What if we’re simply doing monogamy wrong?
My boyfriend asked me to live with him… then took it back.
Ever had the break-up blues? You might wonder why on earth we’d make light of that but, when you think about it, it really is one of life’s most pathetic moments. It’s not a memory you want to savour, take photos and stick up on your Facebook page, now is it?
Then again some people put everything on social media. He’s dumped me. I’m crying. I’m listening to sad songs and crying. Oh, the pain! Seriously, no one wants to see that crap. Imagine your next job interview? They do ask for your social media links, these days. You didn’t know that? Well, you do now!
Having seen your last 50 Facebook statuses or hearing it via the gossip vine, friends and family may try to console and comfort you. What’s with that? You are miserable. It’s no secret. You certainly won’t be the best company. Why would anyone in their right mind want to spend time with someone who is miserable?
Bottom line: It makes them uncomfortable. They need you to feel good, so they can feel good. Basic social psychology, folks. You thought it was your selfish stage to mourn and grieve, right? No. It’s your friends and relatives selfish stage. They have the best of intentions, but they are usually blissfully unaware of what they are doing or why.
That won’t last long though. Miserable people repel others. You’ve been whinging, whining and totally obsessed with your broken heart and your ex. Ever time they try to change the subject, because you’ve driven them crazy, you change it right back. They need to get as far away from you as possible. NOW – before they crack!
This is when you’ve learned break-ups are best handled alone. You can begin to grieve without distraction. Instead of hiding tears when your friends suggest watching a comedy and something reminds you of your ex, you can ball your damn eyes out. You can avoid showering, eating right, maybe drink too much, avoid sunlight, ditch work, and generally make a complete and utter mess of yourself. Now, this here is your selfish stage!
Maybe this is what your well meaning friends and relies were trying to save you from. Yeah? No. Be 100 per cent, research assured, it was their needs they were tying to meet, but weren’t they useful while they were doing it? At least you didn’t smell bad.
This period of chaos only ceases when you’ve hit rock bottom and you are faced with two very distinct options. The first is to pick yourself up, right here and now and get on with living.
Then there’s option two. Your job will go if you neglect going to work, that’s a given. Then, you’ll have no money. Makes sense doesn’t it? Homelessness will then become a very real probability. That is, unless you can manage to convince one of those well meaning friends or relies to take you in so you can “lounge surf” until you’re ok.
The only thing is the stress of having no fixed address, no job, no money and, of course, no partner will be considered stressors, in psych terms, and provide ideal conditions to bring on an episode of mental illness. What? You don’t think this happens? You clearly haven’t spoken to any homeless men!
Yes, folks. This is the grim reality of the break up blues. Next time those “helpful” friends and relies come to the rescue; think back to option number two. Welcome them in. Thank all that is good and holy that they are selfish enough to want to come and save you!
Image via pad3.whstatic.com
Despite the giant leap Feminism has made for women’s rights, there is still a significant amount of households being maintained by women. Many women fall into a trap of doing the majority of the household chores. It likely happened as a result of their behaviour when they first moved in with their partner.
A lot of women get swept up in the moment and want to prove, that their partner has chosen the perfect wife. They want to care for and pamper the person they love.
It’s been bred in them since they were born. Little girls are taught from an early age, how to maintain a home and look after children. They cook the meals, keep the house sparkling clean, do the washing, ironing, shopping and anything else that fits in with the 1950s version of the ideal wife.
The only problem is, as time passes, these things will be expected. This is ultimately how women have made a rod for their backs and how societal expectations have supported it.
Therefore, if you want a household which resembles an equal partnership rather than a relationship which mimics of the 1950s, be aware you have the power to do either. It starts in the first few months of being alone together, when you first learn how to live together. Being aware of how your current or past behaviour leads to expectations of your future behaviour is the key.
So, when moving into a home with your partner don’t automatically take on all the responsibilities of running a home. This is what women have done for centuries. If you want your life to be different, it needs to begin differently.
Although your partner may come from a home where the women does the cooking, cleaning and shopping; they can learn to do things differently. If your partner insists they don’t know how to do something; teach them! Some women may be lucky enough to snag a man who has been taught by a mother who has prepared them or who has lived out of home for a time.
Chores such as washing, ironing, shopping, cooking and cleaning can be done by either partner. Having a roster for things that need to be done is a great way to share the load.
Working out who is better at what, is a part of the adventure of living together. Your partner may be a wizard in the kitchen while you are better at mowing the lawn. Who cares who does what as long as it all gets done and you can share the responsibilities.
This will remove the burden of doing all the housework for the remainer of the relationship; which in some cases may be lifelong. Remember that it’s much harder to change a pattern once it has began than to establish the desired pattern at the onset.
By Kim Chartres