Five years ago, if I saw the words “family friendly hotel” I would have thrown up in my mouth.
Because it gets expensive to keep bribing them with candy.
Children are continually learning and evolving, so being constant in your positive parenting techniques will help in shaping and dealing with your child’s behaviour. Here are 10 top tips on how to achieve harmony but also deal with those inevitable lows.
1. Talk and get to know your child
All children are different, so make time to find out what your child’s interests are and what angers him/her. Consider the tone and volume that you use, as this can make a big difference to how much your child listens and respects you.
2. Listen to your child
It’s important to listen to your child whether he/she is worried, angry or happy. If your child doesn’t feel you’re showing due consideration to their anxiety, he/she may act out, rebel or withdraw.
3. Engage in your child’s interests and introduce him/her to new ones
Whether playing, fishing, stamp collecting or engaging in sports, being active in your child’s life in a fun and stimulating way is important to their development.
4. Set boundaries and punish effectively
Children need to know where the boundaries lie before they can keep to them, so when they are testing how far they can go you need to be firm but fair. Ensure that you are constant, and when you punish them, and that you explain why they are being punished, so they will learn for the future. For a young child, placing him/her in the corner for a few minutes can be effective, while older children might be grounded. It’s a good idea to investigate why your child misbehaved before punishing him/her though.
5. Notice and praise good behaviour
Just as important as setting boundaries is rewarding your child when he/she is well behaved.
6. Praise your child’s achievements
Ask your child about their performance and achievements in school, sports, clubs and hobbies, and show your recognition, as this will make them happy and motivated to continue achieving.
7. Build self confidence
As your child grows up they will need to get used to making new friends and dealing with difficult situations. Show your child your love, and try to support your child without getting too involved so that they become more independent. Avoid comparing him/her to your other children as this can reduce confidence further.
8. Understand changes and let them learn from their own mistakes
Your child will inevitably change over time and make mistakes, and there will be difficult times, so do your best to understand and accept these moments. Don’t be afraid to let your child deal with his/her own consequences, as only in this way will they learn from their mistakes.
9. Deal with mistakes and downfalls positively
Your child will probably be as upset as you are, so for the sake of your sanity, your relationship with your child, and you child’s behaviour, try not to be pessimistic in the bad times. It will get better.
10. Look after your health and be optimistic
Your child will react to your behaviour and your attitude towards them, so in order to retain your positive parenting techniques, ensure you are happy with yourself, in good health, and able to set a good example for your child.
If you’ve ever considered being a stay-at-home mum you really need to be aware of the reality of your decision. Expectant parents are often naive about the choices they’re making because it can be very difficult to imagine the future. They may think it will be better for the baby and their family for mum to stay home, when in fact it’s a full on mental, physical, emotional and often financial test of endurance. Not only does the mother need to be strong, but so does the relationship between both parents.
So, what are some of the downsides to being a stay-at-home mum? OMG, where do I start!? There’s isolation for one – that’s a big factor because the majority of women are choosing to go back to work. Unlike women in the fifties who all stayed at home and raised their children like a community, that just isn’t the case now.
For the majority of the time a stay-at-home mum will be alone with the kids. There isn’t a lot of adult conversation to be had unless you join a local playgroup. However, they are only run a few times a week at most and you would need to find one where you get along with the other mums. So in reality, a typical stay-at-home mum does spend an incredible amount of time on her own.
With all that alone time depression can creep in because humans find isolation so difficult. This puts the new mum at risk of Post Natal Depression and this will put an enormous strain on everything she does. She will struggle to look after the baby, herself, and her relationships, so essentially she will isolate herself even more.
If she’s lucky enough to avoid Post Natal Depression, the isolation can affect other aspects of her life. For example, have you ever tried to have a conversation with a stay-at-home mum who only talks about her kids? Some women get all consumed by the task of parenting and actually forget there’s a whole world out there that doesn’t revolve around their children. This can be an added stress on a relationship, especially when hubby comes home and all she can talk about is dirty nappies and housework.
This brings me to yet another factor that can be affected: the partnership between parents. As they are generally only on the one income, finance is usually tighter than previously experienced. Additionally, there are multiple expenses associated with having a baby because cute little tackers aren’t cheap to keep!
Unless the relationship between the parents is rock solid, becoming a stay-at-home mum will put pressure on both parties. Her partner will likely be tired from a day at work and she will need some time out from bubs when he gets home. Not to forget babies need to learn the difference between night and day and new parents get very little sleep. Overall, this is a recipe for disaster unless both parents are willing to put in the hard work to survive their situation.
Then, depending on how long the stay-at-home mum has been out of the work force for, she will also struggle in many cases to return to a decent position. Some women stay home until their youngest child is in primary school and for some this may take longer than a decade. Imagine the change to workplaces and technology within that time! She would have to stay trained during her stint at home to even get considered for a position.
I could go on and on about the downside of being a stay-at-home mum, but I think you can get the picture. In many ways having some outlet of work, adult contact and responsibilities outside of the home could be a positive thing. Plus, having that away time from the kids is essential to retain some part of the person they were prior to motherhood. Regardless of what choice expectant parents make, they need to fully appreciate both sides of the equation very carefully.
Do you get annoyed by super-expensive wedding gift registries? Especially when you’ve left it to the last minute, and all that’s left is a $500 cutlery set?
Brace yourself, poor beleaguered parents – kids’ birthday gift registries are an increasingly popular new trend both in Australia and overseas.
Many upmarket small children’s toy and clothing stores and gift shops now offer the wish list service, as do big retailers like Myer, Amazon and Toys “R” Us and Babies “R” Us.
Other top-end kids’ stores have started offering expensive “bespoke baby hampers” with just the right styling lest you – gasp – commit the cardinal sin of not purchasing the perfect baby gift.
So, have kids’ and babies’ birthday parties gone too far? Or does a gift registry actually help frazzled, time-poor parents?
