Sam-wood

The Bachelor Australia Recap: Snezana Wins Woody’s Heart

“I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” – Sam Wood to Snezana Markoski.

And the shock The Bachelor Australia 2015 winner is: Snezana. And thank God for that – after the previous horror of seeing this year’s Bachelor, Melbourne personal trainer/entrepreneur Sam Wood, 25, let crowd favourite Heather go – he has far surpassed my expectations of him by choosing classy, gorgeous and genuinely lovely Perth single mum Snezana Markoski, 34, for the win.

RELATED: The Bachelor Recap: Batch-Man And H-Bomb More Fizzle Than Sizzle

At the final emotional rose ceremony, Sam – aka Woody, as I like to call him – tells Snezana he’s madly in love with her and praises her inner strength, warmth and beauty and for making him a better man.  He also reassures her he’ll also love and cherish her nine-year-old daughter Eve – thereby making me, and no doubt the rest of Australia, finally fall a little bit in love with Woody ourselves.

“You are the first girl that I met and you are the last, because I’ve fallen in love with you,” he tells a stunned, and stunning, Snezana, who’s been a early favourite of Woody’s – and mine – from the beginning.

Beautiful, inside and out – Snezana’s impressive composure, maturity and womanliness put so many of the much younger, silly, game-playing, fame-chasing girls in the lady prison, sorry mansion, to shame. From the start, Snez really seemed to be in it for the “right reasons” – to find love – and her style and sophistication was a joy to watch. And there’s no denying the firecracker chemistry and spark she’s shared with Woody from the get-go.

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After Woody sent Sarah, 26, home in the second-last episode, runner-up for Sam’s heart, Lana, 27, while also an impressive and accomplished human – give the girl’s gorgeous side-hair a Gold Logie! – bizarrely didn’t seem all that upset that she wasn’t the last one standing at the end.

Was she perhaps – like many of the other girls – purely more interested in winning than in actually forming a life-long partnership with Woody? Didn’t she grasp how serious – and refreshingly so – Woody was in getting married and having kids pronto?

I’ve got to say – this The Bachelor Australia 2015 series was everything I wanted and more. Woody has WAY more heart and grit than I thought, as evidenced by him choosing Snezana and Eve. Blended families are very common these days, but Woody could have taken the “easier” way out by opting for a much younger woman with far less baggage. So, huge congrats to Woody for shocking and surprising the nation with his depth of character and ability to cut through all the bullshit to follow his heart and choose the lovely sophisticated Macedonian beauty.

I mean, remember the horror of last season’s fake Blake Garvey and his brutal dumping of Sam Frost – this after he proposed to her on live TV?! It’ll be cool to watch Frost get her groove back as The Bachelorette Australia, which airs next Wednesday, to soothe the giant gaping hole left in our TV viewing now that The Bachelor Australia has come to a close.

And while Woody didn’t get down on bended knee and propose to Snez, he did present her with a cute locket gift for Eve and a $22,000 custom-made diamond encrusted promise ring, which he designed with the help of luxury jeweller Zamels (cue sponsor spotlight here).

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This series end was oddly – and pleasingly – heartfelt and emotional. You couldn’t help but cheer for Woody as she chose Snez – especially after meeting his lovely family, including his delightful Poppa Sam, who declared of Snez and Lana: ”They’re both lovely kids”.

And now, after finally revealing his true heart and manliness, I’ve not only got a wee crush on Woody, but on host Osher Günsberg too, whose lovely manner with the women and the Bachelor makes me wish we could fix him up with the love of his life too.

One final thing: let’s hope Woody didn’t let Snez watch that footage of him in a hot pool make-out session with Lana, from the second-last episode. That’d be enough to give champion side-eye giver Snez a serious hernia.

From 21 women down to just one: well played, Woody – well played. Snez is a hell of a catch – let’s hope their fairytale continues.

NB: By all accounts, the cute couple are still together and Sam has said he is “totally in love” with his chosen one. Ah, true love – isn’t it the best?

What do you think? Did Sam pick the right woman?

Images via news.com.au and au.news.yahoo.com

September 17, 2015

The Bachelor Recap: Batch-Man And H-Bomb More Fizzle Than Sizzle

And then there were three: I am clearly far too invested in this show because I don’t know about you, but I am struggling to come to terms with last night’s shock development on The Bachelor Australia which saw early front-runner Heather, 29, get booted off the show in Ep14. I am agog. I am aghast. Not Heather?! Nooo.

RELATED: The Bachelor Ep 11+12 Recap: Intruder Rachel Gets The Arse

Who the hell saw that coming?! Not me – I’d fallen so madly in love with hipster cool-girl Heather myself that my she-crush made me blind to Bachelor Sam Wood’s repeated, ominous references to her being stuck in the dreaded “friendship zone”. Dammit!

