Neil Gorsuch has a bad track record when it comes to women’s rights.
It’s your most powerful asset.
…besides ‘What the hell were you thinking?!’.
JoJo’s lucky she got out when she did.
“I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” – Sam Wood to Snezana Markoski.
And the shock The Bachelor Australia 2015 winner is: Snezana. And thank God for that – after the previous horror of seeing this year’s Bachelor, Melbourne personal trainer/entrepreneur Sam Wood, 25, let crowd favourite Heather go – he has far surpassed my expectations of him by choosing classy, gorgeous and genuinely lovely Perth single mum Snezana Markoski, 34, for the win.
At the final emotional rose ceremony, Sam – aka Woody, as I like to call him – tells Snezana he’s madly in love with her and praises her inner strength, warmth and beauty and for making him a better man. He also reassures her he’ll also love and cherish her nine-year-old daughter Eve – thereby making me, and no doubt the rest of Australia, finally fall a little bit in love with Woody ourselves.
“You are the first girl that I met and you are the last, because I’ve fallen in love with you,” he tells a stunned, and stunning, Snezana, who’s been a early favourite of Woody’s – and mine – from the beginning.
Beautiful, inside and out – Snezana’s impressive composure, maturity and womanliness put so many of the much younger, silly, game-playing, fame-chasing girls in the lady prison, sorry mansion, to shame. From the start, Snez really seemed to be in it for the “right reasons” – to find love – and her style and sophistication was a joy to watch. And there’s no denying the firecracker chemistry and spark she’s shared with Woody from the get-go.
After Woody sent Sarah, 26, home in the second-last episode, runner-up for Sam’s heart, Lana, 27, while also an impressive and accomplished human – give the girl’s gorgeous side-hair a Gold Logie! – bizarrely didn’t seem all that upset that she wasn’t the last one standing at the end.
Was she perhaps – like many of the other girls – purely more interested in winning than in actually forming a life-long partnership with Woody? Didn’t she grasp how serious – and refreshingly so – Woody was in getting married and having kids pronto?
I’ve got to say – this The Bachelor Australia 2015 series was everything I wanted and more. Woody has WAY more heart and grit than I thought, as evidenced by him choosing Snezana and Eve. Blended families are very common these days, but Woody could have taken the “easier” way out by opting for a much younger woman with far less baggage. So, huge congrats to Woody for shocking and surprising the nation with his depth of character and ability to cut through all the bullshit to follow his heart and choose the lovely sophisticated Macedonian beauty.
I mean, remember the horror of last season’s fake Blake Garvey and his brutal dumping of Sam Frost – this after he proposed to her on live TV?! It’ll be cool to watch Frost get her groove back as The Bachelorette Australia, which airs next Wednesday, to soothe the giant gaping hole left in our TV viewing now that The Bachelor Australia has come to a close.
And while Woody didn’t get down on bended knee and propose to Snez, he did present her with a cute locket gift for Eve and a $22,000 custom-made diamond encrusted promise ring, which he designed with the help of luxury jeweller Zamels (cue sponsor spotlight here).
This series end was oddly – and pleasingly – heartfelt and emotional. You couldn’t help but cheer for Woody as she chose Snez – especially after meeting his lovely family, including his delightful Poppa Sam, who declared of Snez and Lana: ”They’re both lovely kids”.
And now, after finally revealing his true heart and manliness, I’ve not only got a wee crush on Woody, but on host Osher Günsberg too, whose lovely manner with the women and the Bachelor makes me wish we could fix him up with the love of his life too.
One final thing: let’s hope Woody didn’t let Snez watch that footage of him in a hot pool make-out session with Lana, from the second-last episode. That’d be enough to give champion side-eye giver Snez a serious hernia.
From 21 women down to just one: well played, Woody – well played. Snez is a hell of a catch – let’s hope their fairytale continues.
NB: By all accounts, the cute couple are still together and Sam has said he is “totally in love” with his chosen one. Ah, true love – isn’t it the best?
What do you think? Did Sam pick the right woman?
Images via news.com.au and au.news.yahoo.com
And then there were three: I am clearly far too invested in this show because I don’t know about you, but I am struggling to come to terms with last night’s shock development on The Bachelor Australia which saw early front-runner Heather, 29, get booted off the show in Ep14. I am agog. I am aghast. Not Heather?! Nooo.
Who the hell saw that coming?! Not me – I’d fallen so madly in love with hipster cool-girl Heather myself that my she-crush made me blind to Bachelor Sam Wood’s repeated, ominous references to her being stuck in the dreaded “friendship zone”. Dammit!
Woody sent a devastated Heather home after emotional home-town family visits with each of the four remaining women’s families. Heather came first, then Lana, 27, Sarah, 26, and finally Snezana, 34.
WTF Woody? Heather is PERFECT!? Who can forget their supremely sweet superhero date together which spurned the Batch-Man and H-Bomb characters? Oh the heartbreak! Oh the burn. And this – after Heather’s stand-in father figure, salt-of-the-earth Warwick turned full Gestapo/investigative journalist and grilled Woody’s pants off to the point that if poor Bachie did any more nervous hair-stroking, his beautiful hair croissant may have actually been torn out. Turns out, Woody didn’t want to pants our girl Heather as much as the others. Fuck (except not literally), pardon the pun.
Lana the gorgeous and accomplished “intruder” was next up on the home-town visits and what a whirlwind romance she’s enjoyed with Woody. “Lana was a beautiful unexpected surprise,” announced Woody. Hmmph. Woody is then subjected to another intense interrogation by Lana’s fierce mum who advises her to use her heart, as well as her head. Well said, Lana’s mum. I do think Lana is more of an actual catch than Woody myself.
Sarah’s next – and I respect her emotional honesty and courage in nailing Woody’s breeder tendencies. “Do I have to breed straight away, Woody, because I’m only 26 and I’m not quite ready,” says she, or whiny words to that effect. In another startling revelation, Heather’s lookalike mum manages to get out of Woody that his spirit animal is a labrador. You stupid, stupid labrador – what have you done!?
Finally, Woody visits the Perth home of luminous Macedonian beauty Snezana and finally meets her equally gorgeous nine-year-old daughter Eve – and another 25,456 family members – in the process. Aside from showing more cleavage than Snez on this date in a bizarre, low-cut T-shirt, Woody does manage to seemingly hold his own well with the wee lass and entire family, so power to him. I didn’t think he had the grit to take on a nine-year-old girl in an instant family situation – I was clearly wrong on this count too. Is there more to Woody than it seems?
In all honesty though, seeing a nine-year-old girl subjected to the horror and potential heartbreak of a reality TV dating show made me feel a bit sick – this is WAY too much for such a wee, awesome little lass to have to face, in my opinion. She’s endured having an absent mother for eight weeks and now she has to be subjected to a camera crew and being rejected by a man she’s just met? She doesn’t deserve that. For her sake at the very least, I hope Woody picks Snezana at the end – she’s my new favourite for the win, mostly because Eve is so utterly adorable. Go you good thing, feisty Macedonians!
In other news, in a move that surprised absolutely no one, except of course poor, ol’ clueless Nina herself (pictured below), she got the big, ol’ boot in the previous night’s Ep13. Is host Osher Günsberg looking more and more handsome each episode? But I digress… Sam, who was clearly not into Nina at all, announced to camera he was worried they were like chalk and cheese. And – inspiring female hatred for him around Australia, he uttered these immortal words: that he’s “never had an opinionated girlfriend before,” in reference to Nina. Say what?! Did the poor, dumb Labrador get his words mixed up? Doesn’t he mean unclassy? Or aggressive?
Now, forgive me while I go and pour myself another glass of wine and lie down in the foetal position. Poor, poor Heather. What THE ACTUAL FUCK, Woody!? Hang on, can we fix her up with the lovely Osher? Does anyone know if he’s single?! Heather was so lovely, kind and quirky that – given her clearly very dire family situation (where was her mum?) – I’d quite like to adopt her myself. Sigh…
Stay tuned for yet more The Bachelor hilarity, heartbreak and humiliation galore as it goes down the wire with the final three remaining women.
What do you think? Were you Team Heather too?
Images via dailymail.co.uk, news.com.au, womansday.com.au, dailytelegraph.com.au
Few moments in life are as painfully awkward as the horror realisation that the person you’re smitten with really, really isn’t that into you, at ALL. And so it is for poor, hapless The Bachelor Australia “intruder” – food blogger Rachel, 29, who – aside from seemingly having an actual, bizarre aversion to food – woefully misinterpreted her fleeting moments with our Bachie Sam Wood, aka Woody, as being positive.
Of course, Rachel’s days were numbered in the previous episode 11, when she failed to show any maternal side at all when each of the six remaining contestants were charged with directing a bunch of actual, real live children – “eww!” – in a sporting obstacle course. C’mon ladies, wise up – any fool can see kid-mad Woody’s looking for an instant breeder?!
