didn’t work, the electric roller door was now manually operated, the manuals instructing how to operate the ducting (which we’d signed for to say we received) were all missing, and the list of broken or damaged items grew with every space I inspected. I even managed to eliminate a baby snake in the backyard because it was so overgrown. No wonder no-one else wanted the place!
Now, I get that certain obstacles are put on our path to test us. But this, this was an exam and I hadn’t studied! Obviously this is just the quick version of our interstate move from hell – don’t even get me started on the longer version. But to give you a glimpse of how well it’s been going, we consistently have people looking for former tenants at 1am, and have even incurred a visit from the police in search of them. Oh, the joys!
By day three in the new place after having cleaned, sourced and collected furniture, looked after the family and squeezed in minimal hours of sleep, I did what any sane person would do: I lost my shit! I effectively announced my arrival to the neighborhood and let’s just say, they probably think some nutter has just moved in – a very loud one with multiple grievances!
The upside to all this? Well, sometimes you need to search hard for the upside. BUT, the house is looking more and more like a home and it’s happened in less than a week. After a good clean and having plans in place to neaten it up, it’s not actually all that bad. We’ve had some awesome friends who’ve helped us out along the way and found some very kind strangers who’ve donated furniture. The kids are really happy and despite rising tensions, my partner is back to the loving man I adore.
When you stop and think about how communication has changed in the last twenty years it’s pretty awesome. We can be virtually anywhere in the world at anytime and communicate with others via text. We don’t need to wait to be face to face or even voice to voice to speak.
This does however open the law of averages to work against us. For every positive change welcomes a brand new negative. That’s harmless enough considering the convenience we all experience isn’t it? It might be a stray text to a stranger or unwitting recipient or perhaps the infamous auto-correct with a brain of it’s own. Others may use text to say things to people they’d NEVER say face to face and then of course there’s that misunderstanding which sometimes occurs with all types of digital communication.
For us onlookers it’s all pretty funny, but please spare a thought for a few the people actually receiving some of these. You’ll know which ones I mean after you take a look. So let’s see first hand how the wonderful law of averages is working against some people out there!
Man talk 101.
Toast… goat. Pissed… coffee. We can all see how spell check did that can’t we?
No dude, not too drunk at all.
Is this fate’s way of saying don’t go to the party?
Clearly auto correct has sex on the brain.
The slipped finger phenomenon.
Clearly not the response they were hoping for?
Notice when “image” was mentioned it helped provide the visual.
Yet a second visually appealing text.
Speaking of visuals. Does that really look like a vagina?
Poor Moooma ain’t loosing that weight any time soon.
Proof that people can actually text without a single operational brain cell.
This dad just had his heart restated without a defibrillator.
What an evil little ……!
Awesome way to get rid of the kids! Anyone seen my phone?
Prime example of a great father / son relationship.
Anyone willing to offer this child some Pro-Bono counseling?
Great way to suppress a thriving libido.
One for Mum and minus zero for smart ass.
Way to give ya boys some confidence with the ladies!
I’d vote this man Father of the Year.
How can she continue to 🙂 after that initial text?
This last one actually makes me feel like a better parent.
So, I hope you all enjoyed the second round of funny texts. I’ll admit, not as funny as the first round but hey, some of those were just too hard to beat. No matter how hard I searched! Hopefully in a few more months people will come up with some more funny texts to entertain us. In the meantime if you have something tucked away that’s witty or funny and you think others will enjoy, we’d love to hear from you.
Last weeks weekend wit complete with wayward text messages will be hard to beat. I hope you all got a good laugh. I know I did!
This week I’ve sourced some strange and amusing signs from around the globe. Whether or not some people realise it, they too have provided us with yet another form of entertainment.
Nice to see they still have hold of their beer.
I wonder who pays?
I take it he wasn’t in sales? Or perhaps he was.
This is just a cruel joke, isn’t it?
I bet they will.
Was it the spelling they didn’t want to get wrong?
Now I reckon this house would probably be a bargain.
Ouch! What’s the saying about a woman scorned?
“Where the word is preached and the people are reached.”
Sharp elementary school. Very sharp.
Is this really going to assist water conservation people?
Ladies, I think you’d agree. No way in hell!
Sponge Bob… HR specialist.
Putting fun into falling.
The new McRape. I wonder if it comes with a special sauce?
Yes Dave, you will be very sadly missed. However we are eager to replace you.
“Bartender. I’ll have a beer and keep em comin’. Plus the $5 special. Cheers mate.”
