New research shows it’s the woman with the higher libido more often than we think, but that there is a way to turn down sex without harming your union.
No, it’s not beyond repair; if you’re willing to put in the work.
For those going through a divorce; you didn’t ‘fail’ as a couple, you were set up to fail by society’s unrealistic expectations.
Good news: everything here is super achievable.
Definitive proof human bodies are freaking weird.
You don’t have to just lay there and take it.
I’m beginning to think there’s not a woman alive who wants less sex than her partner…
Let’s talk about sex, baby.
Has your mojo pulled a disappearing act this winter? I hate to go all EL James on you and start talking about God-awful-sounding “inner goddesses dancing”, as per Fifty Shades of Grey, but there are some simple ways to bring your sexy back, even if your inner sex goddess has well and truly gone AWOL.
- Pamper thyself: A long-forgotten 11th biblical commandment, especially befitting working mums (busy women in general, actually) is to take the time to soothe your ills, whatever and whichever way you can, time permitting. Need a facial or a massage – nay, the whole goddam beauty menu – to destress and feel sexy once more? Do it – with no guilt whatsoever. I’m also a big believer in the power of shopping for a good high heel and/or a red lipstick – whatever blows your hair back, sister.
- Flick the bean: Any sexologist worth their weight in sex toys will tell you masturbation is good for your health – it’s even good for your hair, dammit! OK, I may have made that last one up. But you get the picture: a good solo sex session will put colour in your cheeks, make you feel sexier and more alive; reduces stress and PMS; and is even said to help combat chronic back pain. Sold!
- You gotta keep movin’: What’s your fave way to work up a sweat? No matter if it’s trampolining, dwarf throwing or shopping at a sale – get your pretty arse moving for those much-needed feel-good endorphins in winter. Hell, as good sex session even counts as exercise, right?
- Laugh like a drain: I’m a big believer in this one – laughter really is the best medicine for a troubled soul – so spend some time with your beloved besties, add a good cocktail or two to warm those winter cockles – and you’ll feel more like your old, sexy self in no time. In addition, there’s nothing like a man who can make you laugh – now that’s sexy! In fact, a clever and funny man may just be the ticket to charm your clothes right off and help unleash your sex-goddess-in-hiding.
- Poppin’ bottles in the ice: Lost your mojo? Find it fast with these decadent aphrodisiacs: oysters, red wine, hot chilli, champagne (OK, this one might just be me), asparagus, avocado and chocolate. These babies are scientifically proven to boost your sex life, so get your freak back on, girlfriend!
Images via www.studded-hearts.com; www.thetimes.co.uk
Maintaining a healthy sex life can be a challenge, with lifestyle factors generally determining when we’re in the mood to get down and dirty. Well, ladies, a new survey has revealed just how different our libidos are from the opposite sex, with men wanting sex for breakfast and women for dessert.
According to the findings, a women’s libido peaks between 11pm-2pm, or 11:21pm to be exact, while a male is more inclined to feel sexy between 6am-9am, with 7.54am their ideal time to get hot and heavy.
Nearly two thirds of females and 50 per cent of men said they wanted sex just as much as their current partner, but surprisingly only 11 per cent of women said they wanted to rise and grind (pardon the pun), while a mere 16 per cent of males felt like getting frisky late at night. Talk about being at polar opposites of the sexy-time spectrum!
The Lovehoney study, which surveyed 2300 people, also looked at how couples’ sex drives varied throughout the week. Most men said their sexual desire was fairly constant, however 36 per cent of women said their moods affected when, and if, they were feeling turned on. There’s something to be said for a women’s hormones!
The only consistent finding amongst both sexes was that between 4 and 6pm, sex was far from mind, with an average of only 3.5 per cent admitting that they still wanted to be passionate.
Lovehoney co-owner Richard Longhurst told the Daily Mail: “This shows that there are big differences in sex o’clock between the sexes… What is encouraging is that most people tend to find sexual happiness in the end with a partner with similar needs.”
Image via Shutterstock
Need to reignite the spark between you and your partner?
It’s time to get creative, ladies (and gents): You may need to pose as Inga the Swedish milkmaid, or even indulge in some good, old-fashioned adult doctors and nurses. No matter what blows your hair back – passion play, involving roles and costumes, may lead to the best sex of your life, says Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured).
Dr Mars – who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being – is often bombarded with this million-dollar question by desperate couples: “How do I sex up my sex life?!” And role play may well be the answer.