Bizarrely, this episode was also characterised by Woody’s apparent meltdown, whereby shit got too real for the manly hair helmet and he flat out refused to send any of the final six women in his harem home in that night’s rose ceremony. After counselling a sweaty, upset Woody, has handsome host Osher actually clocked up enough clinical hours to quality as a practicing psychologist?
In this latest episode, Rachel’s bags were clearly already packed and sitting outside the mansion of misery, with her limo on stand-by, going in to this latest rose ceremony, when Woody finally sent her home. Seriously, what took him so long? Every time he interacted with Rachel he resembled a man who’d swallowed a fly. Or was the producers’ delight in seeing Rachel offend every other woman in the lady-prison too much and what ultimately saved her from eviction the previous night?
And, here’s the thing – we’re down to the final five women now before “home-town dates” and I feel like the series has started to lag. Sure, new “intruder” the very hot and accomplished Lana, 27,(pictured) has clearly turned Woody’s head, but is there any doubt he’s going down to the wire with hot favourites FTW: Heather, 29, Snezana, 34, and Sarah, 26? I could be wrong, but I reckon Nina’s next to get the big boot – there’s a reason she’s only had one date with Woody thus far.
And, aside from the usual ridiculous amount of camera time devoted to Nina’s weird tongue action when she’s fired up and her general, eye-rolling rage, much else of note happened this Ep12. Er, aside from a gratuitous nudity grab where the women’s sexual frustration was further heightened by Woody stripping down to unbuttoned pants at an art gallery group date – hello group assignment hell! Dude does have a good torso and oddly alluring nipples, I’ll give him that.
In other news, WTF is with Heather’s bizarro grandma outfit which keeps flashing onscreen? Did the women also have to play fancy dress as their fave nanna? Our hipster dudess is wearing a furry cardi mess, pearls and ugly hat – where was the Network Ten stylist here? Did she make like Emily, and also do a runner?!
I’m also loving with some ridiculous degree of schadenfreude, the “original” four remaining women’s extreme discomfort at having to share Woody with newcomer Lana. It’s like: “How dare you come in late and think you can date our group boyfriend, bitch?!” And it’s not just the mansion of misery’s new resident bad gal, Nina, (pictured) who feels this way. The gorgeous Snezana has been giving Lana such seriously good side-eye game, that side-eye queen, Italian movie goddess Sophia Loren would be proud.
Ooh and cue much hilarity at watching the lovely luminous Sarah, now the series’ youngest contestant, fawn over Sam’s alleged romantic overtures in setting up a make-out couch overlooking Sydney Harbour and presenting her with alleged diamond earrings he picked out for her. “I can’t believe you did this?!” Um – well – he didn’t, on both counts. Well played, dastardly Bachelor producers. Oh and her cute, OTT declarations that a performance by an Opera Australia soloist “was the most incredible thing I’ve ever experienced” and “she made me feel things I’ve never felt before” left me wondering if she’s more in love with the Bachelor lavish date porn experience, than the actual Bachie Wood.
So, to wrap up, some answered questions: Can Woody actually handle – gasp – harem favourite Snezana having a nine-year-old daughter? When is someone going fix nice Osher up on a date? And can sourpuss Nina cause any more havoc and hate in the house before she too is sent packing? And, above all: when will Heather finally just take home the prize – Woody and his oddly hairless golden torso (pictured) – once and for all?! Stay tuned for more The Bachelor hilarity and humiliation galore…
Images via couriermail.com.au, vavnews.com, news.com.au
It’s business time on The Bachelor Australia as the mansion of misery has now been reduced to just seven prisoners, sorry, women. Oh, the drama!
The remaining ladies will no doubt be in deep mourning following the “shock” departure of Rachel, 28, a somewhat dour blonde lass, who seemingly never had a conversation with our Bachie Sam Wood, aka Woody, let alone an actual single date with the man. Indeed, I noted with much amusement that some on Twitter were referring to her as gorgeous blonde frontrunner Sarah’s “spare”.
So, to recap – Ep8 opens with this overtly morose declaration, from one of the mansion of misery’s more depressive contestants, following Jacinda’s “shock” departure: “We’re always so flat after we lose someone.” Jesus, it’s The Bachelor, not Vietnam!?
The ladies, aside from Ebru and Emily, the latter who already has a rose, then quickly don helmets and racing suits for a group date whereby they get to take out their sexual frustration on each other in the guise of go-carts. It quickly descends into a farcical Nina Vs Emily face-off, which has more to do with two women each trying to beat and humiliate each other and far less about actually winning poor Woody’s heart (and, erm wood). Poor Woody. It’s his turn to feel degraded.
And once again, Woody shows he’s got some brains in that bouffant. And just a quick segue, while we’re on the topic of hair, has anyone else noticed how Osher and his hair helmet are starting to eerily resemble Ray Martin?!
Woody seems none too impressed by Emily’s bitchiness in showing up Nina to emerge victorious in the go-cart challenge. He actually – gasp – seems quite intuitive and cluey.
Snezana, 34, the lovely, luminous European lass, then gets a second one-on-one date with Woody, much to the other women’s consternation (main picture). Woody channels Miami Vice in a beige jacket and tight pants arriving aboard a vintage speedboat, in which he squires Snez away to a super-romantic Little Italy themed picnic spread. Snezana is cute in her naïveté that Woody actually arranged it all. Bless.
Meanwhile, back in the house, Nina (pictured) distinguishes herself by breaking the girl-code to rat out on the lovely Snez, who had grudgingly confided in both her and Beck that she did in fact share a passionate pash with Woody in the previous episode’s group date “hoedown” at the Australiana Pioneer Village (more on that later). The other girls react with mirth and goodwill mostly, aside from Emily who takes this opportunity to trash-talk Nina behind her back, while she tries her best to save face and explain why she threw Snez under the bus.
Snez and Woody share some hot chemisty on their date, but is she in his head as well as his, erm, wood ala Heather? I think not. There’s more pashing and a weird pink dessert in the shape of a Star Wars Death Star which Woody has “arranged” to honour his hot date’s love of the science-fiction franchise. Erm, cute – I think. Is Snez Heather’s Death Star undoing? I think not.
Back to the mansion of misery and hormonal hell, where Nina confesses to Snez, to get it off her sizable chest, that she ratted out on her. In addition, Rachel finally gets sent home having not said or done anything of worth the entire series this far. Did the camera crew fall asleep every time she spoke?
Ep7’s aforementioned group date “hoedown” – that word has never carried so much poignancy and weight – saw young Jasmin evicted after she refused to pretend to get maternal about sheep. Woody wants to breed soon, y’all!
Also, Emily and Woody went on a hot beach date whereby she showed off her perfect bikini body and he showed off his perfect, giant torso and they both woodenly and robotically discussed their respective angst at not being married with kids, yawn. He then presented her with precious gems in the form of a treasure hunt bracelet to buy her favours. Cue to Emily’s happiest moment in the house thus far (pictured) – receiving jewellery – which says it all about her, really. She sure as hell ain’t there for our Woody, I’d wager. Oh and did I mention the other poor contestants had to endure huniliation galore in the form of apple bobbing and sheep herding at the hoedown?! The things you do for love (or 15 minutes of fame).
I remain, as ever, #teamheather as it seems to me no one else stands a chance. Woody is smitten with our hipster chick Heather to the point their “relationship” seems strong, despite his ongoing, strong sexual attractions and make-out sessions with a harem of other women in the house. OK, six others now. Heather, FTW!
Images via www.dailymail.co.uk; tenplay.com.au
Are you a fan of The Bachelor Australia? Chances are, if so, you will have recently guffawed aplenty and enjoyed endless schadenfreude along with the rest of Australia at arguably the most awkward, one-on-one TV date EVER.
I’m talking about episode three – when Sam Wood, aka Woody, as I like to call him, squired a young, hapless lass called Madeleine (pictured below, at right) out in a rowboat for a picnic. It quickly descended into date hell thanks to a series of long, awkward silences and inclement weather, which saw Mads become the poster girl on what not to do on a first date. Poor Woody could barely stop his eyes from rolling back into his head while she spent the entire time obsessing about her hair/teeth/appearance and then flat-out refused to eat in front of him and/or drink red wine.
Inevitably, Woody had little choice, but to send poor, anally-retentive Madeleine home at his earliest opportunity and it got me thinking: has this episode perfectly encapsulated the world’s worst first-date behaviour? Dating ain’t easy to be fair, let alone in front of a camera crew on a national TV show. And in real life, dating can be both downright scary and ridiculous; it’s a challenge to be yourself when you’re nervous and out to impress.
I know – I’ve been there – after one long-term relationship after another, I dated a lot in my late 20s-early 30s. At times, it was excruciatingly hard: I felt like an extra straight from Sex and the City going: “Where are all the decent, available men?” And navigating dating etiquette, as I discovered, was no easy task.
Enter Jodie Bache-McLean (pictured), the much-respected and admired director of both June Dally-Watkins (JDW) and Dallys Model Management, who spoke to SHESAID about her top advice on first-date etiquette.
