Sex-expert

Confessions Of The Damned: Have You Dated A Gay Man?

It was an ex-boyfriend’s insatiable love of watching both Sex And The City DVDs and former Australian professional racing cyclist Cadel Evans in tiny, sweaty lycra shorts during the Tour de France for hours on end which first rang alarm bells in my head.

RELATED: Great Sexual Misadventures: Why Humour Equals Hot Sex

Was I, in fact, dating a gay man, or a bi-curious one at that? I’d dated stranger, I told myself, and endeavoured to have an open mind when it came to the very handsome and very fit, body-obsessed and bathroom-hogging, new boyfriend whom I’d been dating for a month or so several years back. Perhaps he was just very metrosexual? And gender roles were becoming increasingly blurred, these days, I consoled myself.

My gay friends, of course, happily claimed him as one of their own – was my gay-dar that far off? Meanwhile, best girlfriends I’d roped in to meet “new guy” were as equally flummoxed as me. We were having sex, and lots of it, so he couldn’t possibly be gay, right? Wrong. My gay posse ala Sex and the City (pictured) were all over it, even though I didn’t want to believe it at first.

sex tips, dating advice, gay sex

Ah the beauty of hindsight: sure, there were other tell-tale signs, such as his extreme love of fashion and beauty (a gay stereotype if there ever was one); but ultimately it was this ex-boyfriend’s shocking reveal at my home one day which convinced me he truly was batting for the other team. Imagine my dismay, when said man appeared on my doorstep, ready to collect me for another date (did I mention he also really loved shopping?) and quickly dropped his trousers, proudly presenting me with his new crack, back ‘n’ sack waxing treatment he’d just had done. The horror!

Now, I am fully aware it’s common practice for both straight and gay men to indulge in the full-wax thing these days, but in my experience at least, it’s not something a lot of Gen-X straight men are into – and that’s my generation, baby. A best friend, who wishes to remain anonymous, strongly disagrees with me on this point, but she recently moved from Sydney to Brisbane, and spent all her singleton time in the former city, so I say she’s at least wrong re: heteros’ pubic hair habits in the sunshine state, where I’m based.

And to this day, I still don’t know what impression I ever gave said ex that that was something I’d love. For the record, I like a manly man with furry bits! And my face must have given away my utter dismay, for he exclaimed: “Don’t you like my present?” Present?! All I could do was think at the time: “Oh honey, that’s not really for me.” And so we finally had the awkward chat about his obvious gayness, to which he reluctantly confessed, and we split amicably. And thankfully, just as I myself was about to swear off the opposite sex, I met my very manly and straight, future husband not long after that.

Have you ever dated a gay or a bi-curious man too, ladies? It’s an increasingly common social phenomenon according to Sydney sexologist, Dr Michelle Mars (pictured), who specialises in the sociology of sex gender and sexual well-being.

sex tips, dating advice, gay sex

“Why are we becoming more bisexual? Perhaps we are just owning it more, or perhaps we are having more opportunity to play with sex and identity,” Dr Mars says. “If I had a dollar for every time anyone said ‘I’m not out at work’ to me I would be rich.

“I 100 per cent guarantee you that you know people who are gay, kinky, queer… And that you don’t know it. People who like sex and have a lot of sex are more likely to experiment with bisexuality. Pan-sexual is a good, encompassing term. It’s about being kinky, gay, bi, queer… It generally means someone who is sexually adventurous and is willing to give new things a go.”

So, why do gay men sometimes have lots of straight sex, I asked the good doctor – why bother? “Gay men sometimes have sex with women; I have gay friends who were once married, I am saying gay deliberately here as they are as far from bisexual as you can get,” Dr Mars says. “One says of his marriage, ‘The sex was okay, but men get me up quicker’, while the other just likes having sex and if there happens to be a woman involved, that’s okay too.

“Sometimes gay men date women because they haven’t yet realised they are gay or because they are gay and they want to have a family, or because there is a level of internalised homophobia that makes it not okay for them to express their gayness or to claim a gay identity.

“And often gay men have sex with women because they are curious about what it’s about. They might want to try strap-on sex or something else the woman is good at that they haven’t tried before, or they might meet a couple and be attracted to the man and end up having sex with both of them.

“I like the Robbie Williams’ song Swings Both Ways, with the lyrics:
‘Everybody swings both ways…
And after I’ve done her
Well you can do me
Oh boy’.”

Would you use a threesome app

Dr Mars says recent research she did with Australia’s largest adult dating site, Adult Match Maker, which attracted more than 7600 Australian anonymous respondents, revealed that even people who aren’t interested in having sex with someone who is of a different gender to their normal partner would do it if their partner asked them to.

“As sexual identity categories soften and become more flexible, people are more likely to have a variety of different kinds of sex,” Dr Mars explains. “A gay man can have sex with a woman and still be gay. I can have sex with a gay man and it’s not heterosexual sex.

“Sex is a skill and it’s good to have sex with people who have excellent sexual prowess. After all, we learn the most about sex when we are having the best sex.”

What do you think? Have you ever dated a gay man?

Images via Huffington Post, Salon, Baller Alert

June 15, 2015

Should You Put Out For The Sake Of Your Marriage?

Ladies, it’s time to tackle the controversial topic of the “mercy fuck”. And by this I mean when you take pity on a lustful, randy partner and offer them sex, even if you don’t 100 per cent feel like it.