How many highly paid professionals approved this billboard? Worth every cent, wasn’t it.
Now this one is advertising genius! What a great idea to drum up business. I hope they took notice of the words and not just the boobs.
At least they give you a heads up.
Yuk! Bad visual.
Isn’t it good to see that our tax-payer funds are being well spent?
Images Via Pinterest And Other Random Places On The Internet
The beloved Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory might be onto something with that relationship agreement of his. So I’ve come up with one most people in a relationship would probably agree with that includes all the goods for both genders.
I’ll start with farting, bin night and remote controls. Yep! Then I’ll move onto waiting, knowing a real yes from a fake yes and menstrual cycles. That’s a bit of a give away, isn’t it? The last is an ultimatum for anyone sleeping with a snorer. So, lets see what this relationship agreement looks like, shall we?
While we know men win the quantity war, when it comes to quality, ladies win hands down. All that holding in really does pay off big time, boys! So in a relationship agreement I’d like to place a few restrictions on farting.
Farting on your partner: Fun, but no, we can lose that. Dropping your guts in a confined space and locking your partner in to sample your handy work is out. Also, slipping out a silent but deadly variety in public: Do not stand next to your partner and walk away so people think it’s her. Basically, I’d like to take the ‘torture your partner’ element right out of farting. Sound fair?
2. Bin night
Ironically councils pick up bins on a schedule. Learn the schedule! Surely you don’t need to be told each week that it’s bin night OR which bin goes out? You know what’s on channel 7 each night so schedule it to coincide with your favorite TV show and voila, remembered!
3. Remote controls
Relationship agreement issue number three: Remote controls should have equal time in front of BOTH partners. Plus, channel surfing during commercials should only be done if you can time the surfing correctly. Don’t linger and forget which show you are watching. Plus, there are menu’s available on remote controls to choose a channel – it’s usually marked EPG and sometimes it’s red and sometimes it’s black. Please use it! Channel surfing for the person not in control of the remote is just plain irritating.
If you consistently make your partner wait for you, please stop! Surely it doesn’t take 25 minutes to buy milk at the shop while they wait in the car? An hour to get ready (if they’re lucky)? Maybe it’s making that cuppa in the middle of a DVD when you suddenly get an urge to do the dishes or clean the kitchen while they’re are waiting? It CAN be done tomorrow.
5. Real yes vs a fake yes
When your partner says yes to something they really don’t want to do, don’t take them up on it. Get to know the vital difference between a real yes and a fake yes. An example is shopping: Your partner has NO desire to window shop. Putting them through it is just torturous.
You know you only ask to be polite anyway. And he only says yes to be polite back. You really don’t care if he comes along. In fact, let’s be honest – it’s better when he doesn’t. When you hear a fake yes, take it at face value as the no they’d prefer to say. Sometimes they are just too scared to say the ‘n’ word in case it does mean something to you and you never let them forget it.
6. Your menstrual cycle
Now unless you are about to have sex, your partner does not want to know anything about what time of the month it is. Let’s make this a ‘need to know’ item on the relationship agreement. They don’t need to know if you feel like your uterus is being ripped away and literally dragged into your vagina by forces of nature. Take a pill, vanish the pain and shut up about it. They have nothing to compare it with to understand anyway.
The thing to remember is this: The image they want of your vagina has NOTHING to do with menstrual cycles. And they’d very much prefer to keep it that way!
7. The ultimate relationship agreement item
If either of you snores and keeps their partner up all night, go to the damn doctor! Laying next to a freight train all night literally makes people sick because they can’t sleep. Don’t make your partner race off to bed to get to sleep before you. Don’t make them stuff paper or plugs in their ears to drown out the sound. And don’t use it as payback for something you find irritating about them (no matter how tempting that really does sound). You can’t make them suffer in what they wish was silence!
This Weekend Wit article is about those weird and wonderful sex noises that happen. And while most of us know what they are, people rarely talk about them. Even lovers avoid those conversations. Can you imagine? “Hey babe, how was that incredible sound of air gushing out your vagina!?”
Some people can be a little concerned about the weird noises bodies make during sex. And some are so self-conscious about it they get up and bolt. We humans are a funny species aren’t we? So grab that cuppa, because you’re about to be entertained by the human side of weird and wonderful sex noises.
Don’t people make some weird facial expressions and noises when they climax? There’s that puffing and panting that goes on and makes humans sound more like overheated furry animals for a start; then I’ve heard people describing their lovers orgasm as a host of different things such as a dying cat, a birthing cow and even a whale on heat (to name a few). I don’t know what a whale on heat sounds like but it seems a little too offensive to be endearing, don’t you think?