Woody sent a devastated Heather home after emotional home-town family visits with each of the four remaining women’s families. Heather came first, then Lana, 27,  Sarah, 26, and finally Snezana, 34.

WTF Woody? Heather is PERFECT!? Who can forget their supremely sweet superhero date together which spurned the Batch-Man and H-Bomb characters? Oh the heartbreak! Oh the burn. And this – after Heather’s stand-in father figure, salt-of-the-earth Warwick turned full Gestapo/investigative journalist and grilled Woody’s pants off to the point that if poor Bachie did any more nervous hair-stroking, his beautiful hair croissant may have actually been torn out. Turns out, Woody didn’t want to pants our girl Heather as much as the others. Fuck (except not literally), pardon the pun.

Lana the gorgeous and accomplished “intruder” was next up on the home-town visits and what a whirlwind romance she’s enjoyed with Woody. “Lana was a beautiful unexpected surprise,” announced Woody. Hmmph. Woody is then subjected to another intense interrogation by Lana’s fierce mum who advises her to use her heart, as well as her head. Well said, Lana’s mum. I do think Lana is more of an actual catch than Woody myself.

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Sarah’s next – and I respect her emotional honesty and courage in nailing Woody’s breeder tendencies. “Do I have to breed straight away, Woody, because I’m only 26 and I’m not quite ready,” says she, or whiny words to that effect. In another startling revelation, Heather’s lookalike mum manages to get out of Woody that his spirit animal is a labrador. You stupid, stupid labrador – what have you done!?

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Finally, Woody visits the Perth home of luminous Macedonian beauty Snezana and finally meets her equally gorgeous nine-year-old daughter Eve – and another 25,456 family members – in the process. Aside from showing more cleavage than Snez on this date in a bizarre, low-cut T-shirt, Woody does manage to seemingly hold his own well with the wee lass and entire family, so power to him. I didn’t think he had the grit to take on a nine-year-old girl in an instant family situation – I was clearly wrong on this count too. Is there more to Woody than it seems?

In all honesty though, seeing a nine-year-old girl subjected to the horror and potential heartbreak of a reality TV dating show made me feel a bit sick – this is WAY too much for such a wee, awesome little lass to have to face, in my opinion. She’s endured having an absent mother for eight weeks and now she has to be subjected to a camera crew and being rejected by a man she’s just met? She doesn’t deserve that. For her sake at the very least, I hope Woody picks Snezana at the end – she’s my new favourite for the win, mostly because Eve is so utterly adorable. Go you good thing, feisty Macedonians!

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In other news, in a move that surprised absolutely no one, except of course poor, ol’ clueless Nina herself (pictured below), she got the big, ol’ boot in the previous night’s Ep13. Is host Osher Günsberg looking more and more handsome each episode? But I digress… Sam, who was clearly not into Nina at all, announced to camera he was worried they were like chalk and cheese. And – inspiring female hatred for him around Australia, he uttered these immortal words: that he’s “never had an opinionated girlfriend before,” in reference to Nina. Say what?! Did the poor, dumb Labrador get his words mixed up? Doesn’t he mean unclassy? Or aggressive?

Now, forgive me while I go and pour myself another glass of wine and lie down in the foetal position. Poor, poor Heather. What THE ACTUAL FUCK, Woody!? Hang on, can we fix her up with the lovely Osher? Does anyone know if he’s single?! Heather was so lovely, kind and quirky that – given her clearly very dire family situation (where was her mum?) – I’d quite like to adopt her myself. Sigh…

Stay tuned for yet more The Bachelor hilarity, heartbreak and humiliation galore as it goes down the wire with the final three remaining women.

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What do you think? Were you Team Heather too?

Images via dailymail.co.uk, news.com.au, womansday.com.au, dailytelegraph.com.au

September 10, 2015

The Bachelor Ep 11+12 Recap: Intruder Rachel Gets The Arse

Few moments in life are as painfully awkward as the horror realisation that the person you’re smitten with really, really isn’t that into you, at ALL. And so it is for poor, hapless The Bachelor Australia “intruder” – food blogger Rachel, 29, who – aside from seemingly having an actual, bizarre aversion to food – woefully misinterpreted her fleeting moments with our Bachie Sam Wood, aka Woody, as being positive.

RELATED: The Bachelor Ep7 + 8 Recap: Mansion Of Misery Or Death Star?

Of course, Rachel’s days were numbered in the previous episode 11, when she failed to show any maternal side at all when each of the six remaining contestants were charged with directing a bunch of actual, real live children – “eww!”  – in a sporting obstacle course. C’mon ladies, wise up – any fool can see kid-mad Woody’s looking for an instant breeder?!