She says the film adaptation of Fifty Shades Of Grey is, in part, so hugely popular because it glamorises couples’ role play; acting out erotic roles in a sexual fantasy. In addition, some people use sexual role play as a means of overcoming their inhibitions. “Role play can definitely reignite the spark between couples; Fifty Shades Of Grey wouldn’t be so popular if it didn’t, but it doesn’t need to be BDSM (bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism),” Dr Mars says.
“Walking around in sexy lingerie and high heels if you don’t usually do it can be all you need. Being a bit toppy, or submissive, if it’s not your usual thing can also be exciting.
“Put on a costume, see if it changes how you feel, try a wig. If you are not sure, just do it for yourself in front of the mirror no one needs to know, but you may be changed by the experience and that might be enough to light (or at least lay the foundation for) a fire!”
And the recent Under the Covers Sex Survey, commissioned by Australia’s largest adult dating site, Adult Match Maker, via www.adultmatchmaker.com.au – developed by Dr Mars – confirms the popularity of role play. More than 7600 Australian respondents answered AMM’s inaugural sex survey anonymously, shedding light on what blows our hair back in the bedroom.
Key sex survey findings included: “kinky sex” is a popular fantasy with 60 per cent of respondents, and post-Fifty Shades of Grey (pictured), BDSM (bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism) is popular, with 30 per cent of respondents including it in their list of sexual fantasies.
And if you’re looking for deeper, better intimacy with your partner – as well as the best sex of your life – Dr Mars also recommends we hit the books. “When I started to research sexual pleasure as an academic in 2005, I read every book I could find on the issue, from Masters and Johnson’s seminal work on sexual response, through to Kim Cattral’s pleasant, little book [Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm] on achieving satisfaction, and nasty, hard-core ‘how to’ books.
“There’s good advice in all of these books for couples wanting to sex up their sex lives. Improving sexual technique and making an effort to get better educated in this area is so important. It’s one of those things we think we can just do, but actually like anything, it takes effort, energy and practice.”
And, dear readers, if you’re also in need of advice on how to have more spontaneous sex, the good doctor advises us to diarise sex, such as role play. “Spontaneous sex happens when people feel sexy and when that isn’t happening then scheduling sex, making sex dates or times to share some sensual intimacy can work way better,” Dr Mars says.
And, like countless couples, if mismatched libidos are the bane of your existence, she says to take the pressure to have sexual intercourse out of the equation. “Mismatched libidos is a problem in relationships, but not just for men. Women can also want more sex than their partners and it’s a problem for both partners, not just the partner who wants more sex,” Dr Mars says.
“Shifting the focus to sensuality is a tried-and-tested technique for increasing intimacy in a relationship. Sometimes, this also leads to more sex. Increasing intimacy and spending time on sensuality can help to increase sexual energy and sexual energy is the key to great sex.
“If you want to get back to having more sexual pleasure, or make sure your partner is having it with you, then it’s time for either or both of you to make a change. Often libido drops when we are tired, unfit, or unwell, so improving overall energy levels by making changes to your physical well-being can make a massive difference.”
And Dr Mars believes boosting our sexual energy is also crucial to resolving sexual discord. “After I finished reading all those sex books I started reading books about sexual energy – there are a lot of them,” she says. “I also started going to workshops and practicing different techniques to increase my sexual energy. You can think of this as sexual physiotherapy or sexual reiki.
“What I discovered, was that you can lift your sexual energy and you can share that with a partner. If you want more sex than your partner and this is an ongoing issue then you should be able to answer this question: ‘What have you learned about sex since your last sexual encounter with your partner?
“So, here is my advice to both partners in a mismatched libido relationship, get fit, get educated, talk to a sexpert, spend some time looking after yourself, start making the change yourself. “In the words of that famous philosopher/model Rachael Hunter: ‘It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen’.”
What do you think? Is role play important in your sex life?
Images via Cosmopolitan, en.cyplive.com and archive.lovingyou.com
A mismatched sex drive can often become a big issue in long-term relationships. While it would be ideal to have a lover with a similar sex drive they are a lot less common than people think. It’s not until couples settle down or marry that this not-so-little issue rears it’s ugly head. And it’s not intentional, nor is it about love or attraction – it comes down to individual sexual desire.
Now, the initial period of a relationship is called the limerence phase – this is when new couples can’t get enough of each other. Can you remember that? Energy levels and sex drives are usually at their peak as all those euphoric chemicals race around people’s bodies.
