Sometimes you need to taste all the colors of the rainbow.
It’s not too late to recapture those butterflies.
It’s about a lot more than just getting it on.
Just because you’re over them, doesn’t mean it’s over.
Man, I feel like a woman.
Is it fair to say that sometimes your satisfaction levels in the bedroom are less than 50 per cent? It is fair because these days we work longer hours, we’ve got kids to raise before and after those longer work hours and no one wants to be that woman that their husband has a moan about to his mates because sex is now an annual delight. Or maybe you have sex once a week, but it’s only to stop the nagging and rogue groping that comes with prolonged periods of sexlessness.
And I’m not pointing fingers here, but sometimes there are some common sex mistakes that women make that could be preventing them from having better sex, which sometimes can be the fix to all your troubles.
1. Not having enough
I’m not even just talking about not having enough sex, I’m also talking about not having enough time with yourself to feel good. When you don’t have much sex, you don’t really feel like more, especially if it’s seen as a chore. Setting healthy time aside for yourself, whether it’s for masturbation or painting your nails, whatever makes you feel good about yourself, is a great way to make yourself want more sex and enthusiasm and a good attitude, much like the key ingredient to all things in life, are the pathway to great sex.
2. Not asking for what you want
Come on ladies! It’s 2015! Women have the power to get any job, not have a teen marriage and ask our man to bake us an apple pie; surely we can ask for what we want in the bedroom. Whether it’s a casual encounter or ten years of marriage, sex isn’t all about the man and if you’re not getting what you want, then ask for it. If you’re too afraid to verbally communicate, the power of touch shouldn’t be underestimated. Move your body, your hands or your partners hands to where you would like them to be – you don’t have to say the words, the satisfied moans and sighs will say it all.
3. Thinking that sex starts in the bedroom
The deed may be done under the cover of your Egyptian cotton sheets, but sex really doesn’t begin in the bedroom. Showing affection to your partner throughout the day is a key factor in, not only wanting to have sex, but also enjoying it. Simple gestures like giving him a cuddle or sending him a suggestive text, or even just connecting through conversation will you get your brain ready for the bedroom. For women at least, we really need that brain warmup – it’s like the foreplay before the foreplay.
4. Feeling ashamed of your body
Just stop. You’re gorgeous! We all get insecure, but loving yourself is part of loving someone else, and trust me, they absolutely love your body, especially the parts that you don’t.
5. Faking it
An orgasm is not the be all and end all of sex. You get so many other benefits like a heightened connection with your partner and all those feel good hormones, but having an orgasm would just be the icing on the sexy cake, wouldn’t it? Well, faking an orgasm is not the way to get it. Besides being hurtful to yourself, your partner and your relationship, faking an orgasm is not going to get you a real one. Whether you’re faking it to have the sex end quickly so you can sleep, or because you feel like you’ve tried so hard, it’s best to take the time and work together to get you a real orgasm so that future sexual encounters are extra satisfying.
It’s so often said that sex is important in a relationship. Yet so many times being intimate with your partner takes a backseat to chores, errands and work commitments, and often leaves both of you feeling like you’ve been left out in the cold.
When you’re in a new relationship, sex is often what binds you together and brings you closer as a couple, but as that honeymoon period fades, and things become routine, you sometimes lose that drive. It’s normal for couples to go through periods of dry patches with stressful times within the family or at work, but just because you’re not having sex, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still be intimate with kissing and touching.
Sexologist and relationship expert Dr Nikki Goldstein knows the ins and outs of sex (excuse the pun) and has a wealth of knowledge around the subjects that you’re often too afraid to ask about, so listen up!
You might be able to get by with that dry patch in your relationship, but Dr Nikki knows all too well how important sex really is.
“I think you’ve got to look at the fact that we don’t need sex just for procreation anymore. We’re looking at intimacy, a connection and a way to show love. Men who aren’t taught to communicate are given a way to show they love their partners. Connection, not necessarily penetration, so kissing and touching benefits the relationship because of the intimacy that is involved.”
Dr Nikki also knows that couples often wonder about how good their sex really is and she says that it all comes down to your expectations in the bedroom. “Being on the same page with your expectations and sexual appetite is important,” she insists.
“You need to think about your expectations and where you get them from and if you’re on the same page. If one person thinks the good sex life is about having sex everyday and the other one thinks it’s three times a week, there’s a difference in what you’re expecting.”