“I think when you accept an invitation from someone, it is only respectful to be polite and gracious. Any other type of behaviour would be completely inappropriate,” Jodie says. “Really, if you do not want to be there, simply do not accept the invitation.
“On a first-date, you must treat others how you would like to be treated – with respect and dignity – even if you know very early into it that this person isn’t for you.”
So, what did we learn from The Bachelor? Here are quick and easy top 5 first-date dos and don’ts with expert advice from Jodie for good measure:
1. Go with the flow: If it all doesn’t go according to plan (what does, in life?) and it instead say, rains on your date, ala Mads’ and Woody’s picnic-from-hell, try your best to be fun and light-hearted and laugh about it. I used to try viewing dating as a game: the less seriously you take it all, the better. A little rain never hurt someone – don’t be so precious and fun you can’t let go. Aim to extend your horizons by meeting new and interesting people.
2. Don’t be a bore: No man or woman wants to go on a date with someone who spends the entire time being insecure, fussing about their appearance and seeking constant reassurance. A confident, easy-going nature is the first-date ideal – remember, no one is perfect, so stop trying to be. And keep the negative self-talk in your head: aim to be positive, confident and interested in your date. Talk less about yourself and ask lots of questions; keep the banter playful and light.
“On that all-important first date,” Jodie adds, “Be careful of over-disclosure. There is no need to ditch the dirt on any previous exes, or ask the person to divulge all the dirt on their previous relationship; this is not a first-date conversation starter.
“Instead, be interesting and be interested. Good conversation is like a game of tennis: when asked a question, you answer like returning the ball, you return the question, and this starts conversation and makes you both feel at ease. One point I do want to add is make sure you allow the person to finish what they are saying. There’s nothing ruder than not allowing someone to finish answering a question; being a great listener is a skill and is admired by many.”
3. Eating is not cheating: Poor Mads hilariously told Woody: “I don’t want to eat in front of you, that’s embarrassing” and refused to – gasp – drink wine: “Yay red, it’ll stain my teeth”. Omg, what the actual f*** – I wanted to throw something at my TV at this point. It’s OKAY to eat in front of a love-interest – in fact, I’d be highly suspicious of anyone who expected otherwise?! And drink the wine too ladies – a glass or two will loosen you up, which is just what poor, old Madeleine really needed.
4. Time to pay up, buddy: Real-life dates which do not involve The Bachelor-like super yachts, rowboats and candle-lit beach dinners at sunset may instead involve the age-old quandary of who should pay for dinner. Oh the humanity! My take is that a woman should always offer to pay half, especially if said date is a total nightmare. You will most likely find most men will be more than happy to turn traditional and foot the entire bill though – beware the undesirables who make a big fuss about it or who ask you to pay the entire bill! That’s not going to end well.
And Jodie concurs, but adds the first-date inviter should almost always pay. “Traditionally, if you are invited to dinner by someone, the expectation is that they pay. However, if you are not comfortable with that, then by all means when you are planning the date, you could say something to the effect: ‘Lets share the bill.’ That way, it is flagged before the dinner begins.
5. Dress to impress: It’s a first date, not a skin flick – you don’t have to reveal all your goodies to him on a first date. I say dress sexily, but appropriately. You don’t want to be like poor, old Bachelor frontrunner Sarah in episode two, who wore a skirt so tiny you could practically see her pink bits throughout her entire date spent looking terrified aboard a super yacht. I like to model what my Year 8 drama teacher used to preach: “Wear a skirt long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to be interesting.” Word! Or, wear whatever you bloody well want, as long as it’s classy and comfortable. I met my husband while out on the town wearing jeans, a cute top and stilettos.
Images via www.ayi.com; www.rabblerousetheworld.com; news.com.au
Does anyone else feel like The Bachelor Australia has morphed into a The Hunger Games-style drama, whereby the reality dating TV show’s producers are striving to devise new, torturous and humiliating ways to kill off, although not quite literally, the contestants?
Ep6 quickly became a battle of the brunettes after Ebru, 31, and Jacinda, 33, and Bec, 28, are thrown into a “groundhog date” ala Groundhog Day to test how the girls “handle things when the chips are down,” to quote Bachie Sam Wood, aka Woody as I like to call him. Cue yet more humiliation galore as the poor lasses are each, in turn, subjected to the date no one wanted, all in order to ascertain who was this season’s most uptight lady, ala #dirtystreetpie Laurina, from Season 2.
What a mean-spirited way to whittle down the numbers? The scantily-clad ladies were all forced to endure a fake limo flat tyre test; a hair-raising and (dampening) jet boat ride on the Sydney Harbour; a flirty, OTT and rude waitress in a restaurant and a disgusting serving of inedible “delicacies” including fried crickets and duck tongue, I think, although my eyes were rolling back into my head and I can’t be sure. Yummy!
After much stoic, admirable and fake excitement at every twist and turn, you’ve got to hand it to the ladies – they each hold up well in the wake of Woody’s perverse pleasure, with him naturally in on the joke at the ladies expense.
And here’s the thing: I can’t work out if Woody is so emotionally retarded that he couldn’t foresee the women’s natural upset at this degrading scenario, or is he just a very, very good liar when it comes to soothing their ills? I mean, what a way to make women feel special, right?
And what the actual fuck: why is charity worker Rachel, 28, who’s barely been on screen the entire time and somehow made it through to the top 10 women seemingly without spending five seconds with Woody, now akin to the show’s narrator? Is she extra hot?
It quickly becomes apparent that Woody can well imagine getting, erm hard over Bec (pictured) and Ebru, despite the latter’s over-zealous baby talk, but he ain’t got no trouser love for poor, old Jacinda, who I both like and really feel for. Sigh.
All the women fall apart to differing degrees – causing widespread drama, drama, drama in the mansion of 1000 tears – when they inevitably realise they’ve been set up when they each return to the house.
Woody then walks into a “lions den”, that is this estrogen-fuelled snake pit. Each woman expresses her dismay while Woody seemingly soothes their ills with compliments like: “But you’re really hot and I’d totally do you” to Bec (OK, not in those exact words).
The beautiful and lovely Jacinda, a rough diamond is there ever was one, wearing a very revealing crop top and skirt, then evicts herself as, heartbroken, she is forced to listen to Bachie lament he feels no chemistry between them.
Is Bachie the most empathetic and emotionally honest Bachelor to date? Hmmm. He says he feels genuine sadness saying goodbye to Jacinda (pictured) and it’s an important reminder as to why he’s on the show: he’s there to find a true friend, but also a genuine love he can totally sex until the cows come home.
Osher glides in and announces to call Jacinda has evicted herself and Woody has aborted the rose ceremony in his apparent grief. And so ten women become nine. “It’s becoming really real,” says Heather, all hormonal rage and deep, deep sadness.
As for Ep5, if you missed it, these were the giddy highs and lows: Emily bitched to camera a lot; Heather looked equally simpering and sad at having finally realised she’s in dating hell; Osher’s shiny hair almost stole the show at various points; and busty wedding planner and yet another brunette, Nina, 28, (pictured below) worked her ta tas and an ugly grey jumpsuit with Woody to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge and break the longest world record onscreen kissing attempt. They achieve it – cue awkward kiss that was less Hollywood heart-melt and more “Omg when will this end!? And gleeful, maybe someone will suffocate?!” They kiss for a record four mins 10 secs and she rewards Woody over dinner with an “almost” nip slip and the knowledge she’s been single for 4.5 years. Whoa!
An infamous gold date card then sends most of the already competitive ladies on a soccer match with a difference, whereby Woody has the time of his life watching the women try to outdo each other dressed in tiny shorts, sporting hilarious, giant bubbles. Mad, bad Sandra, 27, whom let us remind ourselves is a primary school teacher in charge of minors, disgraces herself by being loud and obnoxious and Woody soon sends her packing in the limo of despair. Poor love – I hope she gets some counselling. She looks like a sad clown.
Oh and one more thing: Heather may be a mastermind. She keeps her cards so close to chest, none of the other girls fully grasp the “deep connection” she and Woody seemingly share, although he does single her out for a one-on-one chat, where he jokes he may never be able to let her go. Both express how much they miss each other. Cute. I still have my money on these two to go the distance.
So, with Sandra gone, who will become the mansion of misery’s resident nutter now? And will Heather actually risk slipping into the “friendship zone” if she continues with her weird and stupid penchant for calling Woody “man” and “dude”? Stay tuned for yet more humiliation galore…
Images via smh.com.au; tenplay.com.au
I’m calling it, ladies (and gents): The Bachelor Australia has fast become The Heather and Woody Show – aka our dastardly TV superheroes Batch-Man and H-Bomb – and everyone else just may as well go home.
Yep, for the 13 remaining poor, hapless ladies locked away in the lush mansion of misery at Sydney, our Bachie Sam Wood, aka Woody as I like to call him, is really just going through the motions. Who can possibly compete with the super-cute Batch-Man and H-Bomb scenario? Now, it’s become all about the producers destabilising their considerable erm, “connection” by throwing fireballs into the house of horrors.
