Motherhood didn’t become my identity– it helped me find it.
The good news is, it’s never too late to get your identity back.
New wedding trend alert: In a move sure to make both misogynists and the anti-feminism movement choke on their cornflakes, some very modern and evolved men are – gasp – bucking tradition by taking their wives’ surnames upon marriage.
Recently, a story I wrote for SHESAID questioning why so many women still say “I do” to their husband’s name stirred up the trolls on my social media platforms. Feminism means choice, but in an age when domestic violence against women is our nation’s biggest human rights injustice, I pondered just how many women are actually forced to give up their maiden names – along with their identities and independence – when they marry.
Now, men like San Diego’s Mark Tyler, 36 – a self-described “house-husband” who came forward via Twitter to share his story – are redefining and challenging traditional marriage mores. In a wonderful show of mutual respect and commitment, Mark and his lawyer wife Carol, 38, made the decision for him to assume her last name, while also making his former last name Harper his new middle name, when they married in 2011. The couple’s three young children also take their mother’s name, as will their fourth child, due this November.
Yet is it still so rare for a man to take a woman’s surname that new research shows up to 97 per cent of men keep their last name after marriage. So, why is this so? And why do so many people assume men will feel emasculated if they give up their surnames, just as society has demanded of women for centuries?
“A husband taking his wife’s name is a very 21st-century idea,” social demographer Bernard Salt has said. “It’s very much a Generation Y trait and I think it reflects the changing nature of relationships.” And, he cautioned men on the stigma attached to it: “People who are forerunners of social change are always remarked upon and sometimes teased and mocked.”
In search of further wedding industry statistics on how often it occurs, I consulted veteran professional wedding musician Marty Sima (aka my husband), who has performed at hundreds of Queensland weddings.
“I’ve never heard of a man choosing to take a women’s surname upon marriage before,” Marty says. “However, what I have noticed of late is an increasing number of women choosing to keep their maiden names.
“It’s whatever works for each couple – everyone’s marital expectations are different. However, the very non-traditional practice of a man taking a woman’s surname might cause friction in a couple’s family with the older generation and more traditional religious types.”
And the refreshingly bold gender role reversal isn’t just extremely rare in real life. In celebrity land, it’s unheard of, with A-list actress Zoe Saldana and her artist husband Marco Saldana (pictured), formerly known as Marco Perego, shocking the world when he also opted to take her last name when they got hitched.
For Mark Tyler, a former banking executive, it’s about being secure enough in his masculinity to not only challenge society’s outdated notions of whom should be the breadwinner, but also kick traditional wedding naming customs in the arse.
“When we had our first daughter, I changed my schedule to be part-time,” Mark says. “Once our son came along, in June 2013, I quit my job and stayed home full-time. I’m not really sure that I feel evolved, I just feel like we did a good thing here, which made sense for both of us. The bottom line is that Carol did not want to change her last name, largely because she had already established it in her work, and I wanted us to have the same family name. So in that way, we both got what we wanted.
“We never talked about any name issues until we got engaged, when we talked a great deal about how we wanted to have our lives. Given our different abilities and dispositions, we agreed that Carol would be the primary breadwinner and that I would have the secondary job and, if we had children, would be the primary caretaker.
“When Carol said that she really wanted to keep her name, I told her that I fully understood. At that point, she said half jokingly: ‘Of course, you could always take my last name’. Well, I actually thought about it and did some research. It is unusual; I don’t know any other men who have done so.
“Then, about six weeks before the wedding, I decided to do it. I told her on Christmas eve; it was a Christmas present to her. About a week before the wedding, we told my family and friends. The reactions were mixed, to say the least. My family was very upset and hers was not pleased either. My friends were about 50/50 on it, while her friends thought it was an awesome idea.”
Undeterred, the couple pressed ahead with their plans and got quite the response at their wedding too. “The big day came and we had a great ceremony,” Mark says. “At the end, the minister asked us to face the audience and said: ‘I’m proud to introduce for the first time Carol and Mark Tyler’. It was the funniest thing; it seemed like the entire audience took a collective gasp. Then there was applause and cheering as we kissed and then walked down the aisle.
“When I originally made the decision, it was important for me to keep my old last name of Harper as part of my name, so I made my middle name. I think that the only amazing thing about this is that I am a man. Virtually every part of the story, including the outcome of taking the spouse’s name, is what women have been doing forever.
“I would definitely do it again, but there were some bumps in the road. Firstly, despite the fact that I made the decision after much thinking and talking, I was still taken aback the first few times I was addressed as Tyler. And I have to admit that I went through the same type of identity crisis that a lot of women do when they change their last names. Plus, the obvious flak from the family and some of my friends was difficult at times and the laborious paperwork that went into this; what a pain in the neck.
“However, the positives so outweigh the negatives. I really like the family unity that a single, shared last name conveys. Second, when I see or hear my name, I almost immediately think of Carol, which is fantastic. Third, it’s still great to honour Carol by taking her last name. In fact, small correction: shortly before the birth of our first daughter, one of Carol’s friends complimented me on taking her last name. And Carol quickly corrected her: ‘Since the wedding, it’s been OUR last name!’ That is certainly how I feel now. Some of our friends joke that we are a 21st-century couple and I think that that is basically true.”
Images via telegraph.co.uk, salon.com, naivetocultured.wordpress.com
As women, we’re fortunate our feminist forebears fought for and won us many equal rights and opportunities, not to mention choices. While it’s still widespread custom for women to assume their husbands’ surnames upon marriage – there is no law which governs we have to.
