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‘My wife decided three years ago sex is too ‘icky.’ No discussion, no easing into it. Just “Nope, not anymore.”

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Sometimes, you just need to ditch the spontaneity and climax. Preferably with your partner; on a weekly basis.

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5 Common Sex Mistakes You Could Be Making

Is it fair to say that sometimes your satisfaction levels in the bedroom are less than 50 per cent? It is fair because these days we work longer hours, we’ve got kids to raise before and after those longer work hours and no one wants to be that woman that their husband has a moan about to his mates because sex is now an annual delight. Or maybe you have sex once a week, but it’s only to stop the nagging and rogue groping that comes with prolonged periods of sexlessness.

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And I’m not pointing fingers here, but sometimes there are some common sex mistakes that women make that could be preventing them from having better sex, which sometimes can be the fix to all your troubles.

1. Not having enough

I’m not even just talking about not having enough sex, I’m also talking about not having enough time with yourself to feel good. When you don’t have much sex, you don’t really feel like more, especially if it’s seen as a chore. Setting healthy time aside for yourself, whether it’s for masturbation or painting your nails, whatever makes you feel good about yourself, is a great way to make yourself want more sex and enthusiasm and a good attitude, much like the key ingredient to all things in life, are the pathway to great sex.

2. Not asking for what you want

Come on ladies! It’s 2015! Women have the power to get any job, not have a teen marriage and ask our man to bake us an apple pie; surely we can ask for what we want in the bedroom. Whether it’s a casual encounter or ten years of marriage, sex isn’t all about the man and if you’re not getting what you want, then ask for it. If you’re too afraid to verbally communicate, the power of touch shouldn’t be underestimated. Move your body, your hands or your partners hands to where you would like them to be – you don’t have to say the words, the satisfied moans and sighs will say it all.

3. Thinking that sex starts in the bedroom

The deed may be done under the cover of your Egyptian cotton sheets, but sex really doesn’t begin in the bedroom. Showing affection to your partner throughout the day is a key factor in, not only wanting to have sex, but also enjoying it. Simple gestures like giving him a cuddle or sending him a suggestive text, or even just connecting through conversation will you get your brain ready for the bedroom. For women at least, we really need that brain warmup – it’s like the foreplay before the foreplay.

4. Feeling ashamed of your body

Just stop. You’re gorgeous! We all get insecure, but loving yourself is part of loving someone else, and trust me, they absolutely love your body, especially the parts that you don’t.

5. Faking it

An orgasm is not the be all and end all of sex. You get so many other benefits like a heightened connection with your partner and all those feel good hormones, but having an orgasm would just be the icing on the sexy cake, wouldn’t it? Well, faking an orgasm is not the way to get it. Besides being hurtful to yourself, your partner and your relationship, faking an orgasm is not going to get you a real one. Whether you’re faking it to have the sex end quickly so you can sleep, or because you feel like you’ve tried so hard, it’s best to take the time and work together to get you a real orgasm so that future sexual encounters are extra satisfying.

How Important Is Sex In A Relationship?

It’s so often said that sex is important in a relationship. Yet so many times being intimate with your partner takes a backseat to chores, errands and work commitments, and often leaves both of you feeling like you’ve been left out in the cold.

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When you’re in a new relationship, sex is often what binds you together and brings you closer as a couple, but as that honeymoon period fades, and things become routine, you sometimes lose that drive. It’s normal for couples to go through periods of dry patches with stressful times within the family or at work, but just because you’re not having sex, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still be intimate with kissing and touching.

Sexologist and relationship expert Dr Nikki Goldstein knows the ins and outs of sex (excuse the pun) and has a wealth of knowledge around the subjects that you’re often too afraid to ask about, so listen up!

dr nikki goldstein, importance of sex, relationships, sex, advice

You might be able to get by with that dry patch in your relationship, but Dr Nikki knows all too well how important sex really is.

“I think you’ve got to look at the fact that we don’t need sex just for procreation anymore. We’re looking at intimacy, a connection and a way to show love. Men who aren’t taught to communicate are given a way to show they love their partners. Connection, not necessarily penetration, so kissing and touching benefits the relationship because of the intimacy that is involved.”

Dr Nikki also knows that couples often wonder about how good their sex really is and she says that it all comes down to your expectations in the bedroom. “Being on the same page with your expectations and sexual appetite is important,” she insists.