Ep4 picked up with Heather finally making her move and asking Woody out on her white-rose “power move date” after the “dude”, as she prefers to call him, all but begged her to play her hand in Ep3.
Quick Ep3 recap while we’re there: Woody sent a silly, self-obsessed and vain lady-child called Madeleine home after the girls voted her for a one-on-one date and she spent the entire time boring our Bachie senseless with endless, tedious, uptight and self-conscious BS about her hair/teeth appearance and weird eating habits whereby she flat-out refused to chill out enough to fuel her body – gasp – in front of Woody. Here’s exactly how not to behave on a date, ladies! And he hated her behaviour so much he sent the beautiful lass home instead of her runner-up Laura, aka Anal Glands. Talk about the worst date EVER!?
I’m actually shocked to find myself quite liking this Bachie for once. He seems a lot more emotionally honest, real and less pretentious than his previous counterparts. I mean, the fact that he was quite gallant, genuine and diplomatic about Madeleine’s departure speaks volumes about his character.
Now, back to Ep4: The girls eat fruit salad and fake sadness for Madeleine’s “shock” departure when Osher’s luxuriant hair walks in and announces Heather is on her white-rose date. The camera cuts to Heather’s major love rival Emily making bitchy comments about them just being friends.
Next up, Heather and Woody head off in a luxury, red sports car to her fave prop hire, event styling company so she can give him an “idea of who I am”. They pretend to do an exercise session so she can test out Woody’s passion for hot and sweaty pursuits Cameras cut back to Heather and Woody jelly wrestling in costumes, as you do. Is there a spark or isn’t there? Does he want to stick his tongue down her throat or NOT?!
Heather, now dressed in a miniature skirt cooks for him and they share deep and important intimacies such as her growing up father-less and her later search for her dad and Woody shares his grief at losing his mum to cancer. I’m not making light of this, because this is a rare and lovely moment of genuine TV realness.
Hold the phone! Despite saying he’s had the “perfect date” Woody boldly confesses over dinner he’s worried they’re falling into the much-dreaded “friendship zone”. “I feel like we’re in danger of just becoming fantastic friends,” he says. Heather’s jaw drops to the floor. “Pash him!” I screamed at the TV. Thankfully, there’s no need, Woody eventually goes in for the big pash after presenting her with a rose. After much pleasing tongue-hockey, he declares there’s “lots more fun dates to come!” Phew!
The cameras cut to the mention where the remaining 15 angry and hormonal girls are stewing in their own juices. Cue yet more Emily bitching to camera. Yawn.
Meanwhile, through all this a gold card has arrived announcing a group date: it’s a beach bikini showdown! Joni aka “falsies” as I like to call her for customary ten inches of make-up, including false eyelashes, in broad daylight suddenly gets lots of camera time so we know she’s doomed. Falsies worries she’s not fun enough for Woody. You think?
Lo and behold Anal Glands, who’s English, gets a chance to talk to Woody again and f***s it up once more by mentioning – yep, you guessed it – anal glands. Is she a frustrated comedian? He’s so sending her home, too.
Meanwhile, Woody subjects the poor women to a mini-beach triathlon. Joni then goes into “freak-out mode” in baby waves and Woody is forced to give her the much-coveted, later one-on-one beach date in sympathy to her madness. He says she’s “incredibly intense and I want to see if she can take it down a level”. Fail – Joni’s just getting started! Woody falls asleep while she bangs on all serious dullness.
Cut to the rose ceremony where Anal Glands is in denial about going home. Woody goes in search of the luminous Snezana (pictured), who eventually – gasp – gets Woody’s first kiss in the house of a thousand tears. Just a bit of Ep3 back-story people – this gorgeous Perth mum is also giving H-Bomb a run for her money as she and Woody appear to share a special bond after a hot-air balloon ride and vineyard picnic. Again, the fact that Woody appears to so far accept Snez has a daughter he didn’t in fact father makes me think he’s not a total scumbag. It’s not a big ask at all in real life, but this is TV la la land.
Lo and behold their tiny kiss goodbye on the lips is a MAJOR drama people as some twit called Jasmin, who has the social skills of a gnat and whom ran away from Woody on the beach when he dared to try to talk to her, throws a giant fireball into the mansion of mayhem by virtually running from room-to-room announcing that Woody has in fact PASHED A GIRL!
Poor Snez. Heather’s all dropped pie expression until Sam rescues her by giving them a moment alone so she can present him with their superhero poster. Sam lights up like Christmas tree and Jasmin again reports back to everyone in the house they “only” exchanged a peck on the cheek.
Osher glides into room all hair and funereal countenance. Two girls are going home! Someone called Nina, who’s never had an actual single or group date gets the first rose. Who the hell is she? Did the producers forget about her until now?
Unfortunately, silly and vacuous Jasmin gets the second rose as Heather thunders. Finally, as predicted, Woody sends Joni, aka “falsies” and Laura, aka Anal Glands, home. Amen.
And my biggest high for the night? Osher himself favouriting one of my tweets. Beat that! Stay tuned for more hijinks, heartbreak and heinous Emily bitching…
Images via www.popsugar.com.au; www.bandt.com.au; thenewdaily.com.au; tenplay.com.au
Ah, another season of The Bachelor Australia: isn’t it the best?! Is this how die-hard sport fans feel at the start of a new season?
I frigging love this show. I can’t get enough of the blood sport that is watching 19 young women willingly cut themselves off from the outside world, then be shut away into a hellish, hormone-laden prison – sorry, a lush mansion – where their every move is caught on camera and they must compete for the affections of one man.
And the man in question? Sam Wood: a Bachelor-worthy himbo who’s displayed all the emotional intelligence of a pot plant thus far, and who has the requisite reality dating TV show’s muscle-bound torso and seemingly one-dimensional character.
However, never fear, ladies – this season three Bachelor does come armed with special gifts: no.1 he’s not a real estate agent and/or stripper aka last season’s most hated man in Australia Blake Garvey (phew) and he does in fact work with children (cue house of horrors inhabitants’ collective, in-sync ovulation); he has a lush head of hair styled in an appalling Ray Martin-esque hair helmet only rivalled by that of The Bachelor Australia host Osher Günsberg’s luxuriant locks; and can we all just take a minute to praise Network Ten here for giving us a bachelor named Sam Wood? What an awesome name for our bachie?! There are endless “wood” puns to be had with his name and so let’s call him “Woody” here, henceforth, for short.
And for the record, I’ve got my money – for the win – on the first girl to croon to him: “Do I make you hard, Woody? Do I? ” Heaven.
If you were unfortunate enough to miss the scintillating, titillating and ground-breaking TV that was The Bachelor Australia episodes one and two last week, I’m going to recap some highlights for you here.
First up, the Bachelor’s shiny, new 19 girlfriends arrived in various states of undress, sorry cocktail dresses, at last Wednesday night’s premiere, oozing sex appeal, plastic fantastic, understandable nerves and some pure batshit-crazy behaviour and verbal diarrhoea gold previously unseen on national TV.
Cue many of them declaring Woody is the most fabulous walking hairpiece, sorry man, they’ve ever met approximately five seconds after meeting him, and excited squeals aplenty about his alleged tall, dark and handsome good looks and much estrogen-fuelled talk of early “connections”. Yawn. Deprive 19 attention-starved women of company with the opposite sex and you could probably present a monkey in a tuxedo and some of them would still declare he was a great catch.
Early frontrunners for Woody’s wood include the very gorgeous Snezana, who he seems enamoured with, but unfortunately may as well go home now because not only can Woody not pronounce her name, he is entirely aghast over the fact she is a mother and has dared to procreate outside of his harem; the very pretty and allegedly “career-driven” events manager Sarah who impressed our Bachelor with her ability to do the “downward dog” and “warrior one” basic yoga poses while dressed in a glorious tight, white evening frock; and the “hectically cool” hipster-dudess and possible Woody favourite Heather (pictured), who tries really hard to be nonchalant about the fact she’s joined the freak-fest that is The Bachelor, complete with constantly calling Woody “dude.”
Conversely, ladies are on the outer edge, who are hopefully due to be sent packing in the limo anytime soon, include vet Laura, aka “Anal Glands,” who launches into the most heinous, unending, nervous monologue about the ghastly mess involved in expressing a dog’s anal glands three seconds after meeting poor, ol Woody; Jacinda, a funny and slightly unhinged lass who seems perpetually on the brink of emotional breakdown; and Sandra, who’s this season’s resident, full-blown passive-aggressive crazy, who – god help our national education system – allegedly also works as a primary school teacher. The vast and infinite horror!?
If my children were anywhere near this chick in real life, I’d seriously call the cops, because she is on a strange and tortured inner-trip, let me tell you! After picking a fight with poor, old confused Reshael, who somehow maintained dignity in the face of a Lord of the Flies-esque house brawl, Sandra then quickly makes enemies with every other contestant on the show by being her bizarre, outlandish, extroverted and deranged self. Has she spent too long with minors and forgotten how to act with maturity and self-respect? Well played, Network Ten producers, well played. Like last season’s resident crazy, Amber, Sandra is actually inevitably due to stick around until the bitter end just so she can cause a multitude of tears, tantrums and dramas in the mansion of misery.
