Ring in the New Year with orgasms galore.
It had a far more profound effect on me than I thought it would.
I don’t feel the need to perform gymnastics in the bedroom anymore.
Man, I feel like a woman.
Something’s on fire. Oh, you know what – it’s probably just your burnin’ loins!
Most women have no idea what their vaginas are capable of.
Has your mojo pulled a disappearing act this winter? I hate to go all EL James on you and start talking about God-awful-sounding “inner goddesses dancing”, as per Fifty Shades of Grey, but there are some simple ways to bring your sexy back, even if your inner sex goddess has well and truly gone AWOL.
- Pamper thyself: A long-forgotten 11th biblical commandment, especially befitting working mums (busy women in general, actually) is to take the time to soothe your ills, whatever and whichever way you can, time permitting. Need a facial or a massage – nay, the whole goddam beauty menu – to destress and feel sexy once more? Do it – with no guilt whatsoever. I’m also a big believer in the power of shopping for a good high heel and/or a red lipstick – whatever blows your hair back, sister.
- Flick the bean: Any sexologist worth their weight in sex toys will tell you masturbation is good for your health – it’s even good for your hair, dammit! OK, I may have made that last one up. But you get the picture: a good solo sex session will put colour in your cheeks, make you feel sexier and more alive; reduces stress and PMS; and is even said to help combat chronic back pain. Sold!
- You gotta keep movin’: What’s your fave way to work up a sweat? No matter if it’s trampolining, dwarf throwing or shopping at a sale – get your pretty arse moving for those much-needed feel-good endorphins in winter. Hell, as good sex session even counts as exercise, right?
- Laugh like a drain: I’m a big believer in this one – laughter really is the best medicine for a troubled soul – so spend some time with your beloved besties, add a good cocktail or two to warm those winter cockles – and you’ll feel more like your old, sexy self in no time. In addition, there’s nothing like a man who can make you laugh – now that’s sexy! In fact, a clever and funny man may just be the ticket to charm your clothes right off and help unleash your sex-goddess-in-hiding.
- Poppin’ bottles in the ice: Lost your mojo? Find it fast with these decadent aphrodisiacs: oysters, red wine, hot chilli, champagne (OK, this one might just be me), asparagus, avocado and chocolate. These babies are scientifically proven to boost your sex life, so get your freak back on, girlfriend!
Images via www.studded-hearts.com; www.thetimes.co.uk
Can a sex machine ever replace the joys of the flesh? And can you actually imagine yourself getting it on with a handsome sexbot? Welcome to the future of sex, ladies.
Sex robots have long been a figment of our imaginations, starring in 1982’s Blade Runner, and who can forget those feisty fembots, in Austin Powers? But soon they’ll be a reality; in fact, they’ll be part of our everyday lives, researchers say. Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being, says it’s not a matter of if we’ll all be having sex with robots, but when.
Dr Mars is discussing the topic of sex robots at the futureofsex.net forum at Sydney next month. It’s a topic close to her heart following her 2010 paper, Robots, Men And Sex Tourism, which she co-wrote with “futurologist”, professor Ian Yeoman, her then-colleague at the Victoria Management School in Wellington, New Zealand.
After all, as Dr Mars points out – sex robots aren’t that much of a leap, considering women have already been using vibrators since they were invented at the turn of the 20th century. “Sex robots are absolutely inevitable and are likely to change the way we all have sex,” Dr Mars says.
“When you look at the technologisation of sex already, it’s clear that increasingly this kind of sex will become part of our leisure and pleasure. People will crave a luminal sexual experience.
“Sex robot prototypes, models, latex sex dolls and haptic technology – which recreates the sense of touch by applying forces, vibrations, or motions to the user – exist already.
“Advances in technology mean that machines are beginning to move organically. Data storage and manipulation capabilities and capacity constantly evolve. And enabling technologies is increasingly part of our lives. According to futurist Ray Kurzweil, by 2029 we will not be able to tell the difference between human and machine.”
So, what are the moral and ethical quandaries associated with sex with robots? How will intimate relationships be affected? Will sex robots help or hinder our close interpersonal relationships? “We have all the technology we need to make a sex robot right now, we have plenty of curiosity, but we don’t have the market to drive it,” Dr Mars says.
“Love and sex with a robot is not something most of us can envisage and is it real if we have to pay? Sex robots will enable sexual pleasures, but are highly likely to impede our sexual pleasures relationships.
“Women’s sexual pleasure has been enhanced by robots for over a century when they were invented at a time when orgasms were noted as a calmative or cure for women’s hysteria. Known as the job that nobody wanted, bringing women to orgasm apparently tested doctors’ skills and patience. Vibrators expedited the process of orgasm and soon women started self-soothing.