This comes back down to one of the key elements of a relationship; communication. Communication is key when it comes to almost anything in your partnership, whether it is about getting the right products from the grocery store or about a dwindling sex life. If you are feeling unsatisfied in the bedroom or you want to try something new, Dr Nikki doesn’t mess around.
“Ask for it,” she says. “People struggle in general communicating around sex and they struggle to communicate around it in their relationships as well. Specifically what you want can be awkward to ask for because your partner may think they’re not good enough, or you’re worried they might be offended, or they might think it’s weird.
“It’s about learning how to communicate in a way that has less consequences. Give a compliment and reassure your partner of your attraction, and you can give a suggestion – like if you wanted to try a vibrator, you can pitch it to your partner and say: ‘I’ve found this one online.’ Give them something to work towards… so that they’re involved in the process.”
It’s important to engage in intimacy with your partner to make both of you feel connected and loved. It could just mean putting that extra bit of effort in that you put into other aspects of your life, and again, looking at those sexual expectations that you have developed and listening to your partner’s as well.
“One of the things is to be realistic about what good sex is, leading from the point about your expectations,” says Dr Nikki. “What does it mean to you? Does it mean orgasms, how long it lasts, the connection? Then also look at how much effort you’re putting into your bedroom life. Most people spend so much time on spray tans, exercise, blowouts, but they don’t put as much time into their sex life.
“Putting more effort into pleasing your partner and them pleasing you back, that can pull you up from any rut.”
Images via drnikki.com.au, galleryhip.com and pinterest.com
I was recently told that people should forget about being a better tennis player or golfer and concentrate on being better lovers. It made a lot of sense – people are forever complaining about their sex lives, but the overall consensus is that it will somehow take care of itself. In reality, how can it?
Many couples have a 12 month, 5 or 10 year plan of things they want to achieve – things like education, career, home, family, kids and fiance. Yet sex, which we all recognise as being a basic human need, is the one element of our lives we leave to chance.
When you stop and think and about it, it’s quite bizarre, isn’t it? Just like with everything else couples want to accomplish, a better sex life should be an essential goal.
The key to an exhilarating sex life relies heavily on the physical connection – this basically takes care of everything else. During the honeymoon phase (when sex is awesome) the connection experienced by most people is primarily physical. Understandably this is where the concentration of energy is, in bedroom bliss!
As time passes, other forms of intimacy grow and therefore the physical concentration isn’t as dense. Your energies are essentially divided as other factors are introduced or take over. It can be stress, kids, parents, finance, or whatever demands your attention.
Having a Better Sex Life
Reinstating a passionate physical connection won’t be easy – nothing worthwhile ever is! Life will throw it’s challenges at you and sustaining the passion long-term is a challenge many of us experience. Unfortunately, that spark won’t ignite itself and magically appear either.
Talk together about what you want your sex life to resemble, similar to what couples do every day about every other topic. Include elements of quantity and quality and set an action plan in place and make it happen. Here’s a few suggestions to make a start:
- Make sex a priority – the more sex you have the more you’ll want.
- Schedule sex into your day or week (depending on your preference).
- Make alone time a priority. If you have young kids, make sure they got to bed early so you can have that time alone together. It will be good for you and for them.
- If other stresses like finance have become a focus, you’ll need to address them. Often people worry and don’t act. When you have an action plan, this often reduces the stress and lifts the libido. Plus solves a few issues in the meantime.
- Be physically intimate outside the bedroom. Hold hands, touch, caress, kiss, hug, and when the day is done, sit together not apart.
- Try new things, new places, new toys and keep your sex life interesting. No one wants to sustain an activity which bores them.
- Laugh together and try to make your sex life fun.
- Create a sexual bucket list.
- Set new sex related goals for one another or each other.
- Make foreplay a priority.
- Avoid criticism of sexual performance. This will sever your emotional and physical connection.
- If either of you is experiencing low libido or other sex related issues, talk openly about it. This is where many sexual problems start. Follow up with a GP if necessary and any referrals.
- Tell your partner you love them at least once a day.
Of course having a better sex life comes down to far more than a physical connection. However, for most couples, it’s an essential place to start. Once it’s re-established, everything else sex related can, and often, will fall into place.