How would you feel if you received a kids’ birthday party invitation, with a gift registry which included over-the-top, expensive gifts? Of course, this is the norm in la-la land, whereby Hollywood celebrities wouldn’t think twice about buying kids exorbitant and outrageous gifts, such as diamond-encrusted dummies (pictured) and/or a mini Ferrari worth US$25,000.
I was recently shocked, when shopping for birthday gifts for my youngest toddler who’s turning two, at some of the super pricey items stocked at a local, small retailer who specialises in cool and quirky kids’ gifts. The store also proudly displayed a sign saying it offered kids’ gift registries.
And then when my three-year-old toddler who had accompanied me started eyeing off a gorgeous, expensive-looking tulle tutu dress in the store, sans price tag, I knew it was time to make a hasty retreat.
“How much is this pretty dress?” I asked the sales assistant, as my three-year-old made a series of small, delighted squeals and on-the-spot twirls while admiring the dress.
“It’s $350,” said the snooty sales assistant, “And handmade,” she quickly added, upon seeing the frown on my face before I speedily escorted my toddler out the door.
Now, I’m not immune to occasionally spending a fortune on my small people, but that’s a bit steep for a kids’ dress she’ll quickly outgrow, if you ask me. And I don’t care if it was handmade by silk worms! I promptly took my little one to Big W and got her a $30 tutu dress she was equally enamoured with.
It’s a sentiment shared by Dr Karen Phillip (pictured), who’s one of Australia’s leading relationship and parenting experts.
The counselling psychotherapist and clinical hypnotherapist, international author and keynote speaker, who’s based on the Central Coast of New South Wales, advises parents against setting up expensive kids’ birthday gift registries and buying super-costly children’s gifts, in general.
“Instead of buying a $350 dress for a child, or putting it on a kids’ gift registry, parents should think: ‘For $350, I can improve my child’s mind,’” Dr Phillip says.
“I don’t like kids’ gift registries personally due to the ramifications of the pressure parents put on themselves and their kids.
“The children’s expectations of themselves become escalated and then they crash and burn in their adolescence.
“I’m referring to their expectations to aspire to, not just gift giving, but expectations of behaviour and achievement – to have to be the best achiever, attain perfection and be good-looking.”
And gift registries also greatly negatively impact parents,” Dr Phillip says. “I believe gift registries put unfair expectations on parents and often people can’t afford it – it just takes away from parents.
“People think: ‘I’m letting my child down’. It’s awful!
“And everything is measured against who bought what from the gift registry; it cheapens the process of gift giving.
“A gift registry for a wedding is practical, but a kids’ birthday gift registry for anyone under 16 is rubbish! Kids’ parties can turn into an absolute shemozzle because of the expectations and expense.
“Parents can’t afford it [kids’ gift registries] and some get angry and then the children get offended by the parents’ talking, because the walls have ears, and then the kids fight at school and they get ostracised and bullied.
“It’s also really sad for the kids having the parties when no one shows.”
Dr Phillip says it’s crucial parents instill a sense of gratitude in their children. In addition, open discussion between parents pre-parties was one way to take the stress and expense out of gift giving.
“It’s a good idea for parents to advise other parents of what their child is into or likes as this aids gift purchase,” she says. “So, advising what interests the child is wise without selecting gifts for purchase [via a registry], which may be construed as arrogant.”
Mum of two, Erina Natho, 35, from Queensland’s Sunshine Coast, who has four-month-old and two-year-old daughters, is not a fan of expensive kids’ birthday gift registries either.
“I would never do it, personally,” Mrs Natho says. “I think anything creating a big expectation in our kids is not good.
“They should get excited by the small things, like a book or a toy, not a big, expensive gift registry.
“I don’t want my kids to miss out on anything either, but then I think about my own childhood, growing up in the 80s, in a single-parent household. I grew up knowing where everything came from, as everything was laybyed.
“These days, kids expect too much. I used to make my own fun! What’s wrong with paint and a bit of imagination?”
While the busy mum concedes kids’ birthday gift registries would prevent parents from doubling up on gifts, Mrs Natho agrees with Dr Phillip that it’s preferable for parents to talk to each other about what kids actually need before buying gifts.
“If I was faced with an expensive kids’ birthday gift registry, I’d probably go: ‘Wow, you know what? I’m going to go get what I want’,” she says.
“At the end of the day, it’s about the joy of giving and the sentiment involved.”
For more information on Dr Phillip, visit www.karenphillip.com.au.
What do you think? Are kids’ birthday gift registries a good idea or an unnecessary evil?
Images via www.lifehacker.com.au; everydaylife.globalpost.com; newsfeed.time.com and www.bornrich.com.
It’s no secret that as a mother of a toddler, you’ll have to find superwoman-like mind strength and Mother Teresa-like patience.
Small people are a trying bunch; ridiculously cute, but ever-growing and evolving, they can shock and surprise you with new habits, such as toddler fears, just when you think you’ve got them all worked out. A case in point is my three-year-old daughter, who’s suddenly developed an almighty fear of the “big bath.”
You see, my husband and I bathed her and her two-year-old sister together in a small baby bath within our big bath up until only recently, because it was easier to contain two slippery little tykes. But now that they’ve well and truly outgrown it, we’ve upgraded to the adult-size bath and OMG, the tears and the tantrums?! I swear our neighbours must think we’re child abusers. The horror!
It’s the flush-down-the-drain dread that’s got my little one losing her tiny mind. What’s more, no amount of soothing or coaxing seems to help and she’s stubbornly refusing to sit down in the bath each night, all the while screaming like a banshee as if we’re torturing her.
Meanwhile, her two-year-old sister is equally baffled by her odd behaviour and then she works herself up into a frenzy in kind, after witnessing her sibling’s nightly bath-induced meltdowns. It’s like dealing with terrorists, I tell you! And all this is very upsetting at times and far from bloody ideal.
Child health experts say toddler fears are very common, in part due to their ever-evolving imaginations. As they grow, they start to realise they can get hurt and bad things can happen.