“We often look back to history for clues to the future. Vibrators definitely enhance women’s sexual relationships with themselves, but how well they have been embraced and incorporated into relationships is another story. Vibrators can be seen as threatening or read as a sign that a partner is not satisfied with our lovemaking.
“Sex robots will remember and predict our pleasures unfailingly. As Jude Law, playing Gigolo Joe in A.I. Artificial Intelligence, says: ‘Once you’ve had a lover-robot, you’ll never want a real man again.’”
In their paper, Dr Mars and Professor Ian Yeoman originally wrote about sex tourism in Amsterdam, focusing on men as the main consumers. But sex robots will “service” men and women equally in the future, she says.
“I think possibly women will demand more of their lovers and there will be more pressure on people to learn about sex, be fit for sex and know what they are doing. Sex robots will broaden our sexual horizons and inspire us to know more. Sex robots will usher a new era of sexual knowledge, understanding and expression.”
So, does sex with a robot constitute cheating? And will sex robots break up marriages aplenty, in the future? “How far can I go before it’s cheating? This is a question my clients often want to discuss,” Dr Mars says.
“They often ask: ‘If I watch porn is it cheating? If I go online and find a chat room to indulge a proclivity my partner doesn’t share, is it cheating? If I fantasise about my friend’s boyfriend, have a threesome, kiss a girl/boy/transperson, is it wrong?’
“By 2050, if not before, we will have a choice to have sex with a humanoid robot. And, in an era of sexual repression, which is where we are now, it will be seen as cheating!”
By “era of sexual repression”, Dr Mars means many people today still don’t have the kind of sex they really want, and/or don’t talk about sex or even know that much about sex. “It’s more acceptable to have a wider interest in sex now, because of the internet, but people still have many issues with the actual ‘having the sex’,” she says.
“There’s angst, guilt, and people make mistakes because they try to have the kind of sex porn stars have, but they are professionals. People often don’t really know what to do and they don’t act on their desires because they don’t want to lose relationships.”
Watch this space, ladies: sex with robots looks certain to become our new reality.
Images via target-news.com, thedailybeast.com, cityoftongues.com and dorkbotsf.wordpress.com
Need to reignite the spark between you and your partner?
It’s time to get creative, ladies (and gents): You may need to pose as Inga the Swedish milkmaid, or even indulge in some good, old-fashioned adult doctors and nurses. No matter what blows your hair back – passion play, involving roles and costumes, may lead to the best sex of your life, says Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured).
Dr Mars – who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being – is often bombarded with this million-dollar question by desperate couples: “How do I sex up my sex life?!” And role play may well be the answer.
She says the film adaptation of Fifty Shades Of Grey is, in part, so hugely popular because it glamorises couples’ role play; acting out erotic roles in a sexual fantasy. In addition, some people use sexual role play as a means of overcoming their inhibitions. “Role play can definitely reignite the spark between couples; Fifty Shades Of Grey wouldn’t be so popular if it didn’t, but it doesn’t need to be BDSM (bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism),” Dr Mars says.
“Walking around in sexy lingerie and high heels if you don’t usually do it can be all you need. Being a bit toppy, or submissive, if it’s not your usual thing can also be exciting.
“Put on a costume, see if it changes how you feel, try a wig. If you are not sure, just do it for yourself in front of the mirror no one needs to know, but you may be changed by the experience and that might be enough to light (or at least lay the foundation for) a fire!”
And the recent Under the Covers Sex Survey, commissioned by Australia’s largest adult dating site, Adult Match Maker, via www.adultmatchmaker.com.au – developed by Dr Mars – confirms the popularity of role play. More than 7600 Australian respondents answered AMM’s inaugural sex survey anonymously, shedding light on what blows our hair back in the bedroom.
Key sex survey findings included: “kinky sex” is a popular fantasy with 60 per cent of respondents, and post-Fifty Shades of Grey (pictured), BDSM (bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism) is popular, with 30 per cent of respondents including it in their list of sexual fantasies.
And if you’re looking for deeper, better intimacy with your partner – as well as the best sex of your life – Dr Mars also recommends we hit the books. “When I started to research sexual pleasure as an academic in 2005, I read every book I could find on the issue, from Masters and Johnson’s seminal work on sexual response, through to Kim Cattral’s pleasant, little book [Satisfaction: The Art of the Female Orgasm] on achieving satisfaction, and nasty, hard-core ‘how to’ books.
“There’s good advice in all of these books for couples wanting to sex up their sex lives. Improving sexual technique and making an effort to get better educated in this area is so important. It’s one of those things we think we can just do, but actually like anything, it takes effort, energy and practice.”