Bizarrely, this episode was also characterised by Woody’s apparent meltdown, whereby shit got too real for the manly hair helmet and he flat out refused to send any of the final six women in his harem home in that night’s rose ceremony. After counselling a sweaty, upset Woody, has handsome host Osher actually clocked up enough clinical hours to quality as a practicing psychologist?

In this latest episode, Rachel’s bags were clearly already packed and sitting outside the mansion of misery, with her limo on stand-by, going in to this latest rose ceremony, when Woody finally sent her home. Seriously, what took him so long? Every time he interacted with Rachel he resembled a man who’d swallowed a fly. Or was the producers’ delight in seeing Rachel offend every other woman in the lady-prison too much and what ultimately saved her from eviction the previous night?

And, here’s the thing – we’re down to the final five women now before “home-town dates” and I feel like the series has started to lag. Sure, new “intruder” the very hot and accomplished Lana, 27,(pictured) has clearly turned Woody’s head, but is there any doubt he’s going down to the wire with hot favourites FTW: Heather, 29, Snezana, 34, and Sarah, 26? I could be wrong, but I reckon Nina’s next to get the big boot – there’s a reason she’s only had one date with Woody thus far.

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And, aside from the usual ridiculous amount of camera time devoted to Nina’s weird tongue action when she’s fired up and her general, eye-rolling rage, much else of note happened this Ep12. Er, aside from a gratuitous nudity grab where the women’s sexual frustration was further heightened by Woody stripping down to unbuttoned pants at an art gallery group date – hello group assignment hell! Dude does have a good torso and oddly alluring nipples, I’ll give him that.

In other news, WTF is with Heather’s bizarro grandma outfit which keeps flashing onscreen? Did the women also have to play fancy dress as their fave nanna? Our hipster dudess is wearing a furry cardi mess, pearls and ugly hat – where was the Network Ten stylist here? Did she make like Emily, and also do a runner?!

I’m also loving with some ridiculous degree of schadenfreude, the “original” four remaining women’s extreme discomfort at having to share Woody with newcomer Lana. It’s like: “How dare you come in late and think you can date our group boyfriend, bitch?!” And it’s not just the mansion of misery’s new resident bad gal, Nina, (pictured) who feels this way. The gorgeous Snezana has been giving Lana such seriously good side-eye game, that side-eye queen, Italian movie goddess Sophia Loren would be proud.

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Ooh and cue much hilarity at watching the lovely luminous Sarah, now the series’ youngest contestant, fawn over Sam’s alleged romantic overtures in setting up a make-out couch overlooking Sydney Harbour and presenting her with alleged diamond earrings he picked out for her. “I can’t believe you did this?!” Um – well – he didn’t, on both counts. Well played, dastardly Bachelor producers. Oh and her cute, OTT declarations that a performance by an Opera Australia soloist “was the most incredible thing I’ve ever experienced” and “she made me feel things I’ve never felt before” left me wondering if she’s more in love with the Bachelor lavish date porn experience, than the actual Bachie Wood.

So, to wrap up, some answered questions: Can Woody actually handle – gasp – harem favourite Snezana having a nine-year-old daughter? When is someone going fix nice Osher up on a date? And can sourpuss Nina cause any more havoc and hate in the house before she too is sent packing? And, above all: when will Heather finally just take home the prize – Woody and his oddly hairless golden torso (pictured) – once and for all?! Stay tuned for more The Bachelor hilarity and humiliation galore…

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Images via couriermail.com.au, vavnews.com, news.com.au

September 4, 2015

The Bachelor Ep7 + 8 Recap: Mansion Of Misery Or Death Star?

It’s business time on The Bachelor Australia as the mansion of misery has now been reduced to just seven prisoners, sorry, women. Oh, the drama!

RELATED: The Bachelor Ep5 + 6: The Battle Of The Brunettes Ends In Tears

The remaining ladies will no doubt be in deep mourning following the “shock” departure of Rachel, 28, a somewhat dour blonde lass, who seemingly never had a conversation with our Bachie Sam Wood, aka Woody, let alone an actual single date with the man. Indeed, I noted with much amusement that some on Twitter were referring to her as gorgeous blonde frontrunner Sarah’s “spare”.

So, to recap – Ep8 opens with this overtly morose declaration, from one of the mansion of misery’s more depressive contestants, following Jacinda’s “shock” departure: “We’re always so flat after we lose someone.” Jesus, it’s The Bachelor, not Vietnam!?