Experts say never admonish or belittle your child over his or her immoveable fears. Instead, we parents must dig deep and give our toddlers an ample dose of sympathy. We’re also advised to tell our little ones that it’s OK to have fears and praise any progress he or she makes, no matter how little.
That’s all good and well, but my advice is you may need a glass of wine (or two) afterwards, too. It’s hard to see your child upset and beyond reason, but like all toddler phases – this soon shall pass. At least that’s what my friends tell me!
Common toddler fears
- The bath
- Loud noises
- Doctor visits
- Santa and other costumed performers
- The ocean
- The dark
What do you think? What are your toddler’s fears?
Images via todaysparent.com, drgreene.com and magicmum.com
On TV recently I saw a toddler roaming freely around a moving car. When questioned, it was stated that the toddler refused to sit in the seat or wear a belt. I think the child was about two years old. Now despite the fact it was ludicrous stating this as a valid excuse to avoid a fine, it did get the cogs turning. I thought to myself, what if all toddlers were really in charge? Can you imagine what that scenario would look like behind closed doors?
For starters, I wonder what would be on the menu? Fruit, veggies and custard with stewed apples? I highly doubt it. As soon as that kid got a taste of McDonald’s and began collecting those happy meal figurines I’m pretty sure fruit and veggies wouldn’t get much of a look in. As far as drinks go, I reckon they’d ditch their water bottles or pop tops and go for a nice cold glass of Coke. They don’t care if they don’t sleep or if their teeth rot.
Which brings me to bedtime. As they’re fully hyped up on sugar and processed foods, bedtime would become a thing of the past. An overtired toddler has no idea what’s going on. They just scream until they get their own way. Which, by the way, they have no idea what that is. What’s the bet they’d hold out until they couldn’t hold out anymore and just drop on the spot and sleep where ever they happened to land.
Be aware though that as soon as you move them, they’ll wake up. A toddler in charge wants attention day and night, especially when you want to sleep. Not to mention that your sex life will definitely suffer. Toddlers don’t know that mummy and daddy need alone time. When they do finally sleep, they’d prefer to do it snuggled up next to you. This not only assures attention but will prevent you from having another child. This means they’ll get to rule the roost for years to come and never be required to share.
Now bathtime could possibly go one way or the other depending on the child’s preference. You could either get a nudist always wanting warm water for the tub or a stinky baby who won’t go near it. Toddlers don’t have a middle ground and it will be all or nothing.
As far as entertainment goes, the TV would be permanently on and switched to ABC kids. If they’ve grasped the concept of DVDs you might get a continuous playback of the Wiggles, Dora the Explorer or Thomas the Tank engine. You can forget the late-night crime shows or reality TV. Hubby can totally forget about watching sport as well. Toddlers just aren’t into that and remember it’s all about them, so you’ll have no say.
There won’t be any more adult outings either. All trips would either be to the local park, beach or swimming pool. They generally hate the shops, so you’d need to order everything online. Plus you won’t be heading to the movies, pub or club anytime soon. You may get away with visiting friends or relatives but as soon as the toddlers had enough you’ll need to leave.
You may get to sneak off to work but the toddler won’t be too happy when mum leaves the house. They have no idea that work equals housing, food and entertainment. If you’re lucky, all income will need to be brought in by dad if the toddler lets him leave. There won’t be working from home options either. That toddler’s going to demand your attention 24/7.
In the car, you’ll probably experience what the toddler did at the beginning of the story. Defiant till the end, they won’t want to be restrained. They have no fear and safety to a toddler isn’t even a word! They’ll jump around from front to back and probably end up perched in the front seat on the driver’s lap driving the damn car. They don’t care they just want the best view.
So consider the chaos it would cause if toddlers did run the show. Was it just in the car that the toddler had control? I somehow doubt that. Perhaps this a glimpse at how they really live? Hmm, the mind really does boggle. What were these people thinking? Don’t they know toddlers grow into teens? If they think their life is bad now, wait till that happens!
If your child is starting kindergarten, you’re probably experiencing an array of emotions right now. Proud that you’ve come so far on your parenting journey. Struggling to let your little one go. Overjoyed that you’ll have all this time to yourself. Sad that you’ll have all this time to yourself…
In addition to your own emotional roller coaster, your child may start behaving strangely. Tears in the morning, tantrums in the afternoon and you begin wondering if you’ve accidentally made a mistake and sent your two-year-old to school. Take heart, this behaviour is completely normal and will pass as your child adjusts. In the meantime, here are some things you can do to make the transition to kindergarten as smooth as possible both for you and for your child.
Allow your child to express her emotions
Your little one is spending her days in a new environment, with a teacher she doesn’t know well yet. Numerous things happen during her time at school that may upset her, excite her or make her uncomfortable, but she doesn’t know how to deal with it all yet. By the end of the day she’s full of new impressions and disappointments. Then she sees you and to her that means safety. She can now relax, be herself and let her emotions flow. Don’t see her behaviour as naughty or annoying. Instead, accept that this is your child’s expression of trust and be her safety island.
Be a role model
This is a big change for yourself, too, so it’s normal to feel anxious. Do what you need to do to take care of your own emotions – have a good cry once your child has been dropped off, talk to a friend, do something nice for yourself and try to have a happy, relaxed attitude about school. Your child will pick up on your feelings, so model what you want to see in her.
Introduce an earlier bedtime
Your child is adjusting to change and she’s also required to work a lot harder than before, so she will be tired. Set up an earlier bed time routine to allow for extra rest. You will probably benefit from an earlier bedtime, too. Nothing helps better with emotions running wild than a good night’s sleep.
Minimise after-school activities
I can tell you from personal experience that there’s nothing quite as frustrating as trying to drag a reluctant 5-year-old to a gymnastics class after school and there’s absolutely no reason why you should have to go through it every week. If your child is feeling more tired and irritable than usual, put swimming and dance lessons on hold for the first term or two. You can always re-enroll in a few months, when your new student is happy and confident at school.