And yet, the vast majority of women in Australia and the US are opting to say “I do” to their husband’s name, which – in all frankness – I think is kinda bullshit. Why is this the norm: an archaic, patriarchal English practice, which traditionally saw a woman cease to exist in their own right, unable to hold property, vote or have any legal standing outside of that of her husband?
Recent Australian research has even estimated the number of married women who assume their husband’s name in this country to be as high as between 80-95 per cent. Conversely, men still rarely change their surnames – what a preposterous notion (insert sarcasm font here) – with up to 97 per cent of men keeping their last name after marriage, according to the same research.
Now, I adore my husband and I believe in the sanctity of marriage – but there was no way in hell I was changing my maiden name to my husband’s when we married. We discussed it, of course, and I’m thankful my husband is evolved enough and sufficiently secure in both himself and my love, to accept the fact I have not, and never will, legally change my name to his.
As a mark of respect to him though, I do hyphenate my byline name in print. As a journalist with 20 years experience in newspapers and magazines, it felt really wrong to completely give up my hard-fought work identity when we married. Besides which, my late father’s Carrington name is one I hold especially dear since he passed 13 years ago; I do not want to ever sever that shared bond in name.
Naturally, as a feminist (or otherwise) women again have the right to choose here; I’m just baffled by why so many women seemingly willingly want to change their names – or are they being pressured into it? It’s 2015, but we’re still living like it’s the 12th century? Are men so insecure they’re making it impossible for their wives to happily make the choice to retain their maiden names?
I was fiercely independent when I met my husband and I still hold that dear; I passionately believe a woman’s identity shouldn’t dramatically change upon marriage. Just because you meet and fall in love, why should you give up those parts of yourself which are uniquely you? And surely, someone who really loves and accepts you, wouldn’t ask or expect that of you either? I am not my husband’s property – shudder.
Of course, in life it’s not easy to buck the trend – I have, on occasion, been forced to justify to various people as to why I have chosen to keep my maiden name. “Doesn’t your husband mind?” said one woman recently, aghast. And I know my Czech/Australian mother-in-law was most baffled by my choice, when my husband and I married, though we’ve never spoken of it directly to each other.
But you know what? Some things in life are worth fighting for: I choose to maintain my own identity, thanks very much. I’ll keep the Carrington as my legal name because attached to that sense of self is a lot of hard-fought lessons, achievements, joy, pain, love and learning etched into the character lines of it.
And while some traditions are undoubtedly worth preserving, such as the institution of marriage, even the definition of it must progress and evolve to allow for the inclusion of same-sex couples, for example. Surely the same is true with women’s married names? It’s time for women to say no to losing their names – no one needs any more to be merely a husband’s wife. Isn’t it time we stopped asking and expecting that of women?
What do you think? Will your keep your married name?
Images via marriagenamechange.com, expertbeacon.com, infinityphotography.com
Ever been told things happen for a reason? Yes, even being on the receiving end of a bad haircut! Recently, I went into a new hairdresser and asked for the Jennifer Aniston look. I hadn’t had a cut for a long time because I’d changed states and was a bit hesitant (to say the least) about letting a new hairdresser touch my precious locks. Lengthwise; it was long. Damn long!
Needless to say, I walked out with a short bob. My initial response was WTF! Not only had this new hairdresser neglected to do as I asked, but I’d lost at least 15 cm of pure length. The horror! Jennifer Aniston’s style was, therefore; totally out of the question. So, I walked out of the salon with murderous intent because the ‘professional’ with scissors had snipped away at my identity.
After a few hours of despair, self pity and all that crap, I decided to flip my attitude and considered myself quite lucky. Loads of people get the same hair cut – time after time. With a bad cut, you have an opportunity to experiment with something different. It’s all in the attitude. You can either sulk about it until your hair grows back or you can turn lemons into lemonade. And here’s a few tips on how to do just that.
1. Avoid DIY cutting
Put down the scissors NOW! DIY works well for a variety of other things but fixing your haircut really isn’t one of them. It doesn’t matter if you have a bit of experience, either. Chances are you are probably a bit emotional and what starts as a bad hair cut could end up being a total disaster.
2. Check out the latest styles
Jump on the internet and check out the latest styles. Work out what will suit you and be realistic about achieving it. If you’ve had long hair for a while, going short will be a big change and you will need some time to get used to it. Make the best of the situation and think sexy! There are plenty of sexy shorter styles, which may look better than your previous long locks.
3. Using what you have
If you have natural curls, reinventing a bad haircut will be fairly easy. If you have straight hair, you may want to invest in a curling wand or opt for an even shorter look. You will need to go to another hairdresser to have it done. Either way, think about what type of hair you have and work out ways to make that bad hair cut work for you.
Most of us have a few products tucked away. It’s time to use them. If you don’t have any, think about what you want to achieve, go and spend a bit of money and buy them. They aren’t going to break the bank and they will make you feel better. It’s tough to put a price on that! For example, the wet look is really sexy and suits lots of different hair styles. Applying it is easy and you can get the look you are after. Plus, it can cost as little as $10.
It doesn’t matter what your hair looks like. Beauty comes from within. If you walk around with a shitty attitude, it will shine through. If you approach this event as time for a makeover, you’ll do fine. You’ll probably get comments about how great the new style is and how brave you are for trying something new.
If you obsess about your misfortune, not only will you act and sound like a whinger, which repels people, but you will have missed an opportunity to improve yourself. Life often throws things at you for this specific purpose. So grab it with both hands and make it work for you.
Image via http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQRKoG-0adBD9z6OoatU3qU6EfmWUSYxmzT9qU1IV3tIZHw6PXm