The ladies, aside from Ebru and Emily, the latter who already has a rose, then quickly don helmets and racing suits for a group date whereby they get to take out their sexual frustration on each other in the guise of go-carts. It quickly descends into a farcical Nina Vs Emily face-off, which has more to do with two women each trying to beat and humiliate each other and far less about actually winning poor Woody’s heart (and, erm wood). Poor Woody. It’s his turn to feel degraded.

And once again, Woody shows he’s got some brains in that bouffant. And just a quick segue, while we’re on the topic of hair, has anyone else noticed how Osher and his hair helmet are starting to eerily resemble Ray Martin?!

Woody seems none too impressed by Emily’s bitchiness in showing up Nina to emerge victorious in the go-cart challenge. He actually – gasp – seems quite intuitive and cluey.

Snezana, 34, the lovely, luminous European lass, then gets a second one-on-one date with Woody, much to the other women’s consternation (main picture). Woody channels Miami Vice in a beige jacket and tight pants arriving aboard a vintage speedboat, in which he squires Snez away to a super-romantic Little Italy themed picnic spread. Snezana is cute in her naïveté that Woody actually arranged it all. Bless.

Meanwhile, back in the house, Nina (pictured) distinguishes herself by breaking the girl-code to rat out on the lovely Snez, who had grudgingly confided in both her and Beck that she did in fact share a passionate pash with Woody in the previous episode’s group date “hoedown” at the Australiana Pioneer Village (more on that later). The other girls react with mirth and goodwill mostly, aside from Emily who takes this opportunity to trash-talk Nina behind her back, while she tries her best to save face and explain why she threw Snez under the bus.

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Snez and Woody share some hot chemisty on their date, but is she in his head as well as his, erm, wood ala Heather? I think not. There’s more pashing and a weird pink dessert in the shape of a Star Wars Death Star which Woody has “arranged” to honour his hot date’s love of the science-fiction franchise. Erm, cute – I think. Is Snez Heather’s Death Star undoing? I think not.

Back to the mansion of misery and hormonal hell, where Nina confesses to Snez, to get it off her sizable chest, that she ratted out on her. In addition, Rachel finally gets sent home having not said or done anything of worth the entire series this far. Did the camera crew fall asleep every time she spoke?

Ep7’s aforementioned group date “hoedown” – that word has never carried so much poignancy and weight – saw young Jasmin evicted after she refused to pretend to get maternal about sheep. Woody wants to breed soon, y’all!

Also, Emily and Woody went on a hot beach date whereby she showed off her perfect bikini body and he showed off his perfect, giant torso and they both woodenly and robotically discussed their respective angst at not being married with kids, yawn. He then presented her with precious gems in the form of a treasure hunt bracelet to buy her favours. Cue to Emily’s happiest moment in the house thus far (pictured) – receiving jewellery – which says it all about her, really. She sure as hell ain’t there for our Woody, I’d wager. Oh and did I mention the other poor contestants had to endure huniliation galore in the form of apple bobbing and sheep herding at the hoedown?! The things you do for love (or 15 minutes of fame).

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I remain, as ever, #teamheather as it seems to me no one else stands a chance. Woody is smitten with our hipster chick Heather to the point their “relationship” seems strong, despite his ongoing, strong sexual attractions and make-out sessions with a harem of other women in the house. OK, six others now. Heather, FTW!

Images via www.dailymail.co.uk; tenplay.com.au

August 20, 2015

The Bachelor Ep5 + 6: The Battle Of The Brunettes Ends In Tears

Does anyone else feel like The Bachelor Australia has morphed into a The Hunger Games-style drama, whereby the reality dating TV show’s producers are striving to devise new, torturous and humiliating ways to kill off, although not quite literally, the contestants?

RELATED: The Bachelor Ep4: Will Batch-Man + H-Bomb Live Happily Ever After?

Ep6 quickly became a battle of the brunettes after Ebru, 31, and Jacinda, 33, and Bec, 28, are thrown into a “groundhog date” ala Groundhog Day to test how the girls “handle things when the chips are down,” to quote Bachie Sam Wood, aka Woody as I like to call him. Cue yet more humiliation galore as the poor lasses are each, in turn, subjected to the date no one wanted, all in order to ascertain who was this season’s most uptight lady, ala #dirtystreetpie Laurina, from Season 2.

What a mean-spirited way to whittle down the numbers? The scantily-clad ladies were all forced to endure a fake limo flat tyre test; a hair-raising and (dampening) jet boat ride on the Sydney Harbour; a flirty, OTT and rude waitress in a restaurant and a disgusting serving of inedible “delicacies” including fried crickets and duck tongue, I think, although my eyes were rolling back into my head and I can’t be sure. Yummy!