Then there’s the “oh my god” statements. “Yesssss” cries and let’s not forget the name calling; “oh (insert name here).” They are all pretty standard, but what about people calling out the wrong name? I’ve never been in that situation so I can’t really comment, but what do people do when that happens? Do they stop mid orgasm? Do they finish? Do they run for the bathroom? Hmm, that’s a weird sex noise of a different category. Possibly the shameful variety? Anyone care to share their misfortune?
Anyway, have you ever noticed that some orgasm noises can sound a lot like a person being murdered? Think about it. Imagine the movies with sex scenes verses murder scenes. Now try and distinguish the audio between the two – hopefully you can hear what I mean.
Who would have thought there was so much similarity between the audio of pleasure and pain. The perplexing question is why? Shouldn’t humans have an exclusive ‘I’m being murdered’ noise and a ‘I’m having an orgasm’ noise? Humans are weird creatures indeed.
Suction cup noises
When two moist surfaces stick together they sometimes make a loud suction cup noise when they separate – kind of like a slurpy sound when you suck hard on a smoothie. It can happen to hot sweaty bodies in the throws of passion, especially if there’s a bit of loose flesh about. It’s also one of those sex noises that doesn’t happen often. So when it does it’s worth at least a few giggles, don’t you think?
Now, I read a sad story about one lady who got so embarrassed when it happened that she bolted out of the room. This screams one-night stand! She should have taken advantage of her situation and made as many weird and wonderful sex noises as possible – at least the experience would have been remembered for all the right reasons. It’s surprising she didn’t slip – she got out of there so damn fast.
Air escaping the vagina sounds are like a loud fanny fart without the smell. It happens because the penis pushes air into the vagina during the in-out action of sex. The air has got to go somewhere, so when it does it’s usually after sex or when a woman suddenly change positions. Guys, if it does happen, don’t ask your partner: “Did you just fart?” It sort of ruins the moment!
When a women is really wet or the couple have poured a bottle of lube on their genitals, that squishy sound happens. Some people love it and say it’s the best sound of sex, while others aren’t as enthusiastic – they find these sex noises downright embarrassing and just want it to stop.
One women questioned if she was too wet – suffice to say she got plenty of positive feedback. She quickly found out that the words ‘too wet’ in this context should never be considered a problem.
Oral sex noises
The last one on the list for today is oral sex noises. I’m talking about the person with their face full doing the work, not the person laying back and enjoying it. There’s gagging, gasping and those trying to breathe noises going on. It can actually sound very concerning and in any other situation their lover would probably offer some help. Who would have thought the sounds of choking or running out of oxygen would be such a turn on for so many people?
Image via Apartment Therapy
Life as a non-drinking Aussie isn’t easy. In fact, I’d liken it to trying to remain a virgin in a whore house. Now we all know there’s usually someone keen who’s trying to bed the virgin, right? Well, being a non-drinker when everyone else is drinking can be much the same.
It doesn’t matter what the occasion either. Family gatherings, barbecues, festivals, sporting events – it’s normal Aussie behaviour to have a drink in your hand.
I even ended up at a baptist church picnic and the conversion began. Not the religious variety which I had anticipated either. I went along expecting a dry event and reprieve from the relentless onslaught. Yet out came the bottle of bubbly and wham-o! As I passed my plastic picnic glass along the familiar conversation about my abnormality began.
Now if I wasn’t safe among the God fearing Christians…actually strike that. The monks have always had a hankering for mead. Plus they do drink wine in church. Add the fact they were Australian and thinking back I was being totally naive. What was I thinking?
I should have known that if there’s an excuse to crack a can or pop a cork Aussie’s will generally support it. Look at Australia Day? Even though most people need to return to work the next day it’s no deterrent. Our culture dictates we all want to have fun but it also encourages that we should be drinking to do it.
I recent heard a survey on the radio that stated something like 60% of Victorians don’t drink alcohol to get drunk. So I’m not a total alien after all but that does mean that the remaining 40% are out to have a damn good time! Maybe that’s the populations percentage I’m surrounded by?
Now I’m not against having a drink or dozen if that’s what you wana do. It’s just that I’ve been there done that and don’t feel like drinking anymore. The thing I just don’ get is why a non-drinking Aussie has the capacity to make the drinkers so uncomfortable?