And, dear readers, if you’re also in need of advice on how to have more spontaneous sex, the good doctor advises us to diarise sex, such as role play. “Spontaneous sex happens when people feel sexy and when that isn’t happening then scheduling sex, making sex dates or times to share some sensual intimacy can work way better,” Dr Mars says.
And, like countless couples, if mismatched libidos are the bane of your existence, she says to take the pressure to have sexual intercourse out of the equation. “Mismatched libidos is a problem in relationships, but not just for men. Women can also want more sex than their partners and it’s a problem for both partners, not just the partner who wants more sex,” Dr Mars says.
“Shifting the focus to sensuality is a tried-and-tested technique for increasing intimacy in a relationship. Sometimes, this also leads to more sex. Increasing intimacy and spending time on sensuality can help to increase sexual energy and sexual energy is the key to great sex.
“If you want to get back to having more sexual pleasure, or make sure your partner is having it with you, then it’s time for either or both of you to make a change. Often libido drops when we are tired, unfit, or unwell, so improving overall energy levels by making changes to your physical well-being can make a massive difference.”
And Dr Mars believes boosting our sexual energy is also crucial to resolving sexual discord. “After I finished reading all those sex books I started reading books about sexual energy – there are a lot of them,” she says. “I also started going to workshops and practicing different techniques to increase my sexual energy. You can think of this as sexual physiotherapy or sexual reiki.
“What I discovered, was that you can lift your sexual energy and you can share that with a partner. If you want more sex than your partner and this is an ongoing issue then you should be able to answer this question: ‘What have you learned about sex since your last sexual encounter with your partner?
“So, here is my advice to both partners in a mismatched libido relationship, get fit, get educated, talk to a sexpert, spend some time looking after yourself, start making the change yourself. “In the words of that famous philosopher/model Rachael Hunter: ‘It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen’.”
What do you think? Is role play important in your sex life?
Images via Cosmopolitan, en.cyplive.com and archive.lovingyou.com
Women often have sex without an orgasm – instead they enjoy the closeness, being touched and the experience of initial penetration. Regardless of how good this may feel, these things don’t come close to the enjoyment of the big O. Plus non-orgasmic sex essentially misses the chemical release associated with an orgasm, which can often leave women feeling frustrated.
While many women think this is totally normal and just put up with it, it really doesn’t need to be this way. Women can and should reach a point where they can orgasm every time. With a little self-discovery and self-reflection, this article will explain how it can be done. And it’s not one particular thing women can do, but several things combined.
What’s stopping you?
Firstly, women need to figure out what’s preventing their orgasm: Is it because their lover finishes, are they distracted, is their mind wandering off, are they concerned about how they look, do they know how to orgasm or could it be a medical or psychological issue? Whatever the cause things can be rectified so satisfying orgasmic sex is had every time.
Get your partner to slow down
Another publication I read recommended speeding up the process of a female orgasm. Why? It’s not a damn race to an imaginary orgasmic finish line! Men who ejaculate quickly can learn to hold off and wait for their partner to climax with a little practice. Plus there are medications available which help.
The best way to get your lover to slow down is to communicate. Tell them that you need more foreplay and hold off intercourse until you are ready. Foreplay prepares the body for orgasm. So if you are one of those poor souls missing out, you need to reflect on the foreplay you’re not having. If you are engaging in intercourse before you’re ready, there’s no way your body will achieve it.
People aren’t mind readers, so you need to tell your lover what works for you. If you like to have your ear nibbled on, tell them. Don’t assume that because you do it to them that they will get the hint. Be directive. But not like a school teacher – unless that’s what they like. Be seductive in the way that you let them know what gets your juices flowing.
Be in the moment
Researchers call the brain the largest sex organ for a reason. If your mind wanders off and you find yourself thinking about anything other than what’s happening between you and your lover, your chance of orgasm drastically reduces. Instead, use your brain to help you orgasm. Fantasise while having sex – the dirtier the better really.
Don’t feel embarrassed about your fantasies either. Your brain is a private oasis. Besides, if you did tell your partner what it is your thinking, they’d secretly love it (unless it’s about someone else). This is also how men can hold off ejaculation. They can concentrate on something other than sex and this reduces their potential to climax. Some people have a go-to thought that either helps or hinders the situation.
Be in charge of your orgasm
Loads of people believe it’s their lover’s job to make them climax. That’s rubbish! We all need to take responsibility and take charge of our own orgasms. Work out what turns you on and what doesn’t and discover what positions work for you. Women who have masturbated are more likely to orgasm because one, they know they can do it; and two, they know how it’s done. Either figure it out with your lover or by yourself.