As most of us know, this honeymoon stage doesn’t last. The chemicals go back to normal within 6 months to 3 years and life settles down – this can be when a mismatched sex drive surfaces. It can also be brought on by other factors later on in the relationship, however. These include: Mental and physical health, hormones, stress and some medications like anti-depressants, all of which effect sexual desire.
People can misinterpret what’s happening because of the obvious change in their sex life. It can be very easy to take personally and assume the worst. Eventually a pursuer-distancer cycle begins –this is when one partner can become the pursuer and the other becomes the distancer (either gender can take on these roles).
When a women becomes the pursuer it goes against societal norms as she assumes her sex drive will either be equal to or less than her lovers. When this doesn’t occur, it can leave her feeling ashamed and rejected. In many cases women remain silent and feel their partners lack of desire for them is personal. Therefore, it’s not uncommon for women experiencing this to put on large amounts of weight or compensate their rejection in other ways.
Men can also experience this, however they have been conditioned to believe their mismatched sex drive is more normal. Due to this difference male pursuers are more likely to speak up. Plus, overall men are much less ashamed of a mismatched libido or heightened sex drive.
Regardless of who’s playing what role, desire discrepancy can cause heated arguments. Even solid relationships can suffer as a result. The pursuer with the higher sex drive will try and persuade the less interested person to have sex. Rejection after rejection, they get angry, frustrated and arguments which have nothing to do with sex, often lead back to it.
The sexual distancer will then place further restriction on the pursuer. They will avoid all types of physical intimacy like kissing or hugging because they don’t want it to lead to sex. This places additional stress on the pursuer, who will eventually stop arguing, pursuing and will eventually give up.
It often takes some years to materialise into an end result. The movie Hope Springs was an excellent example: If couples remain together despite an avoidance of intimacy, the situation can do a complete 180 and the roles reverse.
How to fix a mismatched sex drive
The best way to fix a mismatched sex drive is through communication and compromise as soon as possible. It won’t go away and will only get worse if not addressed. Initially, find out if it’s a medical problem – men who experience erection problems can become distancers to hide it. For women, it might be an inability to orgasm or if sex is painful. It might also be psychological, linked to trauma, or caused by use of medications, alcohol or tobacco.
If it simply comes down to an incompatible sex drive, you’ll need to compromise. Sex contracts are a great way to do this. If it does persist over time, the issue can affect not only a couples sex life, but their entire relationship. They will likely stop talking about sex and will find the topic difficult to approach. In this case, they may need some intervention to discover the cause and to work to find a solution.
It’s not something you just have to tolerate, from either perspective. So don’t wait any longer and get it sorted.
Image via chatelaine.com
A good friend of mine, who’s mere weeks away from giving birth to her second child, recently had a hilarious, X-rated dream about a handsome Indian man who skilfully pleasured her, then fed her pappadums. Win, win!
And, confession time: I too had many such pregnancy sex dreams during both of my pregnancies; I was a right hornbag, to quote Kath and Kim.
This is all good and well, until you wake up from such an erotic dream, only to have your husband ask you what you’ve been dreaming about, because you’ve been moaning and thrashing about in your sleep?! And it can be especially awkward if you’ve been having bizarre X-rated dreams about someone random in your life, like say the neighbour next door, or the local barista who so adeptly makes you your favourite daily coffee.
So, why do pregnant women have porn films going in their subconscious, when asleep?
Don’t panic, you’re not losing your mind: is it those crazy hormones – the bane of all pregnant ladies – to blame, yet again? Experts say yes, in part. And chillax – these pregnancy sex dreams are very, very common.
Your heightened hormones may well be the cause, dramatically increasing your libido. Or, maybe you’re not having as much sex with your husband as you’d like, now that there’s a massive baby bump in the way? Thus, your crazy sexual cravings are consuming you?
Of course, pregnant women’s dreams are more vivid and unusual when up the duff. In addition, experts say these dreams may reflect any anxiety and emotion you may be feeling about being pregnant.
What’s more, you often don’t sleep as soundly when pregnant, especially in the uncomfortable last few months before your EDD – not to mention the fact that you have to get up to pee all the frigging time – so, inevitably it’s more likely that you will remember your crazy, porn-star dreams.
One idea, and a nice way to make the most of your bizarre porno dreams while pregnant, is to keep a journal next to your bed, for when you can’t sleep, then share your crazy sex dreams with your partner. It could lead to deeper intimacy between the two of you at this tumultuous time of expecting a baby and turn him on, too.
Maybe just don’t mention the pappadums. Now, that’s just weird!
What do you think? Have you ever had pregnancy sex dreams?
Images via www.pixabay.com