Finally, after a lot of alcoholic beverages and extreme side-eye action, Sarah (pictured) gets an early red rose, Heather gets the early “wild card” white rose first, which gives her the “amazing power” (cue sarcasm font) to ask Woody out on a date, and the entire season three harem is herded for a rose ceremony. At this point, I started to like Woody a tad more after he sends an intense, plastic-fantastic Barbie lookalike called Zilda who “really, really wants kids” home, along with Jessica, whom I can’t recall doing anything of note. Of course, Anal Glands remains, so Woody is either into that shit, literally, or he’s blocked the horror of it all.
Episode two then gets hurriedly underway when Sarah wins the “pleasure” of being Woody’s first one-on-one date, while the other contestants busily set about crafting voodoo dolls in her likeness while watching she and Sam sail away aboard a giant yacht. Sars has, guffaw, unfortunately chosen to wear the world’s tiniest belt, sorry skirt, on her date and so spends most of the date looking genuinely terrified, whether this is due to her deep-seated fear of boating, the wild seas, her straightened hair getting messy and/or her flashing her vagina on national TV, I can’t be sure.
Of course, Woody takes this opportunity to grunt a lot and speak in monosyllables, press his body close to hers, display a total lack of empathy and emotional intelligence by saying Sarah is “loving it” and impress upon his poor, frightened date his extreme love of boating, which probably means he owns a tinnie in real life.
Back to the mansion of misery, where the remaining contestants are then forced to compete for Woody’s attentions and endure some sort of movie-themed group date horror with Woman’s Day, whose editor looks like she wants to stab herself, with this season’s best pursed-lips cat’s bum expression thus far.
And things are now getting far from “hectically cool” for hipster-dudess and Bachelor frontrunner Heather, whose cute description on what it would be like to meet the love of her life in Ep1 is now coming back to haunt her big time as she seemingly finally realises she is trapped in the midst of a TV dating reality show where she has to endure watching hordes of other women making out with Woody. “The horror! The horror!” she seemed to be thinking, all ingénue wide eyes.
And Heather is far from alone on this naiveté: her main rival, the delectable and uppity Laurina-wannabe (see season 2) Emily Simms (pictured) was, quite rightly, a tad peeved at being asked to strip down to her undies, with half her tiny, toned arse hanging out on national TV, for a bizarre Ghost-themed, pottery-wheel nudity grab. And next up, Jacinda loses the plot, causing all cameras to collectively turn to point at her to document her meltdown, with her practically in the foetal position, crumbling under the pressure of being a pawn in the Playboy Mansion-esque showdown.
I want to scream at these girls: “Wake up and smell the roses (which most of you won’t get), ladies! You’ve signed your lives away to a TV network for the country’s sick, voyeuristic pleasure! None of what you’re doing, or being asked to do, is in any way normal!?”
I mean, imagine in life you’re, say, lucky enough to meet one or two or even three soul mates, and then you have to fight for their love alongside a score of other women, all documented on camera?! Who the hell signs up for this thing? And who wouldn’t go a bit mental themselves under these brutal and mind-f***ing conditions, while locked away in a mansion of misery? I actually feel more than a little sympathy for these young twits for putting themselves in such an unwinnable situation. Are they all sadomasochists? It’s humiliation galore – and don’t we TV watchers love it!
Osher and Woody are all sombre hair helmets at the episode two rose ceremony where poor, hapless Reshael is sent home, along with a faceless, blonde girl whom no one can recall speaking called Krystal and a lumberjack named Tessa, who distinguished herself by, yawn, being too cool for school by changing from her cocktail frock into casual gear, all in a wild, desperate bid to get Woody’s attention. Apparently, she didn’t er, fire up Woody’s engine. And yet, Anal Glands and mad, bad teacher Sandra (pictured) still remain. Why are they both still here?! Is he too scared to talk to them again?
So, dear readers, some lingering, unanswered questions going into The Bachelor Australia episode three this Wednesday night: do any of the women, in fact, still have real jobs? Why are they on the world’s worst dating experiment? Who are the blatant star f***ers chasing their 15 minutes of fame? And what is the “epic scandal” Network Ten is promoting the hell out of prior to this episode’s airing? Did someone forget to do their brazilian wax? Eat a sandwich? Not pack 20,000 bikinis?! Stay tuned for yet more humiliation galore…
Images via Ten Play, Daily Mail, News.com.au, The Age
Last night the ultimate social experiment, Married at First Sight, continued into its third episode, again bringing with it awkward moments, cute kisses and lots and lots of drama! Coming back from last week, we were keen to see how our newlyweds were travelling. Were Michelle and James still as cute and loved up as ever? Was Zoe still the ice queen? And how were our first two couples, Lachlan and Clare, and Michael and Roni working out?
After packing up from their honeymoons, this week we saw all four couples moving in together after only six days of knowing each other. Eek! Certainly bound to cause some headaches, clashes and concerns, particularly for the couples whose relationship hasn’t exactly gone swimmingly so far (cough, cough, Alex and Zoe).
Not to worry though, Mum to the rescue. Alex’s Mum arrives at his bachelor pad and gives him some necessary pointers to keep his new bride Zoe at bay before she moves from her inner-city pad out to the suburbs. “You don’t normally keep alcohol in your linen cupboard, Alex? It’s not about you anymore – it’s about you and Zoe as a couple,” she reminds the newlywed. Well, we hate to break your heart Alex, but sometimes our Mum’s really do know best.
Cuties James and Michelle look to be every bit still in the honeymoon phase. Michelle opens the door to James yelling: “Did someone order a husband?!” Great Dad joke James, maybe that’s why you were still single? But seriously, they are just too cute together! James even brought her some jewellery. Ah, young love.
Roni and Michael’s move seems to be a little awkward with sleeping arrangements still under negotiation as Roni opts for a separate bed. Umm, when exactly is the magic going to happen? You are officially lovers, after all. Poor Michael seems to try so hard, only to be met with the wall Roni’s built between them. Tear, tear.
Next up, dinner is served! Zoe doesn’t seem to be too impressed after getting the grand tour and realising her worst nightmare is now her reality. Alex’s half renovated house (and ultimate man cave) does not impress, and when Alex makes his meal in the microwave, we see Zoe looking for the exit. Come on Zoe, stop with those sultry eyes – stop judging and start loving!
Over in Lachlan and Clare’s itty bitty Sydney pad, a lovely dinner between the pair doesn’t last long. The harsh realities of married life have seemingly come about a little sooner than expected! Voices are raised and Clare ends the argument with a big “f*%# you,” leaving Lachlan sleeping on the couch with the dog. Seems reality bites. Hard.
Cut to the next phase of the experiment: shopping together. This is not your average shop down at your local supermarket, however, with the couples heading to IKEA – the mother of all stores and notorious for fighting families. Low and behold the perfect couple, James and Michelle, have their first tiff, while Roni and Michael get solid relationship advice from a heavily tatted IKEA shop assistant. “If you can survive this, you can survive your marriage,” he advises. Yeah, good one mate! His advice seems to come in handy when the couple leave together with a new bed, which Roni FINALLY seems more than happy to jump into!
Tumultuous couple Lachlan and Clare have their second heated fight about a trip to the farm. Afterwards, Lachlan clarifies that his new wife isn’t crazy but just fiery. Ahh, are you kidding? She’s volcanic! Clare, babe – loosen up. After all, Lachlan is just a little old farmer who wants a wife. Not to worry though, his country charm wins her over when he delivers flowers to her work. Treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen?
Meanwhile, poor Alex just can’t catch a break. Zoe is complaining about her new and much longer commute and continually judges her husband’s lifestyle, background and hobbies. Alex seems frustrated and rightly so. If only she saw her hubby the way we do – a mega babe who’s super adorable. Thank goodness for gal pals because Zoe’s bestie seems to set her straight, explaining that she shouldn’t judge a book by its cover and to give her new relationship time. Zoe, if you don’t want him we’ll take him off your hands? Please listen to your wise and intelligent friend!
Roni too seems to enlist the advice of a best friend. Nervous that her second trip down the aisle will end up like her first, she is worried that being herself will hinder her relationship with Michael. Once again the bestie comes to the rescue and tells Roni drop the act and be herself. Will this help their relationship, though? We guess only time will tell.
To wrap up this week’s rollercoaster ride we see Clare and Lachlan take a trip to the farm. After Lachlan gives Clare a tour and shows her the marvellous view, the couple kiss and look to be happier than ever. While it’s super cute, we can’t help but wonder how long it will last this time? Surprisingly, over in Michelle and James’ corner, cracks start to show. And James, well he continues to describe their relationship as “good” and “nice.” Please, please, please start using better adjectives to keep your woman happy and show your appreciation!