After much stoic, admirable and fake excitement at every twist and turn, you’ve got to hand it to the ladies – they each hold up well in the wake of Woody’s perverse pleasure, with him naturally in on the joke at the ladies expense.

And here’s the thing: I can’t work out if Woody is so emotionally retarded that he couldn’t foresee the women’s natural upset at this degrading scenario, or is he just a very, very good liar when it comes to soothing their ills? I mean, what a way to make women feel special, right?

And what the actual fuck: why is charity worker Rachel, 28, who’s barely been on screen the entire time and somehow made it through to the top 10 women seemingly without spending five seconds with Woody, now akin to the show’s narrator? Is she extra hot?

It quickly becomes apparent that Woody can well imagine getting, erm hard over Bec (pictured) and Ebru, despite the latter’s over-zealous baby talk, but he ain’t got no trouser love for poor, old Jacinda, who I both like and really feel for. Sigh.

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All the women fall apart to differing degrees – causing widespread drama, drama, drama in the mansion of 1000 tears – when they inevitably realise they’ve been set up when they each return to the house.

Woody then walks into a “lions den”, that is this estrogen-fuelled snake pit. Each woman expresses her dismay while Woody seemingly soothes their ills with compliments like: “But you’re really hot and I’d totally do you” to Bec (OK, not in those exact words).

The beautiful and lovely Jacinda, a rough diamond is there ever was one, wearing a very revealing crop top and skirt, then evicts herself as, heartbroken, she is forced to listen to Bachie lament he feels no chemistry between them.

Is Bachie the most empathetic and emotionally honest Bachelor to date? Hmmm. He says he feels genuine sadness saying goodbye to Jacinda (pictured) and it’s an important reminder as to why he’s on the show: he’s there to find a true friend, but also a genuine love he can totally sex until the cows come home.

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Osher glides in and announces to call Jacinda has evicted herself and Woody has aborted the rose ceremony in his apparent grief. And so ten women become nine. “It’s becoming really real,” says Heather, all hormonal rage and deep, deep sadness.

As for Ep5, if you missed it, these were the giddy highs and lows: Emily bitched to camera a lot; Heather looked equally simpering and sad at having finally realised she’s in dating hell; Osher’s shiny hair almost stole the show at various points; and busty wedding planner and yet another brunette, Nina, 28, (pictured below) worked her ta tas and an ugly grey jumpsuit with Woody to climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge and break the longest world record onscreen kissing attempt. They achieve it – cue awkward kiss that was less Hollywood heart-melt and more “Omg when will this end!? And gleeful, maybe someone will suffocate?!” They kiss for a record four mins 10 secs and she rewards Woody over dinner with an “almost” nip slip and the knowledge she’s been single for 4.5 years. Whoa!

An infamous gold date card then sends most of the already competitive ladies on a soccer match with a difference, whereby Woody has the time of his life watching the women try to outdo each other dressed in tiny shorts, sporting hilarious, giant bubbles. Mad, bad Sandra, 27, whom let us remind ourselves is a primary school teacher in charge of minors, disgraces herself by being loud and obnoxious and Woody soon sends her packing in the limo of despair. Poor love – I hope she gets some counselling. She looks like a sad clown.

Oh and one more thing: Heather may be a mastermind. She keeps her cards so close to chest, none of the other girls fully grasp the “deep connection” she and Woody seemingly share, although he does single her out for a one-on-one chat, where he jokes he may never be able to let her go. Both express how much they miss each other. Cute. I still have my money on these two to go the distance.

So, with Sandra gone, who will become the mansion of misery’s resident nutter now? And will Heather actually risk slipping into the “friendship zone” if she continues with her weird and stupid penchant for calling Woody “man” and “dude”? Stay tuned for yet more humiliation galore…

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Images via smh.com.au; tenplay.com.au

August 13, 2015

The Bachelor Ep4: Will Batch-Man + H-Bomb Live Happily Ever After?

I’m calling it, ladies (and gents): The Bachelor Australia has fast become The Heather and Woody Show – aka our dastardly TV superheroes Batch-Man and H-Bomb – and everyone else just may as well go home.

RELATED: Woody Gets Hard At Work In The Bachelor Season3 Premiere

Yep, for the 13 remaining poor, hapless ladies locked away in the lush mansion of misery at Sydney, our Bachie Sam Wood, aka Woody as I like to call him, is really just going through the motions. Who can possibly compete with the super-cute Batch-Man and H-Bomb scenario? Now, it’s become all about the producers destabilising their considerable erm, “connection” by throwing fireballs into the house of horrors.

Ep4 picked up with Heather finally making her move and asking Woody out on her white-rose “power move date” after the “dude”, as she prefers to call him, all but begged her to play her hand in Ep3.