Is it because they’re worried their drunken escapades will end up on social media? From what I’ve witnessed I reckon they’re more than capable of doing that themselves. Isn’t it a fact that some drunken Aussie invented the selfie? Probably not but it shoulda been.
As a sober Aussie among the drinkers I can and do join in the fun but sometimes the different wave lengths are a little annoying. Quite often drunk Aussies aren’t nearly as funny as they think they are. It’s amazing what this lot will laugh at and consider funny.
Thankfully the term designated driver is now a valid excuse for choosing coffee over champaz. I would have hated to be a non-drinking Aussie twenty plus years ago though. Driving wasn’t accepted as a valid excuse to remaining sober. They’re weren’t designated drivers. They just had those who weren’t as wasted as the others and they were thrown the car keys! Imagine the peer pressure back then?
Yeah, life as a sober Aussie isn’t for the faint hearted. For many the more times they say no to a drink the more times it’s offered. (That’s a tip for anyone wanting free alcohol BTW) Mind you us teetotalers do come in handy. Which Aussie on a mission wouldn’t want a willing allocated driver for those occasions hey? Come to think of it I do get invited to a lot of outings. Umm, maybe being a non-drinking Aussie isn’t such a bad thing after all?!
Image via theleader.com.au
The dreaded walk of shame. This person has just snuck out of someone’s home, at 6 am, riddled with self doubt, confusion; possibly a snippet of self loathing. They have a chronic hangover and have little recollection of the previous night. All they know is, when they awoke, they felt a sickening shock at realising they weren’t alone. Who the hell is that? Where did they meet? OMG, what’s their name?
Their only tangible thought is to get the hell out of wherever they are right that second. They would make a dash for the door if they weren’t completely naked. There’s a high possibility they’re about to take an underwear-free walk. What they really need is their phone. Like many humans, life without their phone is an existence just not worth considering.
There’s no way they want to interact with this nameless stranger. Maybe if they leave quick enough, the stranger won’t even recall they were there. Yes, sounds like a plan. They begin creeping around the house, trying to be as quite as taking a poop in a public toilet; but, of course, the quieter they try to be, the louder they are and cringe each time they make a sound.
Heading back to the bedroom, they discover both of their phones sticking out from under the stranger’s pillow. WTF? Oh, no. Is there a recording of this experience? Instantaneously, a whole new level of shame is realised. Contemplating how to retain their dignity, they stand over the stranger and gently attempt to pry the phones from under the pillow. Bit by bit, they get closer to their claim and, after a good five minutes, they finally have both. Phew!
Walking into another room, attempting the password on the stranger’s phone, they think to themselves ‘this could take forever’. Should they steal the stranger’s phone, just in case? Maybe they could take it, have it wiped it clean and mail it back. Oh decisions, decisions!
Determined to sustain at least some level of their previous self respect, they decide to leave the phone and make the getaway. Hopefully, there’s another reason why the phones were under the pillow.
Semi-dressed, they make their way to the door. As anticipated, it will be an underwear-free walk. Opening the door as quietly as possible, they step out and just as they begin to close it gently behind them, a gust of wind comes past and slams it shut, like a nail being belted into a coffin. BANG! Run is their first instinctive thought.
So, rapidly, the underwear-free walk of shame becomes a sprint, which carries on for a block. By then they are totally spent because of all the alcohol they consumed the night before. Additionally, they receive a text. It’s 6 am, who’s texting at this time of the morning? This can’t be good.
Looking down at the name of the sender, they think for themselves ‘I don’t know anyone named…’ Oh, yes, they do. Yep, just as they suspected, it’s not good. That’s why the phones were under the pillow. They’d swapped numbers. The now-named stranger sent a text: “You left your keys”.
Image via http://www.writtalin.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/one_night_stand.jpg
Kids come out with some classic comments. There’s very little social convention, growing brains are always ticking away and they say whatever comes to mind in raw honesty. Here’s a tiny snippet of what some kids have had to say.
A young family was on holiday, trekking across the countryside. The mother was heavily pregnant and it was a staggering 40 degrees outside the car and not much cooler within it. Nearing closer to the Murray River, the mother stated, “When we get to the river, I’m going in.” The small voice from the back seat was shocked at the mother’s proposal, “You can’t go in that yucky muddy river, mummy. What if the baby gets borned and can’t find its way to the top?” Apparently, she was very concerned the baby would somehow slip out of her mother whilst in the muddy water and be unable to swim their way to the surface!