As the third episode of the series comes to an end, we see a sneak peek of next weeks and it looks certain to be the best yet. Why? Because all of the couples are going to have dinner with one another! We can already see the laughs, tears and fights. Buckle up and stay tuned!
Images via 9Jumpin, Sydney Morning Herald, News.com.au
Last night, the ultimate social experiment that is Married At First Sight continued into its second episode, introducing to us two new couples and giving us a glimpse of married life for last week’s matches.
In case you’re not familiar with the show – unlikely, with the amount of press it’s been getting – each couple has been scientifically matched by three relationship experts and a touch-screen computer that’s apparently a phycologist. Oh, and did we mention it’s a blind wedding? Yep, no one meets their significant other until they come face-to-face at the altar to say “I do.”
So, now that you’re up to speed, let’s get into it. This week we met Zoe, 25 and Alex, 29. Zoe’s a control freak who believes “women were put on this earth to rule,” while Alex is a career obsessed plumber babe who still gets his mum to do his washing. But damn he’s cute. And sweet. So sweet. So let’s forget that last part, shall we?
The next couple that we met was Michelle, 34 and James, 36. Michelle’s a communications manager who basically defines the girl next door: sweet, grounded and looking for her prince charming and white picket fence. Enter sign writer, James. Searching for “someone with good family values” and who “wants to have kids and settle down,” the poor lad said his grand plan was to be married at 30. So six years ago. He’s “still looking,” however.
On paper this match appears to be made in heaven, and interestingly upon meeting on their wedding day it was. Eyes sparkled, tears nearly fell and James forget his vows. Oh, James. Too mesmerised by his new bride, the 36-year-old admitted he was “speechless” and confessed he was “very happy – she’s gorgeous!” Love at first sight, perhaps? “He just made me feel at ease right away,” gushed Michelle. Mission status thus far: successful.
Unfortunately for Alex and Zoe, sparks didn’t initially fly. Maybe it was all that rain that put them out? “Apparently if it rains on your wedding day it’s a really good omen,” said Alex. Well, if the ceremony was anything to go by, we beg to differ. “Hi, what’s up!?” said Zoe as she approached Alex for the first time. What could possibly be called as the most awkward ceremony EVER, Zoe admitted he was “definitely not what I was expecting.”
Avoiding eye-contact with the 29-year-old stud for seemingly the duration of their vows, Alex started to have doubts – about himself. “I hope it’s not me she’s disappointed with.” No Alex, no it’s not. Why are you single again? Surprisingly, Zoe managed to shake off those wedding jitters and to Alex’s delight (and ours) she actually said I do. “I was scared,” she admitted. Mission status thus far: unconfirmed.
Checking in on phase two – the honeymoon – last week’s newlyweds Lachlan, 36 and Clare, 37 admitted to sealing the deal. “We slept together,” confessed Lachlan before being silenced by his new Mrs. “Shh… Don’t tell them that!” Poor Michael, 31 partnered with Roni, 32, didn’t get so lucky, however. “We decided to go our separate ways last night and have our own room, and wait ’til we got to know each other before we worried about sharing a bed.” Is Michael in the doghouse already!?
Cracks started to show in these two relationships; Clare and Lachlan argued over the navman while driving, while Roni dropped a “date bombshell” on Michael by revealing she had been previously married. Oh the suspense! Michelle and James frolicked in the pool, talked babies and looked every part the newlyweds and interestingly Alex and Zoe finally hit off! “I definitely see some foundation… I feel really comfortable with him, like safe,” she said as they cut to a shot of her planting a kiss on his lips.
Life’s a holiday when you’re on holiday. So next week it’s back to reality when phase 3 begins and the couples move into together. Judging from the preview, shit looks like it’s about to hit the fan. Stay tuned!
Images via Popsugar and Daily Mail
The world is firmly divided when the term ‘reality star’ is considered.
Take someone such as Joey Essex, one of the seemingly endless line of ‘stars’ in the TOWIE line-up. For every viewer who sees him as a loveable if simple rogue who has somehow muddled his way into our homes, there’s another person who regards him as an absolute numbskull who should be banished from our lives forever, or alternatively someone far smarter than his on-screen persona suggests who has cynically peddled an image for financial gain.
The term reality star is a mixed bag of admiration and contempt, and even a definition of the term is up for debate. Some have clawed their way into stardom through talent (Susan Boyle, Paul Potts), others appear to have found the magic elixir that allows them to convince people to vote for them more for their personality than any genuine talent.
For better or worse, the UK public is renowned for taking certain celebrities to their hearts. We love a rags to riches tale of an ‘Ordinary Joe’ being plucked from relative obscurity and catapulted to stardom.
The cult of the celebrity is nothing new, and many of us want to follow in the footsteps of reality stars by hitting the jackpot and experiencing our own overnight success story. It’s the reason hundreds of thousands of us audition for shows like the X-Factor and Britain’s Got Talent, and it’s why so many of us are pulled in by the likes of Mecca Bingo, who offer the possibility of fortunes at a cost of just a few pounds up front.
In making a list of the top earners, we should ask if there is a cut-off point in terms of time. For example, would the average fan consider Joe Pasquale, Lenny Henry or Jim Davidson reality TV stars? Almost certainly not, but the trio are among many who made their names in programs such as Opportunity Knocks – the 20th century version of Britain’s Got Talent. At a push we could even include Donald Trump, Alan Sugar and Ozzy Osbourne as reality stars, and if so they would stroll into the upper echelons of this list. But since their wealth was already in place before the cameras ever started we’ll take reality TV star to mean someone whose career has grown after an appearance, not before.
The term itself is a misnomer, as many of them are a) not stars and b) representations of a lifestyle that is anything but reality. Does anyone seriously consider the life of Kim Kardashian to be realistic? Whatever, the generously-derriered (insert job title here) has amassed a fortune of nearly £40m through her various business interests and media work, and is regarded as the richest reality TV star in a recent list compiled by the Sun on Sunday.
Next up in the rich list is Paris Hilton, who, similarly to Mr Trump, got hold of her money (or her family’s money) in hospitality before the cameras ever gazed upon her petite form. Known for carrying dogs the size of hamsters in her handbag and a love of all things cute, Hilton is worth approximately £35m in her own right, before we delve into the family coffers.
The third name on the list is perhaps the most heart-warming, but is he a reality TV star? Levi Roots was a breath of fresh Caribbean air when he strolled into the Dragons’ Den in 2007 touting his Reggae Reggae Sauce. Since then, his career has blossomed from a tasty little idea into a £30m empire. Some would argue that a 15 minute TV appearance eight years ago, with no hint of a dreadful follow-up stint in Big Brother or X-Factor, does not constitute a reality TV star. Not everything is rosy in the Roots regime according to the Daily Mail, but his bank manager is probably not that bothered.
The remainder of the top 10 list is built of names such as Boyle, Cheryl Fernandez-Versini, One Direction and Leona Lewis. Gareth Gates is still estimated to be worth £6.7m, while hairdresser Shaun Pulfrey’s idea for the Tangle Teezer hair implement was rejected by the entrepreneurs of Dragon’s Den but makes the list at 21 – he told the Guardian that refusing to give up was the key to his success.
But there may be some names missing from across the Atlantic. For example, did you know that NeNe Leakes is apparently paid $1m per season for her appearances in Real Housewives of Atlanta, and that Teresa Giudice makes $650,000 for the New Jersey equivalent? They’re just two of many ‘stars’ who have seemingly fluked their way into a program but pushed their cause to the max, forcing the notoriously fickle world of US TV producing to keep them on.
Another is Terry Fator, who might at least raise eyebrows if he walked down the average British high street with his puppet ‘co-stars’, unlike Leakes and Giudice. Fator’s is another story of rags to incredible riches. In May 2007, the Dallas native performed his ventriloquism show in front of one boy at a country fair. In August that year, he’d won America’s Got Talent. Fast forward seven years, throw in a $100m contract to perform in Las Vegas, a model girlfriend and a spot as the second highest earning comedian in the world and it’s been some journey, as told by Celebrity Net Worth.
We mentioned Trump, Sugar and others whose fame was already established before reality TV burst onto our screens in a big way in the early noughties. But there is one man who was barely known before the start of the 21st century, yet his profile has exploded in the intervening years without ever so much as singing a note.
Simon Cowell is the undisputed king of reality TV. Pop Idol, X Factor, American Idol and Britain’s Got Talent have overshadowed other lamentable efforts, such as Red or Black. And there are plenty of other shows with his influence, such as Food Glorious Food and the recent Bradley Walsh vehicle Keep It In The Family. He’s even got links to the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Worth at least $650m, Cowell is a mainstay of all sides of the reality TV package of creator, consumer and celebrity.
The nature of reality TV is such that some of these names will be gone in a decade. Many will have gone in five years, or even 12 months. Maybe a star from China or India will top the rankings.
By then, TV reality as we know it will have significantly shifted, perhaps online. But you can bet that some people will know how to play the system – and others will be confined to the dustbin of viewing history.