“You need to think about your expectations and where you get them from and if you’re on the same page. If one person thinks the good sex life is about having sex everyday and the other one thinks it’s three times a week, there’s a difference in what you’re expecting.”

This comes back down to one of the key elements of a relationship; communication. Communication is key when it comes to almost anything in your partnership, whether it is about getting the right products from the grocery store or about a dwindling sex life. If you are feeling unsatisfied in the bedroom or you want to try something new, Dr Nikki doesn’t mess around.

“Ask for it,” she says. “People struggle in general communicating around sex and they struggle to communicate around it in their relationships as well. Specifically what you want can be awkward to ask for because your partner may think they’re not good enough, or you’re worried they might be offended, or they might think it’s weird.

“It’s about learning how to communicate in a way that has less consequences. Give a compliment and reassure your partner of your attraction, and you can give a suggestion – like if you wanted to try a vibrator, you can pitch it to your partner and say: ‘I’ve found this one online.’ Give them something to work towards… so that they’re involved in the process.”

sex, relationships

 It’s important to engage in intimacy with your partner to make both of you feel connected and loved. It could just mean putting that extra bit of effort in that you put into other aspects of your life, and again, looking at those sexual expectations that you have developed and listening to your partner’s as well.

“One of the things is to be realistic about what good sex is, leading from the point about your expectations,” says Dr Nikki. “What does it mean to you? Does it mean orgasms, how long it lasts, the connection? Then also look at how much effort you’re putting into your bedroom life. Most people spend so much time on spray tans, exercise, blowouts, but they don’t put as much time into their sex life.

“Putting more effort into pleasing your partner and them pleasing you back, that can pull you up from any rut.”

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Should A Better Sex Life Be An Essential Goal?

I was recently told that people should forget about being a better tennis player or golfer and concentrate on being better lovers. It made a lot of sense – people are forever complaining about their sex lives, but the overall consensus is that it will somehow take care of itself. In reality, how can it?

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Many couples have a 12 month, 5 or 10 year plan of things they want to achieve – things like education, career, home, family, kids and fiance. Yet sex, which we all recognise as being a basic human need, is the one element of our lives we leave to chance.

When you stop and think and about it, it’s quite bizarre, isn’t it? Just like with everything else couples want to accomplish, a better sex life should be an essential goal.

The key to an exhilarating sex life relies heavily on the physical connection – this basically takes care of everything else. During the honeymoon phase (when sex is awesome) the connection experienced by most people is primarily physical. Understandably this is where the concentration of energy is, in bedroom bliss!

As time passes, other forms of intimacy grow and therefore the physical concentration isn’t as dense. Your energies are essentially divided as other factors are introduced or take over. It can be stress, kids, parents, finance, or whatever demands your attention.

Having a Better Sex Life

Reinstating a passionate physical connection won’t be easy – nothing worthwhile ever is! Life will throw it’s challenges at you and sustaining the passion long-term is a challenge many of us experience. Unfortunately, that spark won’t ignite itself and magically appear either.

Talk together about what you want your sex life to resemble, similar to what couples do every day about every other topic. Include elements of quantity and quality and set an action plan in place and make it happen. Here’s a few suggestions to make a start:

  • Make sex a priority – the more sex you have the more you’ll want.
  • Schedule sex into your day or week (depending on your preference).
  • Make alone time a priority. If you have young kids, make sure they got to bed early so you can have that time alone together. It will be good for you and for them.
  • If other stresses like finance have become a focus, you’ll need to address them. Often people worry and don’t act. When you have an action plan, this often reduces the stress and lifts the libido. Plus solves a few issues in the meantime.
  • Be physically intimate outside the bedroom. Hold hands, touch, caress, kiss, hug, and when the day is done, sit together not apart.
  • Try new things, new places, new toys and keep your sex life interesting. No one wants to sustain an activity which bores them.
  • Laugh together and try to make your sex life fun.
  • Create a sexual bucket list.
  • Set new sex related goals for one another or each other.
  • Make foreplay a priority.
  • Avoid criticism of sexual performance. This will sever your emotional and physical connection.
  • If either of you is experiencing low libido or other sex related issues, talk openly about it. This is where many sexual problems start. Follow up with a GP if necessary and any referrals.
  • Tell your partner you love them at least once a day.

Of course having a better sex life comes down to far more than a physical connection. However, for most couples, it’s an essential place to start. Once it’s re-established, everything else sex related can, and often, will fall into place.

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