Taking the kids to the hairdressers can be a challenge. On one occasion, a young child sat down in the salon chair and the hairdresser began to cut. After a few moments, the young person looked sternly into the mirror, announcing: “You do know your scissors are blunt, don’t you?” Astounded at what had been said, the hairdresser looked down at the scissors and, sure enough, they were!
There was an Aussie kid at school learning about coins and currency for the first time. The teacher held up a 20-cent piece and asked the class what it was. “20!” exclaimed a young boy. “20 what?” asked the teacher, expecting to hear the word ‘cents’ as she had for many years prior. “Platypuses!” answered the child proudly. The teacher was totally taken aback and, during her lunch break, told the entire staff room about her precious pupil. From that day forth, each time the teacher saw a 20-cent piece, she thought of those 20 ‘platypuses’, lovingly named because of the image on the coin.
Girl in boys clothes?
A mother was preparing dinner in an adjoining kitchen when her child, who was watching Ellen, announced, “She dresses like a boy.” “She does,” said mum. Several years later, in the same situation, the child stated, “Did you know Ellen is a lesbian, mum? I always wondered why she dressed like a boy.” Apparently, it had taken all that time, to process a conclusion.
The parents of a young boy were sitting watching TV while their 10-year-old had a shower. Wrapped waist-height in a towel, the young man walked into the room and announced to them, “I’m puberty! I’ve got a hair on my old fella!” He had the concept right, but his way of describing his remarkable discovery was priceless.
Image via teachingintheearlyyears.com
As we all know, life can be pretty ordinary at times and what a better way to destress, than a bit of comedy. We’re not talking fart jokes, either! Here at SHESAID we believe our readers are considerably more sophisticated than that. So our aim is to provide you will some good old fashioned, belly aching funnies, based on all the things which crop up on this adventure we call life. So, top up ya cuppa, throw the kids or pets outside and enjoy the ride!
Technology. Great invention, isn’t it? But what about when it doesn’t work for you? If you’re reading this, you’ve probably been there. If not… bugger off because you are either way too young or far too intelligent to find this funny anyway.
So, there you are, ready to surf the net or maybe you have something more important to do (what, I don’t know!) and the damn internet won’t co-operate.
First of all, you reached out for your favourite tech expert. Unfortunately, it’s nap time or they are at school and they can’t help you. Damn! Plan B is to turn the device off and restart it. You think to yourself, yep this will work. After waiting 5 minutes for this to happen, you realise you wasted 5 minutes of your precious life. Still no net on your device.
Lots of us would then do a google search on another device. Ahhh, at least that works! Or does it? You choose a site to head to, out of the 189, 006 that are available and start reading. Nope, nothing helpful here. So you head to the next and the next and the next. After opening 20 sites, you’ve struck gold! There it is – a step by step YouTube video on how to fix your problem.
You click on the video and wait while it’s buffering; which stops and starts like an old man with a poor prostate. After spending another 15 minutes of your life watching the demonstration, you are told this only works on a particular model, version or whatever else makes your device incompatible. Now, why the heck didn’t they tell you that at the start?
You continue to search by the model number, item and whatever else needs to be completely specific. An hour has gone by, as you’ve tried to fix the problem. Your bloody pressure is rising and your heart is pumping. Not to the point where you’re about to loose it though; that will come later.
You finally find something which looks might it might help you, but probably won’t, so you try the step by step instructions anyway. You know it won’t fix your problem, but you’re mighty determined. This sucka ain’t guna beat you! Seriously, how hard hard can it be? It’s a piece of plastic, people. Even though it’s clearly an inanimate object, it does have a brain of its own and at the moment, it’s winning!
So, you sit and ponder for a while. Contemplate throwing said item out of the closest window and decide instead, to get up and walk away. You’ve reached that point of no return. Right at that moment, the tech expert you wanted at the beginning, crawls or walks into the room. Ahhh, you breath a sigh of relief! Seeing the look on your face, they smile and sit down in front of the item. Within about half a split second, they turn to you and say, “I’ve fixed it.”
You give them an approving smile and a giant hug, while thinking of choking them, because you have no idea what the heck they did to fix the internet issue and the fact they have no intention of telling you their secret. You’ve been completely outsmarted, by a chunk of plastic and a snotty-nosed kid!
You look down at the screen and realise that you had forgotten to switch to the wireless setting! Seriously, could it have been that easy? Ah, yeah. You realise you have just wasted another hour and a half of your precious life, plus added several wrinkles and grey hairs to your evolving collection.
Image via visionapp.wordpress.com