Hopefully, everything will be effortless for you and you won’t need any of my tips for starting kindergarten. But just in case you’re having a hard time, I want you to know that you’re not alone. And that your child (and you) will adjust.
Image by joduma via pixabay.com
Dads of the twenty first century are now expected to parent children, more than any other time in history. This includes step-dads, separated or divorced dads. While fathers have taken on disciplinary roles in the past, day to day parenting has traditionally been the responsibility of mothers.
The main issue with this massive shift in societal roles and expectations is lack of experience, knowledge and guidance. This is because many fathers of previous generations neglected critical aspects of parenting. For many, they just didn’t know how.
As a result today’s dads who want to be more involved in parenting, may lack the knowledge, skills or confidence. They won’t admit it, but many haven’t had sufficient exposure to effective role models. They are learning parenting skills from sources like the internet, other dads and their child’s mother.
This is why encouraging fathers to parent children is so vital. Not only in satisfaction raising them but to educate fathers of the future. Mothers need to play a pivotal role in achieving this. Particularly if they are going to make an impact on generations of parents who surpass them. The question is how?
Mothers have an innate way of hovering over their offspring regardless of their age. This is an enormous responsibility, especially in the infancy stage and one which can and should be shared. Offering responsibilities to fathers will lighten the load and encourage involvement.
While most fathers would be happy for this to occur, it’s mothers who have stunted progress. The key here is for mothers to relinquish control. (Easier said than done!) It doesn’t matter if things aren’t done the same or if parenting styles aren’t exact. As long as both parents remain consistent children learn to adapt. This is a valuable life lesson which enables kids to adapt to different situations as they get older. Much like they do when they have multiple teachers at school.
It’s very easy to pick someone else’s parenting efforts to pieces, especially in the heat of the moment when kids play up. Ridiculing parenting efforts will only encourage fathers to doubt themselves and withdraw. The aim is to encourage, provide support, grow and learn together. This builds confidence in both parents.
When positive parenting efforts or changes occur, use praise and provide more opportunities for fathers to use their new skills. Remember, the only way to improve and gain confidence is to practice.
Talk about your parenting experiences and issues often. I can’t stress this enough. This will provide an opportunity to become a united front. Kids need to know what their behavioural expectations are from both parents. If given the opportunity, they will divide and conquer to get their way. This applies from toddler to adult so you may as well start as soon as possible.
If they manage to divide you it will cause enormous strain on your family. As parents, set consistent boundaries together and most importantly enforce them. Communicating is the only way you can make this work, regardless of whether you are parenting together or apart. Separated parents have a much higher chance of being manipulated by kids to get their way. Communicate with your child’s father / step-father and make it a priority.
Remember not to attack but voice concerns if you have them. To avoid attacking start sentences with “I” instead of “you”, followed by the behaviour. Address the behaviour, not the individual. For example; “I feel uncomfortable when you…”. Instead of “You make me uncomfortable when you…”. Parenting can be a touchy subject, so be mindful of how you say what’s on your mind.
It’s really important that fathers get alone time to bond with their kids. Separated parents often argue about this. Unless a child is in immediate danger, fathers should have private access to their kids. It’s all about what’s best for them, not how you feel personally about your ex. The children love you both, so keep negative parenting opinions to yourself.
If you are a partnered parent avoid pushing alone time opportunities upon fathers who need time out. Be fair and possibly create a schedule so both parents have parenting time alone. Also encourage fathers to take the kids away from home. Initially a park outing might be enough. Use gradual exposure to build confidence.
Fathers who have little exposure to their children alone in public are often quite timid about the idea. It’s generally a confidence thing. Plus the thought of anything going wrong and needing to report back to the mother is terrifying. Don’t laugh, because this is a viable rationale, especially for step-dads.
Give fathers time to learn
Finally, provide time for growth. Some fathers are intimidated by the responsibility, the actual size of babies or small children and above all making mistakes. Encourage them, provide opportunity and guidance, praise their efforts and above all be patient.
If you think it would be helpful find a local parenting group. Some are offered especially for fathers and some can be done together. They can be very helpful in educating both mothers and fathers adapt to their twenty first century parenting roles. Take a look at your local council website for options.
Image via dailymail.co.uk
Congratulations! You’ve made it more than halfway through the holidays without giving the kids away for adoption. Some of you may have thought about it though, so you’ll be hunting for some budget ideas to keep them busy, now and in the future. These ideas can occupy kids of various ages, will keep them out of mischief, encourage their creative side and keep them away from technology. They are also excellent for cognitive or motor development. As they get a bit older, they can do these activities unsupervised and you won’t need to hear that never ending cry that they’re bored.
Sandpits don’t need to be works of art or inside tiny little shells. Especially to entertain older kids, just get a trailer load of sandpit sand and literally dump it anywhere! If you don’t have a trailer, you can get it delivered and it will still be great value for money.
Free sided sandpits are much safer, more fun and hygienic than the ones in neat little boxes. Your kids can pile the sand into a mound and jump in and out of it without injury and the sand dissipates into the grass or garden easily and just dispapears. Therefore, it won’t get old, moldy and germ ridden. It’s just like being at the beach, but it’s right in the backyard. When it gets low, just grab another trailer load and they will think it’s Christmas!
When my boys were younger, I set ours up so they were close enough to the house that I could hear them, but far enough away so by the time they reached the back door, most of the sand was still in the garden, not in the house. They could wander out there at will and I didn’t need to supervise every second of every day. They could use their imaginations and get precious time away from me to create and explore. I loved the sound of their voices out there knowing they were having fun, staying safe and being outside.
The busy box
I got the busy box idea from Playschool almost 20 years ago. It was a favorite with my kids during hot, cold or wet days. It grew in size from a small container and expanded as the kids got older and started sourcing their own materials. They would ask friends and relatives to save stuff for them and before long we were collecting enough to take extra stuff to their Playgroup and school for others to share.