Just to be crystal clear, I am not talking about rape or unwanted sexual advances; I’m talking about consensual sex, where you may find yourself getting turned on unwittingly by the generous and loving act of pleasuring your amorous significant other.

RELATED: How To Have Better Orgasms This Summer

Now, some prominent Australian sex therapists, such as the always-controversial and alienating Bettina Arndt, have long preached the advantages of regular “servicing” of a man in a relationship. Indeed, last year she hit the headlines with what she claimed was the secret to a truly happy heterosexual marriage: “The truly lucky man is blessed with a sexually generous woman, one who believes in taking one for the team.”

Now that’s a very unfortunate choice of words if you ask me – she made the idea sound distinctly unpalatable and degrading. But does it have to be? Couldn’t “chore sex” turn into swinging-from-the-chandeliers hot sex?

And in a marriage, I think both women and men may find themselves not wanting sex for a variety of reasons – fatigue, stress, kids-sucking-the-life-out-of-you and more.

So, should you really put out for the health of your relationship, and/or for your own personal well-being too? The health benefits of sex are both well-documented and varied: good sex can boost your immune system and your libido – kinda like fine wine or chocolate, the more you have, the more you crave – and it even lowers your blood pressure and heart attack risk.

But is it too compromising to offer sex if you’re just not 100 per cent feeling it? SHESAID went in search of answers from the good doctor herself, leading Australian sexologist Dr Nikki Goldstein (pictured). Below, she shares her wisdom and insight on this tricky and divisive topic:

sex, mercy fuck, relationships

Should women be expected to put out for a mercy fuck?

I really think this is a case-by-case basis, but women need to start seeing this as something nice they are doing for their partner. Just like sometimes we want our partners to take the trash out, sometimes we might or should just have sex with our partners when we don’t 100 per cent feel like it.

Say, in the case of a tired, new mum, is a mercy shag an important way of reconnecting with your partner?

Sex can be a way to show your partner that you love them and reconnect. You might be tired if you have small kids, but men – especially Australian men – are taught to see the physical as a way of showing love. In a country that doesn’t encourage men to be open with their emotions, this is one way they show and can feel love. If you are exhausted, you might not want to go the full way, but some affectionate touching and kissing might be all that is needed.

And there are other things that a couple can do to increase intimacy and pleasure without intercourse – anything where skin-to-skin contact is involved. Even just being able to stimulate each other’s genitals or even an all-over massage with a sexy twist.

Can women (or men) get in the mood for sex during the actual act?

I do truly believe that even if you are not totally wanting sex, once you start to get into the act, your feelings might change and sexual desire might kick in. Start with some foreplay without the promise of intercourse and see how things progress. It might just be a night or touching and kissing or it might turn into a night of wild, crazy unexpected passion.

Is a mercy fuck an act of generosity and kindness in a marriage?

It’s important that your sexual relationship is not always a mercy fuck, but I do think from time-to-time it’s something you should do. Keep in mind however, that compromises are key. You might not feel like intercourse, but maybe there are others ways to be intimate and physical with your partner.

How important is sex in keeping the spark alive in a relationship?

Sex has so many benefits, both physically and mentally, and is important to connect a couple, but it’s important a couple thing outside the square when it comes to their sex life. It’s not always about penetration, but it’s the “sexy time” that’s important in a relationship: time for you and your partner to desire each other, make each other feel loved and wanted and pleasure each other.

What do you think? Is a mercy fuck ever OK?

Image via www.sodahead.com

October 22, 2014

Sex Advice for Better Sex Tonight!

Could your love life could use a little spicing up? We found these three bits of wisdom from sex therapist Laura Berman, PhD and director of the Berman Center in Chicago. Dr. Berman has shared her secrets for sizzling sex in her book The Passion Prescription. These sex tips should raise the temperature of your sex life!

Love your body
It’s hard to enjoy sex when you have negative feelings about your body. According to Dr. Berman, “Typically, when a woman looks at herself, her eyes go straight to her problem areas. She carries that feeling into the bedroom, and when her partner’s kissing her thighs, she’s busy thinking, ‘God, I’m so fat!’”

To counteract this poor self-image, the doctor’s sex advice suggests that you look at yourself naked in the mirror at least once a week, focusing on your favourite body parts. Touch those parts and say aloud what you like most about them. Cultivate a positive self-image and soon you’ll be eager to toss off your clothes and jump into bed!

Don’t be afraid to try something new and exciting
Being in a long relationship can be cozy and comfortable, but sometimes you can get into a rut and start feeling like the sex isn’t as hot as it used to be. Dr. Berman suggests reliving the wilder, early days of your love affair by trying something new and daring, like scuba diving or a helicopter ride, to get the blood and heart pumping. “Experiencing something new and exhilarating together helps replicate that feeling you had in the beginning of your relationship when you couldn’t get enough of each other.”

Speak up about what turns you on
According to Dr. Berman, “Men want to be your knight in shining armour when it comes to sex – they’re eager for you to tell them what feels good. The problem is, so many women are out of touch with their bodies they have no idea what to say.” Hopefully, you’ve gotten in touch with your own body by trying the self-image booster above and are ready to show your partner what you really like!

Dr. Berman suggests putting your hand on top of his and guiding him to the ways you want to be touched. Want oral sex or have a favourite sex toy? Speak up! “This is the only way he’s going to know what works for you.”

What’s your favourite piece of sex advice?

October 17, 2013