Relationship-issues

Weekend Wit: The Sex-Starved Spouse Club

The sex-starved spouse club isn’t the type of club where membership is eagerly sought! Plus, it’s a secret club where membership isn’t often discussed. If and when a spouse turns off the intimacy tap, it can affect the other spouse in weird and far from wonderful ways!

There’s also a process which members usually go through, too. It’s not an instant membership like joining a library or the old DVD shop either, where you sign up and get to borrow whatever you like right there on the spot. No. It’s more like a gym membership. Let me explain what I’m talking about.

When most people join a gym, they are really into it. They’ll go as often as possible, but they don’t really consider themselves a fully fledged member because they are still testing their commitment. As time goes on, the visits get less regular. This is when they do consider themselves a member because they are continuously coughing up the monthly payment despite how many times they visit. Can you see where I’m heading with this? This is parallel to how membership into the sex-staved spouse club begins.

This is also the stage where the obvious lack of sex is discussed and the sex starved spouse still tries to initiate some form of intimacy. However, rejection after rejection, strange things do begin to happen.

I’m talking about internalisation. For many members, they will begin to internalise the issue. Is it me? What’s wrong with me? Don’t they love me anymore? Blah, blah, blah. All that soul destroying stuff which could be prevented if the couple just talked about the issue and got some help.

The only thing is, the turner of the intimacy tap isn’t budging. They dig their heels in, for whatever reason and because the conversations about the lack of sex starts to end up becoming an argument each time, they project their problem onto their spouse. Yes, it is your looks, weight, attitude… This isn’t a joke. This stuff actually happens!

This is when members have their insecurities confirmed. For some members, this is when the weight begins to pile on, they lose faith in their capacity to please their partner and “attempt” to suffer in silence. By attempt, I mean they go about their daily activity, vividly aware there is a problem. Discussions about their lack of intimacy, is like the big, fat, pink elephant in the room!

Every now and then members just need to say something. Anything! They know there’s no point, but they just need to make it known that this just isn’t going away. It’s going to linger there like a stale old fart in bed, just waiting for some poor buggar to lift the covers and expose it for what it is.

For other members, the thought of cheating becomes a very viable option. They might even threaten it. Repeatedly! It makes no difference, though, what the members do. The intimacy tap tightens even further and all that’s left is the application of super glue!

After a while, loyal members just give up. They know their partner has shut down, closed shop and made it startlingly clear that intimacy is no longer a part of their relationship. Yep, they are effectively living as housemates, or worse, it feels like they are sleeping next to their sibling!

This is when their membership in the sex starved spouse club is confirmed. If they are “lucky” members might get birthday sex once a year. The sort of sex that it’s hot, steamy and exciting, but more like a  pity put out. Yes folks, membership into the sex starved spouse club certainly isn’t pretty, so it’s no wonder members kept it such a big secret!

Image source: http://blog.joins.com/usr/o/hp/ohpax/1006/4c0b890192555.jpg

January 17, 2015

3 Common Relationship Problems and How to Fix Them

The course of true love doesn’t always run smoothly, and most couples encounter some relationship problems. Fortunately, many of these relationship issues can be solved with a bit of work. Most breakups can be blamed on a small set of conflicts, so here are three of the most common problems and how to fix relationships that are affected.

The problem: bad sex

When sex is good, it’s very, very good. Sex is one of the things that keeps a couple together, so when there are problems, they should be taken seriously. If your chemistry as a couple isn’t working, there are things you should try.

One is finding time for sex, even if it requires making an appointment and hiring a baby sitter. Too many couples let their sex life fall by the wayside as they build a family, but this is sure to lead to dissatisfaction on both sides. Make a few weekly “sex dates” and see if this puts the heat back in your sex life.

Another idea is to make lists of what turns each of you on—and trade them. You may be surprised to learn how creative your partner can be, plus get new ideas for having great sex!

The most important thing is not to ignore it and hope the situation will improve by itself. Open communication is key.

The problem: money

After sex, financial woes are the problem most likely to cause relationship issues. These are lean times for many people, and that can lead to tension within a relationship, especially if one of you is a “spender” and the other is a “saver.” Some couples find out after marriage that they have been raised with wildly conflicting ideas about money.

If you’re having financial problems, they won’t just go away because you hide the bills and try to ignore them. The two of you must sit down and take an honest, non-hostile look at your finances. This is not the time to lay blame, because it’s likely that both of you are partly responsible for your money problems.

You should calmly go over the entire situation—bills, debts, bank statements, savings, insurance, investments, pay stubs—and work out a budget. Allocate tasks: one person should be in charge of checking statements and paying the bills, and both should have a modest allowance that they don’t have to account for. If the situation is really dire, you should consider going into financial or debt counselling as a couple.

The problem: trust

If your relationship has been rocked by infidelity, you may not be able to repair the damage. In some cases, the loss of trust in too much of a betrayal to overcome, but there are things you can try in hopes of fixing the relationship. Both of you have to be committed to the idea that your love is worth saving.

If you are the one who was unfaithful, you must show by your actions that you can be trusted again. Don’t give your partner any more reason to doubt you. Always be on time, show respect for your partner and never, ever lie.

If you are the injured party, ask yourself if you can forgive your partner and move on to save the relationship. Avoid jealousy, and don’t throw the past up or overreact to every small slight. If you find that you’re unable to put the hurt behind you, then maybe the relationship can’t be saved.

How have you solved your relationship problems?

September 13, 2013

How do men deal with a broken heart

There’s nothing like a friend with a broken heart to make you feel good about yourself says our guy columnist Gus.

Not only does it give you the opportunity to don that favourite of hats, “the good friend”, but suddenly your own train wreck of a love life begins to look, by contrast, to be the work of some genius master-plan. You find yourself with an odd mixture of sympathy and self-satisfaction, trying to find a bright side you can tell your mate.

From your point of view, of course, the bright side is that it isn’t happening to you. Like that warm, guilty glow you get from the passenger seat of a drink-drive bust, you know that there is one big factor that could have made this situation a hell of a lot worse. It’s enough to put you in a damned good mood… which mightn’t be exactly the appropriate response. So you chuck on a sympathetic face and spring into action.

A wise man once gave me some sound advice. When dealing with a friend’s heartache, there are two courses of action: if it’s a man take him drinking; if it’s a woman take her shopping. To that I can only add that the shopping seems to be of most benefit when it is in the field of accessories. Nothing blunts a woman’s pain like shoes or handbags, especially if you’re flush enough to shout.

The tricky area here, as you know, is with a friend of the opposite sex and whether you sleep with them or not. As I started writing this line I fully intended to take a strong negative stance on this, but in the time it has taken to type it I have come up with a couple of insurmountable exceptions: 1) this person is attractive to you, 2) this person’s ex is an enemy, 3) this person is me, etc…..It, um, might be worth your while to get a second opinion on this. I sometimes have a little trouble with the moral issues.

At some stage, you are going to have to release the subject back into the wild. This can be very confronting for them. After 2 months of bar-flying with a recently divorced friend, I suggested that perhaps he should be looking for female company. His voice got all panicky, “Are you kidding? My last date was so long ago the only tactic around was to get her as drunk as possible!” (Ahh…plus a change…) He brightened up no end when I told him the good news.

The fact is that they will fight against being a regular single again. On this issue you must be firm. Sell ’em hard on the independence angle. Agree (very carefully) that their ex was a bitch/prick. Wax lyrical on the kooky fun of first dates.

And wallow in the hot shame of your schadenfreude.

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July 3, 2000