We bought some things, like paints, textas, pencils, chalk, glitter, plain and colored paper. The rest was collected. They sourced old magazines, scraps of wrapping paper, bows and ribbons, cardboard rolls, discarded plastic containers or jars, pegs or pop sticks. It was only limited to their imagination, so we had a bit of everything. The hardest thing was keeping them out of the recycling bin!
We also collected stuff during outings for them to take home and make wall hangings or add to scrapbooks. Things like shells, small pebbles, flowers, leaves, gum-nuts, seeds, feathers, pamphlets of the attractions we visited, photos we took and even soil samples! These decorated their rooms, were given to friends and family, made into cards and wrapping paper, plus I always had something new and spectacular to hang on the fridge or frame and take to the office.
Image via blessingsmultiplied.com
If you’ve ever experienced the unrelenting horror of a baby who barely sleeps, you’ll understand only too well why so many desperate parents turn to sleep schools for help.
I was one of them – nine months of sleep deprivation with our second daughter, born just 18 months after our first, saw my poor, sleep-deprived husband and I worriedly searching for answers – anything we could find to help ease our pain.
Our first baby slept through the night like an angel from eight weeks, and when our second didn’t follow suit, we were shell-shocked to say the least. What the hell was going on? And, after reading what felt like 10,000 baby books and that still barely helping, our local child health nurse suggested a local Medicare-funded sleep school located within a hospital. A tiny glimmer of hope sprang forth in my heart.
You can attend these “family centres” as a family unit, but I chose to go it alone with our little problem sleeper so that my husband could care for our toddler without disrupting her routine.
Now, there are many different sleep schools out there – mine was a four to seven day residential centre which catered for parents and their children aged up to three. It aimed to teach the following: nutrition and feeding, sleep and settling techniques, relaxation and stress management and more.
I will say from the outset that there are positives to be gained from attending such a centre, and I’m sure they help many people, but this one just wasn’t for me. For me, it felt a lot like a prison and I bristled every time a midwife gave unwanted, snarky and contradictory advice about everything from what my baby was wearing (too hot/too cold!) to the rare occasion when she was sucking on a dummy (dummies are the Antichrist!).
My nine-month-old baby and I were there to learn better sleep-settling techniques in a calm, supportive environment – or so I’d hoped. Instead, on our first night there, I was shocked and bewildered when a giant, matronly midwife started smacking my baby on the bum, with considerable force, as a sleep-settling technique!? My daughter was just as upset as I was, if not more so, poor little lamb.
I already had an effective sleep-settling routine down pat, pardon the pun, it’s just that my little one went easily to sleep, but wouldn’t ever stay there, waking every second hour or less, no matter what we tried. How was smacking her hard, to the point of shock/tears, going to help? I felt undermined and misunderstood.
And while they didn’t openly advocate “controlled crying” – the centre had another nicer name for it – they certainly were far too military tough with infants, in my opinion.
But perhaps the biggest fail about this particular centre was that it wasn’t sound-proof – each small room backed on to another and unfortunately for my daughter and I, we actually got less sleep than normal (which I’d never dreamt was possible) because our room was oh-so-inconveniently located next door to a three-year-old toddler (and his mum) whose ear-splitting howling 24/7 made me truly despair.
I lasted two nights of this incessant, God-awful noise right next to my ear before stomping out in the middle of the night to the nurses’ station to see what, if anything, was being done to help the poor mother, only to find a group of midwives on their coffee break, oblivious and uncaring to any distress, mine or otherwise.
And, as to the reasons as to why my little one still wasn’t sleeping well through the night at that stage – I’ll never know – for as soon as she hit 10 months, mere weeks after our prison, sorry sleep-school experience, she started blissfully doing it all on her own.
Since then, a GP has told me many babies simply aren’t developmentally ready to sleep through the night until nine, ten months, maybe even longer, nor should we naively expect them to be, given they’re all little individuals, with different personalities. Wish I’d gotten this advice sooner!?
For us, my daughter’s sudden, improved sleep habits were nothing short of life-changing but, looking back, if I’d just had a bit more patience, we need not have endured the sleep school – I could have, should have, just waited it out a bit longer. Ah, the beauty of hindsight.
Now, some positives from the experience, just to round things out: it was free; I attended some interesting (did I mention free?) seminars; and I got to meet many other suffering parents, with whom I swapped war stories over coffee and biscuits in the common room. Many of us heartily bitched about the prison warden-like midwives in solidarity, too.
My advice? Try it, you might like it. This particular sleep school wasn’t for me, but it might work well for you. But go in prepared and stick to your guns – there’s no rulebook on parenting, follow what your heart and gut instincts are telling you. And all babies sleep through the night eventually – don’t lose hope, sister.
What do you think? Have you attended a sleep school?
Main image via ecoroa.eu, secondary image via presschoolmummy.com; final image via theelfsdeviantart.com
Millions of separated or divorced couples share care of their kids. For many of these people the kids are the only reason there continues to be a connection. Yes, it would be easier to remove them from your life, but if a parent wants to be involved in the care of their child and is capable of doing so, personality differences or your past relationship baggage should not hinder this. You both need to find a way through your emotions to make it happen.
Negotiation of shared care over school holidays, special events like birthdays and Christmas, can be an opportunity for yet another heated argument. Rather than needing each negotiation to be heard before the courts or witnessed by mediators, you both really need to find a positive way to keep the peace, specifically for your children. If either parent can’t get past this, the damage you are both doing to your children may be irreversible. Therefore, we have some tips for you to keep in mind when dealing with your ex.
Tip 1: It’s not about you and it’s not about your ex. It’s all about the kids you have both created and doing what’s best for them. It’s that simple.
Tip 2: Make any negotiations like a business transaction. Keep emotions out of the decision making process.
Tip 3: Be fair and open to compromise.