Quick Ep3 recap while we’re there: Woody sent a silly, self-obsessed and vain lady-child called Madeleine home after the girls voted her for a one-on-one date and she spent the entire time boring our Bachie senseless with endless, tedious, uptight and self-conscious BS about her hair/teeth appearance and weird eating habits whereby she flat-out refused to chill out enough to fuel her body – gasp – in front of Woody. Here’s exactly how not to behave on a date, ladies! And he hated her behaviour so much he sent the beautiful lass home instead of her runner-up Laura, aka Anal Glands. Talk about the worst date EVER!?

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I’m actually shocked to find myself quite liking this Bachie for once. He seems a lot more emotionally honest, real and less pretentious than his previous counterparts. I mean, the fact that he was quite gallant, genuine and diplomatic about Madeleine’s departure speaks volumes about his character.

Now, back to Ep4: The girls eat fruit salad and fake sadness for Madeleine’s “shock” departure when Osher’s luxuriant hair walks in and announces Heather is on her white-rose date. The camera cuts to Heather’s major love rival Emily making bitchy comments about them just being friends.

Next up, Heather and Woody head off in a luxury, red sports car to her fave prop hire, event styling company so she can give him an “idea of who I am”. They pretend to do an exercise session so she can test out Woody’s passion for hot and sweaty pursuits Cameras cut back to Heather and Woody jelly wrestling in costumes, as you do. Is there a spark or isn’t there? Does he want to stick his tongue down her throat or NOT?!

Heather, now dressed in a miniature skirt cooks for him and they share deep and important intimacies such as her growing up father-less and her later search for her dad and Woody shares his grief at losing his mum to cancer. I’m not making light of this, because this is a rare and lovely moment of genuine TV realness.

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Hold the phone! Despite saying he’s had the “perfect date” Woody boldly confesses over dinner he’s worried they’re falling into the much-dreaded “friendship zone”. “I feel like we’re in danger of just becoming fantastic friends,” he says. Heather’s jaw drops to the floor. “Pash him!” I screamed at the TV. Thankfully, there’s no need, Woody eventually goes in for the big pash after presenting her with a rose. After much pleasing tongue-hockey, he declares there’s “lots more fun dates to come!” Phew!

The cameras cut to the mention where the remaining 15 angry and hormonal girls are stewing in their own juices. Cue yet more Emily bitching to camera. Yawn.

Meanwhile, through all this a gold card has arrived announcing a group date: it’s a beach bikini showdown! Joni aka “falsies” as I like to call her for customary ten inches of make-up, including false eyelashes, in broad daylight suddenly gets lots of camera time so we know she’s doomed. Falsies worries she’s not fun enough for Woody. You think?

Lo and behold Anal Glands, who’s English, gets a chance to talk to Woody again and f***s it up once more by mentioning – yep, you guessed it – anal glands. Is she a frustrated comedian? He’s so sending her home, too.

Meanwhile, Woody subjects the poor women to a mini-beach triathlon. Joni then goes into “freak-out mode” in baby waves and Woody is forced to give her the much-coveted, later one-on-one beach date in sympathy to her madness. He says she’s “incredibly intense and I want to see if she can take it down a level”. Fail – Joni’s just getting started! Woody falls asleep while she bangs on all serious dullness.

Cut to the rose ceremony where Anal Glands is in denial about going home. Woody goes in search of the luminous Snezana (pictured), who eventually – gasp – gets Woody’s first kiss in the house of a thousand tears. Just a bit of Ep3 back-story people – this gorgeous Perth mum is also giving H-Bomb a run for her money as she and Woody appear to share a special bond after a hot-air balloon ride and vineyard picnic. Again, the fact that Woody appears to so far accept Snez has a daughter he didn’t in fact father makes me think he’s not a total scumbag. It’s not a big ask at all in real life, but this is TV la la land.

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Lo and behold their tiny kiss goodbye on the lips is a MAJOR drama people as some twit called Jasmin, who has the social skills of a gnat and whom ran away from Woody on the beach when he dared to try to talk to her, throws a giant fireball into the mansion of mayhem by virtually running from room-to-room announcing that Woody has in fact PASHED A GIRL!

Poor Snez. Heather’s all dropped pie expression until Sam rescues her by giving them a moment alone so she can present him with their superhero poster. Sam lights up like Christmas tree and Jasmin again reports back to everyone in the house they “only” exchanged a peck on the cheek.

Osher glides into room all hair and funereal countenance. Two girls are going home! Someone called Nina, who’s never had an actual single or group date gets the first rose. Who the hell is she? Did the producers forget about her until now?