Image via slideshare.net
A good friend of mine, who’s mere weeks away from giving birth to her second child, recently had a hilarious, X-rated dream about a handsome Indian man who skilfully pleasured her, then fed her pappadums. Win, win!
And, confession time: I too had many such pregnancy sex dreams during both of my pregnancies; I was a right hornbag, to quote Kath and Kim.
This is all good and well, until you wake up from such an erotic dream, only to have your husband ask you what you’ve been dreaming about, because you’ve been moaning and thrashing about in your sleep?! And it can be especially awkward if you’ve been having bizarre X-rated dreams about someone random in your life, like say the neighbour next door, or the local barista who so adeptly makes you your favourite daily coffee.
So, why do pregnant women have porn films going in their subconscious, when asleep?
Don’t panic, you’re not losing your mind: is it those crazy hormones – the bane of all pregnant ladies – to blame, yet again? Experts say yes, in part. And chillax – these pregnancy sex dreams are very, very common.
Your heightened hormones may well be the cause, dramatically increasing your libido. Or, maybe you’re not having as much sex with your husband as you’d like, now that there’s a massive baby bump in the way? Thus, your crazy sexual cravings are consuming you?
Of course, pregnant women’s dreams are more vivid and unusual when up the duff. In addition, experts say these dreams may reflect any anxiety and emotion you may be feeling about being pregnant.
What’s more, you often don’t sleep as soundly when pregnant, especially in the uncomfortable last few months before your EDD – not to mention the fact that you have to get up to pee all the frigging time – so, inevitably it’s more likely that you will remember your crazy, porn-star dreams.
One idea, and a nice way to make the most of your bizarre porno dreams while pregnant, is to keep a journal next to your bed, for when you can’t sleep, then share your crazy sex dreams with your partner. It could lead to deeper intimacy between the two of you at this tumultuous time of expecting a baby and turn him on, too.
Maybe just don’t mention the pappadums. Now, that’s just weird!
What do you think? Have you ever had pregnancy sex dreams?
Images via www.pixabay.com
We crave relationships in which we can trust our partner and share our deepest feelings without fear, yet, often we stand in our own way. Some of us take a long time to develop intimacy with another person. Others enter a new relationship with an open hear, but start building walls at the first misunderstanding. So how do we create intimacy in our relationships and keep it alive?
1. Accept your partner for who he or she really is
At the start of a relationship we are often blinded by passion. Everything about our partner is perfect and he can’t do anything wrong. But as we get to know each other, we start noticing traits that are not so attractive, we start fights and we try to change the other person. It never works. You can’t change anyone who doesn’t want to change, but you can take the comfortable feeling out of the relationship where each person can be who they are without having to pretend.
2. Appreciate what you have
Rather than focusing on your partner’s imperfection, appreciate all the good things about him and show appreciation often (don’t assume he already knows). You’ll make your partner feel valued and you’ll also take your own focus away from the negative and towards everything that’s going well.
3. Make time for just the two of you
The more difficult it is to find opportunities for intimacy because of work, children or other commitments, the more important it is to consciously create the time for it. It may not be as spontaneous as it once was, but at least if you put it on the calendar, you have a better chance of making it happen.
4. Practice sharing openly
Intimacy is about being able to share your feelings with each other and this doesn’t just mean saying “I love you” often. Each of us has something that leaves us feeling vulnerable and we’d rather keep it to ourselves. Do you express your anger, sadness or frustration and ask for support? Do you talk about sex? Do you sometimes hold back because of fear that your partner will judge you? Start small and build your sharing muscles, and your intimacy will grow, too.
5. Take responsibility for your own issues
Most of us carry around unresolved issues from our past. Ideally, you’d leave them behind and not bring them into a new relationship, but the reality is that healing can take a long time, sometimes a lifetime. There’s no need to wait until you’re over the past before starting a new relationship, but it’s also not fair to make your partner responsible for it. Be aware of your own stuff and when it comes up, share it with your partner, but without expecting him to make everything right for you.
6. Don’t hold grudges
If you’re someone that still brings up negative events from three years ago in your thoughts or in your arguments, stop. You’re undermining your own trust in your relationship and you’re also instilling fear in your partner that he might say and do something wrong, and it will be remembered for years to come. Only because your partner has made a bad judgement once, it doesn’t mean he’ll do it again. And even if he does – no one is perfect.
“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly” ~ Sam Keen
Image by takazart via pixabay.com