Tip 4: Don’t abuse, argue with, belittle or put down your ex to their face or in front of your children. Your children are a combination of the two of you and therefore they feel like you are also attacking them or don’t like aspects of them. If you need to vent, do so well away from your children so they don’t overhear you.
Tip 5: The kids love you both, so you need to let them in their own way. If they want to give something to the other parent or be with them, encourage it. If children have a healthy relationship with both their parents, they are far more likely to be able to have healthy relationships when they get older.
Tip 6:You are role modelling their future relationships. Always be aware of this and provide positive role modelling.
Tip 7: Find a way to negotiate with your ex for shared care. Many people send simple text messages like “Picking the kids up at 6pm Friday and I will bring them back at 6pm Sunday night.” It’s all facts with no emotion.
Tip 8: Some people find the change over an extreme issue. There are a few options you can organise:
- Both of you have a mutual family member pick up and drop off
- Changeover in the car park of the local police station
- Changeover somewhere with security cameras
- If the children are old enough, stay in your cars and let the children swap vehicles
Tip 9: Remember above all else, to keep your emotions in check. If you feel baited; walk away, hang up; whatever. Don’t be the one to bait or look for that argument, either. Instead of making it as difficult as possible for the other parent, make this as easy as possible for your kids.
Tip 10: Every decision you both make should be about your children. If your ex doesn’t get that, no amount of arguing is going to change it. Be polite, do what’s right and ignore their bad behavior. If they are looking for a bite and you don’t give it to them, they will eventually stop and get on board with doing what’s right for the sake of the kids.
If they don’t change, understand that you can’t alter their behavior. (This may be why you separated?!) Don’t argue about it. The kids will see what’s happening and everything will take care of itself as they get older. They will know that you have tried your best and put them first above all else.
Image via ogamagazine.com
When my kids were young, taking them to the Christmas pageants was a tradition. It was a great family day out but it was pretty stressful. It wasn’t too bad when they were bubs in nappies but, when they reached preschool and primary ages, it got a bit tricky – particularly when I planned to do it solo.
So, if you don’t want the kids to miss out and want to take them along to a Christmas pageant or two, I have some great tips to reduce the stress, keep the kids entertained, food and drinks to pack, sun smart info and a heap of other things you may not have anticipated.
It’s all in the preparation
1. Go on-line and checkout the route. Get a satellite view so you can check out things like shade, shelter, toilets, parking, public transport and access. The best spots will get filled early, so plan for a very early morning, followed by a long tiring day! Work out if you are catching public transport or taking the car and plan accordingly.
2. Plan what to pack, well before the day. Pack it in a way that will be easy to take with you and do it the day before. Leaving it all to the last minute will be too hectic. The only thing you should need to organize in the morning is the kids and yourself. Have the food and drink packed up and in the fridge and freezer, ready to go. This will include:
- Food (see below)
- Drink (see below)
- Sunblock 30+
- Panadol/Nurophen (child and adult)
- Hats and sun-smart clothing
- Spare pants/T-shirt for the kids
- Blanket to sit on
- Small pillow or two for the kids to have a rest on
- A full packet of giant chalk to entertain the kids
- An electronic game or other activity
- Fold-up chair for you
- Mobile phone
- If you have a baby with you add the stroller or pusher, nappy bag, bottles and plenty of water
3. Now you’ve got everything covered, let’s look at what sort of food to take. Lots of parents grab high sugar or fat foods and wonder why they are having a hard time keeping the kids entertained for hours, while they are waiting for the floats to arrive. Avoid this sort of food and opt for cut up fruit, veggies, cheese, small goods, sandwiches or finger food which will take time to prep but save you hours of stress later.
4. We all know the best drink is water. Freeze a few bottles and they will keep the food cold and save you lugging extra cooling products. Take some extra water while it defrosts. If you are going to take juice, dilute it, freeze it and give it to the kids like an ice-block. If it’s going to be a warm day, it will cool them and keep them calm.
5. Now we’ve got all that covered, let’s discuss safety. Even the most attentive parent can have the potential to misplace a child, when there are thousands of them there and distractions galore. I used to dress the kids in really bright coloured clothes.
It’s also advised that you get a semi-permanent pen and write your phone number on your child’s arm. Take a photo of them prior to leaving with your mobile, so you have it with you. This will remind you of what they are wearing should they get lost. Discuss stranger danger in the car or on public transport along the way. Kids need a bit of reminding when they are excited. Also remind them that if they can’t see you, you won’t be able to see them, so stay close.
6. When you arrive at the location before you set up, locate a meeting place if someone gets lost. If you wait until after you set up it maybe too late.
7. After you set up, let the kids just look around for a while before you start to bring out things to entertain them. If you load them up with food and drink continuously, you’ll be lining up at the toilets constantly. If you hand over the entertainment items too soon, they will get bored. The wait will be long so, you may as well use the new surroundings as entertainment, until they start getting restless.
8. Remember to enjoy the day with them. Don’t make it a stressful event. If you are planning to go solo, have a plan of attack should the kids need to go to the toilet. If you have more than one child, make sure you all go together and just make sure you take the most important things, like your purse, phone and any computer game with you and leave the rest. Far better to lose possessions than your babies!
9. Take lots of photos of the kids reactions and if possible some video footage. This will keep them entertained on the way home, especially if you are catching public transport.
10. Pre-organize some quiet activities for when you get back home. They may fall asleep along the journey and wake up with that second wind, right when you reach the front door and you are in desperate need of a cupa and time out to put your feet up.
Hopefully, I given you some new ideas and confirmed some of yours. Christmas pageants are all about the kids, Santa and having fun; not giving parents a nervous break-down. Remember to relax when you can, stay vigilant about their safety and enjoy their childhood.
Image via resources1.news.com.au/images/2009/11/07/1225795/282641-christmas-pageants-past-and-present.jpg
Being on time is a helpful habit to have. In future it can help your kids start both their work and personal relationships on the right foot. Right now it can save you lots of stress. I don’t know about you, but nothing tests my parenting calm as much as running late and trying to get my kids to hurry up. Of course, when kids are very young it’s up to us to make sure they’re ready by a certain time, but we can start teaching them habits and skills early on that will make it easier for them (and for us!) later.