Unfortunately, silly and vacuous Jasmin gets the second rose as Heather thunders. Finally, as predicted, Woody sends Joni, aka “falsies” and Laura, aka Anal Glands, home. Amen.

And my biggest high for the night? Osher himself favouriting one of my tweets. Beat that! Stay tuned for more hijinks, heartbreak and heinous Emily bitching…

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Images via www.popsugar.com.au; www.bandt.com.au; thenewdaily.com.au; tenplay.com.au

August 6, 2015

Woody Gets Hard At Work In The Bachelor Season 3 Premiere

Ah, another season of The Bachelor Australia: isn’t it the best?! Is this how die-hard sport fans feel at the start of a new season?

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I frigging love this show. I can’t get enough of the blood sport that is watching 19 young women willingly cut themselves off from the outside world, then be shut away into a hellish, hormone-laden prison – sorry, a lush mansion – where their every move is caught on camera and they must compete for the affections of one man.

And the man in question? Sam Wood: a Bachelor-worthy himbo who’s displayed all the emotional intelligence of a pot plant thus far, and who has the requisite reality dating TV show’s muscle-bound torso and seemingly one-dimensional character.

However, never fear, ladies – this season three Bachelor does come armed with special gifts: no.1 he’s not a real estate agent and/or stripper aka last season’s most hated man in Australia Blake Garvey (phew) and he does in fact work with children (cue house of horrors inhabitants’ collective, in-sync ovulation); he has a lush head of hair styled in an appalling Ray Martin-esque hair helmet only rivalled by that of The Bachelor Australia host Osher Günsberg’s luxuriant locks; and can we all just take a minute to praise Network Ten here for giving us a bachelor named Sam Wood? What an awesome name for our bachie?! There are endless “wood” puns to be had with his name and so let’s call him “Woody” here, henceforth, for short.

dating, reality TV, The Bachelor Australia, Sam Wood

And for the record, I’ve got my money – for the win – on the first girl to croon to him: “Do I make you hard, Woody? Do I? ” Heaven.

If you were unfortunate enough to miss the scintillating, titillating and ground-breaking TV that was The Bachelor Australia episodes one and two last week, I’m going to recap some highlights for you here.

First up, the Bachelor’s shiny, new 19 girlfriends arrived in various states of undress, sorry cocktail dresses, at last Wednesday night’s premiere, oozing sex appeal, plastic fantastic, understandable nerves and some pure batshit-crazy behaviour and verbal diarrhoea gold previously unseen on national TV.

Cue many of them declaring Woody is the most fabulous walking hairpiece, sorry man, they’ve ever met approximately five seconds after meeting him, and excited squeals aplenty about his alleged tall, dark and handsome good looks and much estrogen-fuelled talk of early “connections”. Yawn. Deprive 19 attention-starved women of company with the opposite sex and you could probably present a monkey in a tuxedo and some of them would still declare he was a great catch.

Early frontrunners for Woody’s wood include the very gorgeous Snezana, who he seems enamoured with, but unfortunately may as well go home now because not only can Woody not pronounce her name, he is entirely aghast over the fact she is a mother and has dared to procreate outside of his harem; the very pretty and allegedly “career-driven” events manager Sarah who impressed our Bachelor with her ability to do the “downward dog” and “warrior one” basic yoga poses while dressed in a glorious tight, white evening frock; and the “hectically cool” hipster-dudess and possible Woody favourite Heather (pictured), who tries really hard to be nonchalant about the fact she’s joined the freak-fest that is The Bachelor, complete with constantly calling Woody “dude.”

dating, reality TV, The Bachelor Australia, Sam Wood

Conversely, ladies are on the outer edge, who are hopefully due to be sent packing in the limo anytime soon, include vet Laura, aka “Anal Glands,” who launches into the most heinous, unending, nervous monologue about the ghastly mess involved in expressing a dog’s anal glands three seconds after meeting poor, ol Woody; Jacinda, a funny and slightly unhinged lass who seems perpetually on the brink of emotional breakdown; and Sandra, who’s this season’s resident, full-blown passive-aggressive crazy, who – god help our national education system – allegedly also works as a primary school teacher. The vast and infinite horror!?

If my children were anywhere near this chick in real life, I’d seriously call the cops, because she is on a strange and tortured inner-trip, let me tell you! After picking a fight with poor, old confused Reshael, who somehow maintained dignity in the face of a Lord of the Flies-esque house brawl, Sandra then quickly makes enemies with every other contestant on the show by being her bizarre, outlandish, extroverted and deranged self. Has she spent too long with minors and forgotten how to act with maturity and self-respect? Well played, Network Ten producers, well played. Like last season’s resident crazy, Amber, Sandra is actually inevitably due to stick around until the bitter end just so she can cause a multitude of tears, tantrums and dramas in the mansion of misery.