Last night’s The Block Glasshouse finale on the Nine Network was like a bad case of déjà vu for reality TV fans – with extreme giddy highs and lows; it was eerily reminiscent of the clusterfuck that was The Bachelor climax, but just with a different kind of heartbreak for contestants. For this year’s The Block contestants it wasn’t heartbreak ala The Bachelor over having to watch your loved one get pashed/fondled by scores of others (well, 30).
RELATED: The Bachelor’s Achy Blakey Scandal
Instead, it was monetary pain and trauma akin to being kicked in the guts after Tasmania’s “sophisticated hipsters”, Aussie larrikin brothers Simon and Shannon (pictured below) won the series with a huge profit, while three out of the five other couples won just $60,000 between them.
It was arguably the most dramatic auction in the show’s nine-year history – an emotional rollercoaster for us armchair bandits, not to mention the show’s actual contestants.
But first, we had the wedding joy to sit through after Ken and Barbie, sorry Blockheads Max and Karstan, decided to get hitched during the show finale.
I’m not ashamed to say I shed a tear during their touching wedding, all my cynicism over their showbiz wedding dissipated during the audience-pleasing show opener if there ever was one, despite it being conducted by awkward Aussie ocker Scott Cam. How that man won both a Silver and Gold
Logie is beyond me, but that’s a whole other story.
There’s a far more tragic one at hand after the warm fuzzies from the moving nuptials were soon to be replaced with the horror and heartbreak of watching The Block’s gripping and shocking auction.
I must say I was extremely happy to see the show’s resident underdogs Chris and Jenna pull off the seemingly impossible, selling their apartment for $1.81 million, scoring a whopping $310,000 profit as a result – despite seemingly drawing the short straw and going first at auction.
Their triumphant good fortune certainly raises some interesting questions after The Block judges Neale Whitaker, Shaynna Blaze and Darren Palmer continually bagged them each week. Are the judges out of touch with what buyers actually want? Or did going first at auction, not by choice, actually set Chris and Jenna up for success?
Next up, the show’s eventual winners, Simon and Shannon, sold their apartment very quickly for $1.9 million, which saw them pocket an amazing $435,000, including $100,000 for coming in first place in the series.
Unfortunately, it became horribly obvious that the money was starting to dry out by the third auction, after Newlyweds Max and Karstan then won $40,000 for their five months of labour, then poor Dee and Darren and Michael and Carlene took home just $10,000 profit each.
Now, $10,000 might sound substantial initially, but when you take into account the losing couples’ months of hard labour of back-breaking renovation work, it really isn’t much compensation. It wouldn’t even pay for their counselling bills! For there’s the emotional cost of having to leave their loved ones for months on end, including a sick daughter in poor Dee and Darren’s case.
Then there are their real-world expenses, such as mortgages, that they still had to cover. And with no Lotto-like, life-changing windfall for three out of the five couples, there’s now talk of Dee and Darren (pictured) considering legal action against the show after their five-month renovation effort didn’t pay off. Were the couples’ reserves just too damn high?
And I don’t know about you, but I was so gutted for the couples who only took home $10,000 each that it fleetingly crossed my mind to hope that the winning brothers might find it within their hearts to give the others some money? Would you, if you were in their shoes? I like to think that I would – although just like life in this instance, this reality TV show’s competition result arguably wasn’t fair. Instead, Simon and Shannon are reportedly off on a surfing trip in Bali with their winnings.
So, this entire debacle got me thinking: is it actually extremely naive of we, the audience, not to mention reality TV show participants, to actually expect a happy fairytale ending at each show’s end?
When TV show contestants sign up for a reality show – and they do so willingly, remember – how can they not realise they’re now at the mercy of reality TV show’s dastardly producers? After all, it isn’t reality; it’s actually a competitive game to win, whether it be someone’s heart, or a shitload of money.
The ancient Romans had the Colosseum – we, the bloodthirsty Australian public have the blood sport that is reality TV. And so a happy ending isn’t actually, well, very often an actual reality.
It’d be fascinating to interview reality TV show contestants a few months down the track after they’ve exited our TVs, and our lives, to ask them if it was all worth it. Didn’t it ever occur to them that they wouldn’t come out on top? Why the sense of entitlement at the end?
And while I’m sure reality TV attracts its fair share of fame whore contestants, who may benefit, however fleetingly, from the camera’s unrelenting gaze – a select few with the right looks and personality do go on to forge successful TV/radio careers – are others just too silly and trusting to realise their lives will be gambled for our entertainment?
Do the losing Blockheads Darren and Dee and Michael and Carlene really deserve our utmost sympathy? Or, are their financial woes just what they signed up for?
What do you think?
I’m all agog, I am aghast: the “fairytale” that was The Bachelor has in fact turned into a heinous nightmare, after Network Ten confirmed today Blake Garvey and Sam Frost have in fact split.
As a shocked and outraged nation mourns the demise of Blake and Sam’s “relationship” and social media bays for Garvey’s blood, some background if you’re one of only a handful of people (including my husband) who boycotted the blood sport that was this year’s The Bachelor reality TV show.
So, to sum up: after 10 weeks of dates, dramas and dirty street pies, tall, dark handsome Perth auctioneer Blake – whom I always found extremely beige in personality and emotionally vacant – got to pash and fondle; humiliate in various degrading circumstances; and force some 30 women to declare their undying love for him at a Sydney prison, sorry mansion, for the nation’s vast amusement, entertainment and schadenfreude.
And of the 30 women, six were “intruders” sent in for the producers’ and ours’ collective enjoyment, only to be quickly voted off over the course of a few episodes. Blake then whittled the remaining women down to the top four of Jessica, Louise, Lisa and Sam, with the latter the favourite from the start to win the heart of “Blake the Snake”.
Fast forward to last night’s thrilling The Bachelor final rose finale in South Africa, where only the eternally-smitten, aforementioned Sam, 25, and Lisa, 27, remained. Lisa, who had previously wisely held back on saying the “L-word”, unfortunately did end up confessing her undying love for Blake firstly to his aunty and mum (as you do) and then to him, only to be booted off the show at the final hour when Blake the Snake declared his one, true love was in fact Sam.
Of course, mere hours before Australia found out who the final “lucky” chosen one was on The Bachelor, the shit hit the fan and social media went nuts over the news that Network Ten had cancelled all Blake, Sam and Lisa’s media interviews today and in the lead-up to the finale.
Then, Twitter conspiracy theories peaked with the one about Blake fathering a baby with one of the previously rejected Bachelorettes (obvs not Sam).
Well, I can confirm SHE SAID readers that while there is no Bachelor baby (bugger), as I said above, you may need some counselling, wine and chocolate, for it is true that Blake and Sam are splitsville.
Today, Network Ten issued this curt presser, along with a caveat, “There will be no further comment at this time.”
“Network Ten can confirm that Blake and Sam have sadly ended their engagement. When Blake proposed to Sam in South Africa, he did so because he had genuinely fallen in love with her. He was excited to start a life with Sam and was very much looking forward to their future together.
Unfortunately, not all relationships are meant to be, and feelings invariably change. Once Blake returned to his everyday life, he realised that they both wanted different things from a relationship and had different priorities. Blake has the greatest love and respect for Sam, but has made the difficult decision to end the relationship.”
But wait, there’s more! Interestingly, Sam broke her silence, on her Twitter account @fro_001 earlier today, saying: “People need to stop asking why we broke up. Trust me, I’m just as in the dark as you all are.. Blake is the one calling all the shots here.”
So, what gives Blakey baby? If the poor dude hasn’t already fled overseas to avoid the lynch mob on social media, he may be in need of some bodyguards. And, speaking of Twitter, my favourite analysis of the situation has been from the very smart and funny Todd Sampson, @toddsampsonOz who said: “perhaps Sam realised she was dating a production company for the last 8 weeks not Blake. #TheBachelorAu.
So, what can we all learn from this debacle, aside from the fact that TV reality shows are, in fact, not based on reality? And that if you go on a TV reality show to find true love, you need your head read?!
On a more serious note, the sinister I’m-a-princess/life-is-a-fairytale myths perpetuated by such TV shows as The Bachelor, which are so hazardous to women’s emotional and mental well-being and relationships, are still alive and well in our society.
So, I don’t know about you, but I’ll be teaching my daughters to: beware of tall, dark and handsome auctioneers who appear too good to be true; never seek true love on a TV reality show and above all, to find their own man – to never allow a love interest to pash/fondle and confess his feelings to 29 of their closest friends in a secluded mansion cut off from the world. How is that ever OK?!
And one final thing: who gets to keep the bloody $58,000 Bunda diamond engagement ring?! Should it actually go to The Bachelor’s most dastardly, devious and evil producer?
What do you think?
Are you obsessed with all things The Bachelor on Network Ten, as I am, and cringed at Blake Garvey’s seeming appalling lack of emotional honesty at times?