Get organised in advance
Do you always leave everything until the last moment and then spend precious minutes looking for your keys, phone and your kids’ shoes? That’s my default way of being. I’d still happily do exactly that if now I didn’t have triple the amount of stuff to prepare for any outing and if I didn’t have three pairs of little eyes watching me and learning. It pays to put some effort in to get everything ready beforehand and encourage your kids to help you. Before you know it, they’ll be doing it all by themselves.
Give your kids some responsibility
Kids love acting grown up and independent. Even if your children can’t tell the time yet, you can explain that when the handle reaches a certain position, they’ll need to finish their breakfast or start getting dressed. Then ask them to watch the clock for you and tell you when it’s time. In case they forget (which they will), gently prompt them, but without completely taking over the task, for example, “I wonder when it’ll be time to put our shoes on…” Older kids can try figuring out how long it takes them to do each task and what time they’d need to wake up to make sure they’re ready.
Engage your kids’ imagination
When you talk about why being on time is important, don’t turn it into a monologue. Before you offer answers, invite your kids to imagine what they’d be missing out on if they were late for school, to a party or a play date. Their imaginations will paint vivid pictures for them and they’ll want to get there quickly.
Teaching kids about time can be challenging, but it doesn’t have to be an arduous task. Be lighthearted about it and turn it into a game, and all of you can have lots of fun with it.
Image by WallaceChan via pixabay.com
You’ve had an incredibly long day, you’re tired and cranky and now you and your toddler are having a mini face-off at the supermarket checkout. “Mummy, I want it!? Muuummmmmy!” your little person wails at the top of her lungs, as if possessed by some demon, all the while madly gesturing at a giant chocolate bar, which is oh-so-handily placed at her eye-level in the trolley. Elderly shoppers purse their lips and “tut-tut” at you while your little, angry banshee continues her toddler tantrum unabated. You dig deep, trying your best not to give in to your toddler’s unruly demands, so as to silence her, but your resistance is wearing thin. How do you best handle these toddler tantrums of epic proportion? And how do you say no without feeling guilty?
Leading Brisbane psychologist Judith Reynolds says it’s vital to set boundaries with your toddlers and then stick to your guns. “As the child develops cognitively (along with physical development) a sense of ‘self’ emerges at around 18 months and the child begins to assert that ‘self’,” Ms Reynolds says. “At this point, the interactions between mother and child become more complex.
“For a start, the child at this age is mobile, but it has no ‘cognitive brakes’! In other words, it doesn’t understand that in a social context we all have limitations on how far we can express our wants and needs before they begin to infringe on other’s wants and needs. Mum says ‘no’! In fact, mum has to say ‘no’ often, sometimes just to keep the child safe.
“Two year olds can be quite compelling in their efforts to get what they want, when they want it. Learning to delay gratification is a cognitive stage that doesn’t kick in, in any meaningful way until about three years or so.
“It’s easier in the heat of the moment to give in, but giving in, in response to the child upping the ante, is the beginning of the end for mum! The child reigns and mum becomes more and more frazzled as she tries to placate a child with not enough cognitive power to know what’s good for it!”
That’s all good and well, but how do we mums then deal with an attack of crippling mother guilt? Especially when you feel you’ve failed at being the “perfect” nurturing mother? “Just because a child is upset it doesn’t necessarily mean the mum is culpable,” Ms Reynolds says. “It’s mum’s job to determine what’s in the child’s best interests – she has the fully developed brain after all! Feeling guilty is overrated when there has been no malicious intent to harm another and it often undermines ‘good enough’ parenting.
“Don’t waste time feeling guilty! Just because your child doesn’t like the limitations you’ve set that doesn’t mean your parenting is suss. Every parent loses it at some point – what’s important is that you care enough to question your own parenting and clean up the mess you made if you lose it. That is, to say sorry and model bringing yourself back to a more balanced state of mind.”
So, next time we’re faced with a giant toddler tantrum, let’s try to remember it’s a consequence of we responsible mothers setting appropriate boundaries for our children – and reward ourselves with the forbidden chocolate bar instead!
By Nicole Carrington-Sima
As Year 12’s begin the countdown to their end of year celebrations, schoolies travel expert Jot Lynas says now is the time for parents to take an active role in their teen’s holiday planning and preparation to ensure they have a safe and fun experience.
As CEO of Unleashed Travel, which offers chaperoned experiences at a designated ‘schoolies only’ destinations, Jot has extensive experience in ensuring students maximise fun during schoolies and minimise the potential dangers. “With some simple preventive measures, parents can ensure their teen’s trip is as enjoyable as it safe, and at the same time ease their own worries. I always encourage open dialogue between parents and teens as the very first place to begin,” he says.
With nearly 10,000 schoolies trips organised by Unleashed Travel, Jot shares his expertise to help both parents and school leavers make the most of the experience.
Tips for parents
1. Do your research: Google everything possible about the resort and travel provider that your teen has booked with. If you see any red flags, chat to your child about these concerns as a priority. Don’t forget to give a solution to any issue you raise as this is what you child will need to call upon if the time arises.
2. Confirm your trust: While you may have your doubts, confirming to your teen that you know they’re responsible and that you have high expectations of them will encourage them to try and keep this trust. Speaking openly and warmly will allow you to reach this place, rather than nagging, or enforcing your rules and expectations.
3. Talk to other parents: Remember that your teen is travelling with a group of friends, that means there are other parents in the same boat. Make the time to chat to these parents, find out if they’re on the same page as you and if they’ve also prepared their child. By all parents giving the same safety message you’re increasing the chances of the group listening.
4. Plan activities for you: The last thing you should be doing is sitting around wondering what your child is up to – it will drive you insane. Schedule a catch up with friends, plan to see a movie, or get out do something that you love. Either way make the most of your new-found free time!