Finally, after a lot of alcoholic beverages and extreme side-eye action, Sarah (pictured) gets an early red rose, Heather gets the early “wild card” white rose first, which gives her the “amazing power” (cue sarcasm font) to ask Woody out on a date, and the entire season three harem is herded for a rose ceremony. At this point, I started to like Woody a tad more after he sends an intense, plastic-fantastic Barbie lookalike called Zilda who “really, really wants kids” home, along with Jessica, whom I can’t recall doing anything of note. Of course, Anal Glands remains, so Woody is either into that shit, literally, or he’s blocked the horror of it all.

dating, reality TV, The Bachelor Australia, Sam Wood

Episode two then gets hurriedly underway when Sarah wins the “pleasure” of being Woody’s first one-on-one date, while the other contestants busily set about crafting voodoo dolls in her likeness while watching she and Sam sail away aboard a giant yacht. Sars has, guffaw, unfortunately chosen to wear the world’s tiniest belt, sorry skirt, on her date and so spends most of the date looking genuinely terrified, whether this is due to her deep-seated fear of boating, the wild seas, her straightened hair getting messy and/or her flashing her vagina on national TV, I can’t be sure.

Of course, Woody takes this opportunity to grunt a lot and speak in monosyllables, press his body close to hers, display a total lack of empathy and emotional intelligence by saying Sarah is “loving it” and impress upon his poor, frightened date his extreme love of boating, which probably means he owns a tinnie in real life.

Back to the mansion of misery, where the remaining contestants are then forced to compete for Woody’s attentions and endure some sort of movie-themed group date horror with Woman’s Day, whose editor looks like she wants to stab herself, with this season’s best pursed-lips cat’s bum expression thus far.

And things are now getting far from “hectically cool” for hipster-dudess and Bachelor frontrunner Heather, whose cute description on what it would be like to meet the love of her life in Ep1 is now coming back to haunt her big time as she seemingly finally realises she is trapped in the midst of a TV dating reality show where she has to endure watching hordes of other women making out with Woody. “The horror! The horror!” she seemed to be thinking, all ingénue wide eyes.

And Heather is far from alone on this naiveté: her main rival, the delectable and uppity Laurina-wannabe (see season 2) Emily Simms (pictured) was, quite rightly, a tad peeved at being asked to strip down to her undies, with half her tiny, toned arse hanging out on national TV, for a bizarre Ghost-themed, pottery-wheel nudity grab. And next up, Jacinda loses the plot, causing all cameras to collectively turn to point at her to document her meltdown, with her practically in the foetal position, crumbling under the pressure of being a pawn in the Playboy Mansion-esque showdown.

dating, reality TV, The Bachelor Australia, Sam Wood

I want to scream at these girls: “Wake up and smell the roses (which most of you won’t get), ladies! You’ve signed your lives away to a TV network for the country’s sick, voyeuristic pleasure! None of what you’re doing, or being asked to do, is in any way normal!?”

I mean, imagine in life you’re, say, lucky enough to meet one or two or even three soul mates, and then you have to fight for their love alongside a score of other women, all documented on camera?! Who the hell signs up for this thing? And who wouldn’t go a bit mental themselves under these brutal and mind-f***ing conditions, while locked away in a mansion of misery? I actually feel more than a little sympathy for these young twits for putting themselves in such an unwinnable situation. Are they all sadomasochists? It’s humiliation galore – and don’t we TV watchers love it!

Osher and Woody are all sombre hair helmets at the episode two rose ceremony where poor, hapless Reshael is sent home, along with a faceless, blonde girl whom no one can recall speaking called Krystal and a lumberjack named Tessa, who distinguished herself by, yawn, being too cool for school by changing from her cocktail frock into casual gear, all in a wild, desperate bid to get Woody’s attention. Apparently, she didn’t er, fire up Woody’s engine. And yet, Anal Glands and mad, bad teacher Sandra (pictured) still remain. Why are they both still here?! Is he too scared to talk to them again?

dating, reality TV, The Bachelor Australia, Sam Wood

So, dear readers, some lingering, unanswered questions going into The Bachelor Australia episode three this Wednesday night: do any of the women, in fact, still have real jobs? Why are they on the world’s worst dating experiment? Who are the blatant star f***ers chasing their 15 minutes of fame? And what is the “epic scandal” Network Ten is promoting the hell out of prior to this episode’s airing? Did someone forget to do their brazilian wax? Eat a sandwich? Not pack 20,000 bikinis?! Stay tuned for yet more humiliation galore…

Images via Ten Play, Daily Mail, News.com.au, The Age

August 5, 2015