Remember when Blake (pictured) recently told poor, smitten Louise on their boozy Blue Mountains picnic, shortly before she straddled him (as you do, on national TV) that “you make me so happy” then said off-camera, that he wasn’t sure if there was “enough of a spark?”
Then, there was the time he recently happily enjoyed some sexy time in a hot tub with young, besotted Jessica – henceforth to be known as “steamy Jess” – only to whinge to Australia that he was essentially worried they had too much of a spark and not enough substance? Cringe!
Jesus, get it together, Garvey?! Unless I’m missing something, I’m pretty sure Blake the Bachelor hasn’t exactly told any of these women he’s allegedly all having relationships with much of his actual, true feelings.
And, sure, it can’t be easy being emotionally honest with a bunch of women on a reality TV show, not to mention ones who are all obsessively and fanatically in love with you, but I just want him to try a bit harder so that the final four women’s hearts don’t break upon the shock of being suddenly and brutally rejected.
So, listen up Garvey, here’s some top tips from a leading relationships psychologist, who wishes to remain anonymous, about how to be emotionally honest in relationships and why it matters so much.
“Emotional honesty in a relationship means expressing what you really feel,” says the psych. “Communicating with your partner in an open and honest way is the basis for a strong relationship. This can be difficult as not everyone is in touch with their emotions, or has the language to openly express how they are feeling.”
So, why would anyone be false and deceitful about their emotions in a relationship? The relationships psych says this is actually more common than you think, with both men and women guilty of Blake-esque behaviour by telling partners what they want to hear, as opposed to their true feelings.
“People are dishonest about their feelings because their desire to have this relationship and all that is associated with it makes them ignore or cover up their true feelings,” she says. “For example, someone might express love for a partner that they don’t really feel, because they really want to be in a relationship, have sex, or fear being alone… Or they may not want to hurt their partner’s feelings.
“It is very important to be honest in a relationship, particularly in terms of the emotions you are feeling. If someone is feeling a certain emotion, but saying something different there will be a dissonance which will undermine the relationship. It will be likely to cause problems of trust in the relationship because their partner will probably sense that they are not being honest.”
And, if God forbid, any of us are faced with a potentially very emotional and awkward relationship breakup – and I don’t envy Blake having to do this, with multiple women on national TV no less – how on earth do you do it honestly, without insulting the other poor, unsuspecting and love-struck person?
“Use ‘I statements’ to take responsibility for the breakup,” says the psych. “Use a kind and caring manner and body language, but say honestly how you are feeling. You might also want to preface the conversation with something like: ‘Look, I need to be honest with you about where I see our relationship going’.”
As in going nowhere fast, eek!
The Bachelor airs every Wednesday and Thursday nights at 7.30pm, with the finale on next Thursday, October 2 at 7.30pm.
Confession time: I love The Bachelor – aired on Network Ten twice weekly. I adore its delicious schadenfreude; what woman (or man, although my husband hates it so much, he has to leave the room) hasn’t yelped, whooped and cringed at the TV every time The Bachelor’s Blake Garvey (pictured) – he of the gorgeous, chocolaty voice – gives that blank, shutters-down I’m-about-to-send-you-home look to one of his many poor, smitten lasses in the mansion!?
I’m addicted and I can’t wait to see whom Blake chooses – #teamsam all the way!
But behind this reality TV show’s ridiculous, over-the-top romance and glamour lies an ugly, well, reality which can ruin your relationship if you’ve not got your head screwed on right: I’m not even kidding.
For The Bachelor strongly perpetuates the I’m-a-princess/life-is-a-fairytale myths that are so hazardous to women’s emotional and mental well-being and relationships. Sure, what woman wouldn’t want to be whisked away for a romantic, champagne picnic date atop the Blue Mountains, or even taken in a limo to eat a #dirtystreetpie for that matter, but when the cameras stop rolling, what will all the rejected women be left with?
Are they all now going to expect to be carried off into the sunset on luxury dream dates every time with their future partners? “Where’s my helicopter/vintage car/limo!? Dammit, I just WANTED BLAKE!”
And every instance one of the poor, deluded lasses in the house utters the immortal words “I’m so touched Blake arranged this special date for me and wanted me to experience this…” my heart dies a thousand deaths.
Blake didn’t “arrange” anything, you silly lass!? Dude just shows up and I’m fairly certain does exactly what those dastardly producers tell him to do. Witness the rise and fall of model and fashion designer Laurina Fleure (pictured below), for example, she of the aforementioned #dirtystreetpie and #hetouchedhiseye Twitter infamy, who was booted off the show last Wednesday night.
Her downfall came after she dared to be quite rightly offended when Blake gave her the ol’ blank, shutters-down I’m-about-to-send-you-home look, complete with a dirty eye scratch for good measure.
I cheered on Laurina as she left the mansion, head held high. And while she was a very divisive character – her “Melbourne is amazing” real estate rant at the end was priceless and cringe-worthy, and her extreme lack of empathy for the other women in the house was appalling at times – I still admired her for sticking to her guns.
What woman wouldn’t be a tad confused, even a little offended, if told to dress up to the nines then taken to a pie takeaway shop? I believe The Bachelor producers (and poor, old Blake for that matter) realised very early on that dramatic, out-there Laurina made for good TV, despite hers and Blake’s lack of compatibility, and so they strung her along right until the end – the final six, for that matter.
Even Laurina herself has recently said she and Blake were “flogging a dead horse” when it came to their “relationship” and I use the term loosely. The producers continually hung her out to dry in unwinnable situations and therein lies the danger of these heavily contrived TV dating shows. They’re entertainment, not reality. The fairytale is not real. And, as I’ll teach my daughters, if you go through life expecting to be treated like a princess, ala The Bachelor contestants, like some passive Cinderella-like character, waiting to be swept off your feet and not in charge of your own destiny, you are only setting yourself up for a fall. True love exists, but you need to be in the driver’s seat, not a passive participant expecting Prince Charming to find you.
And it’s barbaric and demeaning to say the least to see multiple women competing for the affections of one man. At times, while watching The Bachelor, I wish I could race to the women’s prison, sorry luxury mansion, and set them free!
“There’s a whole world of men out there, girlfriend, go get happy with a man of your own!” I’d yell at them, before feeding them cupcakes and champagne.
“Or, better still, get happy within yourself first, sister, then look for your partner.”
For life ain’t no fairytale. The romance and love part is easy – it’s the keeping the happily-ever-after bit alive in a marriage that takes deep love, trust, commitment, friendship and endless patience and forgiveness.
The Bachelor airs every Wednesday and Thursday nights at 7.30pm, with the finale on Thursday, October 2 at 7.30pm.
The Bachelor has been around for years, but only recently has the show been based around an Australian bachelor and it’s certainly got people talking. Some love it and some hate it, so which are you? Here are some arguments about why I’m a fan:
- Although some people say that pitting twenty five anxious ladies against one handsome man whilst he has a jolly good time can be degrading, all of these women have chosen to appear on the show – they weren’t forced into it and I think it’s fair to say that they know the dreaded process. Whether they have prepared themselves mentally for that or not is another question.
- According to the creator of the show, he thinks women love The Bachelor because we enjoy seeing other women being rejected or feeling miserable, but I tend to disagree. Yes, okay, there are some women that I don’t shed a tear for when they leave, but in general I enjoy watching them form genuine connections and watching their romance blossom. Who doesn’t love a good romance story?
- Some say that the show prevents us from dealing with our own emotions and distracts us from real life, but doesn’t all television? Personally, I love that hour when I can tune out of my life and into someone else’s for a while, then when it’s over I’m back to reality.
- It has been said that the show gives off a vibe of only the best get picked, but my argument for this is that the show isn’t about winners or losers, it’s about finding the right person for that one man. The women who don’t get picked aren’t ‘losers’, they were simply not suited to the bachelor.
- I have to admit that there is one awful point about the show and it’s the way that the women treat each other. It really does turn love into a competitive sport and some women will stop at nothing to get what they want. Watching grown women fight about a man’s affections isn’t particularly flattering and it’s almost embarrassing at times, but would you do it in the hope of falling in love with the man of your dreams?
Right now, I’m trying to pen my first romance novel, so I love a happy ending and I suppose that’s why I love the show so much. I’m hoping for that classic fairy tale ending, but whether that will happen or not, only time will tell.
Image via images.tenplay.com.au
If you are a massive fan of the hit series MasterChef, you could take your fandom one step further by purchasing the expansive property where the current contestants lived while shooting the reality series. Located in the Victorian suburb of Brighton, the property is now officially on the market for around $5 million. The place the hopeful chefs in the Channel Ten competition called home is quite the estate. There are six bedrooms, four bathrooms, a home cinema, play room, cellar, swimming pool, spa and gym.
Check out a gallery of the property here.
And it wouldn’t be the home of MasterChef without a state-of-the-art gourmet kitchen, with everything you could ever need to create a restaurant-quality, gourmet feast.
The mansion is located at 323 St Kilda St on a 1883sq m block of land and is just a short walk to Port Phillip Bay beach.
Images via DailyMail