If by some chance you can’t reach orgasm through masturbation or intercourse, you may have a condition which is preventing it. Female orgasmic dysfunction isn’t uncommon for women to experience, but if you think you may be suffering, head to a GP who can then refer you to a specialist. It may be physical or psychological but professionals can work with you to achieve the type of sexual satisfaction you deserve.
Use sex toys
Sex toys can really help women orgasm. So find one which will help you and use it on your own or with your lover (they are still called marital aids for a reason). There are always new ones on the market and some can improve the experience of intercourse substantially for both of you.
It’s totally understandable that women can’t reach orgasm when they are distracted by external forces such as babies waking up. If this is the problem initially, sort out some distraction free time. It might be getting the bub looked after, spending the night in a hotel or some other method of removing the distraction.
To orgasm every time, gradually increase exposure to the distraction and work toward achieving orgasm when it’s there. It can be done, and after a time the distraction won’t have a negative effect. This is called exposure therapy and psychologists use it successfully all the time.
Self-pressure on appearance or orgasm
If self-pressure on appearance is an issue, rest assured it will be the furthest thing from your lover’s mind. They want you – all of you! It may pay to work on your body image out of the bedroom to stop it affecting you in the bedroom.
If pressure to orgasm is the problem, you need to relax. Be in the now, fantasise and most importantly don’t try so hard. Experience the sensation of touch and enjoy it. Let your mind wander from the pressure to the pleasure you are experiencing. Another way to reduce the pressure is to start with longer love-making sessions that involve erotic massage. This will relax the body and encourage you to orgasm naturally.
Anticipate pleasure and orgasm
Finally, when most men have sex they anticipate pleasure and orgasm. They enjoy the experience for what it is and allow themselves to be completely engulfed in it. Most are not thinking about having to go to work and they certainly aren’t distracted by babies in the next room. Instead, they are in the here and now wanting their lover and looking forward to the experience of an orgasm. If women follow their lead, they should be able to reach a stage when they too can orgasm every time.
Image via delightfulknowledge.com
Does the G-Spot actually exist? And, if so, where the hell is it?
Never fear, dear readers, SHE SAID has got the fast facts on this one. This common sex myth irks Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars no end. For Dr Mars – who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being – says that despite many scientific claims to the contrary, the G-spot does in fact exist! “Best scientific evidence is that it does exist!” Dr Mars says.
“Science backs up my own experiences on this one. In an article published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2012, a group of experts concluded that ‘the assumption that women may experience only the clitoral, external orgasm is not based on the best available scientific evidence’.
“I think it’s a myth that it doesn’t exist because a lot of knowledge about female pleasure has been lost over the centuries and the idea that clitoral stimulation is required for orgasm has become pervasive.
“Women who gushed a lot were embarrassed and sometimes not sure they had urinated.
“Plus, not everyone knows how to do it so it might be something that only happens occasionally. We think sex is something you just do not something you can learn about!”
The G-spot, also called the Gräfenberg spot (after German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg), is said to be an erogenous area of the vagina that, when stimulated, may lead to strong sexual arousal, powerful orgasms and potential female ejaculation. So, where the bloody hell is it, exactly? “It’s a cluster of nerve endings near the entrance of the vagina,” Dr Mars says.“Some women are more aware of sensation than others.
“The G-spot is about two inches inside the vagina toward the front of a woman’s body.”
Dr Mars’ best sexpert advice in finding the G-spot is to tread carefully. So, do couples need to use a torch? “No!” she laughs. “If you’re exploring the G-spot, take the time to make it sexy, go slow, go in shallow, get the angle right, in and up. Keep the pressure firm.
“Be aware that it can take time; getting better at any kind of sex doesn’t happen overnight.
“It’s very obvious for some people, but for some women it’s just a dribble and they may not be aware of extra moisture until they stand up and move around.”
So, can you survive sex – indeed life – without experiencing G-spot vaginal ejaculation? “It’s another kind of pleasure, partners feel pleasure when they make their partners feel good,” Dr Mars says. “Learning to have fun with the G-spot is important because it opens up new avenues of pleasure and stimulates new neural pathways for pleasure.”
And ladies (and men) if you still need help finding the elusive G-spot, Dr Mars says there are a plethora of sex toys specifically designed to stimulate it. But she still really, really wants you to do your homework and find the damn thing. “Like great kitchen appliances, sex toys don’t make up for knowing what you’re doing,” she says. “For those who prefer vibrators, this is a good couple toy to play with: The Thrill Clit, G-spot and Anal Vibrator from We-Vibe.”
Interestingly, Dr Mars says that while only women have G-spots, men have what’s called a “P-spot”. Stay tuned for more on that soon, ladies.
What do you think? Have you found the G-spot?
Images, in order, via femamom.com; www.bodysculptor.com and abcnews.go.com.