5. Schedule updates: This is the chance for your teen to be independent so hounding them with phone calls every day won’t be received well. Communication doesn’t have to be via phone call – a text when they arrive followed by one scheduled quick chat midweek is enough. If you don’t hear from them on at the nominated time, then its ok to call and check all is ok.
Tips for school leavers
1. Make copies of everything: Getting caught up in having fun can make you careless with your belongings. Make copies of your passport, insurance policy, travel documents and credit card numbers and store a copy electronically e.g. in your email account, plus leave a copy with your parents. If something goes wrong, this ten minute step with save you significant time and possibly money.
2. Don’t leave anything out: Be honest and upfront with your parents about where you’re staying, who you’re going with and what you’ll be doing when you get there. The more information you can provide the more trust they’ll have in you.
3. Heading overseas? Know the rules: Some rules that don’t apply in Australia might be enforced in other countries, so make sure you are clued up on the law. What may seem like a minor issue to you may result in a huge penalty or even jail overseas, so don’t take any risks.
4. Ask about any payment ‘add-ons’ upfront: If your resort advises there are additional costs ask for them to be stipulated upfront. Also beware of in room services, these can really add up at the end of the holiday. If you’re planning specific activities, source costs before you go and ensure these funds are set aside from your spending money.
5. Assess everything for risks: Be smart. If you’re venturing into unknown territory, take a minute to assess if it feels right. If there’s any doubt in your mind, don’t risk going ahead. Voice your opinions with your friends too. And always tell at least one person where you’re going and when you plan to be back. Remember when travelling, you not only have to look out for yourself but also each other!
Are your kids going to schoolies? Share your experiences in the comments!
Things to do: Heat leftovers, pester, kick washing machine, serve leftovers, lecture kids about gratitude and starving children, bath kids, shout at kids, take deep breaths, find peas in teapot, shout again, cry, group hug, re-light fire, bribe kids to bed, threaten kids with tech ban, watch trash TV and surf web, buy bodycon dress online, kick self, do 50 squats, resolve to be happy-fun-cool mum, go to sleep.
But in the morning someone’s wee’d all over the loo seat, there’s no milk and all resolve is dissolved. Happy-fun-cool doesn’t get a look in when cross-naggy-daggy gazes back at you from the mirror.
Motherhood does make me cross. Shouty cross. I love my little ferals to distraction and I think they are relatively good kids, but they do irritate the bejesus out of me. I know, children are supposed to be noisy and messy and smelly and intrusive; but their sapling status makes these traits only slightly less annoying.
But what aggravates me even more is the large pile of expectation that sits on the shoulders of mothers next to the large pile of washing; expectation of what we are supposed to be doing with said irritating ferals.
“Milly just loves the minted quinoa salad I put in her lunch box, oh and she’s doing so well at violin – three’s never too young. Did I tell you Finley’s already recognising flash cards?” Says some Smarmy Marmy at the park. I want to rush home, book a tutor, a piano teacher and a footy coach and wallpaper the house in words from the magic 200.
So it seems that motherhood makes me cross and insecure. I question pretty much everything I do in relation to my children. Should I try controlled crying? Should I keep breastfeeding? Should I be showing them the dead budgie and a doco about famine? Should I let them go or should I watch them? Should I structure them or let them find their own fun? Should I call a penis a penis or a doodle? Should I stop shoulding all over everyone?
And then there’s all the literature, self-help stuff, research and articles that plops more questions into mum’s worry pot. Oh look, here’s one telling me that drinking alcohol whilst pregnant causes learning deficits. And if your baby doesn’t crawl she will be crap at maths. Teach them about privacy and money and jazz and ovaries and the evils of sugar and the joys of nature. Give them space, give them boundaries, give them opportunities but don’t push them, be patient, be honest but don’t tell them you tried pot, be organised but don’t rush, plan ahead but stay in the moment, take time for yourself.
Wait a minute, how do I stay in the moment if I’m busy being organised and getting the kids off to jazz class and on nature rambles and reading to them and teaching them about compost and worms whilst getting worms and nits out of them?
Help! I haven’t even got to sleep or washing or cooking or having a social life or a good credit rating or a bit of a hobby. Or a bit of nookie.
Here’s my theory: I would be less cross and insecure if we just go back to that oldie-goodie bit of advice: Everything in Moderation.
Everything, including bed bugs and Cheezels. Some days are good mum days where patience and reading and crazy trampoline jumping are things we can do. Other days we are all hurry up, go watch telly and what, jump? but you ruined my pelvic floor and I’ll wee my knickers.
Because if I’m honest (because it’s the best policy according to me when I lecture the children) I can’t be the good mum who makes chores fun and plays charades to stimulate imaginations all of the time. Not even a lot of the time. I know those amazing mums are out there and hats off to them but I’m not one of them. Maybe we all need to fess up and feel ok about our moderate (dodgy) parenting practices.
Here you go, I’ll start – I have been known to rely on telly and I do let them watch Horrible Histories because it has history in the title. I do shove them out the door with a packet of Chupa Chups so I can sweep the floor and check Facebook. I will do a small rain dance the night before an early soccer game and I can’t stand craft with children who can’t make tasteful collage choices. Oh and I rejoice in nutritionally negative two minute noodles.
Mistakes should be made in moderation too. Mistakes make for memorable lessons; they make things interesting and characterful and real.
In fact the only things that shouldn’t be moderated are love and laughter. I know, vomity gestures all ‘round but it’s true. As long as they’re loved and they know so, we should be able to get away with a bit of dodgmongery in the mothering stakes. And every single person benefits from a good dose of daily silly.
So, things to do: hug kids, tell them I think they’re lovely, kick washing machine, shout, kiss banged knee, boil pot for noodles, trip over dog, swear, impersonate an orang-utan, laugh, laugh again…
What is your favourite piece of parenting advice? Tell us in the comments!